Words utterly fail me. I understand that about $100 million was spent on this movie. That seems inconceivable. I also read that it actually made a small profit. That also seems impossible. And finally, that I didn’t stop watching this “film” at any one of a hundred places in the 105 minutes of running time is a source of great personal shame for me.
Who thought this thing up? Who green-lit the project? Who are these nincompoops?
The premise is that when Abraham Lincoln was a boy his father angered a bounty hunter who went after runaway slaves. And since the bounty hunter was a vampire, he killed Abraham’s mother. He vows revenge and when he grows up, he meets up with a vampire hunter and trains to become one. It turns out that the hunter is also a vampire himself but you can’t have everything.
So armed with his silver-dipped ax, Old Abe rail-splits his way through the vampire kingdom and we discover that the South is not only filled with slavers, it’s chock full of vampires too. You know I always suspected that. Eventually Honest Abe puts away the ax and picks up the law books and becomes a politician and the rest is history. That is until the vampires invade his White House and kill his young son. And then they use undead troops to try to win the war for the South by overwhelming the Union Army at Gettysburg. So Abe decides to seize all the silver tea sets in Washington DC to provide vampire killing weaponry for the troops. There’s an overly long fight on a train headed over a bridge that is on fire supposedly bringing weapons to Gettysburg. It turns out to be a meaningless plot twist but it goes on forever.
But with silver clad bayonets, bullets and cannonballs the tide is turned just in time for Lincoln to read his Gettysburg Address. Mary Todd Lincoln gets to shoot the girl vampire that killed her son. She shoots a toy sword with a silver chain out of a rifle and the chain embeds itself into the vampire’s head. And this symbolizes something or other.
And that’s more or less it. Amazingly, this is even stupider than it sounds.
I don’t suppose most people would watch a movie called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter but just in case some innocent, trusting individual might stumble onto this turkey I felt compelled to put out this warning. If you watch this movie, you will lose brain cells. I myself lost at least three IQ points.
So to sum up, movies of the stupid, for the stupid and by the stupid have not perished from the Earth.
Dude. You watched it.
I saw that title and said “Nah, bro.”
As for the 100 million budget – take that with a grain of salt.
Mafia Dons look at Hollywood accountants with awe and take notes.
They aspire to be that corrupt some day.
That point about accounting is a valid thought. They are experienced crooks. But not so much entertainers anymore.
Like “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, it’s so bad it’s worth watching once. “EEGAH!” Was pretty bad, too, but at least it was cheap to make.
If you really want to watch something that will cause you to desire to soak your eyeballs in bleach and remove your brain for a complete reset, watch “Pink Flamingos”. If you do, I accept no responsibility for damages to your soul.
Many years ago I was warned about Pink Flamingos and having a weak stomach I’ve maintained a policy to stay far away.
Thanks for the warning. Your review is all I needed to just stay home.
If I’ve saved even one man from wasting 105 minutes of his life on this turkey then my time was well spent writing the warning. What’s next Paul Revere in the next Marvel Cinematic Universe movie as “Copper Man?”
It would be Silver Man but the Silver Surfer has that covered.
No, “Silver Smith, the Surfer’s Meltdown”.
The people have spoken. Paul Revere’s metal shall be silver. I’ve always wondered if Bob Hope was related to Paul Revere. There seems to be a close resemblance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH12l5NdJlY
Science fiction? On what level is this science fiction? Gives the genre a bad name. On several levels, it’s a horror movie
well, let’s say fantasy. I did say Science Fiction – Fantasy as a broad category. Maybe bad dream would be more accurate than fantasy.