Scene 1 – White House Residence / 1 a.m.
Biden – I really must be cracking up. What a horrible nightmare that was. And I’m not even in bed. C’mon Joe. Snap out of it. It must have been the Adderall wearing off. Get a grip. What’s that light I see glowing before my eyes?
Ghost of Biden Past – I am the Ghost of Biden Past.
Biden – Is that really a thing?
Ghost of Biden Past – No, I’m just the guy who got stuck with this gig. But work with me here. We’re trying to line this thing up with Dickens.
Biden – Sure, sure. Are you going to show me all the things in my past that I should feel gratitude about and help me to be a better man?
Ghost of Biden Past – No, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I’m here to remind you of all the horrible stuff you’ve done so that it’s crystal clear why the perpetual gruesome agony you are slated for will be completely justified.
Biden – Wow! No partial credit for that time I saved that amphibious lander when I shot down the Japanese Zero back in dubya, dubya two?
Ghost of Biden Past – Joe, you were born in 1942.
Biden – Oh, right. I must be thinking of my service in Viet Nam.
Ghost of Biden Past – No you dodged the draft for Viet Nam.
Biden – So you’re not gonna work with me here.
Ghost of Biden Past – Work with you? I’m rooting for you to get the perpetual wood chipper option. In fact, I’ve got fifty bucks on it in the office pool.
Biden – Surely all that good work I did while in the Senate must buy me some good will up there.
Ghost of Biden Past – Up there? Even Lucifer doesn’t want to work on your case. He was thinking of farming you out to the Great Old Ones. But Cthulhu said, nothing doing. So, we’re stuck with you.
Biden – Surely someone from my past will speak in my defense.
Ghost of Biden Past – Yes, there was one character witness who was able to remove a very small charge from your list of sins. We found Corn Pop and he said you never threatened him with a chain. Apparently, you just ran off and never came back to the lifeguard gig you had.
Biden – That’s a lie. He was a very bad dude and I stood up to him.
Ghost of Biden Past – Well, we checked out that story. Corn Pop back then was an asthmatic camp counselor at the local YMCA with coke bottle glasses and a limp. Now he’s a retired postal worker.
Biden – Yeah well, that’s not how I remember it. So, what’s next?
Ghost of Biden Past – We’re going to walk you through the highlights of your various activities. We’ve got Juanita Broaddrick and that summer with you “showering” with your underaged daughter. We’ll go through the work you did getting Hunter to where he is now. Then we’ll go over your work as the “Big Guy” and all of the stuff you did “for the country” while working for Obama. For fun we’ll go over the blooper reel with your hair plugs and aviator shades. It’ll be a busy time.
Biden – So this doesn’t look so good. Should I get a lawyer or a character witness? How about my old friend Barack. Everybody loves him.
Ghost of Biden Past – Yeahhhh, about that. Old Bathhouse Barry has his own ‘splainin’ to do. I don’t think that would be wise.
Biden – Alright let’s start the tour. Will there be lunch?
Ghost of Biden Past – Don’t worry there will be some roasted meat sooner than you think.
(Exit)
Great. You really need to write a book.
Ah, books are for thousands and millions. Blog posts are for tens and hundreds. Getting eyes on the website is devilishly difficult.