Scene 1 – White House Residence / 3 a.m.
Biden – What a horrible dream. All those filthy murderous bums kicking me and spitting on me and other things. And after all I’ve done for them. Making it easy for them to get fentanyl. They should be thanking me! Well, this is the last ghost. This should be easy. I’ll just tell him I’ve seen the light and I’ll get another chance. I’ll use the old shmooze.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Hello Joe.
Biden – Why aren’t you dressed up as Death? Where’s your hooded cloak?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We’ve moved ahead with the times. The “Yet to Come” function is now handled by a clinical team. If you’ll step this way, we’ll begin your appointment with a scan. Lay down on the table and we’ll crank up the power.
Biden – Will it hurt?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well let’s say you’ll notice a tingling.
Biden – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tingling?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well, maybe a strong tingling. But it’s done.
Biden – What did you find out?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We were able to see your future. You serve out a second term and after your death you are buried in a grand mausoleum close to the Jefferson Memorial.
Biden – Hey that sounds pretty good.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – But two years later all of the green energy infrastructure begins to fail and millions of people freeze to death during an extremely cold winter. A million-man march descends on Washington and tears your monument down and drags your body down to the Capitol and uses it like a pinata until there isn’t much left.
Biden – Well, that’s not so good. Are you sure about that?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Yeah, the video was very clear. Would you like to review it?
Biden – No. I’ll take your word. Look, this sounds really bad. Maybe I can mend my ways. Can’t I try to fix things?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Normally we’d try to come up with a remediation plan. And help you to stick by it. But we did a search for your soul. And it’s the darnedest thing, but it’s not there. Over the course of decades, it’s completely evaporated. So really there’s no point.
Biden – But how can I have no soul? I’m human. I’m alive. I must have a soul.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – As best we can figure, you’re working strictly by reflexes. It’s pretty remarkable. For instance, your ability to make up lies is unprecedented for someone who’s not even really there anymore. But in terms of redemption, without a soul the concept has no meaning.
Biden – But what’s going to happen to me after death.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – There have been cases like this in the past. After your body dies, your soul will recondense and quickly end up in its appropriate home.
Biden – Do you know where that will be?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – You’re kidding right?
Biden – Well, you never know. Accidents happen right?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – I’d pack for warm weather if I were you. Bye Joe.
Exit
VERY warm weather. Unless you believe in Dante’s Ninth Circle, then I would pack the fur-lined jockstrap.
I think the personal hell I’d set up for Biden would be similar to the one Sisyphus endured. But instead of perpetually rolling a giant boulder up a steep hill, I’d have him climbing a steep and infinitely long airliner staircase forever. And along the way, all the people he harmed would be there tripping him up and pushing him down the stairs.
I think you’re being awfully generous allowing the green infrastructure another 6 years before it collapses.
My generosity is second only to my modesty in being a fault. But maybe it’ll take some finite time for the wind turbines and the solar panels to completely give out. I’m reminded of the opening scene in Idiocracy where the crumbling wind turbine collapses and sparks an avalanche of garbage in an endless landfill.