A Biden Carol (Part 1)

Scene 1 – The Oval Office

GLAAD – Have I the honor of addressing Mr. Biden or Mr. Epstein?

Biden – Mr. Epstein has been dead these seven years.  In fact, he hanged himself in prison exactly seven years ago this very night.

GLAAD – That’s not how I heard it happened.  Anyway, I’m sure his generosity is well represented by his surviving partner.

Biden – What do you want; you dog faced pony soldiers?!

GLAAD – At this festive time of the year it is more than usually desirable that we make some slight provision for the drag queens and other weirdos that have fallen on hard times.  Thousands are in need of necessities like eye-liner and mascara.  Hundreds of thousands are in want of holiday cheer like amyl nitrate and ketamine.

Biden – Are there no libraries, are there no grammar schools?

GLAAD – Plenty of libraries and schools, but those gigs have become difficult to book because of Moms for Liberty.

Biden – Look I haven’t got time to waste on you losers.  Romney, you cretin!  Get out of your hole Mitt and throw these losers out.  I have business to attend to and if I see these deadbeats in here again, I’ll know that I no longer need your services and you’ll be shipped back to Utah.  Now I’m headed home so don’t close up until you’ve foreclosed on the homes of all the widows on that list, I gave you.

Mitt Romney – Yes, Mr. Biden.  Come this way gentlemen.  Mr. Biden is very busy.

(Exit)

Scene 2 – White House Residence

Biden – All right, have you loaded up my Beta Max with all those vintage 1980s porn classics?  Dr. Jill is out of town this week and I want to do some research.

Secret Service Agent – Yes, Mr. President.  Your whole disgusting list for the weekend has been filled and we’ve cordoned off your residence to prevent “problems.”

Biden – Good, all of you can get lost.  I’ll use my life alert if I need you.  Now scram.

(Exit)

Biden – Now that’s more like it!  Let me get a big bowl of ice cream and let the party begin!

Suddenly a fissure opens up in the floor and flames shoot up and a bloody mess slowly stumbles into the room.  He’s festooned with what looks like smoking coils of some kind of hose.  He is shrieking and moaning pathetically and approaches Biden.

Biden – Holy smoke, who the hell are you?

Jeffrey Epstein – Ask me who I was.

Biden – Okay, okay, you awful mess.  Who were you.

Jeffrey Epstein – In life I was your partner, Jeffrey Epstein.

Biden – Epsy, what the hell happened to you?

Jeffrey Epstein – Two guesses.

Biden – Why are you wrapped up in that burning hose?

Jeffrey Epstein – Those are my prolapsed intestines.  They’re filled with boiling oil.  When it starts to cool, they drain it off and refill it again.

Biden – Wow!  That’s not good.

Jeffrey Epstein – Yeah, but wait’ll you hear what they have cooked up for you.

Biden – Me?  But I haven’t done anything.  I’m the President of the United States.  I help people all day long.  I’m not going there!

Jeffrey Epstein – Yeah, yeah, Joey.  It’s me you’re talking to.  They know about everything down there.  The showers with your daughter, the trips to the island.  Don’t kid yourself.  You’re gonna get the deluxe treatment.

Biden – But Epsy, don’t you have any good news?  Are you here to tell me about a way out?  You know like the three ghosts?

Jeffrey Epstein – The only ghost here is the ghost of a chance that you ain’t got.  The boss sent me to rub it in a little.  And I came because I will miss the hot sulfuric acid shower hour.  You’ve gotta take what you can get.

Biden – But what will I do?

Jeffrey Epstein – My advice is to try to make whatever amends you can and lighten the sentence however you can.  Confession would help quite a bit.

Biden – Confess?  But there’s an election coming up.

Jeffrey Epstein – Oh forget it.  Just do what you’re doing.  At least it’ll take some of the heat off of me.  Goodbye Joey you dope.  See you in the showers.

Exit into the flaming crevasse followed by the fissure closing up.