Tag: Trump vs

Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 2)

photog Current Events, Humor, OCF, Reviews, Science Fiction / Fantasy, SF&F TV Show Reviews, Trump, TV Reviews, Twilight Zone , , , , , , , ,

Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 1)

 

Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO); Bill Clinton – (BC); Hillary Clinton – (HC); President Trump – (PT);

 

Scene 1 – 8 pm, that same night in the Farmhouse; In the corner of the room, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Beto O’Rourke are sweating away, turning a giant crank on a generator.  In the opposite corner A-oh-see, Cory Booker, Hillary Clinton and the Obamas are dancing rather spastically around a disco ball while a wavering light and an unevenly playing sound system produces some unconvincing techno sound.  As the exhausted laborers slacken their effort, A-oh-see chastises them.

AOC – Hey white boys, pick up the pace.  This is the part where I go, whoot, whoot.  Don’t make me warn you again.

The generator crew redouble their efforts and the “whoot, whoot” is a big success.  The dancers clap enthusiastically and the crankers collapse to the floor panting.

AOC – The dance is over and that’s all the electricity there is.

MO – That was good electricity A-oh-see, real good.

BO – That was the best electricity I ever seen.  Much better than that power plant electricity.

NP – Oh, I don’t know, I remember back in the Obama administration we had lights all the time and copy machines and air conditioning.

HC – It’s real good that you said that Nancy but how could you mean it?  Why, A-oh-see’s electricity is much better than that old electricity.  That old electricity made global warming and killed baby polar bears.

BO – That’s right Nancy, A-oh-see’s electricity is real good.  Much better.

MO – And now it’s time for Bill Clinton’s birthday presents.  Everybody gather around.

Hillary hands Bill a bag full of fentanyl patches and a plain brown envelope.

HC – Happy birthday Bill.  Many happy returns.

BC – (looking in the envelope) The Pia Zadora Playboy issue!  This is a priceless object.  He you don’t suppose I could open it up here?

Everyone goes quiet and looks shocked.

BC – Not the pictures just the articles.

BO – I don’t think you should Bill.  We don’t know exactly where the articles end and the porn begins.

HC – That’s right Bill.  Wait until we get home, where it’s safe.  Here, try out the fentanyl patch.

BC – Mmmmmmmmm.

BO – Okay everybody, birthday presents over.  Now we’ll hear a speech by Caitlyn Jenner on the false social construct inherent in the ovary.

While everyone sits in rapt fear of not cheering at the right places Bill Clinton wanders around in a fentanyl stupor.  Suddenly he starts talking out loud to no one in particular.

BC – You know this is the last fentanyl stash left.  And once it’s gone and Al Gore’s oxycontin bottle is empty there won’t be any joy left in the world.  No more giggling, no more Ruffies.

Looking around and glaring at Bill AOC shouts.

AOC – Stop talking during the science lesson.

Bill smiles goofily and gives AOC a salute and she turns back to the lecture.  Bill opens up his Playboy magazine and with the centerfold flapped open approaches Caitlyn Jenner.

BC – You know Bruce, I mean Caitlyn, I don’t think yours can compare to Pia’s what do you think?

AOC jumps to her feet and shouts at Bill Clinton.

AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and if you keep acting all patriarchal, I’m going to think bad things about you.

BC – That’s right A-oh-see you think bad things about me.  You concentrate on me and maybe some real man in this room will sneak up behind you and slap a half dozen fentanyl patches between your shoulder blades and end this thing.

Nancy Pelosi picks up her speaker’s gavel off the table where it lies but then puts it back.

AOC – You’re a bad white man, a very bad white man and you keep looking down my blouse.

AOC walks over to Bill Clinton and slaps four fentanyl patches on Bill’s face.  Bill starts pulling one off, then smiles goofily and puts it back on.  Then he falls face forward like a chopped tree.

BO – A-oh-see put him in the mulch pile please.  Please.

She nods her head slightly and a group of Bernie Bros picked up Clinton and hustled him out of the room.

AOC – He was a bad white mand and I used his non-socialized medicine to destroy him.  And you better not say anything bad about me Hillary or I’ll get you too.

HC – Oh, A-oh-see, I don’t feel bad about Bill.  He got what was coming to him.  No sweat.  We all love you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite, that’s what you are.

 

NRS – So that’s our story, no commentary just an introduction to one of the very special members of the Bizarro Zone.

Suddenly President Trump busts in from in front of the narrator and we realize that the whole scene is taking place in a sound stage.

PT – Alright that’s enough.  Officers, arrest these idiots and we’ll straighten everything out at the jail.

AOC – You’re not real.  I destroyed you along with the rest of the world a year ago.

PT – Look, you, fruitcake.  When you losers were swept out of power in 2020, I didn’t balk when MTV sponsored a reality show to let your deluded followers imagine what it would be like without the normal people but when Bill Clinton ends up as an OD victim at Bethesda that’s where I pull the plug on this thing.  We’ll transition most of you into a hospital for the criminally insane but for now we’ll set you up at Guantanamo Bay until you become less dangerous.  Okay boys drag them out.

Trump vs It’s a Good Life (Part 1)

photog Current Events, Humor, OCF, Reviews, Science Fiction / Fantasy, SF&F TV Show Reviews, Trump, TV Reviews, Twilight Zone , , , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Nancy Pelosi (NP); Al Gore – (AG); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO);

 

Scene 1- Unknown Office building; 8 pm Mid-July

A narrator, who looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Rod Serling circa 1961, is standing in front of a map of the United States

NRS – Tonight’s cautionary tale is most unusual and requires that we imagine the following.  Here behind me is a map of the United States.  But what if suddenly it disappeared (whole map goes dark except one point of light) and all that was left was a tiny dot called Washington D.C.?  Now imagine that within this tiny world there was no longer radio, television, the internet, telephones, gas engines or even electricity.  And assume that the only thing that farmers were allowed to grow was vegetables.  No beef, pork, chicken or fish.  And finally imagine that even wishing for any of these things was now a death sentence executed by a monster.  If you can imagine all that you’ve just entered the Bizarro Zone (well I couldn’t use the real name).

Scene 2 – A ramshackle farm building with peeling paint and a wooden porch with a porch swing with an old haggard woman fanning herself with a piece of paper.

NRS – And here is the lair of the monster, a farmhouse with all the misery of pre-industrial life on display.  Over there in the swing on the porch is Aunt Nancy Pelosi, she once had the most influence over the monster but one time she hinted that maybe eliminating all private jets wouldn’t be a “good thing” and she was reduced to the cracked-brain non-gavel wielding hag you see before you.

NP – Hey not so much of the hag thing.  I just got another facelift and I’m a damn good-looking babe, you male chauvinist pig.

NRS – As I was saying, the monster does not like to be contradicted.  Oh, and I’ve forgotten to introduce the monster.  She’s a bug-eyed petulant millennial Latina from the Bronx who can’t even spell climatology but don’t be fooled.  There’s a nasty mean streak behind that googly eyed expression and what passes for a brain is completely in charge of her surroundings.  Meet Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or as she’s known to her fawning minions A-oh-see. (swift view change to show AOC trying to get something unstuck from between her horse teeth with her pinky nail, then noticing the camera and glaring in a cross-eyed scowl.

Scene 3 – Same farmhouse from the viewpoint facing the road.  An overweight man (Al Gore) on a delivery bicycle is straining along the driveway to the house.  On the ground in front of the house A-oh-see is playing in the dust.  He pulls up in front of her.

AG – Hi, there A-oh-see.  My it’s good to see you today.  Whatcha doing there?  Whatever it is it’s sure good, but I was just wondering what you were doing there.

AOC – I was figuring out how many white men it takes to pull a wagon for ten women of color in the next Cinco de Mayo parade.

AG – Oh, that’s a real good thing.  Why I never knew so much good figuring going on as you sure can do.

AOC – Yeah, go away now, you’re starting to make me mad.

(Gore quickly scurries away toward the house.  He carries some boxes into the kitchen and addresses Michelle Obama who is shucking corn in the sink)

AG – Hello Mrs. Obama, it’s certainly a good day today and we all just love A-oh-see so much, that’s right, she was out there figuring and figuring and it was just great.

MO – Hello Al.  Yeah, it’s certainly a great day all right and we’re real happy here, we are.

AG – I brought you some things for the party tonight.  I’ve got corn flour and whole wheat flour and baking soda.

MO – Have you got any white flour for the cake?

AG – Oh, we don’t have any more of that.  Not since A-oh-see explained to us just how evil white is.  No, we don’t want none of that, we don’t.  I mean we used to think it was useful but it’s real good that A-oh-see set us straight on that.  Well not straight, we don’t say straight no more we don’t, no sir, I mean no ma’am, Ma’am.

MO – Yeah, it’s funny how you forget how things used to be when you could just say something without being afraid.

AG – Oh, it’s good that you said that but I don’t think you mean it because it’s much better now that we don’t say anything that A-oh-see says is bad.  It’s real, good.

MO – That’s right, it’s real, good.  But last week when she was denouncing honey because it was stolen from bees, she got so excited from screaming that her eyes were extra bulged out and I thought maybe her blood pressure might be reaching maybe five hundred or something, mumble, mumble, mumble…

(Al Gore looking panicky and grabbing his box and heading for the door)

AG – I better be getting on, but can you let A-oh-see know that I got her corn flour that she likes so much?  Can you tell her it was me who got it specially for her?

MO – I sure will Al.  But don’t worry she hates you much less than most other white men.

Scene 4 – Same farmhouse, upstairs where Barack Obama is putting on his tie for the party.  He looks in the mirror and sees A-oh-see staring at him in her friendliest cross-eyed frown.

BO – Oh, hi there, A-oh-see.  It’s good that you were standing behind so quiet like.

AOC – None of the other congress persons came to play with me today.  I wanted congress persons to play with today.

BO – Yes, it’s good that you wanted them to come but last time you denounced Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Congressional Black Caucus as a Zionist collaborator and they shaved her head and painted it red.  Folks were awful upset about that.

AOC – But I want to play with other congress persons.

BO – Tell you what, we’ll invite some of the rinos.  They’ll be so grateful just for being asked that they’ll come even if you do denounce them.  they’re used to it anyway.  Anyway, A-oh-see everybody loves you.  You’re everybody’s favorite.

AOC – But I remember one time that somebody thought bad things about me.  I can’t remember who it was.  Who was that?

BO – Oh, that was Joe Crowley, after you beat him in the primary.  He said you weren’t qualified.  But don’t worry, Michelle had the FBI and the IRS defenestrate him so he won’t bother you anymore.

AOC – That’s right Joe Crowley, he was a bad white man, a very bad white man.  I hate anybody who doesn’t do what I want.

BO – But everybody loves you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite.  Now come on, let’s get ready for the party.

 

To be continued …

Trump vs the Shutdown Address

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Announcer (who sounds amazingly like the late Don Pardo):   We interrupt your usual sad programming to bring you an important message from the President of the United States.

President Trump:  Good evening my fellow Americans and also, you tens of millions of criminal aliens living among us.  I’m here tonight to discuss something very important so put down your bong or your cannabis vape or whatever other brain killing device you prefer and listen and try to understand the words coming out of my mouth, you losers.

The Congress is refusing to fund the wall so I have no choice but to take care of the job myself.  I have personally put in a bid on ebay for the Great Wall of China, which by the way isn’t all that great and my bid of forty million dollars was accepted so within the month hundreds of thousands of communist Chinese workers will shift from making Apple smart phones to building the wall on our southern border.  You may ask how I can afford to get the wall for forty million when I told Congress I needed five billion dollars.  Well it’s simple.  All the tariffs I’ve enacted and all the competitive manufacturing happening in America has put a dent in the Chinese Dragon and the Little Red Book really is in the red now so they’ll work for peanuts or even fortune cookies so to speak.  Interestingly enough the wall is much longer than our southern border so I’ll use the rest of the bricks to put walls around the sanctuary cities and starve out the inhabitants and deport the illegals as they exit.

And finally, I had ICE look into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and what do you know?  Nobody can find a birth certificate on little miss big mouth.  So, I deported her to Mexico today and as soon as someone can prove she’s a citizen we’ll let her back in.  But that’ll probably get me at least a few days of quiet.  In the coming months I have several other projects that I will either self-fund or crowd fund depending on the circumstance.  But either way I think keeping the government shut down is the way to go.  I’ll be laying off most of the useless departments like Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development.  I figure in about eleven months the Democrats will be willing to talk turkey just about in time for Thanksgiving.  Well anyway, I’m done talking so you can resume watching your brain rot and sucking down your daily dose of poison.  Try to do something useful today you hopeless degenerates.

Trump out.

Trump vs the Acostafication of Press Corps Nation

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);  Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA);   Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG);  Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ);  Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV);  Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)

 

White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm

(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)

 

PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules.  I will now walk you through them.

First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone.  This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question.  Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit.  It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it.  Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice.  Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder.  Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit.  After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.

Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.

(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)

PT – Okay let’s see who’s first.  How about you Major?

MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.

PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name.  What’s your question?

MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?

PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist.  You next Hallie.

MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!

PT – Major you weren’t next.  Bet that stings though.  Hallie, you’re next.

HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.

PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?

CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?

PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid.  Al Drago, any question?

AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures?  Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?

PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order.  First, hah!  Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua.  You have a question Jim?

JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.

PT – That’s not a question.  Major you’re next.

JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.

MG – Can I give my question to Jim.

PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.

HJ – Still no question sir.

PT – Cecilia?

CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?

PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game.  And that brings us back to you Jim.  Care to take another crack at it?  But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.

(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)

JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?

PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim.  You’re such a good boy!  Catch the treat!

Trump vs the Sixty Minutes Sitdown

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , ,

Dramatis Personae: End-Lesley Scold – (ES); President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1 – Television showing Sixty Minutes segment

ES – Hello I’m End-Lesley Scold and this is Sixty Minutes.  Tonight, we’re televising my interview with President Trump.  By the end you’ll agree that I won and he was unmasked as an immature, petulant man with the manners of a wolverine and without the intelligence God gave a turnip.  Let’s take a look.

(Cut to the recorded interview)

PT – Hello End-Lesley.

ES – Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – Where the hell did that come from?

ES – Oh, the teleprompter skipped to the wrong page.  I mean good evening President Trump.  Pledge right not that you won’t fire Robert Mueller!

PT – That’s better.  Don’t want to confuse the audience.  Who’s Mueller?  Is he the guy who makes the egg noodles?  No, seriously aren’t we going to fence around for a while about how evil Kim Jong Un is and how I made fun of “Dr.” Whatsername?

ES – Uh, sure but hold up.  You’re messing up the order and my teleprompter says Mueller still.

PT – Okay fine.  I’m currently not ready to fire Mueller yet.  He provides all kinds of ammunition that we’re using for the midterms.  I’ll probably fire him November seventh but who knows?  He’s kind of funny with that G-Man haircut and profile.  Maybe I can get him a part in the remake of the Untouchables, so stay tuned and ask me again in a few weeks.

ES – No, pledge right now, pledge, pledge!

PT – The only pledge we should be talking about is the Pledge you should be using to dust off the worm-eaten furniture on this set.  Look End-Lesley, we only have like half an hour to get this done.  If you can’t move onto something interesting I’m gonna leave and go golfing.  What else have you got?

ES – Fine!  How about when you made fun of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford?

PT – First off, she’s not a doctor.  She’s more like a yoga instructor.  Secondly, she’s got too many names.  Tell her to pick one.  And third, you call that making fun?  I was being nice!  That woman is a fruit cake.  She’s lucky no one dropped a net over her and dragged her off to Bellevue.  Look, when those Keystone Cops in the Senate put on that freak show you’re just lucky I wasn’t in the room.  I’d have mocked them right out of the building.  You realize that even nine years after his death there are still DNA remains from Ted Kennedy’s Senate Assistant “interviews” right there on the Senate floor and come to think of it probably on the Senate walls and maybe even the Senate ceiling.

ES – That’s entirely inappropriate to say about the Lion of the Senate.

PT – Really?  That’s a man whose nephew was tried for raping a woman on a boat while Teddy was wandering around in his boxer shorts.  So, Teddy’s the Lion of the Senate and poor nerdy Brett Kavanaugh is Jack the Flippin’ Ripper?  Please don’t make me laugh.  If you’re looking for a rapist just call up Hillary and ask her where Bill is shacked up this week.

ES – None of that has ever been proven inconclusively in a court of law.

PT – Well you say you must believe a woman who says she’s been raped?  How about Juanita Broaddrick?  And you say you must believe a woman who says she was sexually assaulted?  How about Kathleen Willey?

ES – But that was a long time ago.

PT – The fruit cake doctor is talking about almost forty years ago.

ES – But, but … Roe v Wade!

PT – End-Lesley you’re getting off point.

ES – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  (runs off stage)

PT – Good night End-Lesley.

(Voice coming over the tape)

ES – How could you televise that?  That wasn’t the spliced tape that was the discard.   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Trump vs the Ozymandias Bias

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae:    President Trump – (PT);  Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing,  Oval Office;  8 am,  Monday Morning;

(President Trump is seated at his desk and calls out through the open door)

PT – Mike … Mike …… Mike ………….  PEEEEEEEEENCE!!!!!!

(Vice President Pence enters through the door)

VPP – Right here as always Mr. President.

PT – Mike, good work on that Senate vote thing.  You kept your cool with all those blue-haired psycho broads screaming for your blood and got the thing done.  Although I think I would have thrown a couple of zingers up to the peanut gallery that would have been better than repeating, “will the sergeant at arms please restore order to the gallery” a hundred times.

VPP – Thank you Mr. President but I must admit that all the credit must go to you for showing such firmness in the face of an almost maniacal determination against you.

PT – I have to agree with you Mike.  It is all because of me and that’s why I called you.

VPP – (mumbling under his breath) Oh, no.

PT – Mike, we can’t let this great victory go uncelebrated.  We must provide a memorial to it.

VPP – Well sir, that hardly seems …

PT – I was considering adding my face to Mount Rushmore but honestly it doesn’t seem fair to me.  I mean, come on!  Sure, Washington and Lincoln won wars but Jefferson and Roosevelt?  All they did was write stuff, well except for that canal and we did give it away so big deal!

VPP – Oh sir, this is such a bad…

PT – Mike, you’re so right.  Mount Rushmore is such a bad location for a monument.  I mean who goes to North Dakota?

VPP – South Dakota.

PT – You see?  Nobody even knows where it is.

VPP – What I meant was…

PT – Exactly.  The American people deserve better.  As a tribute to the intelligence of the American people electing me president I am signing an executive order authorizing the collection of gold for the hair on my monument.

VPP – Gold?

PT – Yes, gold for the hair will make it more visible and also act as caulking to prevent erosion of the head.

VPP – How big is this going to be?

PT – None of this is written in stone yet.

VPP – Joke?

PT – Not funny.  Anyway, the way I envision this is the top thousand feet of Pike’s Peak can be reworked so that it’s shaped like a much larger version of the Washington Monument.  And on top of that will be my head with the hair made out of 24 carat gold.  Can you just see it?

VPP – I’m imagining some kind of gargantuan pez dispenser that can be seen across all of North America.  Your hair will blind jet airline pilots for a thousand miles in all directions.

PT – Well that’s what the Tac Visor is for isn’t it?

VPP – Mr. President, have you ever heard of Ozymandias?

PT – Never was a big fan of Heavy Metal.

VPP – Ah, well.  Mr. President, even though we are all very appreciative of what you did with the Kavanaugh appointment it may still be premature for you to self-declare the need for a memorial to yourself quite so gargantuan.

PT – Why?

VPP – Well, if for no other reason, because there hasn’t been enough gold mined on the whole planet to cover a monument that big.  Especially if it has to accurately scale up your own, ahhh, generous hair style.

PT – Ah hah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  I have consulted with Elon Musk.  And in exchange for calling off the SEC from hounding him, he will locate and transport a giant gold asteroid right to Pike’s Peak to be used conveniently for my hair.  So as you can see it’s all coming together.

VPP – You’re right.  What was I thinking?  How could this not be a good idea?  Anything else sir?

PT – Well, as I said earlier, I think you did a great job on the Senate vote thing and I was wondering if you wanted your head to be put somewhere too.

VPP – No, thank you sir.  My head is going to need to be examined pretty soon and I don’t think I could bear to have it staring back at me from a mountain any time soon.  Besides, I’m starting to think my head is stuck somewhere it won’t be seen.

PT – Suit yourself.

Trying to Write Satire in the Age of the Resistance

photog Current Events, Humor, OCF, Trump , , , , , , ,

Any of the regular readers know that I dabble in ridiculous satire with a cartoon version of President Trump and absurd versions of all our favorite Washington villains.  Ove the last couple of years I’ve had newly elected President Trump become a werewolf and devour the State Department just to help drain the Swamp.  I’ve indulged in time travel, personality transfer technology and the President and the First Lady opening up a dating service to help Millennials avoid dying childless.  Nothing was beyond the pale.

But how can I compete with the Resistance?  A senior Senator from the great State of California introduced a woman who accused Brett Kavanaugh of complicity in multiple occurrences of gang rape at a college fraternity.  How can I compete with that?  I mean, after the first “incident” would there be a rationale for returning?  Was it just to make sure she wasn’t mistaken with respect to the nature of the proceedings?

The only way I can think of to keep up with real life is have one of the Resistance testify before the Senate to having been abducted onto a flying saucer at the hands of Space Alien Brett Kavanaugh.  That might work!  But I will have to work on the details.  Is Alien Brett a humanoid alien indistinguishable from earthlings?  Or is he one of the Star Trek, The Next Generation aliens that have some kind of wrinkles on their brow that saves enormous amounts of money on expensive latex costumes?  Or is he a really disgusting worm or squid or something and only looks human when he wants to like from Men in Black?  These are tough questions to decide on.  I guess from the point of view of the Resistance, there is no more horrible monster than a normal white man so if he’s that kind of alien it would sure make the conviction easy.  If he’s got the brow wrinkles he still looks mostly like a white man but it might earn him enough diversity points to confuse the shrieking harpies.  And if he’s a squid then the tree huggers will probably declare him an endangered species and declare him king of the world.  Decisions, decisions.

Well, anyway, you see my predicament.  Life has completely swamped out parody and satire.  There are literally no limits to the tactics these people will stoop to.  They will destroy anyone and everyone who stands in the way of their agenda.  I’ve maintained that the Alt-Right, Dissident Right or whatever else people call it is wrong to think that we can’t get back to normal.  They claim that the country is broken and all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men are out of luck.  I’ve somewhat waveringly hoped that the Trumpocalypse will right the ship and we can cobble together a new coalition of the less crazy that can eliminate the toxic excesses of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society and try to rebuild on the ruins of the old society that really was great.  But it gets harder and harder to believe that the idiots on the establishment right are capable of withstanding the beating they will take if they try to resist the Resistance.  I mean it was sort of entertaining to hear Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell make noises like un-neutered men.  It was novel and it made me feel almost sympathetic for their plight.  Almost.  But they’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if they want to win.  Meanwhile let me get that copy of Galaxy Quest off the shelf.  I’m going with squid.

Trump vs Kim Jung Un and the Bad Example

photog Current Events, Humor, OCF, Trump , , , , , , , , , ,

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

 

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

 

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT); James (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office; President Trump sitting at his desk with the office phone on his ear.  Vice President Pence is just entering through the door.

VPP – Mr President?

PT – (speaking into the phone) Sorry, let me call you back, somebody is interrupting.  (hangs up) Mike, what?

VPP – Sorry to interrupt Mr. President, but you haven’t screamed my name looking for me since before you left on your trip.  I was wondering if anything was wrong.

PT – You know Pence, it’s not always all about you, you know.  Maybe sometimes I call other people up when I need something.  That is possible isn’t it?

VPP – Well, sure, I guess.  But I have grown accustomed to your early morning summons, so you know, I was just kind of surprised by the quiet.

PT – Yeah, well, don’t worry I’ll make sure and let you know when I need you.  Now go ahead and get your first morning nap before you get cranky.

VPP – Alright Mr. President, goodbye. (as he goes to close the door on his way out he sees that President Trump is once again talking on the phone)

PT – Yeah, I got rid of him.  Honestly, I don’t know why I hired him but mistakes can be corrected.

Scene 2:  Outside the First Lady’s Office in the White House later that day.  In front of the door Vice President Pence and Secretary Mattis meet up.

JM – Hello Mike.

VPP – Hi Jim.  Were you called here too?

JM – Yeah, what’s it all about?

VPP – Well, the way things have been going around here only a fortune teller could know. (he knocks on the door)

MT – (calling through the door),  Come in Mike and Mad Dog. (they enter and close the door behind).

VPP – Hello Melania.  Good to see you again.

JM – Good afternoon First Lady.

MT – Hello Vice Mike and Mad Dog, please sit down.  The reason I have summoned you is because Schmoopey is acting very strange.

JM – And by “Schmoopey” ma’am you mean?

MT – Ah, forgive me.  Schmoopey is the pet name that Donald and I use for each other.  It is a Seinfeld reference, is it not?

JM – I wouldn’t know ma’am.  Jerry Seinfeld is some kind of hippie, I believe, so I’ve never seen him on the television.

VPP – Melania, could you be a little more specific about the President’s behavior.  Opinions may differ on very strange.

MT – He is obsessed with Kim.  That is all he thinks about all day.

VPP – Melania you must be wrong.  When Kim Kardashian came to the White House that was just a public relations event.  She means nothing to the President.

MT – No Vice Mike.  I mean that fat little psychopath Kim Jong Un.  They talk all day and night, laughing and joking.  And the more he talks to Kim the scarier he gets.

JM – Ma’am, what do they talk about?

MT – They talk about making their enemies disappear.  Someone must stop this.

VPP – Melania, I’m sure the President is just pretending to be Kim’s friend to get his cooperation.

MT – I do not think this is so.  Schmoopey has been very angry with the Fake News.  I think he is looking to get the revenge.

JM – Ma’am, what can we do?

MT – You must break the evil spell that holds him captive.

VPP – Melania, we’ll help the President.  Don’t fret.

MT – Thank you gentlemen.  Now I must get back to my memoirs.  Goodbye.

Scene 3:  That night; White House Teleconferencing Center, President Trump sitting in front of a teleprompter with Kim Jong Un’s image projected in front of him, Mattis and Pence entering from behind him.

PT – So did you really boil the entire Nork Press Corp in honey and feed them to bears?

KJU – You bet you I do!  And then I feed bears to sharks.  Very, very funny.

PT – Well, my short fat friend, you certainly have your own style.  But I’ll settle for results.  Did I tell you how I eliminated sixteen rinos without firing a shot?

KJU – Ouuuh, rhino horn good for the rub rub.

PT – Maybe, but these rinos had already had their horns and their genitals removed before the event.

VPP – Mr. President, may we have a word with you?

KJU – Donald, these dogs are interrupting us.  Have them fed to sharks!

PT – No Jung Un the sharks are already full, besides I still need these servants for a little longer.

KJU – I bored.  I go. (screen goes blank)

PT – Jim, Mike what do you want?

VPP – Mr. President, we’ve heard some disturbing reports about your behavior.

PT – Schmoopey ratted me out!

JM – Mr. President, that little psychopath Kim can’t be trusted.  You said so yourself last month.

VPP – That’s true Mr. President.  I remember you were afraid he’d try to poison you.

PT – Yes, but that was before we became friends.  Now he’s shown me how to deal with the Fake News, Crooked Hillary and the Deep State all at the same time.

JM – But we’re Americans, we’re the good guys we don’t murder other Americans just because of political differences.

PT – Are you telling me Hillary Clinton, Peter Strzok and Jim Acosta are loyal Americans.

JM – Hmmm, I get your point.

VPP – But Mr. President, that’s besides the point.  If you stoop to their level, they win.

PT – If you do blah, blah, blah they win?  Who do you think I am, W?  Mike, you and Mad Dog convene the Cabinet for a special meeting.  I want to get the whole team’s ideas on some of Jong Un’s “special techniques.”

VPP – Mr. President, why don’t we start with just the three of us?  I’m not sure Jeff Sessions would survive it.

PT – Yeah that may not be a problem for much longer.  Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks.  Sessions isn’t going to do anything about the mess in the DOJ or Mueller.  My friend Jong Un sent me plans for his built-in shark tank.  I have it installed under the floor in the White House basement and whenever I want a problem to go away I invite the “problem” for a heart to heart chat and a stroll around the basement and before you know it the problem is a just a greasy residue to be filtered out of the tank water.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s monstrous!

PT – Would that count for Joe Biden?

JM – Hold on Mike, maybe we should hear him out.

VPP – No!  Not even for Creepy Uncle Joe.  Look you are just allowing yourself to get swept up in the whole Caligula thing that Kim Jong Un has going on.  Remember how that worked out for Caligula himself.  Or Nero, or Hitler or any of those other psychos.

PT – Well Stalin did alright.

VPP – But this is America, it’s not the Soviet Union yet.  Look at it realistically.  If all your enemies start mysteriously disappearing, like they do around the Clintons then you’ll be treated the same way they are.  Everyone will fear and hate you.  You’ll never get re-elected and after you die your corpse will be desecrated.

JM – They might call you Crooked Donald.

PT – Never thought of that.  That would be bad for the Trump brand.  Alright, you’ve convinced me, no shark tank.  But I have to say, you guys are nowhere near as much fun as Jong Un.

VPP – And I have some more bad news for you.  You’re gonna have to break off your bromance with the short fat maniac.

PT – No way, he’s fun and he’s got a great head of hair.

VPP – Yes, way.  Melania is very upset with you and if you don’t straighten up she’ll bolt.

PT – Schmoopey?  I can’t have that.  Okay, you win, I’ll break up with Jong Un.  But you guys are gonna have to raise your game.  If I get too bored I’ll have to reconsider the shark tank.

JM – How about a pinochle game on Thursday nights?

VPP – Charades?

PT – (under his breath) Shark tank.

 

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

Beginning of story linked above

Dramatis Personae – Kasey – (KY); Stacey – (SY); Macey – (MY); TV Announcer – (TV); President Trump – (PT); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – Living room of Kasey, Stacey and Macey, three mid-thirty something career women living the dream in a one room apartment in Manhattan and “loving every minute of it.”  Tuesday night 8pm

(Kasey, Stacey and Macey are binge watching the whole run of the series “Girls”, all three speak with about the same extremely exaggerated “valley girl” rising pitch interrogative speech pattern.)

KY – Oh, this is that great episode with Allison Williams and her butt?

SY – Oh, that is the best episode?

MY – Oh, I love this episode?  Hey, where did it go?

(point of view changes to face the tv screen and suddenly a test pattern interrupts the brilliant and tasteful representation of post millennial Sodom and Gomorrah)

TV – We interrupt this amateur proctological exam for a special message from the President of the United States.

KY – Oh, that’s so unfair?

SY – So totally unfair?

MY – This sucks?  And not in a good way?

(the image of President Trump appears on the screen in front of a huge double heart pierced through by an arrow)

PT – My fellow Americans and more specifically fertile unmarried Americans.  I come to you tonight to address a serious problem that is a threat to the future of this great nation.  Namely, that you young idiots are too stupid and selfish to figure out how to get married and have children.  If you were allowed to fail to reproduce it has the potential to cripple the future work force and devastate the society we live in.  So as much as it pains me to actually interact with you losers, I your president, will step in and save you from your own imbecility.

So tonight, I am rolling out a new program.  I am calling it Momma Melania’s Match Making Service and along with the tax and education benefits, I will sweeten the deal for the first million couples by throwing in a free obstetrics and pediatric plan along with a free box of Trump genuine imitation Cuban cigars for the doting new fathers.

(now Melania Trump walks into the center stage wearing a form fitting blue outfit adorned with red double hearts)

MT – That’s right, you women will no longer have to work at your horribly boring jobs, live in your teeny tiny apartments eating your ramen noodles and talking to your cats.  Schmoopey, I mean Mr. President Trump will find you beautiful men with strong muscular arms and big shoulders and piles of gold.  They will give you children by the sexy loving and you will raise these children and watch tv.

PT – Uhhh, sure.  And you so called men out there.  Here’s your one and only chance to escape from your parents’ basements and actually grow up.  If you follow through on this deal and not only get married but manage to somehow produce offspring, I can guarantee that we will keep you employed and help you raise a family the way your fathers did it, with a living wage job and a stay at home mom for your kids.  Now understand, nobody’s gonna be rich and nobody’s gonna marry Snow White.  But let’s face it, you’re not exactly Prince Charming.  If you were, you wouldn’t still be in the basement.  But you are a generation that got the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama economic/cultural shaft.  You bore the full brunt of industry off-shoring and industrial strength feminism, you poor bastards.

MT – Oh Schmoopey don’t be so mean to them, they will make very wonderful husbands for these women.  So, ladies, throw away your birth control pills and burn your power skirt and buy a cookbook and an apron.  Instead of being that sad, confused Lena Dunham you can be like me a happy, humble stay at home mom.

PT – So that’s what humble costs a month.   …….     Well, anyway you people will have to work out the details yourselves.  I’ve assembled a crack team of forensic psychiatrists to separate out any actual serial killers from the run of the mill psychopathic Americans so although we can’t guarantee Donna Reed and Jimmy Stewart at least you’ll probably survive the courtship.  But this is a limited time deal so first come first served.  Call the number on your screen and join the real world, you losers.  Trump out.

(scene shifts back to the three girls watching tv in the living room)

KY – Oh, that Trump is such a jerk?  We love Lena Dunham?

SY – Oh, he is such a sexist?  Why would we want to have children, right Macey?

(Macey is reading the number off the tv and keying it in)

MY – Uh yeah, about that, I’ve been living here for ten years and if instead of living in this rat hole with the two of you, five cats and Lena Dunham, someone says I can have my own family then even if my new husband looks like Jo-Jo the Dog Faced Boy, I’m all in.

KY – Well, you will definitely be sorry?  Won’t she Stacey?

(Stacey has begun copying the number from Macey)

SY – Well, I don’t want to get stuck with the real losers after the good slackers are all taken.  Sorry Kasey.

KY – Hey, give me that number!  I don’t even like cats.

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Wednesday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, with Vice President Pence in a chair facing him)

VPP – So let me see if I understand this Mr. President, you want me to advocate for today’s feminist, godless, sex-obsessed women to forsake their materialistic and anti-traditionalist ways and embrace modesty, chastity before marriage, motherhood and deference to their husbands.

PT – Well sure, if you say it like that it sounds like a snooze.  But if we put the Mad Men to work on this we can make it sexy as hell and they’ll be breakin’ down the doors to sign on.  Remember, young people are idiots.  Think of the incredibly stupid things they buy into.  You can convince them that a guy in a dress is a woman and that Obama is smart.  So if you give them something that actually works and just convince them that it’s edgy and original you could stampede them to the altar in a mob.

VPP – Don’t you think it’s dangerous to manipulate people about something as serious and vital as marriage?

PT – Look, we’re not trying to scam anyone, it’s your job to get the sequence and the motivation all straight.  Make sure they wake up from the millennial malaise they’ve been immersed in and commit to something that gives meaning to their muddled existences.  It’s up to me to make the sales pitch compelling and hook them.

VPP – Well I sort of see what you mean sir, but there are other considerations that could make all this moot.  For instance, nowadays it takes two incomes to survive and where does that leave our happy couple who want to raise a family?

PT – Way ahead of you.  That’s part of the bait I’m putting on the hook.  I’m going to propose that the federal government will rig the tax structure to provide married couples that want a stay at home mom to raise their kids with a matching credit to match the husband’s salary.  And this credit will continue until the kids are eighteen or even twenty-two if they take a useful college or vocational program.

VPP – But that will cost trillions!

PT – Yep.  But we’ll be couple it with the end of welfare.  No more single women raising children on welfare.  Any man who fathers a child will pay for it and unless he’s in prison he’s going to live with his family.  And with the women staying home with the kids men will be in demand again in the job market.  Salaries will rise and eventually we won’t even need to tilt the tax code very much.

VPP – You’ve thought this through I can see but I must confess I can’t imagine how you’ll make old fashioned marriage sound good to millennials.

PT – Actually, I’m gonna let Ivanka and Melania do most of the work on recruiting these young idiots.  And all you really have to do is convince the girls.  The boys will follow them like moths to a flame.  I was thinking of something along the lines of Momma Melania’s Match Making Service.

VPP – Have you spoken to the First Lady about this idea?

PT – Not yet, but how could she refuse to save her country from childless collapse.  In fact I’ll call her now.  (gets up from the desk, walks to and opens the door and starts shouting into the corridor)  Schmoopey, Schmoopey.  Schmoopeyyyyy!!!!

MT – (entering from the hallway)  Schmoopey stop shouting.  The picture of the Obama fell off the wall.

PT – I need your help.  We must save American womanhood from barren, childless loneliness.

MT – Oh no you do not.  You are staying right here.  No more Stormy the pornos for you or I will make you very, very sorry and the Secret Service will be too, too late to save some of you.

PT – No, no Schmoopey, I need you to teach the young women of America how to be good wives and mothers.

MT – Oh, this I can do Schmoopey.  I am full of the mother stuff.  I will teach them about make-up and shopping and finding a good maid.  I will need to freshen up my wardrobe to do this right.  Maybe three million dollars?

VPP – Just like Martha Washington.

To Be Continued …

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 3