Words utterly fail me. I understand that about $100 million was spent on this movie. That seems inconceivable. I also read that it actually made a small profit. That also seems impossible. And finally, that I didn’t stop watching this “film” at any one of a hundred places in the 105 minutes of running time is a source of great personal shame for me.
Who thought this thing up? Who green-lit the project? Who are these nincompoops?
The premise is that when Abraham Lincoln was a boy his father angered a bounty hunter who went after runaway slaves. And since the bounty hunter was a vampire, he killed Abraham’s mother. He vows revenge and when he grows up, he meets up with a vampire hunter and trains to become one. It turns out that the hunter is also a vampire himself but you can’t have everything.
So armed with his silver-dipped ax, Old Abe rail-splits his way through the vampire kingdom and we discover that the South is not only filled with slavers, it’s chock full of vampires too. You know I always suspected that. Eventually Honest Abe puts away the ax and picks up the law books and becomes a politician and the rest is history. That is until the vampires invade his White House and kill his young son. And then they use undead troops to try to win the war for the South by overwhelming the Union Army at Gettysburg. So Abe decides to seize all the silver tea sets in Washington DC to provide vampire killing weaponry for the troops. There’s an overly long fight on a train headed over a bridge that is on fire supposedly bringing weapons to Gettysburg. It turns out to be a meaningless plot twist but it goes on forever.
But with silver clad bayonets, bullets and cannonballs the tide is turned just in time for Lincoln to read his Gettysburg Address. Mary Todd Lincoln gets to shoot the girl vampire that killed her son. She shoots a toy sword with a silver chain out of a rifle and the chain embeds itself into the vampire’s head. And this symbolizes something or other.
And that’s more or less it. Amazingly, this is even stupider than it sounds.
I don’t suppose most people would watch a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter but just in case some innocent, trusting individual might stumble onto this turkey I felt compelled to put out this warning. If you watch this movie, you will lose brain cells. I myself lost at least three IQ points.
So to sum up, movies of the stupid, for the stupid and by the stupid have not perished from the Earth.