Morning Shmoe

I read the following article this morning ( ).  It inspired the following parody.


Location: Morning Shmoe TV Studio

Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back.  It’s twenty minutes past the hour and I’ve got to say I’ve never been more pessimistic about the future of this country, this planet or this universe.  I believe, based on the universally applicable experience I gained by being a republican congressman twenty years ago, that the Trump administration is not only doomed but that putting Gorsuch on the Supreme Court will end life as we know it on planet earth and quite probably will cause the complete collapse of the universe into a singularity or as the unscientific people would say, a black hole.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Wow, Shmoe.  That sounds really bad.

MS – It is Lycra, it is.

LS – But Shmoe, can we say black hole?  Wouldn’t that be cultural appropriation or white privilege?

MS – No Lycra.  It’s science.  And science is settled.

LS – Well I hope all you Trump voters are satisfied.  You’ve ruined the universe.  And it was a really good universe too.  There were stars and planets and dolphins and Al Gore.

MS – That’s right Lycra.  There were many wonderful things.  But that’s all over now.  By my calculations, the whole universe will end on April 16th at 11:47 AM, Eastern Daylight Savings Time.  This final collapse will be triggered by the complete loss of credibility of the Trump Administration when everyone realizes that the Easter Bunny is a fraud and that the winner of the White House Easter Egg Hunt is fake news.

LS – Well I guess I better skip getting my hair and nails done for Easter.

MS – That’s right Lycra.  There’s no reason to do anything anymore.

LS – Thanks a lot Trump voters.  You all really stink.

MS – Yes they do Lycra, yes they do.  But I just want to throw out one small hope.  If all the Trump voters repent of their sins and demand that Trump be impeached and expelled from the White House and Hillary is allowed to ascend to the presidency and Gorsuch is replaced with a liberal and all the senators and congress persons are magically replaced with Bernie Sanders clones, then maybe, just maybe, the universe will be spared.

LS – Oh, that would be so great.  Hillary must be president.  And she’s got that great new hair-cut and those great new shoes that look so good with her white pants suit.  Oh Shmoe, make this happen.  Make the Trump voters do this.  Make them do it now.  Then I’ll know not to cancel my hair and nails appointment.  Make them do it now.

MS – I’m sorry Lycra.  But I can’t make them obey.  They are the selfish deplorables.  They hate everything good like Amtrak, tote-bags and polar bears.  They are monsters.

LS – Oh Shmoe, why is this happening?  Why aren’t the good people winning?  We’re so much smarter and prettier than these deplorables, except for Ivanka who is really very pretty and don’t you think that is wrong.  I mean, shouldn’t she be really ugly and fat and not have her own perfume?  Shouldn’t I have her perfume instead and also her daddy’s money too?

MS – Yes Lycra you should.  And that is how we know that there is no god.  If She existed She would give you all of Ivanka’s things and she would have to toil away on this stupid show instead.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are so wise.

MS – Yes Lycra, yes I am.

Morning Shmoe 2

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Tom Dulaney
4 years ago

The death of the universe is clearly the work of the Russians and their White House stooges.