Today I watched that clip of teenage Swedish drama queen Greta Thunberg harnessing some kind of climate panic attack to call us out on the evil we’re doing to the planet. Now considering that she rode a jet to get to the UN climate conference it’s a little thick having to listen to her harangue us because we heat our houses and drive to work to be able to feed our children. But she is a sixteen-year-old girl and they tend to be pretty crazy at that age. Anyway, I’m watching the rant and it seems like I recognize her from somewhere. And then it hits me, Greta Thunberg is actually River Tam from Firefly! And now it all makes perfect sense. If you were a fan of the show you know that River was the victim of clandestine brain surgery by the Alliance, in the quest to turn her into a four foot eleven, eighty-seven-pound, mind reading, super soldier. Of course, she’s crazy. That kind of diabolical amygdala scraping will leave the victim incapable of distinguishing climate hoax form reality.
At this point all the craziness started making sense. In the Firefly universe Earth’s ecosystem collapsed. River has been recaptured by the Alliance and reprogrammed to parrot the climate change speeches her tormentors have fed her poor battered mind. The fiends! No matter, I could detect that even while she spoke a vein throbbing over her eye was actually spelling out a message in Morse code. It spelled out the message, “It’s not anthropogenic global warming, it’s really only solar output fluctuation.” She misspelled anthropogenic and she also added, “Jayne’s a girl’s name.” But that was just reflex. So brave, so brave.
So, there you have it. Her handlers (or parents if you don’t mind the charade) trot her out to enflame the demented climate mob. But how can she be rescued from this awful enslavement. Can Simon Tam call on the Resistance (not that Resistance) to smuggle him into the Alliance prison and once again break her out? Or can Mal, Zoe and Jayne use their skills as Space Pirates to swoop down and scoop her up in the cargo hold of Serenity?
But what then? How can the diabolical brainwashing be cured? She must be close to total insanity. I mean she believes the world will end in ten years. So sad, so sad.
But then a pop-up ad for hair restoration services opened up and I got distracted so I don’t have the answers I need to solve this conundrum. I’ll have to re-watch my blue ray copies of Firefly and Serenity to try to figure out the best path forward. I only pray we’re not too late to save her.
Of course, she was the most annoying character on the show and I agreed with Jayne that she should be handed back to the Alliance. Hmmm.
Anyway, that film clip was hands down the dopiest emotional display of unalloyed teenage stupidity to come down the pike since that imbecilic kid David Hogg road his bicycle to the Parkland shooting. She really deserves to be mocked for the ridiculous hyperbole she spouts. At the very least her parents should be brought up on child abuse charges for allowing her to be used as a trained seal by the climate scammers.
Finally, Whedon is a tool for killing off Wash. That was totally wrong.