President Trump’s Gettysburg Address

We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to present an address by the president.

“Good evening my fellow Americans.  Sorry to wake you out of your reality tv stupor. But this will be short.  So put down your bong and try to follow along. I’m speaking to you tonight because I’m making a change in your lives very soon and I didn’t want to surprise anyone.  Starting next month I’m shutting down the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.  That’s radio, tv and internet.  The whole kit and kaboodle.  I had the whole news staff in here at lunch and broke the news to them.  They didn’t take it well.  I told them they could maybe get some intern spots on the staff at MSNBC.  Well anyway, it’s moving ahead.

You may be asking why I’m doing this.  Well, it’s like this. I have a grandchild now.  And after catching a few minutes of Sesame Street and a few of the other kid shows I was worried that my grandchild might turn into a loser.  I mean, it’s a bunch of old people hanging out in Greenwich Village with a bunch of puppets. How could that turn out well?  And the Nova guys are always harping about the global warming and animal rights.  Let’s face it.  It’s propaganda.  And that guy Ken Burns is so boring that even real baseball is less boring than his baseball.  I mean what’s the big deal about Gettysburg?  I’ve been there.  A real snooze-fest.  Not a single casino anywhere.

Now maybe you might be thinking that it’s hypocritical for someone involved with the Apprentice to render judgement on educational tv.  Maybe but think about it.  Only the brain-dead watch reality tv.  It’s already too late for them.  I’m just harvesting their welfare residual value.  But PBS targets children.  Only the suicidal sacrifice their own children.  I’m not that crazy.

So anyway, I’m pulling the whole thing off the air.  With any luck those PBS guys can get their own funding or possibly advertising revenue from the letters N and O and the numbers zero and zilch.  Anyway I’m sure Comcast can carry them.  They already funnel money to total losers like MSNBC.  One more free-loader couldn’t make that big a difference.

So the government is getting out of the tv business.  But this is just the beginning.  I’ll be following up with a review of our research funding and social agency support.  I’m guessing that climate science is gonna have to change its name to climate science fiction and get its funding from the Syfy Channel because the government gravy-train has just been derailed.

Alright, that’s all for now.  You can get back to watching porn and smoking pot.  Wow.”