He’s gone. The dream is over. Spartacus is now hanging from a cross along the Appian Way waiting for Varinia and Batiatus to show him baby Spartacus Junior as they head off to freedom while he dies horribly and painfully. Okay, it’s not exactly like that but I do enjoy making fun of Booker.
We still have Bernie and Creepy Uncle Joe and Fauxcahantas but it’s just not the same. Booker was the whole package. He was sexually ambivalent, unauthentically black, delusional about what America wanted, he had bug eyes and a funny voice. He had so much to give.
We’ll muddle through without him. We’ll remember all the great moments during the debates when he told us all about slavery reparations and green new deals and billions and trillions and maybe someday quadrillions of dollars that the government would shower on people who didn’t want to work. We’ll go on, but we’ll never be that young again.
But I’m really still in denial. I keep thinking maybe he’ll come back as a running mate or maybe he could become an announcer for the WWE or maybe he could replace Jussie Smollett on Empire. But no it will not be. He’s gone. I’ve reached the final stage, acceptance.
Okay, I’m good. Now let me listen to how Iran is self-destructing after President Trump delivered a haymaker to their regime’s credibility.
I better hurry this series along because the candidates are dropping like flies. In addition to such household names as Seth Moulton, Eric Swalwell, John Hickenlooper, Jay Inslee and Mike Gravel this week we lost the vivacious and vacuous Kirsten Gillibrand. I was hoping to feature the current holder of the Hillary Clinton Memorial Senate Seat from New York but alas it was not meant to be. Ah, well.
So, let’s not waste our chance to review the work of Newark’s own Spartacus. There’s no kind way to say this, he’s a doofus. Now mind you, he’s a graduate of Stanford, a Rhodes Scholar, with a law degree from Yale. So apparently, he’s a genius. But listen to him speak. He’s a certified doofus. It’s remarkable, when forced to speak ex tempore, without his teleprompter, he stutters and spits out fragments of thoughts and phrases. He was the mayor of Newark and claimed that he lowered the unemployment rate by two percent but a left leaning publication said it was actually 0.7%. When he left the job for greener pastures, the atrocious high school dropout rate and city murder rate in Newark were both still sky high. He’s the junior Senator from New Jersey and chances are he can keep that job in perpetuity with their voting record. But honestly, he’s a pretty dim bulb. But I want Cory to go as far in the contest as comically possibly.
Now, to be sure, I have a better chance of being the Democrat nominee in 2020 than Spartacus does. There is no way the DNC would allow Cory to be offered up as a burnt offering to President Trump at a debate. There wouldn’t be anything left. My guess is after a round of questions or possibly two rounds, Cory’s eyes would be bulging out and he’d bolt for the exit. As entertaining as that would be, I’m still holding out for Creepy Uncle Joe to get the nomination. So, I’m of the opinion that Cory will drop out of the race, put on his khiton, strap on his sword and battle the Roman legions a Metapontum like the true vegan, straight male, Thracian gladiator that he is. But he should last at least into round three of the Democrat debates so we have that to look forward to. Is Tony Curtis still alive? Maybe he can endorse him in a commercial that ends with his wonderful lisping tagline, “I love you Spartacus.”