Scene1: 10th of October 732 A.D. – Plains surrounding Tours, Gaul
Trump Martel (TM) – Where is my oaf? Oaf, oaf oaf!
Jeb Buisson (JEB!) – Here O Prince!
TM – Didn’t I tell you to polish my armor? I have a 4:30 appointment in Tours defeating Islamic extremists and I want to look my best.
JEB! – I’ve been working as fast as I can but I’m not finished yet.
TM – Oh never mind. You’re too low energy for that. Go and take a nap. That way no actual fighters will end up tripping over your gutted corpse.
JEB! – Thank you sire.
TM – Alright Michel Pencius, assemble my fans, I mean my troops, over there and I’ll address them from this big rock over here.
Michel Pencius (MP) – Yes my lord Trump.
TM – Gather round men. I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in. In a few hours about sixty thousand Islamic extremists are gonna come pouring over those hills and unless we put a whole world of hurt on them you are all gonna be eating shish kebab from now on. That’s right. No more croissants, no more white sauce and definitely no more wine. So definitely put on your big boy breeches and don’t stop until the fat lady sings. And by the way that fat lady is Hilarius Cintoninus. She is a hideous banshee that has lead the Arabs through the Pyrenees and promised them my head if they attacked Tours today.
Now maybe you’re thinking we can’t beat sixty thousand arabs. Maybe you think the odds are too high. Well just relax. The don’t call me Trump Martel, Trump the Hammer because of anatomical reasons, although if you notice my fingers are plenty big, nothing wrong in that department, everything very, very, good and big. They call me the hammer because I will hammer those buggers right into the ground. After this battle, we will be the most powerful force in Europe and we will go on to lay the foundations for the Holy Roman Trumpire which my grandson Trumplemagne will build. And when I say he will build it I’m not kidding. It will be one big beautiful and long-lasting Trumpire. But anyway, if you follow me into battle we will win and keep on winning. We’ll win so much you may get tired of winning. You may say, “Enough, it’s too much winning!”
And in conclusion, every man that follows me today will get ten royal arpents of land around Paris and a dozen sheep. Or if you prefer there is a special package of Trump cufflinks and steak knives available at Le Macy’s down at the mall. Follow me, men, into victory and glory. But don’t tailgate. I hate that.
Troops – Le Trump, Le Trump, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
TM – Yes, you love me. Of course, you do. How could you not? I am the greatest Frank of all time. Even greater than Sinatra, who was very great.