Tag: Humor

Trump vs the Undead

photog Current Events, Humor, Science Fiction / Fantasy, Trump , , , , , , ,

Donald Trump (DT)  Hey Bannon!  Where’s my Deadpool suit? I left it on this chair five minutes ago and now it’s gone.  We’ve got a thief around here.  Call Christie.  He used to be a cop or a judge or something.

Campaign Chief Executive Stephen Bannon (SB)  No Mr. Trump.  It wasn’t stolen.  I had it put in the closet.

(DT)  You stole my costume?  Whose side are you on?  Even Rosie O’Donnell never stole my stuff.  And she’s the worst person in the world you know.

(SB)  Governor Christie called me about your George Washington Bridge plan.  I told the Secret Service and they stopped all the arrangements you were making.  Mr. Trump you realize how dangerous and irresponsible your plan is don’t you?

(DT)  Relax.  It was gonna be done with CGI.  You know. Green screen (or blue screen or sun screen or something).  Come on Bannon we’re behind in this race.  We’ve gotta shake things up.  Start thinking outside the box.  That’s why I hired you.

(SB)  Well CGI is okay but I think we need to do something a little less uhhh … symbolic and a little more focused.

(DT)  Well then, you come up with something and hurry up.  I hate to be behind that old bag of bones.

(SB)  Bag of bones?  Hmmm.  I think I’ve got an interesting idea. All of Hillary’s recent health problems, the coughing, the spastic tics, the cackle, the slips and falls, could be explained if we found out that she had died years ago during that surgery for her broken elbow back in 2009.

(DT)  But if she died what is she doing walking around?

(SB)  Exactly.  The walking dead.  We’ll locate a doctor who can explain how the Hillary beast could have been re-animated using either black magic or some kind of zombie elixir. Then we’ll get some legal scholars to show that once she died and was revived her age reset to newborn and therefore she’s too young to fulfill the minimum age limit for president.

(DT)  And they say I’m crazy.  Do you seriously believe anyone is gonna buy the idea that Hillary is seven years old.  I mean, come on!  Look at her.  She’s a gargoyle.

(SB)  All right.  If you don’t like zombie how about vampire?  She always seems to be covered with make-up.  That could be to protect her skin from bursting into flames in the sunlight.  It would explain why she couldn’t stay out at the World Trade Center.  And it would account for her new vehicle.  Obviously she’s keeping a coffin full of the dirt of her homeland in the car to revive her after the weakening effects of the sun.  That explains why an hour later she was revived.  How’s that for thinking outside the “box?”

(DT)  Actually, I could believe that one.  But are you sure that will help me?  I hear kids actually empathize with vampires in stories nowadays.

(SB)  Actually more of them sympathize with werewolves than with vampires.  It would be Team Donald versus Team Hillary and we’d mop the floor with them.  We could establish that you were bitten by a werewolf while helping out down in Louisiana and now you sprout thick hair during the full moon and devour illegal aliens you run across.

(DT)  Sprout thick hair?  Hmm.  Maybe this werewolf thing isn’t as bad as it sounds.  Seems like there could be some advantages.  Could I tape some of my campaign commercials during my good hair, I mean werewolf phase?

(SB)  Well Mr. Trump I’m no expert on lycanthropy but once you transform I believe the only thing you’ll be able to do is rip people to shreds.

(DT)  Interesting.  Bannon I have a side job for you to take care of.  I want you to set up a media event.  Hire Rosie O’Donnell to debate me on air during the full, I mean next week.  Offer whatever she wants, but don’t pay upfront.  And take out the usual double indemnity policy on her.  I just have this feeling.

(SB)  Mr. Trump, come on, you’re not a werewolf.

(DT)  Bannon, while I was down in Louisiana we had a little incident with something they call a Loup Garou.  Know what that is?

(SB) Yes.

(DT)  Good.  Go call Rosie.

(SB)  Okay Mr. Trump.  I’m assuming we won’t actually broadcast this meeting.  That might negatively impact the campaign.

(DT)  Definitely not.  Just keep a copy of the video for my private use.  Oh and be sure to leave some floss and a toothbrush at the studio.  She looks like she could be kinda tough.

(SB)  Certainly Mr. Trump.  All will be arranged as you want.

(DT)  See now I know I was right hiring you.  You’re a very reasonable man.

Trump vs October

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Scene:  Trump home,  90th floor of New Trump Tower

Donald Trump (DT): Melania, Where’s my Halloween costume?

Melania Trump (MT): I don’t know schmoopy, what does it look like?

DT: It’s a Dead Pool costume, schmoopy.

MT: I do not know the Ned Poole.

DT: Not Ned Poole, Dead Pool. He’s a super hero who kills bad guys and makes fun of them at the same time. He’s a lot like me only poorer and he kills bad guys. Also he’s very popular. If I dress up like him I’m sure to get the youth vote.

MT: Okay, what does it look like.

DT: Well it’s your typical lycra spandex super hero suit with a mask that completely covers the face.

MT: Schmoopy, I don’t think spandex is your look.

DT: Don’t worry there is molded body armor underneath to … ummm? … contour my physique.

MT: Will it compensate for “small hands?”

DT: I have no idea what you’re talking about… but yes it will.

MT: But doesn’t covering your face detract from your biggest advantage?

DT: My stunning good looks?

MT: Uh… yeah that too, but I was thinking about your famousness.

DT: Already have it covered. The costume will be customized to show my hair.

MT: Okay good choice but I haven’t seen this costume in the 90th floor bedroom. Maybe it’s in the 88th floor closet or maybe the 97th floor closet.

DT: What the hell is going on around here? The system is breaking down. I need that costume right away. It’s almost Halloween and I have to start practicing my walk for the Halloween Presidential Debate Red Carpet stroll.

MT: But schmoopy that’s two whole months from now.

DT: I know but there’s a lot of preparation. I have to identify the rest of my entourage. I’m going to need a side-kick. I guess that’ll be Pence (oh boy!) and a super villian, probably dress Chris Christie up as Hillary (he’ll need some extra padding now), and a super hot girlfriend in a see-through skin-tight, topless thong arrangement.

MT: Well at least you don’t have to look for her. I have just the outfit, it’s perfect.

DT: Uh schmoopy I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MT: Why? Just because I’m gonna be the First Lady I can’t show off the merchandise.

DT: Uh … yeah, that’s it. But also for this occasion I’ll need to maximize the effect. I’ll need someone between twenty two and twenty two and a third years old. It’s been researched. I’m depending on getting the young nerd vote and any one older will turn them off.

MT: Oh!!! This politics is ruining our lives. You told me I had at least three more years before I’m too old for you! This is most unfair.

DT: No, no schmoopy, it’s made things better. After I win the election you’ll have at least four years. I’ll need to sew up the second term and it wouldn’t be smart to dump you in the middle of the campaign. You see, it’s a win/win.

MT: Oh schmoopy, you’re so smart. So tell me more about this Dead Pool. Why does he wear a mask? To hide his secret identity?

DT: No, he’s horribly disfigured. Boy I’m glad I’m not really him. It would be a terrible loss to the culture to lose this beautiful face. I mean think of it. If I weren’t this handsome I would never have been able to capture you.

MT: Huh? Oh yes, yes. That’s right. A girl needs a handsome face. That’s all, that’s all. Sure, sure. Uh listen schmoopy, I’ve got to go out right now I’m trying on a few platinum and emerald ball gowns for the Inauguration and I can’t decide whether they are too traditional. I’ll see you tonight in Sydney for the Opera.

DT: No can do schmoopy. I’ve got to get this Dead Pool thing straightened out. The election and the country are depending on me to get this right. Otherwise, disaster.

MT: Suit yourself. (Heads out the door.)

DT: …Now where was I? Oh yeah, (selects a contact on his phone and it rings). Hello Christie, yeah go ahead with the Hillary costume. I don’t care if powder blue makes your ass look big. And also I’ll need you to close up traffic on the George Washington Bridge for a few hours. Oh stop complaining you’re not gonna get re-elected anyway. If it makes a difference we won’t do it during rush hour. I need to be able to jump off one of the cables and crash through the roof of a car while playing “Just Call Me Angel In the Morning.” Why? You’re asking why?  Don’t you know anything about becoming President?

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Trump vs Manning Up: ( A Hopeful Fantasy)

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Location: National Guard base in Louisiana

Secret Service Agent (SSA): Mr. Trump, the motorcade is ready for the trip back to the airport.

Donald Trump (DT): Okay Joseph. I’m just sending a text home. How long should I say it will take us to get back to the airport?

SSA: Three hours sir.

DT: Three hours? That can’t be right. It only took 45 minutes to get here.

SSA: We have to detour around the area we accessed earlier. The National Guard is in there now and we might get stuck behind some major rescue operation or caught in a swamped out road. It may get kind of uncomfortable in there.

DT: Might? May? Come on Joseph, man up! If we’re lucky we’ll save more than two hours and be in New York in time for dinner.

SSA: If you insist sir.

(Fifteen minutes down the road)

DT: Joseph, what’s the delay.

SSA: There’s a convoy at the intersection bringing out some families from the low ground ahead. We’ll be moving in a minute.

DT: Good.

DT: Lotta kids and old people there.

SSA: Yes, sir.

DT: They look beat.

SSA: Yes sir. They’re scared and tired. Alright we’ll be going on now.

DT: Ahh, okay, good.

(Ten minutes later)

DT: Oh my God. Look at those houses. They’re submerged! Is there anyone inside.

SSA: No sir. This is where those people you saw used to live.

DT: Ohh.  Uncomfortable you said.

SSA:  Yes.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph, where are they gonna put those people.

SSA: Temporary shelters. Military bases. Actually they’re trying to figure that out now.

DT: Ohh.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph.

SSA: Yes, Mr Trump.

DT: Head back to the command base.

SSA: But we’ll be late sir.

DT: I guess I’m already almost too late, Joseph.

SSA: As you said sir, man up.

DT:  Yep.

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Trump vs Day 2

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump ,

President Trump (PT)  –  Oh my head.  What the hell was in that lousy champagne they served last night at the Inaugural Ball?  Tell that guy who provided the wine that he’s fired!

Vice President Pence (VPP) – That was the President of France, Mr. President.

PT – Exactly.  France is a loser country.  Very low energy.  We’ll rename Quebec, New France and use them instead for wine and cheese.

VPP – I don’t think you can grow wine grapes in Quebec.

PT – Then we’ll rename Louisiana, New France!  Stop making this difficult Mike.  I don’t want to have to ban you from the Oval Office.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

PT -Okay, so now I’m president what’s next?

VPP – Well, traditionally, you provide Congress with your list of cabinet appointees for them to approve and begin oversight of the executive branch.

PT – How long does that take?

VPP – At least a few weeks?

PT – Weeks? And when do I fire all the Obama people and other people I don’t like?

VPP – Wouldn’t it be better to wait until your people are in place? That would minimize the amount of confusion and make the transition smoother.

PT – Smooth transition? Weeks of delay? Oh no, no, no, no, no. We need to shake these people up and put the fear of Trump into them. I’m gonna clear these free-loaders out tomorrow.

VPP – But you don’t have any staff. How are you going to do all that?

PT – Easy. You’re gonna do it for me.

VPP – But I don’t have any staff yet either. What can I do?

PT – You can type can’t you? You know how to look up the executive branch on Wikipedia don’t you? You’re gonna write a letter to each of the cabinet level heads saying he’s fired and I’m gonna sign them. Then you’re gonna write a letter to each of the department deputies and say if he doesn’t follow the executive orders I’m about to issue that he too will be fired and I’ll sign those. Then carbon copy the newspapers and media desks and send a copy to the joint chiefs of staff.

VPP – What do I look like? Your secretary?

PT – You got anything better to do Pence? Look, we don’t have a lot of time if we’re going to fix this government. I need to get things humming around here. If you don’t want to help, then go over to the VP mansion and start writing your memoirs. I’ll put an ad in the Pennysaver and hire a high school kid who wants a job. And in four years I’ll make him my next vice president. But tell me quick if you want to help because I’ve got a lot of work to do.

VPP – Uh, I’ll get my laptop and get started on the letters.

PT – Good. That sounds a lot less weak than your excuses. Tell the kitchen to send up some sandwiches and coffee.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

PT – Oh and tell the Secret Service to change the locks and passwords on all the doors. Melania’s afraid that old pervert Biden will try to get back in and cop a feel.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

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Trump Vs. The Bizarro World

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , ,

So here we are at the Republican Convention. Melania Trump is plagiarizing from Michelle Obama’s boring speeches and after every floor vote by the rules committee the republican clown car ricochets off of all three circus rings. Under any other circumstance I’d be laughing at the chances of Trump being elected. But this is the Bizarro World. Every time Trump says something stupid or pompous or insane, another BLM madman kills a bunch of cops or a jihadi slaughters a crowd of people and once again makes Trump the sane choice.

Let me be perfectly clear. Bozo the Clown would probably make a more dignified President of the United States than Donald Trump. But once again, in the Bizarro World where Donald Trump is the only candidate unafraid of talking about Islamic Terrorists, Inner City Thugs or Illegal Aliens, he’s the best choice available.

And what does that tell us? I think we can break it down into a few different facts.

1) Donald Trump recognized that there were things the republicans needed to say but were afraid to. So he said them.
Republicans knew what a lot of non-progressives disliked about the democrat agenda. What they didn’t realize was what these same people disliked about republican priorities. They didn’t like the globalist agenda. That includes off-shoring jobs and on-shoring people (massive immigration whether legal or illegal). Also part of that agenda is the endless defense of the “religion of peace.” The repeating of this mantra after each horrific attack has finally turned it into a sad joke. Trump has recognized these things and they have resonated with both republicans and blue collar democrats. Despite his many obvious flaws as a candidate and a human being he was able to see these things clearly. This ability to identify what people are unhappy about is an advantage that almost completely neutralizes his otherwise enormous negatives. This is completely separate from his skills at attacking his opponents and deflecting attacks. But these do point to his realization that people are fed up with politically correct speaking rules. He is unapologetic and extremely plain spoken. The electorate likes this.

2) The Republican leaders were out of touch with what their constituency wanted.
This point is the flip-side of what Trump did right. The republicans have been trying so hard to court all of the democrat constituencies (women, young adults, blacks, hispanics, gays) that they’ve managed instead to alienate their own core constituency (adult straight white men). Without that demographic almost completely on its side republicans have a very difficult task winning elections. What they seem incapable of processing is that they won’t increase their appeal to these other groups by being a watered down version of the democrat party. You’re never going to get most hispanics voting for you without losing a larger number of core constituency voters. The democrats will always be promising more loot than the republicans.

3) The American people are divided and extremely unhappy.
The United States is no longer united. A large chunk of the population wants a nanny state where the government feeds you, houses you, tells you what to say and think and decides everything for you. The rest of us sort of still adhere to the basic idea of the Constitution. Neither Trump nor Clinton actually embrace the Constitutionalists. The best you can say about Trump is that he has pledged to recommend supreme court justices that are strict constructionists. But this is indeed a difficult period for American democracy.

Conclusion

So where does all this leave us? In my opinion, in a very bad spot. A lot of this stuff is very reminiscent of the end of the Roman Republic. The plebians and the patricians were at each other’s throats and rich demagogues were promising the mob bread and circuses for their votes. Back then they also experienced a decay of religious belief and family values. Disruptions to the economy associated with globalization obsoleted many of the comforting ways of life.

So my advice to you dear readers is embrace the bizarro! Trump is the man of the hour so hitch your wagon to his star. If he loses then Caligula (the Clintons) will have all of us crucified in January. If he wins then we’ll muddle on until something even stranger and more disastrous appears on the horizon. But either way hold on to your beliefs about what is right and wrong and pray that eventually we’ll re-emerge on the other side of the worm-hole where America is normal again. My secret hope is that Mike Pence will turn out to be stronger than his recent flip-flop on religious protection showed him and after Trump’s reign we’ll get an actual conservative in the White House. But I’m not holding my breath.

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Donald Trump vs. the All-Star Break

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump ,

Scene: Trump for President campaign Headquarters, noticeably quiet.

Donald Trump (DT) – Hey where is everybody? Where are all the reporters waiting for my abuse?
Obsequious Flunky (OF) – Good morning sir. It’s so good to see you … here.
DT – Skip the groveling. Where the hell is everyone? I haven’t insulted anyone in almost a day. What the hell is going on here? The New York Times says I’m slipping in the polls and Hillary hasn’t coughed up a fur ball in over a week.
OF – Don’t worry sir. We’ve lined up an interview for you with Brian Williams.
DT – Williams? Are you nuts. He’s a total loser. They won’t even let him cover an Easter Egg Roll. He’s poison. Cancel that right now.
OF – But Mr. Trump there’s nothing else scheduled today. You’ll have to go twenty four hours without a reporter beating. That would be death for your election hopes.
DT – You lousy flunky! I’ll have your head for this. You’re fired!

Scene: Trump’s bedroom. Donald is on the phone with his wife Melania.
DT – Shmoopie, I’m worried. I fired my obsequious flunky and now I’ll have to go all the way until Monday without a headline. This could cost me the election.
MT – Oh no shmoopie, does this mean I’ll be poor?
DT – No, of course not. But it could mean you won’t get to live in the White House and you’ld have to stay here in Trump Tower.
MT – (delay before anwering) Yeahhhhh, that would be really bad. Anyway shmoopie, don’t worry. You are very smart and they are very ugly and smelly. You will win.
DT – Well I hope you’re right. Good night shmoopie.
MT – Good night shmoopie.
(They hang up.)
DT – (talking to himself as he gets into bed) I feel so alone. Who can I go to for advice. Nobody is as great as I am. Who can understand my unique problems? (he falls asleep).
Scene: Same bedroom later. The ghost of George Steinbrenner appear at the foot of Trump’s bed.
Ghost of George Steinbrenner (GoGS) – Donald, Donald, wake up.
DT – (waking up and pulling a 1910 from under his bed and pointing it at the apparition) Who the hell are you and who let you in?
GoGS – Donald it’s me George Steinbrenner.
DT – That’s impossible. Steinbrenner is dead.
GoGS – Yes and I’m his ghost.
DT – Holy crap. You do look like him! Well what do you want?
GoGS – I’ve come to help you with your problem.
DT – There is no problem. My hands are not only everything they should be but they’re also everything they could be.
GoGS – No you idiot I’m talking about your campaign problem.
DT – Oh that. Can you really help me?
GoGS – Yes. I know exactly what you need.
DT – Well then what should I do?
GoGS – Nothing.
DT – Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If I do nothing Hillary wins.
GoGS – Hear me out. What was my expertise?
DT – Building ships?
GoGS – Yeah but what was I known for?
DT – Hiring and firing Billy Martin?
GoGS – Exactly. Baseball. I knew exactly how to navigate a baseball season. And did you know that a presidential campaign and a baseball season are almost identical?
DT – I stand corrected. THAT is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
GoGS – Oh yeah smart guy? Think about it for a minute. Before the primaries is basically spring training. The primaries are the first half of the season. The convention is the All-Star Game. And the rest of the season leads up to the World Series which ends about the beginning of November.
DT – Okay. So let’s pretend that that makes sense. How does that help me?
GoGS – Well think about it. It’s almost time for the All-Star Game. What happens right before the All-Star Game?
DT – I don’t know. What.
GoGS – Exactly. Nothing. Nobody pays any attention for the last couple of weeks before the All-Star Game. Everybody needs a break from the non-stop schedule. And the All-Star Game (just like the convention) is a big symbolic stop in the calendar to let us catch our breath and enjoy the Fourth of July before the second half of the season begins.
DT – Okay that almost makes sense. So you’re saying I should go into hiding until the Convention.
GoGS – Hell no! Just make sure you don’t commit any unforced errors before then. Relax and map out your strategy for the playoffs and get ready for the World Series.
DT – You know, that’s pretty good. Thanks. I do feel better.
GoGS – Good. Now go back to sleep and make up some new names for Bill and Hillary.
DT – Thank you Ghost of George Steinbrenner. Is there anything I can do for you once I become President?
GoGS – Well a presidential decree disbanding the Boston Red Sox would be appreciated.

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The Day the Trump Stood Still

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump ,

Scene: The Trump Penthouse Apartment
Morning.

Melania Trump (MT): Good morning, Shmoopie. Would you like bacon and eggs, or pancakes, or an omelet, or French Toast for breakfast?

Donald Trump (DT): Yes, Shmoopie.

(MP): Yes, but which one?

(DT): All of them, of course, Shmoopie.

(MP): No, you’re shmoopie!

(DT): No, you’re shmoopie!

(MP): Shmoopie, I’m so bored of talking to all of those ugly, smelly people. You know, George Snuffleupugus, and Jake Zappa and Megyn Belly. I hate them all. And I hate that you have to be away so much. Haven’t you won the president yet?

(DT): But shmoopie, I just won the nomination and now I have to go to the convention and give a speech and then do the debates and then win the election in November.

(MT): November! I can’t do this for another six months straight. Shmoopie! You need to take a week off and pay attention to me!

(DT): But shmoopie, Hillary isn’t taking a week off. What if I fall behind during the break.

(MT): Don’t be silly. It’s the summer. Everyone expects reruns in the summer. Just tell them to watch The Apprentice for the next week.

(DT): Shmoopie, that’s brilliant. That’s what I’ll do.

(MT): Of course, shmoopie, after all, you did marry me for my brains.

(DT): Uh, yeah, sure. Brains.

End scene.

Two Days Later
ABC News Room
George Snuffleupugus’s Office

The intercom speaks.

Intercom: Mr S., Disney is on line 2.

George S. (GS): Okay Janey, I’ll take it in here.

Picking up the phone.

(GS): Snuffleupugus here. Who’s calling.

(WD): It’s Disney.

(GS): Yes I know you’re from Disney. But who is this?

(WD): It’s Walt Disney, you shrimpy twerp!

(GS): That’s impossible! Walt Disney’s been dead for forty years.

(WD): Yes, but any idiot knows I had my body cryogenically preserved. And now that the technology has advanced enough I’ve been revived. What did you think was going on at Epcot Center all these years? Flying car research? Now stop yammering and listen!

(GS): Uh, but you don’t pay my salary do you?

(WD): Not if you keep yapping like this I won’t. Now listen. Trump’s been on hiatus for only two days and already the whole news business is drying up and blowing away. Without his tweets and his quotes on Hannity nobody’s watching anything. Google had to shut down two whole server farms the size of Iowa. MSNBC had to be re-purposed as a home shopping channel for cat video collectors. And the New York Times has become a sex chat site. Maureen Dowd has become a very popular dominatrix turning tricks for most of the conservative punditry. Things cannot go on like this any longer. If you boobs can’t get him back on the job of mocking you and the Clintons we’re gonna have to euthanize the whole news department.

(GS): You’re gonna shut us down?

(WD): No, the severance packages would be too expensive. I’m gonna send my grandson Dave down there with a tanker truck of chloroform and flood the ventilation system and declare it a tragic accident.

(GS): You can’t do that!

(WD): Well then, screw this up and I guess we’ll find out won’t we? Disney out!

Snuffleupugus hangs up the phone and buries his face in his hands. After several minutes he straightens up and calls over the intercom.

(GS): Janey, get me the big dog.

Janey: Goofey?

(GS): No you dizzy bitch, Bubba, former President Bill Clinton.

Janey: Yes sir.

After several minutes.

Janey: Mr S., he’s on line 3.

(GS): Thank you Janey.

He picks up the phone.

(GS): Hello Mr. President. Sorry to disturb you so suddenly.

Bill Clinton (BC): George you little pissant, why are you disturbing me during my very private relaxation time. I was very close to complete relaxation. This had better be important.

(GS): Yes, Mr. President it’s extremely urgent.

(BC): Yeah, what’s that?

(GS): Donald Trump is on break from the election.

(BC): So? Who, gives a crap about that?

(GS): Well, take a look at the present price of Google on the NYSE.

(BC): Well I’ll be a ring-necked lewinsky! I’ll be ruined. I’ll have to go back to shaking down trailer park floozies. Snuffleupugus. We have to fix this.

(GS): Well, that’s why I called you. You’re the greatest con artist of the last century. Surely you can relate to the greatest con artist of this century. How can we get him back on the job?

(BC): All right, all right, don’t rattle me! Give me a second here. Okay, I know, I’ll call him up. Big dawg to big dawg. I’ll cut him a deal he can’t refuse.

(GS): “Can’t refuse?” You’re gonna threaten him?

(BC): No you half-wit. I’m not Don Corleone. I’m gonna give him something he wants.

(GS): But what could Donald Trump want?

(BC): Hillary.

(GS): Uh, Mr. President. How can I put this diplomatically? Have you seen Hillary and Melania side by side?

(BC): No you cretin. He doesn’t want to hump her. He wants her head on a platter. I’m gonna throw the election to him in exchange for his return.

(GS): But you wouldn’t do that. That would be disloyal.

(BC): Oh man. Where did we find you anyway? In the cabbage patch? Look this isn’t just about the presidency it’s about something really important, my money. Hillary will just have to take one for the team. Anyway, she’s kinda used to that.

(GS): Goodbye Mr. President.

End scene.

Scene: Trump Penthouse.

Early Afternoon

Donald Trump is dressed in a costume that sort of resembles one of the Three Musketeers except that he’s also wearing a Phantom of the Opera style mask. He’s singing along and dancing around to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and playing the air guitar.

(DT): Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)

(His cell phone rings to the tune of the Jetsons theme.)

Awww crap. Something always ruins the best part of the song. Trump here. This had better be good. I was just closing a deal worth billions of dollars.

(BC): Well, I feel you pain. I surely do. But this is hot stuff that can’t wait.

(DT): Clinton? What the hell do you want?

(BC): Now hold on. This is strictly a business proposition. No politics, no tricks. I want to sell you something you want.

(DT): What?

(BC): The election.

(DT): Why would you sell me the election?

(BC): Because I’m loosing cash.

(DT): Oh, the Google thing?

(BC): Exactly.

(DT): Okay spell it out.

(BC): I give you the Vince Foster deal, the Rose Law Firm caper, the $100,000 futures scam and the Benghazi details and that will make sure that my Google calls are in the money for at least the next couple of weeks.

(DT): You’re gonna go on tape with all those details? Hillary will just deny it all.

(BC): Of course she would. That’s why she’s gonna say them herself.

(DT): Why would she do that?

(BC): Because I’ve got her doped to the gills with sodium pentothal and in the trunk of my car. We take her to Snuffleupugus’s studio and do a little interview. Two hours later you’re as good as president and I’m on the next plane to Epstein’s little resort for a permanent vacation.

(DT): Well Melania is gonna be disappointed by this interruption but I’ll make it up to her in January. I’ll name a monument after her.

(BC): All right then it’s settled. I’ll head there now. But I can’t wait around for you there so this is goodbye. Enjoy the White House. And if you check the bottom right hand draw of the desk in the Oval Office there’s a secret compartment. Some of my favorites should still be there. Barry won’t have found them. No imagination. I know you’ll like them. Just make sure Melania doesn’t find them. Bubba out.

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To Serve Trump

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Announcer (sounding surprisingly like Don Pardo):  Ladies and Gentlemen, and all you other less easily addressed members of the television audience, we interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.
President Trump (PT):  Hello everyone, sorry to break into your brain dead stupor again but if the safety of the nation is of any importance to you, drop the bong and try to concentrate.  I’ve got some very disturbing news.
As you know, we’ve begun our first round of deportations.  One of the steps required is identifying the country of origin for the millions of illegals living here.  Now this is a tricky business and very careful work is needed to prove where these people come from, especially since they’re not very cooperative.  Anyway, after careful investigation it has been determined that about 11 percent of the rounded up aliens turn out to be actual aliens!  By that I mean outer space guys, you know like E.T. only smellier.  As you can imagine, this will make repatriation more difficult.  But fear not, I’ve already begun the process of contacting the home planets of these deadbeats and getting them to ferry these bums back home.  In fact I’ll have to admit that several of these governments have been more cooperative than our neighbors to the south.  The Kanamit, for instance, went so far as to offer to accept as many illegal human aliens as we could send and at no cost to us.  Their only request was that we put them on a two week bacon diet before we send them.  Huh, go figure.
So this development gave me an idea.  I have enacted an executive order which will allow any American citizen who no longer wants to live here to obtain asylum with the Kanamit.  They have described their world as a socialist paradise without war or hunger, where no one works, food is free and plentiful and people aren’t discriminated against for putting on a little extra weight.  After hearing the Kanamit offer during congressional hearings Senator Sanders, Congresswoman Pelosi and former Secretary Clinton have decided to lead a large scale emigration of democrats, federal workers and university employees to the Kanamit home planet.  Secretary Cinton’s exact words were “So long to Trump and his capitalistic bullshit.  From now on it’s gonna be mashed potatoes and gravy.  I’m throwing away this stupid pants suit and getting a moo-moo.” The Kanamit ambassador thanked me profusely and asked if I was interested in joining the group. I told him I was too busy, at which point he gave me an autographed copy of his new book, “To Serve Man” which he told me was sort of like “The Art of the Deal” on his planet. Well he was a really strange sort of a guy, reminded me of Kasich, only like 4 feet taller and with sharper teeth. Anyway they left this morning and Washington is much quieter now.
Well, they’ll be missed but we’ll have to try and soldier on.  In related news, I’ve officially opened up relations with the Lensman dimension.  They’ve agreed to take over drug interdiction on the Mexican border. I had to agree that they would be allowed to summarily execute any zwilniks they caught, whatever the hell those are. I said yeah sure.
And finally, at the request of the Predator home world I’m allowing Governor Jerry Brown to be extradited to stand trial for murder. He says it’s a mix-up involving his predecessor but I’ll let them sort it out without me.
Okay folks, you can get back to your twinkies and doritos you losers. Trump out.

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Jerk Store!

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The First Clinton/ Trump Debate

DR: Howdy ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the first Clinton/Trump debate.  My name is Dan Rather and I’ve come out of forced retirement to do my very best to torpedo Donald Trump.  We’re here in beautiful Newark, New Jersey to help the American people come to their senses and welcome Hillary Clinton as their next leader.  You may remember a few weeks ago that Senator Sanders had a nervous breakdown during his debate with Mr. Trump.  Of course no one could explain the presence of LSD in both Senator Sanders’ blood and Senator Clinton’s handbag but we’ve moved on to the task at hand.  The Democratic Party reconvened their leadership and drafted Senator Clinton to take over for Sanders as their nominee.   So let’s welcome the candidates and get this show on the road!
DR:  Good evening Senator Clinton.
HC:  Hello Dan… cough cough  So good to see you back… cough cough cough cough cough
DR:  Good evening Mr. Trump.
DT:  You still alive Rather?  That’s too bad.  I thought I’d get to give Stephanopolis a wedgie  tonight.
DR:  If I didn’t need this gig to pay off my trailer mortgage I’d walk out right now.
DT:  Hey I’ll write you a check and get you on your way.
DR:  Moving on.  The first question is for Mr. Trump.  How can the American people trust you to take care of their fiscal problems if you have personally gone bankrupt four separate times?
DT:  Rather, that just shows how ignorant you are about the realities of modern finance.  In each case I used the law to re-align my businesses to thrive in the ultra-competitive environment of today’s economy.  I’m sure you’re too stupid to understand this but to a real businessman this would be apparent.
HC:  Businessperson, not businessman. cough cough cough cough cough
DT:  What?
HC:  I corrected your gender exclusive choice of words…cough cough.  We’re in the 21st century.  Deal with…cough cough cough cough cough…it!
DT:  Are you serious?  You’re gonna pull the woman card for that?  Aren’t you afraid that if you waste it on every male pronoun and stereotype that it’ll be all used up when you really need it?  Like when I call you a shreiking fat hag and tell you to shut the hell up.
HC:  How dare… cough cough… you try to… cough cough cough… silence me… Cough cough cough…  I’m a strong…cough cough cough cough… woman and I can… cough cough cough cough… put you in your… cough cough cough cough cough… place anytime.
DT: Yeah? Well the nineties called and they want your feminism back.
HC: Oh yeah,… cough cough… well the… cough cough cough… jerk store… cough cough cough… called… cough cough cough cough… and they’re out of… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough
DT:  What the hell is wrong with you?  Hey Rather, this old bag sounds like she’s dying of tuberculosis.  Unless you can put her in a germ proof bubble I’m getting the hell out of this death trap.
HC:  Run away… cough cough cough cough cough… you big… cough cough cough cough cough… coward… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough.
DT:  That’s it.  I’m outta here.  Good luck Rather.  Hope you make it.  So long Consumptive Clinton.
DR:  And that’s the rest of the story here in Newark tonight.  I’m Dan Rather and this is not the evening news.

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President Trump’s Gettysburg Address

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We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to present an address by the president.

“Good evening my fellow Americans.  Sorry to wake you out of your reality tv stupor. But this will be short.  So put down your bong and try to follow along. I’m speaking to you tonight because I’m making a change in your lives very soon and I didn’t want to surprise anyone.  Starting next month I’m shutting down the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.  That’s radio, tv and internet.  The whole kit and kaboodle.  I had the whole news staff in here at lunch and broke the news to them.  They didn’t take it well.  I told them they could maybe get some intern spots on the staff at MSNBC.  Well anyway, it’s moving ahead.

You may be asking why I’m doing this.  Well, it’s like this. I have a grandchild now.  And after catching a few minutes of Sesame Street and a few of the other kid shows I was worried that my grandchild might turn into a loser.  I mean, it’s a bunch of old people hanging out in Greenwich Village with a bunch of puppets. How could that turn out well?  And the Nova guys are always harping about the global warming and animal rights.  Let’s face it.  It’s propaganda.  And that guy Ken Burns is so boring that even real baseball is less boring than his baseball.  I mean what’s the big deal about Gettysburg?  I’ve been there.  A real snooze-fest.  Not a single casino anywhere.

Now maybe you might be thinking that it’s hypocritical for someone involved with the Apprentice to render judgement on educational tv.  Maybe but think about it.  Only the brain-dead watch reality tv.  It’s already too late for them.  I’m just harvesting their welfare residual value.  But PBS targets children.  Only the suicidal sacrifice their own children.  I’m not that crazy.

So anyway, I’m pulling the whole thing off the air.  With any luck those PBS guys can get their own funding or possibly advertising revenue from the letters N and O and the numbers zero and zilch.  Anyway I’m sure Comcast can carry them.  They already funnel money to total losers like MSNBC.  One more free-loader couldn’t make that big a difference.

So the government is getting out of the tv business.  But this is just the beginning.  I’ll be following up with a review of our research funding and social agency support.  I’m guessing that climate science is gonna have to change its name to climate science fiction and get its funding from the Syfy Channel because the government gravy-train has just been derailed.

Alright, that’s all for now.  You can get back to watching porn and smoking pot.  Wow.”

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