The First Clinton/ Trump Debate
DR: Howdy ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the first Clinton/Trump debate. My name is Dan Rather and I’ve come out of forced retirement to do my very best to torpedo Donald Trump. We’re here in beautiful Newark, New Jersey to help the American people come to their senses and welcome Hillary Clinton as their next leader. You may remember a few weeks ago that Senator Sanders had a nervous breakdown during his debate with Mr. Trump. Of course no one could explain the presence of LSD in both Senator Sanders’ blood and Senator Clinton’s handbag but we’ve moved on to the task at hand. The Democratic Party reconvened their leadership and drafted Senator Clinton to take over for Sanders as their nominee. So let’s welcome the candidates and get this show on the road!
DR: Good evening Senator Clinton.
HC: Hello Dan… cough cough So good to see you back… cough cough cough cough cough
DR: Good evening Mr. Trump.
DT: You still alive Rather? That’s too bad. I thought I’d get to give Stephanopolis a wedgie tonight.
DR: If I didn’t need this gig to pay off my trailer mortgage I’d walk out right now.
DT: Hey I’ll write you a check and get you on your way.
DR: Moving on. The first question is for Mr. Trump. How can the American people trust you to take care of their fiscal problems if you have personally gone bankrupt four separate times?
DT: Rather, that just shows how ignorant you are about the realities of modern finance. In each case I used the law to re-align my businesses to thrive in the ultra-competitive environment of today’s economy. I’m sure you’re too stupid to understand this but to a real businessman this would be apparent.
HC: Businessperson, not businessman. cough cough cough cough cough
HC: I corrected your gender exclusive choice of words…cough cough. We’re in the 21st century. Deal with…cough cough cough cough cough…it!
DT: Are you serious? You’re gonna pull the woman card for that? Aren’t you afraid that if you waste it on every male pronoun and stereotype that it’ll be all used up when you really need it? Like when I call you a shreiking fat hag and tell you to shut the hell up.
HC: How dare… cough cough… you try to… cough cough cough… silence me… Cough cough cough… I’m a strong…cough cough cough cough… woman and I can… cough cough cough cough… put you in your… cough cough cough cough cough… place anytime.
DT: Yeah? Well the nineties called and they want your feminism back.
HC: Oh yeah,… cough cough… well the… cough cough cough… jerk store… cough cough cough… called… cough cough cough cough… and they’re out of… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough
DT: What the hell is wrong with you? Hey Rather, this old bag sounds like she’s dying of tuberculosis. Unless you can put her in a germ proof bubble I’m getting the hell out of this death trap.
HC: Run away… cough cough cough cough cough… you big… cough cough cough cough cough… coward… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough.
DT: That’s it. I’m outta here. Good luck Rather. Hope you make it. So long Consumptive Clinton.
DR: And that’s the rest of the story here in Newark tonight. I’m Dan Rather and this is not the evening news.