Well, let’s see. Today is Mardi Gras. Interestingly, it is celebrated in Dunwich but with a local twist. Because the Great Old Ones are devout Roman Catholics (go figure) they forego eating humans during the entirety of Lent so tonight they have a wild party where they make an enormous cauldron of jambalaya (5,000 gallons) and garnish it with any local elected officials they can find within the town limits. So, for that reason I’m currently hiding in an abandoned fallout shelter with the Elder Sign emblazoned on the bolted hatch. Above me I can hear the screams of the Dunwich Town Clerk, Treasurer and Tax Collector as they’re paraded down Bourbon Street on the way to dinner. Well, nobody likes them anyway. They voted to increase taxes and wouldn’t let us put up that Trump sign behind the Town Hall so boo hoo!
It’s kind of boring down here. All I have is an internet connection, a dart board and ten thousand sugar cubes. I’m trying to build a pyramid with them but it looks kind of crooked. It really adds to my respect for those Egyptians. First off, I now see why they didn’t use sugar as a building material. After all, the slaves building the pyramid might be tempted to lick one of the blocks surreptitiously. Multiply that by a billion licks and now you’re looking at real issues. I’m guessing type 2 diabetes would have been rampant, so there’s that. It really makes you think.
But now Donald Trump is starting his speech. He’s speaking to a joint session of Congress and the Democrats are all holding what look like ping pong paddles with catchy slogans like “Trump Sucks” and “Pelosi is Still Hot” emblazoned on them. After a particularly provocative anecdote about how ugly Chuck Schumer’s wife is up jumps Billy Dee Williams and threatens Trump with a golden handled cane.
Trump jumps down from the podium and joins Billy Dee in a spirited fencing match. I believe he borrowed an umbrella from Speaker Johnson. Luckily for everyone involved the Sergeant at Arms trips Billy Dee from behind and put him in a full nelson hold before giving him the bum’s rush. After taking a few bows, Trump returned to the lectern and continues his remarks on his photos from his trip to Las Vegas with Mitch McConnell. Riveting stuff.
Oh wait, I made all that stuff up in my head.
Actually, Trump’s address was quite effective. He gave a long list of the frivolous causes that DOGE discovered that have wasted literally billions of dollars of taxpayer money. One of the funniest revelations was of the age of some of the social security recipients. I guess the most egregious was a man who was reportedly 350 years old. Now this was just one case. There were also actual millions of social security beneficiaries that were over 120 years of age. Think of that.
He described the atrocities that illegal aliens have caused to our people; the murders and rapes and the fact that he has now closed off the border and is deporting illegals at a record pace. Trump reported that the military with the aid of the Pakistani government have recently apprehended the leader of the group responsible for the suicide bombing of American troops during the botched withdrawal from Afghanistan. And he reiterated how incompetently Biden managed that withdrawal.
He announced his intent to end the Ukrainian war and revealed that Zelensky has sent him a message saying he is now ready to get involved in peace talks and also wants to sign the rare earth metals contract.
Trump highlighted the steps he’s taking to lower energy costs. And he highlighted all of the failures of the Biden administration. It was a very long list.
All in all, it was an entertaining talk. The impression is of a President confident in his ability to make America great again. The Democrats on the other hand appeared to be a bunch of petulant children. Interesting.