Trump vs. the Cabinet Picks

Donald Trump (DT):  Pence!  Where the hell have you gone now!  Will you get in here?  I need your so-called opinion.

Mike Pence (MP):  I’m right here Mr. Trump.  I was just on the phone with George Stephanopoulos.  He wanted to know if you were sorry for your history of hate speech against a metabolically challenged member of the LGBTQ community.

DT:  What?  Who the hell is he talking about?

MP:  I think he was talking about Rosie O’Donnell.

DT:  You can tell that muppet troll of a fake journalist that he can kiss my ass.  Now come on.  We have work to do.

MP:  How can I help?

DT:  I don’t like these picks we’re getting for the Cabinet.  These guys are all old and boring.  I mean Romney?  We need someone tough and smart.

MP:  Well, sir, what qualification would you rate as most important; confirmability, expertise, loyalty?

DT:   Balls.

MP:  Excuse me?

DT:  I want somebody who’s not afraid to tell the Press or Congress or the Europeans to pound sand when they start whining.

MP:  Mr. Trump, I don’t think you understand the art of compromise.

DT:  I don’t do compromise.  I fight.  I get what I want by knowing what the other guy will and won’t do.  That’s the kind of men I want working for me.

MP:  Could you give me some examples of this type of man?

DT:  Of course.  The history books are full of them.  Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Alexander the Great, Napoleon.  All my heroes.

MP:  Sir, those are brutal conquerors.  They hardly reflect the American spirit.

DT:  Fine.  How about George Washington, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, George E. Patton, Robert E. Lee?  They were Americans, weren’t they?

MP:  Yes, but those are wartime leaders.  We’re at peace.

DT:  Bull!  We’ve been at war in this country for over a hundred years with the communists.  I need men who know how to fight.

MP:  Nevertheless, I don’t think men of that caliber exist today.  Where could you find them?

DT:  Pence, did your mother ever give birth to any children that lived?  The military of course.  All those high-ranking officers that Obama fired for not kowtowing to the LGBTQ mafia.  They’ll be perfect.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant!  I’ll get right on it.

DT:   Ding, ding, ding.  Finally, you hear.  Hey, do me a favor.  See what you can do about returning the name to War Department.  I think that kind of rebranding will attract the right kind of recruit.

MP:  Yes, sir.

DT:  And find out if I can transfer the Corporation for Public Broadcasting into the Army.  I have this idea about having Big Bird court-martialed and hanged for treason.

MP:  Uhhh, okay?