Tag: Humor

Trump vs the Martian

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(Scene 1 – White House West Wing)

Mike Pence (MP):  Mr. President, I got your message.

Donald Trump (DT):  Hello Mike.  Yeah, I need some help.

MP:  Yes, what can I do?

DT:  Until our NSF man is appointed I need to get someone to get the eggheads working on something for me.

MP:  Sure I’ll get someone on the phone right away and have them line up the subject matter experts you need.  What is the subject?

DT:  Nukes.

MP:  Mr. President, isn’t it a little early in the term to start rattling sabres?

DT:  No not bombs, power plants.

MP:  But why Mr. President?  With fracking and the lower prices it isn’t economical to build nuclear power plants.

DT:  Think big Mike.  Sure, oil’s cheap now but it isn’t infinite.  We’ve got to look for a fuel that will still be around in a thousand years and solve the problems before we’re already using it.

MP:  Alright, that’s true.  But right now the environmentalists are up in arms about the climate change thing and are ready to start a war with you.

DT:  Exactly.  And that’s how I’m gonna sell it to them.  I’ll make them put their money where their mouths are.

MP:  How?

DT:  I’ll simply say if they believe that global warming is real then they must support an alternative to fossil fuels.  It’s just been shown how useless wind and solar are for practical power generation.  I’ll tell them if they want to save the planet, they’ll have to sign on to this initiative.  They’ll be too scared to admit the whole thing was a hoax so they’ll be backed into a corner.  And once they agree it’ll utterly piss off the Gaia crowd who hate nukes worse than they hate me.  It’s a real win win.

MP:  Sounds like an interesting idea.  Where do you intend to locate this new project?

DT:  Detroit.

MP:  No, Mr. President!  The optics would be terrible!

DT:  Wrong again.  This program would generate jobs all the way from PhD’s down to janitors.  Putting Americans to work is the best kind of optics there is.  And Detroit needs jobs like nowhere else.

MP:  Maybe you’re right about this.  But why are you suddenly interested in nuclear power?

DT:  Because I’m from Queens.

MP:  I don’t understand.

DT:  Have you ever seen the site of the 1963 World’s Fair?

MP:  Well yes.  The Unisphere and the flying saucer towers that they showed in Men in Black.

DT:  Yeah.  Well I was a teenager when my parents brought me to it.  And I saw a vision of the future that included unlimited power, space travel, a cure for cancer and flying cars.  Well I’m seventy years old and the only space age thing I see is the cell phone in my pocket.

That doesn’t cut it.

My grandkids are going to live in a world without limits.  I’m tired of losers whining about why we can’t do the things we know we can do.  And I think it’s about time we start doing them.  I’m also going to restart the space program.  But we’re gonna need a better propulsion system to get to Mars.  I saw Matt Damon raising potatoes in his own poop because it took two years to get to Mars.  With nukes we could get there in two weeks.  That’s what we’re gonna do.

MP:  I’ll get them on the phone.

DT:  Oh, and see if anyone has a background in underwater construction.  I always wanted to build a hotel in the Gulf of Mexico.  Good winter vacation spot.

Melania vs Nasty Women

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(Scene 1 – White House West Wing)

President Trump (PT):  Schmoopy, schmoopy.  Where are you?

Melania Trump (MT):  Right here schmoopy.  I was just on-line buying a new summer house in Tokyo.  I am tired of the New York.  It is smelly and ugly and the mayor is the smelly, ugly, commie pinko.  I hate the barricade and the ugly, smelly, mean people who are mean to me and our son.

PT:  Who is being mean to our son, schmoopy?  I’ll have the secret service water board him.

MT:  You cannot schmoopy.  It is a mean girl from SNL and you cannot use the torture on girls.  They’re so mean, they do not even notice it.  It’s much better to get the National Enquirer to say that she has the herpes.

PT:  Fine, I’ll go with that.  Now I need your help.

MT:  Of course schmoopy.  We must all support the Commando of Cheap.

PT:  That’s Commander in Chief.

MT:  Oh.  Well, sure, why not?

PT:  Anyway, I need help with a problem.  There are millions of American women who think I mean to do them harm.  Did you see the news clips of the women with the hats in Washington?

MT:  These are the pussy-heads?

PT:  Yes.

MT:  Oh schmoopy, there is no help for that.  If your head is up there then you cannot hear anything, believe me.  It is like the American expression, “you have the head up the butthole.”

PT:  Yes, but we must try.  I want as much support for my policies as I can possibly get.

MT:  Schmoopy, I will try.  I will talk to the hat women.  I will ask them to take their heads out of their hats and hear the words.

PT:  Thank you schmoopy.  Now I must go and save the world from Prince Charles and Al Gore.  They’re using up so much jet fuel during their celebrity protests against global warming that the strategic petroleum reserve is on EMPTY and the blinking red light is about to come on.

(Scene 2 – Podium of the Pussy Hat Rally in Central Park)

Rosie O’Donnell (RO):  Sisters, we are here to resist the evil Trump regime with every fiber of our beings.  With our hats, we form a sisterhood of solidarity.  We are stronger than any man and we will not give up until we have conquered the enemy and his evil patriarchal rule.

Joy Beyhar (JB):  Thank you Rosie, and now ladies we have a controversial speaker.  Sort of a traitor to the sisterhood.  Let’s give polite attention to Melania Trump.

RO:  Booo!  Booo!  We hate you!

JB:  Quiet Rosie.  We have no time to waste.

MT:  Thank you Joy.  You are very kind to let me speak to these crazy women.  And Rosie, have some cheesecake right away.  You must be having the low energy.

RO:  AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

MT:  Hello Nasty Women.  I am the First Lady Melania Trump.  I know that you are angry with schmoopy because he said you are ugly and talk too much and because he gave the ass-kicking to Mrs. Clinton.

Crowd:  Booo!   Boooo!

MT:  Please nasty women.  Let me speak.  You must know the truth and stop putting your heads in the pussy.  Schmoopy does not mean you the harm.  He only wants you to shut up and make the sandwich.  I heard him say so.  And he is right.  If you do these things some of you may be able to find ugly husbands and produce ugly children.  I know these things because I have friends and relatives who are also ugly and they are doing these things and producing the children.  Go back to your homes.  Bath yourselves and clean your hair.  Put on the make-up and the push up bra and you will find the ugly men, I promise you.  And do not vote for the Hillary again.  She is very bad and her husband is a very creepy man.  He stared at me at the swearing in and he was very scary.  Now go away.  You are too close to the Trump Tower and may scare Barron.  He is frightened of the ugly women.  He is not used to them.

 

(Scene 3 – White House West Wing)

MT:  Schmoopy, I’m home.

PT:  Schmoopy!  The President of NOW has given up lesbianism and married Sylvester Stallone and Rosie O’Donnell has entered rehab.  My poll number with women has gone up 30 points.  How did you do it?

MT:  I told them the true things that my mother told me when I was a beautiful little girl.  She said Melania, for every ugly pot, there is an ugly lid.  But not for you.  You are beautiful and will marry the billionaire from America.

PT:  This really is the greatest country in the world.

Trump vs The MSM (Part II)

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Trump vs The MSM (Part I)

 

Scene: White House West Wing

 

David Muir (DM):  Good evening, I’m David Muir of ABC News reporting from the White House with an exclusive interview with newly inaugurated President Donald Trump.  Good evening Mr. President.

President Trump (PT):  Hello David.

(DM):  Mr. President, all of America is asking what will your administration do next.  Your actions this week to build the wall and reverse so many of President Obama’s executive orders have surprised many people and frightened a good many of those.

(PT):  Well David, I understand there are a percentage of Americans who disagree with my agenda.  Those people are called democrats.  But it doesn’t make much sense for them to be surprised.  I’ve been saying for a year and a half that I would do all these things.

(DM):  Many thought you were exaggerating.

(PT):  So much for that.  Look, I have a very aggressive agenda and time passes quickly in this town.  It takes forever to just get rolling.  For someone used to getting things done it’s very frustrating.  So, no one should be surprised if I ram these changes through as quickly as humanly possible.

(DM):  But what can you say to allay the fears of these people?

(PM):  See a headshrinker.  He’ll be able to explain that reality is sometimes different from your delusions.

(DM):  That seems like a callous way of treating these people.

(PT):  Not at all.  Lying to people is much crueler.  Like those crazy women who were shrieking about me while wearing those stupid hats.  Telling people that they were the resistance instead of just posers.  Look at that idiot Madonna.  Talking about blowing up the White House.  That’s the talk of a petulant child or a lunatic.  She’s much better off seeing a shrink or taking a vacation or even taking care of her kids.

(DM):  Mr. President, a lot of Americans think you’ve been lying about many things.  For instance, you claim that your inauguration crowd was larger than President Obama’s.

(PT):  Well David, if anyone should be worried about telling lies to the American people it should be the television and print press.  Your colleagues Brian Williams and Dan Rather were both fired for fabricating stories.  And even the ones who haven’t been fired know that they spend an enormous amount of time spinning facts to fit a narrative they want the viewers to believe.  I mean, how is it that if a high government official knowingly disobeys the security laws for safeguarding government secrets and because of that a foreign government obtains that information the press doesn’t do their job and alert the people of the seriousness of the situation.  And if the government at the time colludes to allow this crime to go unpunished how can the press not trumpet this from the front page as a major scandal?  Isn’t that wholesale lying or even journalistic malfeasance.

(DM):  But we’re not the US government we’re just in business.

(PT):  From what I learned in grammar school, the press has a very important role to play in the American system.  It seems that lying about the facts to the American people when it involves their government should be considered a serious offense.  I think I’ll have my justice department review the record of your industry over the course of the last couple of presidents and see if any RICO laws have been violated.

(DM):  Mr. President, I’m not sure I like the way this interview is going.

(PT):  Relax David.  The truth shall set you free. Maybe.

Trump vs The MSM (Part I)

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Trump vs The MSM (Part II)

 

Scene: Oval Office

President Trump (PT):  Spicer, get in here will ya?  I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Press Secretary Spicer (PSS):  How can I help you Mr. President?

PT:  I was just watching your presser with those news yahoos.  Why didn’t you blast those imbeciles?  Polite speech is wasted on these losers.

PSS:  Well, Mr. President, I am trying to maintain the dignity of our offices.

PT:  Under most circumstances that would make sense.  But these cretins are true villains.  Treating them humanely is a mistake.

PSS:  But how can you be sure that that strategy won’t boomerang against us?

PT:  That’s where tactics come into play.

PSS:  I confess I’ll need all the help on this I can get.

PT:  Relax, I’ve looked into the resources available to the White House and I’ve set up a command center for you.  You’ll have about forty men on your crew.  It’ll be their job to collect counter intelligence on the news rats and set up the audio-visual show.

PSS:  Sir, is that even legal?

PT:  Son, all it requires is enough manpower to research the earlier news reports of these blithering idiots to show just what kind of duplicitous hypocrites they really are.

PSS:  But is this not excessive?

PT:  That is dead wrong.  Even though the main stream media is barely credible with a good percentage of the population it is a mistake to let them lie about us and our work.  Now get together with your crew and start setting up the technical equipment in advance of the next press conference.

PSS:  Yes Mr. President.  Do you happen to have anything available on the NBC crew?  They’ve been especially annoying today.

PT:  Are you kidding?  I’ve got a reel of them throwing softballs to Obama about Reverend Wright that will have them running for the exits.

PSS:  Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of weasels.

 

Trump vs The MSM (Part II)

Trump vs Reality

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Donald Trump (DT) – Hey Pence!

Mike Pence (MP) – Yes Mr. Trump.

DT – Hey, why don’t you call me Mr. President?

MP – Because you’re not president yet Mr. Trump.

DT – Well then, why is Schumer calling me president?

MP – He’s trying to tie your hands by blaming you for things that happen before you get into the White House.

DT – What a weasel!  That’s it!  I’ll make sure his Aunt get’s thrown out of that rent-controlled apartment in Trump Village.  Fine.  But remember in a couple of weeks you’re gonna have to call me Mr. President.

MP – Yes, Mr. Trump.

DT – Hey, anyway, the reason I called you is I need to start figuring out what this government business does.

MP – Well, it runs the country.

DT – No I don’t mean what it says it does.  I mean what it actually does.

MP – I’m not sure I see the distinction.

DT – Sure you do.  You are the governor of a state.  You know where the bodies are buried.  You know which are the sacred cows that don’t do anything but can’t be touched because they have juice.

MP – Oh, I think I see.  You want to know where the fat is and why.

DT – Exactly.  I want to know where the pork is and more importantly, who are the rabbis.

MP – The rabbis?

DT – Rabbis, godfathers, whatever you want to call them.  The guys who know where the bodies are buried and who collect the fees.

MP – Yes, I see.  Mr. Trump that is a very big job.  You’ll need your cabinet working for months to just begin to understand where the waste and featherbedding is.

DT – That’s what you think.  I’ve been talking with the Thiel guy.  He may be a little light in the loafers but he’s plenty smart.  He’s working on an algorithm to find this stuff.  I’ll bet he gets it done in days or weeks.

MP – Mr. Trump, that sounds like science fiction.  I hardly think you’ll be able to streamline the US Government in a few weeks.  You’ve got to be realistic.  If we can slow down the growth a little while we’re in office it will be a great achievement.

DT – Now that’s exactly what’s wrong with this country.  You want to drain the swamp with an eyedropper.  I want to use an atom bomb.  Look, Mike we only have about a hundred days to build up some momentum.  After that we’re dead meat.  So, look alive.  You know the saying, “Lead, follow or get out of the way.”  Well, I’m leading so that just leaves you two options, and there’s no way to get out of my way so hurry up and follow.  And bring along a crow bar ‘cause we’ve got a lotta demo to do.

MP – Okay Mr. Trump I’ll do my best.

DT – Look, Mike.  You’ve gotta start thinking on your feet.  I’m gonna hand this show over to someone in four years.  If you wanna be that guy you better wake up.

MP – Well when you put it that way, lead on.  I think there are a couple of agencies that haven’t produced anything but pensions in the thirty years I’ve been around and I can tell you who to start firing right now.

DT – That’s better.  I knew there was a reason I didn’t go with Christie.  Besides his taste in suits.

Trump vs. the Cabinet Picks

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Donald Trump (DT):  Pence!  Where the hell have you gone now!  Will you get in here?  I need your so-called opinion.

Mike Pence (MP):  I’m right here Mr. Trump.  I was just on the phone with George Stephanopoulos.  He wanted to know if you were sorry for your history of hate speech against a metabolically challenged member of the LGBTQ community.

DT:  What?  Who the hell is he talking about?

MP:  I think he was talking about Rosie O’Donnell.

DT:  You can tell that muppet troll of a fake journalist that he can kiss my ass.  Now come on.  We have work to do.

MP:  How can I help?

DT:  I don’t like these picks we’re getting for the Cabinet.  These guys are all old and boring.  I mean Romney?  We need someone tough and smart.

MP:  Well, sir, what qualification would you rate as most important; confirmability, expertise, loyalty?

DT:   Balls.

MP:  Excuse me?

DT:  I want somebody who’s not afraid to tell the Press or Congress or the Europeans to pound sand when they start whining.

MP:  Mr. Trump, I don’t think you understand the art of compromise.

DT:  I don’t do compromise.  I fight.  I get what I want by knowing what the other guy will and won’t do.  That’s the kind of men I want working for me.

MP:  Could you give me some examples of this type of man?

DT:  Of course.  The history books are full of them.  Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Alexander the Great, Napoleon.  All my heroes.

MP:  Sir, those are brutal conquerors.  They hardly reflect the American spirit.

DT:  Fine.  How about George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, George E. Patton, Robert E. Lee?  They were Americans, weren’t they?

MP:  Yes, but those are wartime leaders.  We’re at peace.

DT:  Bull!  We’ve been at war in this country for over a hundred years with the communists.  I need men who know how to fight.

MP:  Nevertheless, I don’t think men of that caliber exist today.  Where could you find them?

DT:  Pence, did your mother ever give birth to any children that lived?  The military of course.  All those high-ranking officers that Obama fired for not kowtowing to the LGBTQ mafia.  They’ll be perfect.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant!  I’ll get right on it.

DT:   Ding, ding, ding.  Finally, you hear.  Hey, do me a favor.  See what you can do about returning the name to War Department.  I think that kind of rebranding will attract the right kind of recruit.

MP:  Yes, sir.

DT:  And find out if I can transfer the Corporation for Public Broadcasting into the Army.  I have this idea about having Big Bird court-martialed and hanged for treason.

MP:  Uhhh, okay?

Trump vs The Wake-Up Call

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Scene:  Trump Headquarters, Election Day evening.

Donald Trump (DT) (Reclining back in his desk chair asleep and having a bad dream):  No, no.  I don’t want to eat the Supreme Court.  Sotomayor is too greasy, Ginsburg is too stringy and Kagan is too bitter!  No don’t force me to do it.  Don’t suspend the first amendment!  No, no, noooooo!

Melania Trump (MT)  (bending over and shaking Trump):  Wake up Schmoopy, you’re having the bad dream.

Mike Pence (MP):  Mrs. Trump is he alright?

Chris Christie (CC):  Yes, should we call an ambulance?

MT:  No he sometimes has the bad dreams.  They started after we went to the Clinton wedding.  Very scary.

DT:  Where am I?  Did I eat them?

MP:  Eat what?

DT:  The Supreme Court broads.

MT:  Why are you dreaming of having the oral sex with other women, you bad man?

DT:  No, not have sex with them, tear them to pieces and wolf down their flesh.

MT:  Oh, in that case it’s alright.

CC:  Mr. Trump have you gone out of your mind?  Why would you dream of such a thing?

DT:  Because I’m a werewolf.  Remember, after being bitten by a loup garou down in Louisiana after the flood, I became a werewolf and killed vampire Hillary Clinton during the debate and then during my first hundred days in office I was forced to eat the democrat members of Congress and the entire staff of the Departments of Education and Energy.

MP:  But Mr. Trump it’s only election day and none of those things happened.  Look at the TV screen on the wall.  They’re showing Clinton Campaign Headquarters and there she is and surrounded by all those democrats.

DT:  But you were there Mike and you were there Melania and you Chris.  And I ate Hillary and Biden and him and him and him too!  It all seemed so real and there were some meals that were really, really, gross but there were also some meals that were really, really good.  Like when I ate Oprah, it was exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

CC:  No Mr. Trump.  All those people are still alive and you’ve been right here asleep.

DT:  Well I’m glad I’m back because even though slaughtering your political opponents is very effective, it takes a terrible toll on your self-esteem and waistline.  And that’s why every time they told me I had to solve one of these political problems by digestion I told them I just wanted to go home to Queens.  And they sent me back and here I am.  And I’ll never leave again.

MT:  But Schmoopy, if you win tonight won’t you have to go to Washington the DC?

DT:  No.  I will sign an executive order making Queens the new capitol.

MP:  But Mr. Trump, all the federal personnel are in D.C.  The government won’t be able to enact business for years if you move the capitol.

DT:  That’s a feature Mike, not a bug.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant.  Without access to the presidency these bureaucrats won’t be able to spend money half as fast as they do now.  I should have thought of it with my brain,

MT:  And I should have felt it with my heart.

CC:  And I should have sensed it with my courageous political instinct.

DT:  Whatever.  Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll join everyone at the main screen.  But have someone send out for a snack.  I’m ravenous.  Better make it ice cream and put on the Oxygen Network during dinner.

Trump vs the Congressional Negotiations

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Scene 1: Oval Office, Monday morning.

Vice President Pence (VPP) Mr. President, We’ve got a problem.

President Trump (PT) Pence, what the hell is wrong now? I’ve already right sized the government and eliminated the Departments of Education, Energy and the EPA. What is left to worry about?

VPP:  The Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader are forming a coalition with the democrats to produce a veto proof majority and use it to prevent any of your initiatives being funded.

PT:  Don’t these idiots ever learn? Alright, convene a presidential address in the Capitol. I’ll “persuade” them. Get me a list of all the democrats and the Speaker’s and the Majority Leader’s allies in this cabal.

VPP:  Mr. President, I didn’t know you knew the word cabal.

PT:  Ha ha. Any more jokes at my expense, Pense and I’ll add you to this list.

VPP:  Sorry sir.

PT:  Okay, get going. And get me the Alka Seltzer. No, make that Brioschi.

VPP:  What’s Brioschi?

PT:  Oh, just look it up.

Scene 2: US Capital, Wednesday night.

PT:  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here tonight to move forward on the people’s work. This afternoon I met with the republican and democratic leadership teams for the house and senate. I gave them an ultimatum, either cooperate with my agenda or be eaten. Apparently they thought I was joking. They all started laughing. So I ate them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, he couldn’t have eaten all of them, they’re way too greasy. But you’re wrong. As US President and werewolf I take my responsibilities and meals very seriously. So while I feel decidedly queasy I am fully committed to seeing this problem through to its logical end. So to speed up the process would any of you congressmen or senators who feels he must in good conscience vote against my requested legislation please move toward the left side of the room, your left that is. Everyone else can leave now and the last one out please lock the door behind you. Thank you and good night.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………. Good they’re gone. Now let’s get down to business…………………………….………

Scene 3: Oval Office, Thursday morning.

VPP:  Good morning sir, how are you feeling today.

PT:  Pence, this job is killing me. My cholesterol is through the roof and I can barely get into my fat suit. Look at me. I look like Jabba the Hut.

VPP:  Sir, no one would blame you for taking it easy for a few weeks. Why don’t you try a golf holiday?

PT:  But who will keep an eye on things while I’m gone.

VPP:  Well Mr. President, after the events of the last few months I doubt there’s anyone left who will give us any trouble. I’ll hold down the fort.

PT:  Okay I’ll do it. Where do you suggest I go?

VPP:  Well there is a big charity tournament in Hawaii. I believe your predecessor is one of the sponsors of the match.

PT:  Him? Hmmm. Well why not? By tomorrow I’ll probably be a little hungry again and he’s all skin and bones anyway. Might as well mix business with pleasure. I have a feeling I’m gonna kill it on the links.

VPP:  Yes Mr. President.

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

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Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.

 

Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.

 

Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.

Trump vs the Urban Fantasy Debate

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Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate.

 

Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):  Mr. Trump, you called for me?

Donald Trump (DT):  Bannon, I need your help preparing for the debate.

SB:  Certainly sir.  Do you need someone to stand in for Mrs. Clinton or the moderator?

DT:  Well sort of.  I need someone who’s the same height and weight as Hillary.

SB:  Uhhhh …… why?

DT:  I need to practice some fighting techniques for when she vamps out and rushes me.

SB:  Mr. Trump, I must assure you that there is absolutely no possibility that Mrs. Clinton is a vampire.  And despite what occurred in Louisiana, you are most definitely not a werewolf.

DT:  Look Bannon, obviously you’re just not as perceptive as I am.  You know, with my werewolf senses and stuff.  Trust me.  It’s completely certain that she is some species of undead and 83% certain to be a vampire.  The science is settled on this point.  You either have to lead, follow or get out of the way.  I intend to lead.  My plan is to replace the drinking water on the stage with holy water and when she drinks it her face and throat will burst into flames.  At that point I intend to stake her and pin her to the podium carpet.  Then I’ll  explain to the Secret Service the importance of decapitating her and stuffing her mouth with garlic as soon as the debate is finished.  My only problem at this point is whether I should go after Bill next or hold off until the full moon.  I believe he is the senior vampire and his strength may be too great for me to take him down without my werewolf power.

SB:  For God’s sake stop this insanity.  You’re running for the most powerful office in the world.  If anyone heard you talking like this you’d be locked up in a nuthouse within an hour.  When I took this job I knew you were goofy but I didn’t think you were bat-shit crazy.  Look I should probably drop a dime on you myself but so help me I need this gig to work.  So come on, snap out of it and try to act sane.

DT:  Bannon, I can’t work with someone so stupid. You’re fired. Now send in Kellyanne so I can get going on this debate prep work.

SB: Goodbye and good riddance you psycho.

Scene 2: First Presidential Debate.

BBC Correspondent (BBCC): Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the BBC radio coverage of the 2016 First Presidential Debate between Democratic Party candidate, the esteemed former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Party candidate, the eccentric failed businessman and reality show personality Donald Trump. The candidates have met for a decidedly tepid handshake and now have taken their places at their podiums. Mrs Clinton is looking decidedly hale and hearty and not at all like the frail elderly person that the Trump campaign has presented her as. As you can now hear Mr. Trump is making some decidedly sophomoric opening remarks about mexican payment for masonry or some such rubbish. Now it is Mrs. Clinton’s turn and as you must hear her diction and elocution is masterful and might I even say delightful. Why it seems entirely possible that Mr. Trump may retreat immediately and vacate the stage in the face of such commanding eloquence. Mrs. Clinton has finished and the studio audience is standing and applauding quite spontaneously. It’s an amazing sight. I think I can be forgiven for saying that a second debate will be completely unnecessary. I feel I must go on the record to congratulate Madam President for this amazing victory. Well done, oh well done.

Trump looks dumbfounded he’s just looking at Hillary as if he expects more punishment from her. Mrs. Clinton is basking in the glow of her still cheering audience. Now she’s reaching for her glass of water for a well deserved beverage. The moderator has asked Trump his first question but the oafish challenger is so overwhelmed by the intellectual beating he’s just taken he hasn’t heard a word of it. He’s still staring at the First Lady as if she will further abuse him while drinking her water. Does he imagine her to be a ventriloquist?

Wait a minute something terrible has just occurred! An enormous flash of light and flames have erupted around the face of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Was the water in the glass actually some kind of incendiary material. A horrible shriek is going up. Oh the poor woman! The secret service is converging on her. They’ve encircled her. Oh help her, help her! She’s on the floor now. But wait the agents are scattering away. All but one. He is holding the First Lady. No she has him. Now he’s screaming. Something unbelievable is occurring. Mrs. Clinton seems to have increased in size and metamorphosed somehow. She is ripping out of the delightful powder blue pantsuit and is taking on a decidedly bat-like appearance. She seems to have exsanguinated the secret service gentleman and is approaching the moderator. This is taking a decidedly unexpected turn and it appears that the moderator feels that Mrs. Clinton has exceeded the already very generous bounds of allowable debating technique at this juncture.

But hold on, Mr. Trump is charging at Mrs. Clinton and appears to have a large pointed wooden implement in his hand. Although this also seems outside the bounds of allowable debating etiquette it appears the moderator is not going to object. Mrs. Clinton must have noticed his approach because she has pivoted away from the moderator and is facing Trump. But alas she is too late. He has implanted the wooden object into Mrs. Clinton’s thoracic region right up to the hilt. And he calls himself a gentleman! Shocking.

Mrs. Clinton has landed on her back and is thrashing about spasmodically. Mr. Trump is standing back. He’s saying something. I can’t make it out. I’m looking at the program feed that we provide for the deaf viewers and it has transcribed his words as “suck on that Bannon.” Well that strikes me as entirely cryptic.

Well Mrs. Clinton appears to have expired and is beginning to deflate down into a dessicated pile of detritus. Mr. Trump is returning to his podium and appears about to speak. Let’s move in for his comments.

DT: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight we have witnessed the ultimate proof of the greatness that is Trump. I have saved America from the undead and also higher taxes. Because of the short window of opportunity to select a new democratic candidate I have instructed the Democrats to leave Hillary’s name on the ballot. Let’s face it, anyone they picked at this point is probably also undead and I’ll just have to stake him too. Because of the shocking events of tonight and also because I myself am now a werewolf, I’ve decided to end my campaigning activities and will just wait for your acclamation in November. So go back to your lives and don’t worry about anything. Werewolf Trump has got your back. After my inauguration I’ll be using my special werewolf senses to root out injustice and corruption wherever it exists in the federal government. My summary judgement will be brutal but fair. Also I’ll be taping these events for my new reality series “Vigilante Werewolf President.” It will be hard-hitting but classy. Very little nudity. I predict it will last eight seasons or more. Trump out.