My recent thought experiment to determine whether the geometry of our universe is Euclidean or not has inspired me to get involved in the upcoming Trump Administration. Just as Trump has farmed out budget cutting to DOGE, I would like to volunteer (well not for free though) my services to perform research that is woefully needed by the United States government. I haven’t come up with a snappy acronym for my team but I’m working on it.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the projects I’d like to tackle for Uncle Sam.
- Global Warming – Now, this is a no-brainer. Up until now research on this subject has been performed by commies. And no matter what information they get they “analyze” it until they can work it into a hockey stick graph that warns that the end of the world is imminent. What is needed is an objective, scientific approach. And that’s me all over. I will analyze the hell out of that data and something tells me that my result will be a call for more fossil fuel and nuclear energy to stave off the next ice age which is already rearing its ugly head. Also, I’ll perform a mass and energy balance and a cost analysis around such technologies as wind generators and solar energy panels. Something tells me that the cost of each kilowatt hour taken over the usable life of the equipment and including the replacement cost of the equipment (not neglecting the cost of environmental remediation for mining and processing of heavy metals and other toxic materials) will be an order of magnitude higher than either fossil fuels or fission reactors. Is it too much to ask to have the “climate scientists” hauled into court for fraud?
- The Definition of a Woman – In a country where this
Is called a woman, things are not going to go well. What I propose to do is convene a panel of experts. I will use the most credentialed individuals available. I will include married men, wedding planners, hairdressers, script writers from the Hallmark Channel, employees at grocery and clothing stores and shoe salesmen. In addition, I’ll recruit a fair cross-section of guys found habitually at strip joints from across this great land. Between them all we will work long and hard to come up with a consensus definition and if necessary, a list of qualifying and disqualifying “conditions.” I’m sure the team will have a contentious and spirited discussion about everything from terminology to visual aids but we’ll make sure that the exhibit shown above or anything like it is never mistaken for a woman again.
- My team will devote a full year to trying to figure out exactly which mental conditions Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are suffering from. After making an exhaustive study we will try to translate their last four years of speeches into rational English sentences. Where no meaning can be found we will overlay those sections of the transcripts with pictures of kittens and puppy dogs.
So that will be a start. Eventually we’ll expand out and solve all the problems of the multiverse. But I will charge time and a half on weekends. After all I’m only human.