While I sent out copies of my book to somewhat willing beta-readers I remembered I had some projects kicking around the house. When I mentioned this, Camera Girl informed me that I had failed as a maintenance manager. She handed me the contact information of the last plumber we had used (quite a while ago) and reminded me that we now had three plumbing issues that needed to be attended to. These problems had been haunting her sense of propriety for a good long while and now righteous anger had welled up and I was the malefactor who should have taken matters into my own hands long ago, “Call him today! It’ll take a week to get him here so get this done before we’re too busy in a couple of weeks.” I nodded my head in bitter remembrance. She was right. There was a water line on one of the toilet tanks that leaked when it was flushed. There was a shower drain on the first floor that had a plate that had no screw holding it down but was welded tight and she was afraid it was clogged based on some comments she had heard from the kids during the summer pool season when they used that shower after swimming. And finally, there was that sink basin that had a crack in the porcelain that leaked.
Each problem separately was minor and ignorable for at least the medium term. But taken together they spoke of dereliction of duty, mopery and dopery, flimflammery and bone-laziness. I was contrite. I mumbled my assent. And she left to go about her litany of errands. She had to buy crickets for the two preying mantises that she had captured this week. She wanted to save them from the approaching cold weather. And also, to see if they would produce egg sacs for next year. And she had various other duties; packages for the post office, books and movies to the library, a jigsaw puzzle for a friend of hers and some miscellaneous goods to buy at Wallymart. Each one of these multitasked errands added to the indictment of my malfeasance.
So, I sat down and tried to put down on paper the plumbing work I wanted done. After all you don’t call a tradesman and ask him to spend expensive time without trying to minimize the cost by defining the work. First off there was the leaking water line on the toilet. It was one of those somewhat flexible stainless lines. Where it met the valve near the floor it was rusted from the dripping water it created. But was it dripping from the toilet connection or the valve fitting. And I realized I had never even bothered to decide which problem it was. If it was leaking from downstream of the valve, maybe I could buy a new piece of flexible line and replace it beyond the shutoff valve.
So, I went upstairs and looked at the line. It was dry. So, I flushed the toilet and I saw drops of water flowing down from the toilet to the floor. Now I was interested. I kneeled down and twisted around and I could see a plastic fitting at the toilet tank. There was a threaded nut. So, I tried to hand tighten it. It gave a little so I tightened as hard as I could by hand. I dried off the line and flushed the toilet. No water. I flushed it again. No water. I flushed it a third time. No water. Hail the conquering hero!
I went down to the bottom floor and looked at the shower drain. Sure enough, the drain plate had no screw but was tight to the orifice. I stared at it for a few seconds and pulled on the plate as hard as I could and it popped off. There was some debris in it so I got my pliers and pulled out some hair and muck. Then I ran the shower full blast for ten minutes. No water backing up. Now I was a veritable demigod of home improvement.
I marched up to the cracked sink with an air of bored confidence and examined the piping connections. Sure enough, there was a plastic threaded coupling connecting it to the piping and almost nothing else in the way from removing it from the countertop. With a look of contempt, I walked over to the contact information with half a mind to call up this tradesman and inform him that his services would not be needed.
When Camera Girl returned, I straightened her out on the status of her honey-do list. “Items one and two solved! Item three has been surveyed, a path forward has been devised and the schedule is already in place. Now where’s my coffee?!!!
Nice job!
Thank you, thank you!