Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)
Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment
ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes. Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump. By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip. Let’s take a look.
(Cut to the recorded interview)
PT – Hello End-Lesley.
ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!
PT – Where the hell did that come from?
ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page. I mean good evening President Trump. Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!
PT – That’s better. Don’t want to confuse the audience. Who’s Mueller? Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles? No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?
ES – Uh, sure but hold up. You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.
PT – Okay fine. I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet. He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms. I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows? He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile. Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.
ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!
PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set. Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done. If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing. What else have you got?
ES – Fine! How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?
PT – First off, she’s not a doctor. She’s more like a yoga instructor. Secondly, she’s got too many names. Tell her to pick one. And third, you call that making fun? I was being nice! That woman is a fruit cake. She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue. Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room. I’d have mocked them right out of the building. You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.
ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.
PT – Really? That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts. So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper? Please don’t make me laugh. If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.
ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.
PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped? How about Juanita Broaddrick? And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted? How about Kathleen Willey?
ES – But that was a long time ago.
PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.
ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!
PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.
ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (runs off stage)
PT – Good night End-Lesley.
(Voice coming over the tape)
ES – How could you televise that? That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!