Normally when I take metaphorical pen to paper I like to keep a slightly easy-going and breezy attitude. Often, I use this attitude to allow me to riff on the latest outrages of the Left in one of my high-larious Trump vs XYZ parodies. But today good humor has completely deserted me. I am so thoroughly fed up with Mueller and Manaforte and Cohen and all of the other sleazy disgusting losers that I just want President Trump to lash out and pack them all up for Guantanamo Bay. Seriously, is there no one who will rid me of these people? Listening to the laundry list of offenses petty and felonious makes me want to trade in my human card for something better, like a subscription to the buzzard road kill of the month club.
Now, I understand that this is Mueller’s intention. He wants to inflict the maximum damage to the Republican reputation and morale before the election. And the smartest course is just let anything short of an indictment roll off of us like water off a duck’s back. But what I really want is President Trump to fire Mueller and assign the job to someone who has the full dossier on what the Swamp was doing back in 2016. I want a grand jury to indict Comey, Strzok, Page, Mueller and all the other rats for their part in this con job. To be totally honest I’d prefer to see them tried for treason. And I’d prefer they start the Grand Jury tomorrow.
Honestly, there are two months and more before the mid-terms and I’d rather go skinny-dipping in molten lead than listen to more of this for that length of time. There’s just no reason why we have to be subjected to any more of this. Just fire the low-life skunk and be done with it. Nothing would delight me more than to hear the Dems and the Fake News Media screeching like a chorus of scorched cats.
So here is my official request to you, President Trump. Speaking to you in my capacity as the world’s greatest living expert on everything. Fire them all. Fire Mueller and his pack of legal jackals. Fire everyone at the FBI, CIA and the Justice Department who isn’t demonstrably helping your administration. Fire every single political appointment by Obama and most of W’s. Fire the whole damn State Department and replace them with military personnel. Rehire all the military officers that were fired by Obama for not thinking soldiers should walk around in dresses and high heels. Fire anyone who has the word diversity or affirmative in his job description. Fire the whole damn Education Department and anyone in the NOAA who mentions the words climate and change in that order. And while you’re at it move the damn UN to Detroit. Detroit could use the business and the General Assembly needs to see what their policies look like up close and personal.
Mr. President, consider that this comes from the heart. I’m one of your biggest fans and usually keep quiet on how you take care of business. But I implore you, clean house. I think you’ll gain votes from this and the economy will kick up to 6% growth just from relief. Sermon over.