(Wide shot of Max Boot in his “REPAIR” blue overalls and hat.)
Max Boot (MB) – Hi, everyone out there in TV land, I’m Max Boot and you probably remember me from such zany adventures as Fallujah Redux, Green Zone Follies and Libya for the Win. We’ve had such good times over the years patrolling all the sandy areas of the middle east and bringing democracy and transgender rights to every corner of the Muslim world. Why, I just can’t imagine where the time has gone. But now I’m here on a much more serious subject. White supremacists and anti-war fanatics have struck at the most sacred symbol of our nation, Dick Cheney. Not directly of course. They wouldn’t dare come after the Deadeye Dick. He’d give them a face full of buckshot like he did that guy at the quail shoot. But the cowards have attacked his daughter, Liz, the delicate flower of our movement.
Because of this I’m here today to rally all of you to our cause. We are building a new party. I wanted to call it the Party of War but you know how these babies can be. “Oooh! War is scary,” the say. So, we’ve named it the “REPAIR” party which stands for “Stand Up Republic & The Republican Political Alliance for Integrity and Reform.” Wow, that’s a mouthful. And really the letters don’t line up to the acronym. War would be so much easier. Well, whatever.
So, we’re here to repair the Conservative movement. We will lead them back to the sanity of military transgenderism. That’s right. I’m here to say that once we’ve transgendered everyone in the US military we’ll be ready to clean up the world. Well, maybe not immediately. That surgery hurts like a bastard, I’ve been told. But shortly after we’ll be bringing our new rainbow brigade to a Red State near you where we’ll smoke those white supremacists out of their hiding places and fix their wagons.
But first we’ve got to win this war, I mean, campaign. We’ll be launching our own slate of candidates and telling the country about our platform. We’ll start with Liz Cheney. She’ll join our party and we’ll invade Wyoming with our campaign army and we won’t leave until victory is declared.
You might be asking yourselves, “Why is old Max Boot wearing a mechanic’s uniform. Well, that’s easy to explain. REPAIR is the acronym for our party and this uniform reminds you that I’m here to repair the United States. And whenever you see one of our commercials or go to our rallies, we’ll all be wearing the uniform. Of course, if you see Evan McMullin, his uniform will say Evan or Ev maybe. If Tom Ridge is there it’ll say Tom or Tommy maybe. If Anthony Scaramucci is there it’ll say Anthony or maybe Tony. He’s Italian you know and they shorten it that way you know. If Liz Cheney joins us, I mean when she joins us, we’ll give her the gender appropriate sizing version of the uniform. A little looser here and tighter there. Well, maybe not tighter anywhere. It’s hard to get enough exercise in Congress. Even Deadeye put on a pound or two. In fact, you know if Dick was wearing a wig, he’d look a lot like Liz. And there’s nothing wrong with that. One day he may wake up and say, “I’ve changed my mind. Call me Erica.” Boy that would be something. Really something.
Well, that’s neither here nor there. First things first. If you send us a check for a thousand dollars, we’ll send you a REPAIR ball cap in your very own size. If you send us ten thousand dollars, we’ll personalize the cap with your name on it (four letters or less). And if you send us one hundred thousand dollars, we’ll send you the entire uniform with your name on the pocket (no limit on letters!). So that’s the deal. Operators are standing by for your order. So, join the REPAIR crew and help us fix the mess we’re in.
Max Boot out!