Scene 1 – 30 B.C – The Roman Forum (Tuesday)
Emperor Augustus Trumpster (EAT) – Where is Philbertus Macadamius? Phil! Phil! Where in Hades are you?
Philbertus Macadamius (PM) – Right here Great Trumpster! All Hail divine Trumpster. Why, you bestride the whole world like a Colussus!
EAT – Yeah well stop looking up my toga when I do. Remember my hands are plenty big. Nothing to worry about there.
PM – Yes great Trumpster. And how may I be of service?
EAT – Listen Phil, I’m about to make a big speech before the senate and I need someone that I can trust to listen to my tweet, I mean speech.
PM – I would be honored Great Trumpster.
EAT – Sure, sure but listen I’m a little sword-shy after Mike-us Pence-tony, my right hand man, ran off with that Clintonpatra skank and tried to steal the whole eastern empire from me. That really pissed me off. So, I have to know that what I say will go no further than this portico. I have to know you’re loyal.
PM – Rest assured Great Trumpster, that I would never reveal your conversation or blab it to the Times New Roman, er I mean the New Roman Times.
EAT – Yeah, nothing to see here. Oh what the hell. If anything happens I can always feed you to the lions in the Colosseum (when someone gets around to building it that is). Anyway what do you think of this speech?
PM – (reading the scroll) Uh let’s see. Hmmm, zmmmm, hmmm, zmmm. Looks good to me. Cicero himself will rave.
EAT – Yeah except we cut off his head a few years back.
PM – Oh, that’s right. Good times, good times. Anyway, the speech is a peach. Lay it on them Mighty Trumpster.
Scene 2 – Same day, Roman Senate.
EAT – Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ears. No, I mean really. I’m having all your ears cut off for those rude remarks you made about the Empress Melania. She’s the best- looking babe this old burg has ever seen and you claim that Clintopatra is more regal? You’re just lucky I won and she wasn’t in charge. She’d have had you guys eunuched within the week and singing soprano in the Palatine Follies before the Ides of March. But relax, I had her boiled in oil and rendered into so much soap that it’ll last the empire for a decade. Unfortunately Slickus Willius escaped into the East. But it’s probably for the better. If that joker got talking he’d have stolen the togas right off your backs. Him and that “that depends on what the definition of id est.” What a crook.
So anyway, here’s the deal. I’m going to turn this republic into an empire. Now I know that’s bad, but you folks are already too corrupt to reform. On the upside the Pax Romana will give you about two hundred years of relative prosperity and peace. The downside is that by the time the Visigoths show up you’ll be a bunch of serfs too poor and dispirited to care about defending your homes.
But look at the bright side. The bread and circuses should last right up until Alaric and the Visigoths sack this place in 410 A.D. (whenever that is). So let’s party like it’s MCMXCIX!!!!
Senators – Toga, toga, toga.