Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO); Bill Clinton – (BC); Hillary Clinton – (HC); President Trump – (PT);
Scene 1 – 8 pm, that same night in the Farmhouse; In the corner of the room, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Beto O’Rourke are sweating away, turning a giant crank on a generator. In the opposite corner A-oh-see, Cory Booker, Hillary Clinton and the Obamas are dancing rather spastically around a disco ball while a wavering light and an unevenly playing sound system produces some unconvincing techno sound. As the exhausted laborers slacken their effort, A-oh-see chastises them.
AOC – Hey white boys, pick up the pace. This is the part where I go, whoot, whoot. Don’t make me warn you again.
The generator crew redouble their efforts and the “whoot, whoot” is a big success. The dancers clap enthusiastically and the crankers collapse to the floor panting.
AOC – The dance is over and that’s all the electricity there is.
MO – That was good electricity A-oh-see, real good.
BO – That was the best electricity I ever seen. Much better than that power plant electricity.
NP – Oh, I don’t know, I remember back in the Obama administration we had lights all the time and copy machines and air conditioning.
HC – It’s real good that you said that Nancy but how could you mean it? Why, A-oh-see’s electricity is much better than that old electricity. That old electricity made global warming and killed baby polar bears.
BO – That’s right Nancy, A-oh-see’s electricity is real good. Much better.
MO – And now it’s time for Bill Clinton’s birthday presents. Everybody gather around.
Hillary hands Bill a bag full of fentanyl patches and a plain brown envelope.
HC – Happy birthday Bill. Many happy returns.
BC – (looking in the envelope) The Pia Zadora Playboy issue! This is a priceless object. He you don’t suppose I could open it up here?
Everyone goes quiet and looks shocked.
BC – Not the pictures just the articles.
BO – I don’t think you should Bill. We don’t know exactly where the articles end and the porn begins.
HC – That’s right Bill. Wait until we get home, where it’s safe. Here, try out the fentanyl patch.
BC – Mmmmmmmmm.
BO – Okay everybody, birthday presents over. Now we’ll hear a speech by Caitlyn Jenner on the false social construct inherent in the ovary.
While everyone sits in rapt fear of not cheering at the right places Bill Clinton wanders around in a fentanyl stupor. Suddenly he starts talking out loud to no one in particular.
BC – You know this is the last fentanyl stash left. And once it’s gone and Al Gore’s oxycontin bottle is empty there won’t be any joy left in the world. No more giggling, no more Ruffies.
Looking around and glaring at Bill AOC shouts.
AOC – Stop talking during the science lesson.
Bill smiles goofily and gives AOC a salute and she turns back to the lecture. Bill opens up his Playboy magazine and with the centerfold flapped open approaches Caitlyn Jenner.
BC – You know Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, I don’t think yours can compare to Pia’s what do you think?
AOC jumps to her feet and shouts at Bill Clinton.
AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and if you keep acting all patriarchal, I’m going to think bad things about you.
BC – That’s right A-oh-see you think bad things about me. You concentrate on me and maybe some real man in this room will sneak up behind you and slap a half dozen fentanyl patches between your shoulder blades and end this thing.
Nancy Pelosi picks up her speaker’s gavel off the table where it lies but then puts it back.
AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and you keep looking down my blouse.
AOC walks over to Bill Clinton and slaps four fentanyl patches on Bill’s face. Bill starts pulling one off, then smiles goofily and puts it back on. Then he falls face forward like a chopped tree.
BO – A-oh-see put him in the mulch pile please. Please.
She nods her head slightly and a group of Bernie Bros picked up Clinton and hustled him out of the room.
AOC – He was a bad white mand and I used his non-socialized medicine to destroy him. And you better not say anything bad about me Hillary or I’ll get you too.
HC – Oh, A-oh-see, I don’t feel bad about Bill. He got what was coming to him. No sweat. We all love you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite, that’s what you are.
NRS – So that’s our story, no commentary just an introduction to one of the very special members of the Bizarro Zone.
Suddenly President Trump busts in from in front of the narrator and we realize that the whole scene is taking place in a sound stage.
PT – Alright that’s enough. Officers, arrest these idiots and we’ll straighten everything out at the jail.
AOC – You’re not real. I destroyed you along with the rest of the world a year ago.
PT – Look, you, fruitcake. When you losers were swept out of power in 2020, I didn’t balk when MTV sponsored a reality show to let your deluded followers imagine what it would be like without the normal people but when Bill Clinton ends up as an OD victim at Bethesda that’s where I pull the plug on this thing. We’ll transition most of you into a hospital for the criminally insane but for now we’ll set you up at Guantanamo Bay until you become less dangerous. Okay boys drag them out.