Tag: Humor

Maddow:  Good evening everyone and welcome to the first presidential debate.  I’m Rachel Maddow and tonight we’re here at Smith College to hear Senator Sanders and Mr Trump debate each other and answer the questions the whole country is asking.  The agreed to rules are simple.  Each candidate has 2 minutes to answer the question.  His opponent has 2 minutes to respond.  The moderator may ask a follow-on question.  If either candidate overruns his time or attempts to speak out of turn his chair will be energized with a moderate electric shock.  And here are our candidates.  Gentlemen, welcome.

Sanders:  Rachel it’s good to be here among the good and thoughtful women of Smith College.  I only hope that someday soon I’ll be able to liberate Smith from the cruel injustice of tuition and open the doors to everyone no matter how poor or stupid.

Trump:  Hello Rachel.  Still no make-up, I see.  Tell those cheapskates at MSNBC to break down and spring for a make-up girl for God’s sake.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, I’m a lesbian and do not submit to the stereotypical ideas of female grooming.

Trump:  Yeah, well even Rosie o’Donnell wore some make-up.  I’m not saying it helped much but at least she tried.

Maddow:  Let’s move on.  First question is for Senator Sanders.  Senator, if you are elected president what will be your first priority?

Sanders:  Rachel, that’s a good question.  My first priority upon entering the White House will be to restore good relations with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has indicated that if I am elected he will be encouraged to accept all the food and ICBM shipments we can send in exchange for 11 percent fewer condemnations of America in the DPRK’s news stories.  I forsee the day when America and the DPRK will have reversed places with respect to caloric intake and nuclear megatonnage.  Only then will we be able walk down that long road of accepting the guilt for having been happy and prosperous for so long.  Once we’ve experienced starvation on a national level and had a couple of cities obliterated by thermonuclear attack, then we’ll finally know how evil we’ve been and … OWWWW!!

Maddow:  I’m sorry Senator but you’ve exceeded your time.

Sanders:  Holy crap Rachel, that smarts!

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, your answer or rebuttal.

Trump:  Are you kidding me?  What kind of freak show is this.  I mean, come on!  Look, the only reason me and the Nutty Professor over there are the candidates is because the Dems and Repubs were so completely brain-dead that they thought they could run Bush and Clinton again.  So it doesn’t take a lot of smarts to know that I’m not the most qualified man for this job.  I just happened to be willing to tell them that the Emperor had no clothes.  But come on!  This guy’s a raving lunatic.  I’d as soon give Hannibal Lector a straight razor and ask him to give me a shave, as to let this guy control the nuclear stockpile.  Look, for the good of the country, just load him up with some thorazine and cart him off to Bellevue.  After this performance the only one nuts enough to vote for him will be the Occupy Mom’s Basement crowd.  So shut off his mike and let’s call it a night.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump you exceeded your time but you didn’t experience any electric shock?

Trump:  Of course not.  I’m not stupid.  I just put on a wet suit under my Trump Collection suit.  Many people think it’s Armani but it’s even better.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, if you leave now it will be viewed as a victory for Senator Sanders.

Trump:  Rachel I knew you were odd but I didn’t think you were delusional.  Look, if I don’t leave now people will think I’m as nuts as him.  Anyway, do yourself a favor, don’t get in the elevator alone with that guy.  He’s gonna go postal eventually,  Don’t let it be with you.

Sanders:  Hey I resent these remarks!

Trump:  Shut up Bozo.  You’ve had your say.  Now go quietly with the orderlies and they won’t have to use the straitjacket.

Maddow:  Good night from MSNBC.

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Is this thing on?  Can you hear me?  Yeah?  Good.

I’d just like to start by saying thanks to Judge Roberts.  I heard what a lousy job you did on that Obamacare case so I wasn’t expecting much from you today.  I figured you’d probably forget to bring your glasses or something.  You know, typical low-energy behavior.  But you were okay.  So for now you’re not fired or anything.  Now go sit down and try not to fall asleep or anything.

I guess it’s traditional to talk about all the good things I’m gonna do once I move into the White House.  But I’m not gonna do that.  I just spent the last year and a half telling you what I’m gonna do.  If you didn’t hear me then you’re not gonna now.

What I am gonna do is tell all the losers who doubted me exactly what I think about them.

I’ll start with Hillary.  First of all I just want to tell you that the only woman more fat and disgusting than you is Rosie O’Donnell.  And I don’t have anything good to say about Bill or Chelsea either.  The whole bunch of you are disgusting losers.  And beating you in the election was great and truly fun.  Now go back to your small sad smelly house and drop dead the two of you.

Okay, now for the republicans.  You’re all a bunch of losers and I can’t believe you thought you could beat me.  Low Energy Jeb, Pathological Ben, Little Marco, Scary Carly, Crazy Kasich and the rest of you other losers.  I knew the American people would identify with the Trump brand.  It is the best brand.  All of you go back to whatever sad meaningless things you were doing before.

And as for you Lyin’ Ted, just be glad I let you be VP.  Your job is to translate all this Constitution stuff and that conservative talk into something that fits on a Power Point slide deck.  I don’t have a lot of time for theory.  Just give me about twenty bullet points and line up those cheap suits over at the Senate to take their marching orders.  And tell McConnell and Ryan that I’ll kick their asses if they don’t get this all done in January.  I’ve got a trip to Cancun planned for Valentine’s Day with Mrs. Trump and I don’t want to be distracted.  I don’t expect you to understand this but with a woman as hot as Melania you’ve got to be on your game on V-Day.

Now I have a message for all you government workers.  You’re fired!  That’s right.  Everyone who works for the federal government, except for the soldiers, is officially fired.  Anyone who wants to continue on as a temporary worker can stay for half pay.  And that’s step one.  Then I’m doing a top down and bottom up review and if someone can’t convince me that what you do is vital you better get your resume tuned up.

And for Megyn Kelly and the rest of the creeps in the Media and especially you morons at NBC you better wake up and pull your heads out of your asses.  Because with all the ass-kicking I’m gonna be giving you from now on you’d end up with more brain damage.

And all you lazy bastards living on the dole, start looking for work.  I’m cutting the cord for all of you.  Lucky for you there’ll be plenty of work once I raise the tariff on chinese crap to 300%.

Well that’s all.  Now get off the lawn.  I’m late for a meeting with Fox.  I have a new Reality show called White House Shenanigans.  It’s a thirty minute format that just drips with class.  No total nudity, just boobs.  It’s gonna be huge.

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