Donald Trump (DT) – Hey Pence!
Mike Pence (MP) – Yes Mr. Trump.
DT – Hey, why don’t you call me Mr. President?
MP – Because you’re not president yet Mr. Trump.
DT – Well then, why is Schumer calling me president?
MP – He’s trying to tie your hands by blaming you for things that happen before you get into the White House.
DT – What a weasel! That’s it! I’ll make sure his Aunt get’s thrown out of that rent-controlled apartment in Trump Village. Fine. But remember in a couple of weeks you’re gonna have to call me Mr. President.
MP – Yes, Mr. Trump.
DT – Hey, anyway, the reason I called you is I need to start figuring out what this government business does.
MP – Well, it runs the country.
DT – No I don’t mean what it says it does. I mean what it actually does.
MP – I’m not sure I see the distinction.
DT – Sure you do. You are the governor of a state. You know where the bodies are buried. You know which are the sacred cows that don’t do anything but can’t be touched because they have juice.
MP – Oh, I think I see. You want to know where the fat is and why.
DT – Exactly. I want to know where the pork is and more importantly, who are the rabbis.
MP – The rabbis?
DT – Rabbis, godfathers, whatever you want to call them. The guys who know where the bodies are buried and who collect the fees.
MP – Yes, I see. Mr. Trump that is a very big job. You’ll need your cabinet working for months to just begin to understand where the waste and featherbedding is.
DT – That’s what you think. I’ve been talking with the Thiel guy. He may be a little light in the loafers but he’s plenty smart. He’s working on an algorithm to find this stuff. I’ll bet he gets it done in days or weeks.
MP – Mr. Trump, that sounds like science fiction. I hardly think you’ll be able to streamline the US Government in a few weeks. You’ve got to be realistic. If we can slow down the growth a little while we’re in office it will be a great achievement.
DT – Now that’s exactly what’s wrong with this country. You want to drain the swamp with an eyedropper. I want to use an atom bomb. Look, Mike we only have about a hundred days to build up some momentum. After that we’re dead meat. So, look alive. You know the saying, “Lead, follow or get out of the way.” Well, I’m leading so that just leaves you two options, and there’s no way to get out of my way so hurry up and follow. And bring along a crow bar ‘cause we’ve got a lotta demo to do.
MP – Okay Mr. Trump I’ll do my best.
DT – Look, Mike. You’ve gotta start thinking on your feet. I’m gonna hand this show over to someone in four years. If you wanna be that guy you better wake up.
MP – Well when you put it that way, lead on. I think there are a couple of agencies that haven’t produced anything but pensions in the thirty years I’ve been around and I can tell you who to start firing right now.
DT – That’s better. I knew there was a reason I didn’t go with Christie. Besides his taste in suits.