Well, I enjoyed yesterday’s outing so much I thought I’d have another go at solving the world’s problems on Uncle Sam’s dime. Here are some more projects to keep me off the streets and make the world a better place:
- Stamp Out the Metric System. – That’s right. I want to outlaw it and insist that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees and the boiling point is 212 degrees. And I’m talking Fahrenheit. I want halves, quarters, eighths, sixteenths and thirty seconds of an inch as the way we measure lumber. I want everyone to know that a pint’s a pound the world around. I want horsepower, tons of cooling, foot-pounds, cubic yards, pounds per square inch and inches of mercury everywhere you look. I want the speed of light to be 186,000 miles per second. I want pounds and ounces and BTU’s and I don’t want any kilometers or kilograms or ergs or any of that European or Canadian jazz, thank you very much! And I will back up my hatred with the force of Trumpian law. Anyone found using a metric tape measure, scale, thermometer, pedometer or any other metric device will be subject to public dunking followed by banishment to Bogeyland. And no one will be immune. If I find out that Elon Musk is using metric tools and hardware on his cars, they will be forced off the roads. And if his rockets are instrumented using metric units, the Air and Space forces will be authorized to shoot them out of the sky. This may sound harsh but order must be maintained. Some of you may claim that decimal units simplify and make calculations easier. I say, calculations are supposed to be difficult. So, suck it up!
- Defund PBS and NPR and Subject the Personnel to the Inquisition – My hatred for these institutions knows no bounds. Every time I heard some bow tie wearing doofus on NPR whispering softly about some pathetic cause he wanted me to espouse I had to change the channel. Now it’s time for payback. And closing down their operations and returning that money to the American people is a wonderful accomplishment. But shutting them down is not enough. I propose that a sort of Artificial Torquemada (AT) be programmed to subject these awful people to whatever punishments will make them suffer the most. First off, their diet will be Big Macs and fries, morning, noon and night. Secondly, a public address system will play a loop of Donald Trump’s greatest hits from his campaign rallies, played twenty-four hours of the day. Each inmate will be provided with a mockup of the Sunday New York Times newspaper featuring a facsimile of the Times crossword puzzle but unfortunately, none of the possible answers will fit the spaces. The gulag will have mandatory television viewing of reruns of Hee-Haw, The Dukes of Hazzard, Benny Hill, Home Improvement and Baywatch. The prison library will consist of the collected works of Mickey Spillane. And finally, every month there will be a special session where the inmates will be strapped into chairs and forced to watch a ten-hour compilation of the 2016 and 2024 election coverage including the rants and crying jags caused by the epic failures of the Clinton and Harris campaigns. None of the inmates will be available for parole until under surveillance of a lie detector they can state honestly that “The 2020 election was rigged against Donald Trump through voter fraud.”
Okay so that’s enough for now.