Tag: Trump vs

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 1

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae – President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Melania Trump – (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, 8am Monday

(President Trump seated behind the desk, shouting toward the open door)

PT – Mike   …   Mike   ….   MIIIIIIKE !!!!!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Pence, what the hell?  Am I in this alone?

VPP – (mumbles under his breath, “oh if only!”)  No sir, here I am front and center.

PT – Okay, whatever.  Look I need your expertise on a social policy idea I’m working on.

VPP – Certainly.  What can I do?

PT – So you’re from Idaho.

VPP – Indiana.

PT – As I said you’re from the sticks and you people follow the Bible like it was GQ.

VPP – Uh, where is this going?

PT – Well at the confirmation hearings for Brett there were some psycho chicks who were dressed up as Amish, or so I thought.  Turns out they were supposed to be characters in this mini-series called “A Handmaid’s Tale.”  So, I watched it and I gotta say I think they’ve got something there.  First off, it’s got that really cute gal from Chuck and that can’t be bad.  And they’ve got all the most annoying broads wrapped up in sacks and keeping their yaps shut.  I mean I think they’re onto something there!  Well anyway, I want to get some more information on this concept.

VPP – Mr. President, I haven’t been watching that show.

PT – I don’t mean the show.  I want to know how this works in real life.

VPP – but it isn’t real life.  It’s a work of fiction.

PT – Yes, but it’s based on your book, the Bible, right?

VPP – Mr. President, that show is a polemical work meant to slander people of Christian faith and portray us as unenlightened despotic tribalists.

PT – What are you saying, that you don’t wanna shut them up?  I mean come on!  Isn’t that what you guys are always talking about?  Don’t you wanna wear the pants in the family anymore?

VPP – Well, sure but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

PT – See, that’s your problem.  You know what you should do but you’re scared of what the broads will say.  You’ll never be boss, you’ll never be a leader if you can’t say what you mean.

VPP – Okay, so maybe you’re right about that, but you must see that the world portrayed in that show is a horribly unjust world where women are enslaved.

PT – Well as you say it’s rigged to look like that by your enemies.  But what if it’s brightened up?  You remember those old shows like “Father Knows Best” and “Leave it to Beaver.”  They kept the gals on a pretty short leash but no one was yelling Hitler at them back then.

VPP – Well that’s kind of true, but times have changed.

PT – Times may change but people don’t.  The things that made people happy back then still do.  It’s all how you sell it.

VPP – So you’re going to put on a sweater and smoke a pipe and tell America to do their homework and get to bed early?

PT – Of course not.  They know I’m not Ward Cleaver.  They think I’m Caligula.  But you actually are Ward Cleaver.  For Pete’s sake, you won’t even go in a room alone with a woman.  You’re the guy they think should be running the country.  We just have to figure out a way to defang the harpies so they don’t castrate you the first time you try to rein them in.

VPP – Well that hardly seems fair.

PT – Please, do you remember that time you tried to pass that defense of religion thing in Idaho?

VPP – Indiana!  Yes, I do. ……… You’re right.  What can we do?

PT – Relax.  By the time you’re President, you will have passed the many challenging tests in the Trump University course work on being the boss.  By the time I get through with you even Rosie O’Donnell will be afraid to mess with you.  And let me tell you that’s one tough pant-suited sumo wrestler.  But anyway, we’ve got to start putting together the plan for this Handmaid stuff.  I mean, we don’t want to do all that stuff about women not being allowed to read but we do want to start reminding them that raising kids is a hell of a lot more important and fun than being a blue-haired cat lady who crafts power point presentations that middle management sleeps through.  And that’s what I need your help with.  This is definitely one of those heartland things.  We need to find some people that still believe in this stuff and put together a marketing campaign about them to sell the rest of the country on getting back to basics.  You know, Ronny’s Morning in America thing.  We’ll use it to energize the mid-terms and get people thinking that the economic surge can be used to spark a social revival.

VPP – You know, that actually makes sense.

PT – Don’t be so shocked.  So anyway, get out that Bible and let’s see if we can flesh out this campaign.

VPP – Father forgive him he knows not what he says.

PT – Yeah, I do!

 

Trump vs the Handmaid’s Tale – Part 2

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

photog Current Events, Humor, OCF, Trump , , , , ,

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

Link above to first episode

 

 

Dramatis Personae: Melania Trump (MT); President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 8 am Monday; First Lady’s Office

(Seated across from each other at a small conference table are First Lady Melania Trump and Vice President Mike Pence)

MT – Help me President Vice Mike, you’re our only hope.

VPP – Of course First Lady, but please calm down.  It can’t be as bad as that.

MT – Oh, it is much, much, worse.  Schmoopey has grown bored with me.

VPP – Schmoopey?  Is that your dog?

MT – Schmoopey is my pet name for Donald.  You know, your boss.

VPP – Ah, yes that’s right, the name you call each other.

MT – Yes, and he hasn’t called me that in a week.  And at night he brings books to bed, books without pictures.  And he has a yellow highlighter.  And he has stopped tweeting.

VPP – Stopped tweeting?  You’re right.  This is serious.

MT – Help him Mike.  Help him to be Schmoopey again.

VPP – First Lady, you can depend on me.  The nation needs that indomitable spirit and free-tweeting, devil-may-care attitude to save us from the giant white pantsuit tyranny of Hillary Clinton.

MT – Yes Vice Mike, you are a great friend, even if you will not shut the door when we are alone.

VPP – Sorry, ah, force of habit.

Scene 2 – White House West Wing, Oval Office, same day  10 am

(President Trump at his desk, dictating a letter to his secretary, while Vice President Pence is seated in front of him.)

PT – Hold on a second Mike.  I just want to finish this thought.

(dictating) …  In conclusion, President Kim, I will agree to remove all American troops from Korea and provide the two trillion dollars in aid if you promise that afterward you will return the money and allow the return of our troops if after a year we are dissatisfied with your progress.  It will be as you called it, your version of the Amazon.com service guarantee.

Yours sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

VPP – Oh, Mr. President, we’ve got to talk.

PT – Mike, old friend, what seems to be the problem.

VPP – Mr. President, something’s wrong, you’re not yourself.

PT – Oh well, it’s that procedure I went through with Brett Kavanaugh.  When I decided to exchange temperaments with him I never realized how liberating it would be for me!  Why I feel so relaxed and sane.

VPP – But sir, the Democrats are hammering you in the press and without your patented Twitter counterattacks your message isn’t getting out and your poll numbers are sinking.

PT – Well, you know what they say, sticks and stones.  Wouldn’t it be better to win in the eyes of the best and brightest?  I mean for all we know they’re right.

VPP – But Mr. President, Mueller is sure to see this as a sign of weakness and he’ll subpoena you for sure.

PT – Well what of it.  I have nothing to hide and if I have committed any offenses shouldn’t they be exposed to the judicial light of day and adjudicated fairly and honestly?

VPP – Mueller?  Fair and honest? ………..   Hey listen, you numbskull, I didn’t sign on to be Ford to your Nixon.  We’re gonna reverse that brain drain and get you back to the evil reptilian genius that we all know and love.

PT – Well okay, but there’s no reason to shout.  Just let me get my sweater, it’s cold down in the bunker you know.

Scene 3 – Vice Presidential Residence, 3 pm same day

(Vice President Pence is sitting in the living room with Brett Kavanaugh)

VPP – Thanks for coming Justice Kavanaugh and congratulations on being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

BK – Oh, that.  Yeah, well, I changed my mind.  Being locked up with that Ginsberg mummy until she keels over doesn’t sound like a laugh riot anymore.

VPP – But what will you do?

BK – I’m considering Mixed Martial Arts.  But there’s also a combat role in Kurdistan that caught my eye so I don’t know yet.

VPP – Well, that sounds great.  But just to show there are no hard feelings the President and I want to invite you to a farewell party.  It’s at the White House tonight.

BK – Sounds like a snooze.

VPP – Well, Ronda Rousey’s gonna be there.

BK – Sold!

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, 11 pm, same day

(President Trump, Vice President Pence, three white lab-coated technicians, a platoon of marines and Defense Secretary James Mad Dog Mattis are inside the closed bunker door.  Loud techno dance music is blaring and a disco ball is spasmodically turning near the ceiling.)

VPP – Alright does everyone know their parts?

JM – It seems clear.  You answer the door and when he steps in my marines overpower him and tie him to the chair.  The technicians apply the electrodes and the transfer proceeds.

PT – But what do I do?

VPP – Oh go sit in the other chair and keep quiet.

PT – Fine, but you don’t have to be all mean about it. Geez.

VPP – Alright quiet, I see him coming in the camera.  Places!

(Pence opens the door and hands Kavanaugh a drink and ushers him in.)

VPP – Brett! Good to see you made it.

BK – Mike I can only stay a few minutes, can Ronda go for a ride in my Porsche?

VPP – Get him!

(With some difficulty, the marines overpower Kavanaugh but eventually he’s tied to the chair and outfitted with the electrodes.)

BK – Pence you rat!  I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I ever do.  I’ll shred you with my bare hands.  Your own dog won’t know you!

VPP – Hit the switch!

(The procedure ends and the two men are slumped in their chairs.)

JM – Did it work?

PT – Where am I?  Hey untie me you boobs.  I have a treaty with that little maniac Kim to renegotiate.  Two trillion dollars?  He’ll pay me two trillion dollars.

BK – Where am I, why am I dressed this way.  Oh boy, I said some things I shouldn’t have, didn’t I.

PT – Calm down Kavanaugh.  It all worked out fine.  Don’t get your judicial robe all in a knot.

VPP – Welcome back Mr. President.

PT – It’s good to be back Mike.  But, by the way, I remember everything you said.  Numbskull?  That’s gonna cost you Mike.

VPP – I meant Schmoopey?

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , ,

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae: Chuck Schumer (CS); Kamala Harris (KM); Richard Blumenthal (RB); Brett Kavanaugh (BK); Mitch McConnell (MM);

Scene 1: Capital Building, Senate Floor, Senate Confirmation Hearing for Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

MM – I’m going to open up questions to Justice Kavanaugh from the Minority Party now.  The approved agenda lists Senator Kamala Harris as the first senator.  Please proceed Senator Harris.

KM – Good morning Justice Kavanaugh.

BK – Good morning Senator Harris.

KM – Justice Kavanaugh, I’m going to be blunt and to the point.  I think your originalist pose concerning the Constitution is a sham.  I accuse you of lying to this body and harboring feelings of racial hatred, misogyny and homophobia.  I believe you are in league with this illegitimate President and your nomination is an act of treason that should be punishable by death.  Well what do you have to say to that?

BK – Oh, did you say something?  I’m sorry I was checking the box scores from the baseball games yesterday on my phone.

KM – How dare you disregard the questions of this august body.

BK – You mean there was a question in there?  I thought you were just letting off steam.  Look, I know you’re not very bright.  I figured if I just let you blather on for a while you’d eventually wander off and have sex with some power broker or other in the area.  Is Willy Brown still alive?  Have you moved on to the other Willy yet?

KM – That’s assault, that’s assault.  Someone, arrest him.

BK – No, it’s not assault.  Trust me I’ve written the book on it.

(Kamala Harris flees the room screeching and waving her arms over her head.)

BK – Bye Kam.  Next!

MM – Justice Kavanaugh, this is highly unorthodox!

BK – Sorry Senator, I lost ten bucks on one of those ballgames and it really rankled.  I’ll try to be nicer for the next chump, I mean Senator.

MM – Senator Blumenthal has the floor.

RB – How dare you Kavanaugh!  How dare you!  Senator Harris is a rising star of the Senate and the voice of a new generation in America.  I feel like coming over there and striking you across the face.

BK – Now hold on, Blumenthal, as is my right as an American I do adhere to the second amendment and practice concealed carry and now that you’ve threatened me, if you take one step toward me I’ll be forced to put two rounds through your center of mass.  And it is a .45, so think for a second.  I mean I’d hate to do it.  You already look dead so it would sort of be like shooting a stuffed animal.  I mean, sure it’s good target practice but kind of unfair.  And for the record are you one of the undead or some kind of animatronic manikin?   You look awful.  Why don’t you follow Kamala outside I hear you’ve got cash.

(Senator Blumenthal dodders out of the chamber and collapses at the chamber doors.  An EMT team trundles him out on a gurney.)

MM – Please Justice Kavanaugh, I’ve got to work with these people!

BK – Sucks being you.  But, hey I’ll be nice if they will.  Scout’s honor.

MM – Alright Senator Schumer you’re next on the list.

CS – Ahhh, well ahhh.

BK – Hi Chuck.

CS – No further questions.  I move we take it to a vote.

MM – Sold.  Alright Justice Kavanaugh, you are excused now.  And please, could you skip the State of the Union addresses for the next couple of years?  Some of us old folks have weak hearts.

BK – Believe me Mitch.  I could use the distance too.  You really should have this place steam cleaned or something.  It’s like a biohazard around here.  Well, bye!

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 3

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man.  Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 1

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT); Vice President Pence (VPP); Brett Kavanaugh (BK);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing; 5pm Monday; Oval Office

(President Trump seated behind his desk and Vice President Pence standing nervously in front of him)

PT – I tell you Mike, this Kavanaugh guy is a stiff.  Those democrat hyenas are howling around him just waiting for the kill.  He just sits there writing down all the gibberish they spout.  I’ve got to do something.

VPP – Mr. President, what can you possibly do?  I mean other than give him advice.  It’s not like you can go out there for him.

PT – Mike, that’s genius.  Get me the advanced weapons lab at MIT on the phone and tell that sad sack Kavanaugh to meet me in the White House basement tonight at 11 pm.  This is gonna be great.

VPP – I need a new job.

Scene 2 – White House Nuclear Survival Bunker, 11 pm that night.

(Judge Kavanaugh entering through blast door sees President Trump sitting in a chair with electrodes attached to his temples and wrists.  An empty chair is to his right and a technician is checking on the wires and reading an instrument panel.)

BK – Mr. President, you asked me to come.  But I’ve goyour blood pressure by t a very long week coming up.  Can this wait?

PT – Judge Kavanaugh, this can’t wait.  I’ve called you here to help you get through these hearings.  Brett, how would you say the hearings are going?

BK – Honestly, Mr. President, I’m extremely upset.  The senators are acting extremely unprofessionally and I might add unfairly.  I came very close today to gasping when Senator Blumenthal said you nominated me to help protect you from prosecution.

PT – Gasp?  Why didn’t you laugh in his face?

BK – That would be unseemly.  It would give them the moral high ground.

PT – Brett, look, you’re blowing it.  The sharks are circling.  They smell blood.  If you want to keep from being borked something has to be done and right away.

BK – But what?

PT – Fortunately science has found a way.  Do you remember those experiments they used to do where you could affect your blood pressure by watching a chart of it and trying to change it?  Biofeedback they called it.

BK – Sort of.  Why?

PT – Well these poindexters around us have a similar system where you can see the charts of your emotional output and mine superimposed and by watching it you can learn to copy my techniques.  By doing this you’ll master my art of zapping weasels.  It’s just that easy.

BK – It sounds insane!

PT – Please Brett, trust me.  It won’t take long and before you know it you’ll be so confident that you can even sleep late tomorrow and have these coyotes cowed by lunchtime.  You’ll probably be approved by Thursday.

BK – Well it would be a great relief to stop them from yelling at me so much.  What do I have to do?

PT – Just sit down in the other chair and let them attach the electrodes and restraints.

BK – Restraints?  Why restraints?

PT – That’s so you don’t move during the procedure.  It throws off the calibration.

BK – But why aren’t you restrained?

PT – Oh, I’ve done this so many times before I’m immune.

BK – Oh.  Okay.

(technicians apply the electrodes to Kavanaugh’s head and arms and then strap him tightly around the chest, arms and legs.)

PT – Okay, any last words?

BK – Whaaat?

PT – Just kidding.  Hit the switch!

( On the signal, sparks shoot from the electrodes and arc across the faces of the President and Judge.  Both are locked in grimaces from the current.  Several seconds later the current cuts off and the two men slump in their chairs)

To Be Continued.

 

Trump vs Kavanaugh, You Reminds Me of a Man. Hoodoo? You Do! – Part 2

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 3

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

(If you want to start from the beginning of the story see link below)

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); Senator Mitch McConnell (MM); Senator Chuck Schumer (CS); Hannibal Lecter (HL);

Scene 1 – White House, West Wing, Oval Office 8am Monday

President Trump seated behind his desk, Mitch McConnell standing nervously in front of him.

PT – Look Mitch, I don’t know what’s the big deal about this.  I need a new Attorney General and you have the votes.  Let’s get it over with.

MM – Mr. President, that’s absurd.  You’re nominating a psychopathic murderer who’s also a cannibal for Attorney General of the United States.  How do you call that no big deal?

PT – How does that differ from Janet Reno or Eric Holder?

MM – At the very least because they weren’t cannibals!

PT – That we know of you mean.  I mean it’s very hard to prove a negative you know.

MM – Mr. President, I’m not sure the American people will stand for this.

PT – I think this is exactly what the American people have been waiting for.  Jeff Sessions was weak and ineffective.  Hannibal will get results and hack away at the dead wood.  Now go out there and make us proud of you Mitch.  Good luck.

 

Scene 2 – US Capitol Building; Senate Floor – Monday 11am

MM – The chair recognizes the senior senator from the great state of New York, Charles Schumer.

CS – Mr. Chairman, fellow senators, what the hell!  Are we seriously going to debate consenting to the Department of Justice being run by a cannibal?  What’s next?  Will we have Health and Human Services run by a witch doctor?  I mean, come on!  I will not let these proceeding continue.  I’ll have the news networks crucify you all to kingdom come.

MM – Senator Schumer, will you take a question from the nominee?

CS – Sure I could use a laugh.  What would the cannibal like to know?

HL – Hello Chuck.  It’s good to see you in such robust good health.  But you seem to have put on a few pounds.  Careful, careful.  Marbling of the sirloin, uh, I mean hardening of the arteries can be tricky.  Anyway, I would like to know if you are aware that I have been given a full pardon? Now if I don’t get the Attorney General’s position I’ll be out of work.  In that case I’m considering restarting my private practice.  I was shown a nice office, loft, kitchen arrangement in Soho.  I hear you live there and I was wondering if you might have time to inspect it with me and give your opinion of the space.  You know since we’ll be neighbors and all.

CS – Mr. Chairman on reconsideration I don’t see why we can’t have this nomination voted on this morning.  Plus, I really have to be leaving.  I’ve suddenly realized that I need to move to another neighborhood right away.  Good bye. (flies down the chamber aisle at an impressive sprint).

MM – Well if there are no further questions I think I’ll let the nominee leave to allow us to vote.  Thank you Dr. Lecter.  And I’d just like to state for the record that I’ve lost seven pounds this month and have often been described as stringy and tough.

HL – Thank you Mr. Senator.  Duly noted.

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 4

 

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 2

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

 

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM); Hannibal Lecter (HL); Melania Trump (MT);

Scene 1 – White House West Wing – First Family living quarters – Monday 8am

MT – Schmoopey, Schmoopey!  Where are you my Schmoopey?

PT – I’m right here Schmoopey, what’s all the yelling?

MT – Oh Schmoopey, beware, beware!  Do not let Mad Dog feed you to Hudič.

PT – To who?

MT – No, not who, Hudič.  The Devil!

PT – Calm down Schmoopey, I know what I’m doing.

MT – But you don’t understand.  This devil likes to eat the flesh and you have a lot of flesh Schmoopey.

PT – Whaddya mean.  I’m in great shape.

MT – Uhhh … sure, sure.  But let’s not tempt the devil.  He might be extra hungry that day.

PT – Relax, Schmoopey, I’m completely in control of the situation.  It’s not me who should be worried.  It’s my enemies who should be staying away from the kitchen.  I’ve got to go now.  See you tonight.

MT – I will be praying to Saint Prebavne Motnje to intercede for you.  He is the patron saint of indigestion.

PT -Oh brother.

Scene 2 – The Joe Biden Asylum for the Criminally Insane in Lovecraft, Maryland – 11 am the same day

James Mattis and President Trump on one side of a bullet proof glass wall and Hannibal Lecter on the other side.

JM – Dr. Lecter, do you know why we are here.

HL – Of course gentlemen.  You want to contract my services for a clean-up operation.

JM – That’s correct.  We need someone with exceptional intuitive skills to perform a triage on the Justice Department.

HL – Secretary Mattis, President Trump, I have made it my life’s work to be able to peel back the skin, metaphorically speaking of course, and see the soul of the man.

JM – Sure, metaphorically speaking.

PT – Dr. Lecter, I need someone who can find my enemies and eliminate them, metaphorically speaking.  I need someone who can get the truth out of the FBI and get confessions from the conspirators.

HL – President Trump, there is nothing that would please me more than to get James Comey in my surgery, I mean office and help him to remember the details of his mistakes.  He’s a very big man, there’s so much there to work with.  So many options so many choices.  White, red, maybe a chianti.

PT – Now stay focused.  Everything needs to be legal and professional.  Remember we’re the good guys.

HL – Yes, of course, of course.  I was only speaking metaphorically.

JM – Of course.  Before you can take the position, we’ll need to pardon you for the indiscretions you were incarcerated for and then approved by the Senate.

HL – Yes, of course.  It’s awfully understanding of you to help me out with that.  I’ve had the devil of a time trying to convince the FBI that they had me confused with someone else.  As you know, they are very prone to error.

PT – I know exactly what you mean.  They can be extremely unfair.

HL – Yes.

JM – Dr Lecter, I think we understand each other.  Is there anything else we need to know going forward?

HL – Well, there is one more thing.  Is there any way I could get a set of those Trump steak knives?  I’ve heard good things.

PT – Uhhh ….. sure?

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 1

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , ,

Dramatis Personae – President Trump (PT); Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis (JM)

Scene 1 – Monday 8am White House West Wing – Oval Office – President Trump behind his desk in a private meeting with James Mattis

PT – Mad Dog, I need your help with a personnel problem.  I have to find a replacement for Jeff Sessions.  He’s scared of what he has to do to clean out the Justice Department.

JM – Mr. President, do you think I’m the right man to help you fill that job?

PT – You’ll have to be.  The new AG can’t be another political hack.  The man I’m looking for has to be a cross between Machiavelli and Attila the Hun.  In fact I wish I had the time to do the job myself but I’ve got a bunch of golf scheduled for the fall and winter months so I’ve got to delegate.

JM – Machiavelli and Attila the Hun?  That’s a tough one.  I’ll have to do some digging.  When are you looking for an answer?

PT – No rush, how about 10 am?

JM – Ayyy…sure.  Let me get going and I’ll be back at ten.

Scene 2 – 10 am same day, same location, same people

PT – Alright Mad Dog, what have you got?

JM – It’s a short list but the candidates are all highly qualified.  First up we have Colonel Joshua Stebbins.  He was an FOB commander in Iraq.  He lead his men into battle and on patrol for three years.  He was wounded severely three times but always returned to action and never failed to inspire his men by taking the point on all hazardous assignments.  So much so that when he was injured his unit typically risked life and limb to rescue him and get him to medical attention.  He was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for single-handedly saving a school full of Iraqi children by knocking over a suicide bomber and holding him down until his vest went off.  Luckily most of the shrapnel was absorbed by bomber’s torso and the ground.

PT – Sounds kind of sentimental.  Not tough enough.  Pass.  Who’s next?

JM – Wow!  Okay, the next one is definitely tougher but less disciplined.  Sergeant Russell Burdens was a Special Forces operator in Afghanistan for five years.  He was finally discharged due to court martial conviction for excessive brutality while interrogating high level Taliban personnel during his operations behind enemy lines in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  He always achieved his mission objectives but the details of his reports horrified even the most callous Special Forces personnel that he worked with.  The final nail in the coffin was the discovery of his ear collection.

PT – Sounds like a pretty good fit but I’m not a big fan of ear collections.  Very unsanitary.  Put him in the maybe pile.  What else have you got?

JM – Maybe pile.  Okay, I’ve got one more candidate.  He’s a highly unsavory character and mentally unstable to say the least.  Hannibal Lector.

PT – You mean the Silence of the Lambs guy?  But he’s a fictional character.

JM – I thought so too.  But it turns out he’s real.  Apparently Harris based the book on the actual Lector and toned the events down in order to make it more believable.  The real Lector is much more dangerous than the fictional character.

PT – More dangerous than The Silence of the Lambs guy.  Sounds about right.  When can we get him in for an interview?

JM – He’s currently in a Maryland  insane asylum.  He’s  in a strait jacket, muzzle, leg shackles and  on a thorazine drip just to make him safe enough to work around.

PT – Well that’s not very convenient.  Can we arrange a Skype?

JM – I’ll get right on it.

PT – Yeah, see if we can make it happen for noon.  I have a half round scheduled this afternoon with the Prime Minister of Japan and I don’t want to keep him waiting.

JM – ……, Yes, Mr. President.

 

Trump vs the New Attorney General – Part 2

Trump vs Twitter Ban

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT);   Melania Trump – (MT);    Vice President Pence – (VPP);    Mad Dog Mattis – (MDM);    Rachel Maddow – (RM);   Kim Jong Un – (KJU);   Russian President Vladimir Putin – (RVP);  Rosie O’Donnell – (ROD);  George Will – (GW);  Warning Announcer – (WA)

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; 8am Friday; First Family living quarters

PT – Schmoopey!  Schmoopey!  Schmoopey where are you?  I need your help more than ever before.

MT – I’m right here Schmoopey, do not despair.

PT – Schmoopey, this is a national emergency, Twitter has banned me.

MT – Schmoopey, is this indeed an emergency?  Twitter seems to me to be not an emergency.

PT – Of course it is.  Without my twitter feed how will I get out the truth?  The failed New York Times and fake news networks will lie unopposed and Americans will fall into panic.

MT – This is true.  How can I help you in the saving of the nation.

PT – I need an idea to force them to restore my Twitter account.

MT – But you are the great leader.  They must obey or you will crush them like ants under your giant feet.

PT – Sadly, that is not how it works.  Apparently, the US government is not allowed to assassinate US citizens except if a Democrat is President.

MT – Too bad.  That would be convenient.

PT – You’re telling me.

MT – Yes, I am telling you.

PT – (sighs heavily) … Anyway, I can’t do that so I need a good idea to fix this.

MT – You must speak to the very wise men of government. President Vice Mike and the Mad Dog.

PT – You’re right again Schmoopey, those guys have been sleeping on the job long enough.  I’ll put a fire under them and get something useful out of them for a change.  After all I can’t do everything all alone.  And I’ll get Putin and Kim Jong Un working on this too.

MT – Get them, get them.  Make them fix this.  Go Schmoopey, you are truly wonderful, Mr. Leader.

Scene 2; White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area; Same Day 6 pm.; President Trump, Vice President Pence and Defense Secretary (Mad Dog) Mattis are seated in virtual conference seats with life sized images of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un facing them.

PT – Okay, so that’s the problem.  I’ve been banned from Twitter and I have to get back on.  What are my options.

VPP – Mr. President, what seems appropriate is a strongly worded editorial in the major daily newspapers, the Times and the Post, declaring the unfairness of this decision by Twitter.

PT – Low energy, Pence.  Next.

KJU – Nerve gas attack on Twitter owner’s dog.  Get message across with small gesture.

PT – Interesting, but let’s hold the nerve gas in reserve right now.  There’s a whole treaty about that sort of thing plus PETA can be a bear to deal with when they get antsy.  Next.

RVP – The correct play is hack their servers and block all other feeds but yours for two weeks and then demand a billion dollars in cryptocurrency to restore their service.  Plus special forces should occupy the first three floors of their headquarters and annex it to the Russian Federation.

PT – Also interesting.  But none of that annexing jazz.  Americans are pretty attached to the territory.

RVP – Suit yourself.

PT – Next.

MDM – Mr. President, I think I’ve got an idea that should provide you with the short-term ability to get out your message and long-term will force Twitter to restore your account.  And my plan has the added advantage that it allows you to work within the confines of the US Constitution and all other applicable US laws.  Plus, no humans or dogs will be terminated.

KJU – You must really be mad dog if you so picky about nerve gassing them.  You big baby.

RVP – Why so boring Mad Dog?

PT – Kim Jong Un, Vladimir, thank you for your help.  If we need a backup plan I’ll be in touch.  (the images of Putin and Kim disappear but not before Kim flips Mattis the bird)  Alright Mad Dog you put together your team and Mike try to be helpful to the team.  You know, I can’t do everything myself!

Scene 3:  The following Monday evening;   The Set of the Rachel Maddow Show; Rachel Maddow is at her desk and facing a large television screen on which appear the various guests she interviews.

RM – Hello everyone, we’ve got our usual line up of inspiring progressive stories and tragic conservative stories but before anything else we need to jump onto the biggest story of the week.  Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter, permanently!  I’ve assembled a panel of brilliant and objective thought leaders to objectively explain to you why it’s perfectly reasonable for Twitter to decide that Trump is too racist and evil to be allowed to tweet.  My first guest is an esteemed former Republican and originator of the bow tie and glasses look that I myself envy so much, the estimable George Will.  (Will appears on the screen looking both pompous and ill at ease at the same time)

GW – Thank you Rachel.  And if I may preface my remarks with a quote by the great Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige, “Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.”

RM – I believe that is cultural appropriation.

GW – If it is, I’ll warrant I can lay it at the feet of the Trump presidency or hacking by Putin.

RM – Probably.  Okay, continue.

GW – What Satchel said about fried foods is the advice that Twitter is acting on.  Trump is the irritant like the fried food and Twitter has removed it and that will pacify our blood and give the nation cool thoughts.

RM – That’s fascinating coming from a conservative.

GW – Obviously, Rachel you’re still working under the fallacies of the old paradigm.  After the conversion to the new Will paradigm shift all of these seeming paradoxes disappear.  For instance, under the old fallacious viewpoint my opposition to the Republican president would appear to be unconservative.  But once you shift your point of view to the Will perspective you realize that real conservatism is what you find on MSNBC.  Real conservatives conserve the values that thrive in the new conservative universe.  The universe of Twitter and Facebook.  And once you embrace this new knowledge you realize who the real leader of the conservative movement truly is, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

RM – I always suspected as much.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT –   Rachel Maddow is a nincompoop who really needs a better haircut and wardrobe.  Very unfair and fake news.  Also, very boring and unattractive.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

RM – What the (bleep) was that?

GW – Apparently Donald Trump has lost whatever tenuous grip he had on reality and is now satisfying whatever impulse his id dreams up with complete …

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – George Will is a pompous doofus who couldn’t play golf on his best day but pontificates about it endlessly.  His breath is horrible and he farts on TV all the time.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

GW – What the (bleep) was that?  (Will disappears off the screen leaving a test pattern in his place.)

RM – We seem to be having technical difficulties but let’s bring on the next panel member, Rosie O’Donnell.

(O’Donnell appears on the screen in an outfit that resembles a slightly tight fitting burlap sack.)

ROD – Hello Rachel.  It seems like it’s been a long time since you invited me on the show but let’s stay on point.  Donald Trump is a dangerous maniac and removing him from Twitter is the least that can be done to stop him from destroying the world and even the universe.  He is responsible for global warming, ozone depletion, overpopulation and hate crimes against all at risk groups.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – Rosie O’Donnell is undeniably the worst human being to appear on the View and considering how awful most of the broads on that show are that’s saying a lot.  She is so filled with rage that in order to transport her to events she must first be put in the Hannibal Lector restraints with the mask and straight jacket and the two-wheeler.  And she’s gotten so fat that she can no longer bath indoors but instead needs to be hosed down outdoors in the Bronx Zoo elephant paddock.  But the elephants must first be removed to avoid panicking them.  Hello Rosie.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

ROD  – (bleep)ing Trump I’ll (bleep) (bleep) the (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeep)!!!  (Rosie is last seen attacking the camera with her teeth then the feed goes dead followed by static.)

RM – We’re going to take a break now and go to commercial when we come back I’m sure we’ll have all this sorted out.  (once the cameras stop Maddow drops her head to the desk and sobs uncontrollably.)

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area, Tuesday 6pm, President Trump sitting at the control board of the audio-visual system watching various feeds from the network and cable news shows and scribbling down some notes for his announcement rebuttals.  Next to him is a very tired and disheveled Mike Pence.

PT – Mike what rhymes with Tapper besides crapper.  I’ve already used that one.

VPP – Mr. President I can’t even think straight anymore.  It’s been more than twenty-four hours since we started this.  Can’t we take a break to sleep.

PT – Not yet Mike.  We’re very close.  I can tell they’re ready to cave.  I heard Jim Acosta is in the rubber room over at Washington General Hospital.  Apparently, he wandered in saying something about not being the enemy of the people.

(the phone rings and Mike Pence answers it)

VPP – Mr. President, it’s the CEOs of Disney, NBC-Universal, CBS, Time-Warner, Netflix, Amazon and the Home Shopping Network.  They want to surrender unconditionally.  Well except for HSN, they want to see if they can extend your subscription for three years at a really good rate.

PT – You tell those nitwits that the only way I’ll stop is if they reverse my Twitter ban and reinstate all conservatives they’ve banned in the last four years.

VPP – They’ve agreed.  Bezos purchased Twitter and fired the whole department in charge of persecuting conservatives.

PT – Good.  Oh, and tell them no more limit on the number of characters in my messages.  It’s really very lame.

Trump vs Crumb Bum Incumbent Chump Stumping

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , ,

[Announcer]:  We interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast of some utterly meaningless reality show to bring you the already in progress televised presentation of President Trump’s campaign rally for Incumbent Republican Senator Rathbone Bamboozle from the Great State of Northeast Meetah.  And here is the President.

[President Trump]:  Thank you Senator Bamboozle for that rambling incoherent introduction.  I couldn’t understand everything you said because you are so falling down drunk but from what I heard I disagree with about every fourth word.  Good evening ladies and gentlemen.  I’m here tonight to convince you to get out and vote for Senator Bamboozle.  Looking back on his long and storied career of graft, corruption, featherbedding and just plain influence peddling it’s hard to believe that I can actually find a single reason to recommend him.  I mean look at him.  He’s an old, fat, drunken, dishonest SOB and he’s hideously ugly to boot.  In a better world, I’d be urging the Senate Majority Leader to proffer charges against him prior to expulsion from the Senate and if it’s still permitted I’d have him bullwhipped out of the Capitol Building.  But we don’t live in a better world.  In this world your choice is this worthless bag of crap or a Democrat.  So, relatively speaking, the bag of crap is the better man.  If the Democrats get in, we can expect them to stonewall all further progress on job creation, tax relief, trade improvement and immigration control.  We’ll have no further progress on an honest Supreme Court and we’ll end up with socialism and reverse racism tainting every law and government program.

I remember just last year Rathbone Bamboozle declared in the pit of the Senate that he would do everything in his power to see that my presidency failed.  He said that my positions on immigration and trade were un-American.  He swore that he would oppose any policy that I championed and swore that he would petition the FBI to prosecute me on charges that I colluded with the Russians against Crooked Hillary.

Well, that was then, this is now.  Senator Bamboozle is thirty points under water in the polls and his wife has left him for the local termite inspection guy who works his neighborhood.  She said he associates with a better class of individuals than her husband.  So, after he begged me on his hands and knees and the political spin doctors assured me that we need his seat to move forward with our agenda, I agreed very reluctantly to come here and ask you long suffering people to bring this loser back to the Senate.  I can’t claim that he will be a better Senator or a better man but I can promise you that once I have enough votes in the Senate to not need his sorry butt around anymore, I’ll have him investigated by the IRS and sent to prison for at least twenty years.  (turning around to the dais) You hear that Rathbone?  Better start a weight training program.  Prison is a pretty tough gig.

So, in conclusion, vote for this bum.  I’ve written a new campaign slogan for him.  Tell me what you think.  “He’s a worthless, evil, conniving bastard, but he’s not Satan himself.”  (the crowd gives him a standing ovation) Trump out.

Trump vs the Silly Season

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , , , , ,

Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);

Vice President Pence – (VPP)

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office

 

PT – Mike.  Mike.  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you?

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Mike, I can’t take it anymore.  That rat Cohen talking to Mueller is the end.  I’ve got to pull the plug on that stiff.

VPP – Mr. President, that could be a disaster for the mid-terms.

PT – I don’t care.  I’ve had it with this nonsense.  Once I fire Mueller I’ll have him indicted six ways to Sunday for all kinds of crap we’ve already got on him and then I’ll be able to get going on important stuff like that bill to move the UN from New York to Newark.  It’s such a subtle difference in pronunciation that no one will notice until the carjackings start piling up.

VPP – But Jeff Sessions said he’d resign if you fire Mueller.

PT -Who cares?  He’s utterly useless.  I had to order him to discontinue Comey’s phone plan four times before he finally got around to it.  Besides I’ve got a great new Attorney General lined up already.  And he’s between gigs so we’ll get him cheap.  Steven Seagal.

VPP – But Mr. President, isn’t Steven Seagal under investigation for rape?

PT – He’s assured me that it’s fake news.  Besides he was a sheriff down in Texas so he knows about the law.  With him as the AG we’ll finally start cleaning out the swamp.  We’ve discussed what kind of prosecutions we can get against CNN reporters who try to ask questions without being picked by me to speak.  He figures that a ten-year sentence would be fair.

VPP – Wait, no!  You can’t do that.  Freedom of the Press is in the Bill of Rights.

PT – This has nothing to do with Freedom of the Press.  It’s about jumping ahead in a line.  No one likes a line jumper.  The American people hate a line jumper and they will applaud the punishing of line jumpers.  I’m hoping I can get that worm Jim Acosta to talk out of turn.  Seagal says he’ll personally make the arrest by body slamming Acosta to the ground and tossing him out of the ring, I mean the Press Briefing Room.

VPP – Mr. President, please trust me, there is no court in the country that would even consider prosecuting reporters for shouting out a question out of turn at a press conference.

PT – Mike that’s just the kind of defeatist thing that JEB! or Romney would say.  Now Seagal is due here in a couple of hours so be ready to brainstorm with us.

VPP – But I’m sure he’s about to be indicted.

PT – Fine.  I’ll just pardon him and we can move on.  Now we’re gonna want to decide whether to just fire the whole FBI or also terminate all those alphabet soup agencies, you know, the CIA, the NSA, blah, blah, blah.  You know clear out all those losers.

VPP – Mr. President, that’s impossible.  Those agencies are critical parts of the law enforcement and security apparatus.

PT – Mike, you sound a little hysterical.  I think you should take a few weeks off and see if this job is for you.  If you’re not up to the challenge I hear that Chuck Norris is between gigs, except for that infomercial for the exercise machine with Christy Brinkley and those other old losers.  We could probably get him cheap and he could help Seagal drag Acosta down to the lock-up.  I figure they could even rough him up a good bit before handing him over to the police.  Acosta has said some pretty mean things about me in the past.  It would serve him right if they tuned him up a little bit.

VPP – Sir, this is insane.

PT – Look Mike I’m bored.  Something’s got to give.  Either you figure out how to end this Mueller thing right away or I’m bringing in Seagal.

VPP – Very well, Mr. President.  Fire Mueller and accept Jeff Sessions’ resignation.  I guess we can trust to your luck to get us through the ensuing Impeachment Trial.

PT – That’s the spirit Mike.  After all Bill Clinton was impeached and it didn’t stop him did it?

VPP – Wow.  That’s a stunning sentiment.

PT – Cheer up Mike.  If worst comes to worst you’ll be President.  That won’t be so bad will it?

VPP – Actually Mr. President, after serving with you for the last year or so, I’m not sure I want to be President anymore.

PT – Suit yourself.  If Norris isn’t available there’s always Dolph Lundgren.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could probably get him cheap.  Oh wait he’s a russky that wouldn’t look good.

VPP – Actually he’s Swedish.  He just played a Russian in Rocky IV.

PT – Whatever.  Now get me Sly Stallone on the phone.  I hear he’s between gigs and we could get him to be FBI Director for almost nothing.

VPP – Oy vey.