Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT);
Vice President Pence – (VPP)
Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office
PT – Mike. Mike. PENCE!!!! Where the hell are you?
VPP – Right here Mr. President.
PT – Mike, I can’t take it anymore. That rat Cohen talking to Mueller is the end. I’ve got to pull the plug on that stiff.
VPP – Mr. President, that could be a disaster for the mid-terms.
PT – I don’t care. I’ve had it with this nonsense. Once I fire Mueller I’ll have him indicted six ways to Sunday for all kinds of crap we’ve already got on him and then I’ll be able to get going on important stuff like that bill to move the UN from New York to Newark. It’s such a subtle difference in pronunciation that no one will notice until the carjackings start piling up.
VPP – But Jeff Sessions said he’d resign if you fire Mueller.
PT -Who cares? He’s utterly useless. I had to order him to discontinue Comey’s phone plan four times before he finally got around to it. Besides I’ve got a great new Attorney General lined up already. And he’s between gigs so we’ll get him cheap. Steven Seagal.
VPP – But Mr. President, isn’t Steven Seagal under investigation for rape?
PT – He’s assured me that it’s fake news. Besides he was a sheriff down in Texas so he knows about the law. With him as the AG we’ll finally start cleaning out the swamp. We’ve discussed what kind of prosecutions we can get against CNN reporters who try to ask questions without being picked by me to speak. He figures that a ten-year sentence would be fair.
VPP – Wait, no! You can’t do that. Freedom of the Press is in the Bill of Rights.
PT – This has nothing to do with Freedom of the Press. It’s about jumping ahead in a line. No one likes a line jumper. The American people hate a line jumper and they will applaud the punishing of line jumpers. I’m hoping I can get that worm Jim Acosta to talk out of turn. Seagal says he’ll personally make the arrest by body slamming Acosta to the ground and tossing him out of the ring, I mean the Press Briefing Room.
VPP – Mr. President, please trust me, there is no court in the country that would even consider prosecuting reporters for shouting out a question out of turn at a press conference.
PT – Mike that’s just the kind of defeatist thing that JEB! or Romney would say. Now Seagal is due here in a couple of hours so be ready to brainstorm with us.
VPP – But I’m sure he’s about to be indicted.
PT – Fine. I’ll just pardon him and we can move on. Now we’re gonna want to decide whether to just fire the whole FBI or also terminate all those alphabet soup agencies, you know, the CIA, the NSA, blah, blah, blah. You know clear out all those losers.
VPP – Mr. President, that’s impossible. Those agencies are critical parts of the law enforcement and security apparatus.
PT – Mike, you sound a little hysterical. I think you should take a few weeks off and see if this job is for you. If you’re not up to the challenge I hear that Chuck Norris is between gigs, except for that infomercial for the exercise machine with Christy Brinkley and those other old losers. We could probably get him cheap and he could help Seagal drag Acosta down to the lock-up. I figure they could even rough him up a good bit before handing him over to the police. Acosta has said some pretty mean things about me in the past. It would serve him right if they tuned him up a little bit.
VPP – Sir, this is insane.
PT – Look Mike I’m bored. Something’s got to give. Either you figure out how to end this Mueller thing right away or I’m bringing in Seagal.
VPP – Very well, Mr. President. Fire Mueller and accept Jeff Sessions’ resignation. I guess we can trust to your luck to get us through the ensuing Impeachment Trial.
PT – That’s the spirit Mike. After all Bill Clinton was impeached and it didn’t stop him did it?
VPP – Wow. That’s a stunning sentiment.
PT – Cheer up Mike. If worst comes to worst you’ll be President. That won’t be so bad will it?
VPP – Actually Mr. President, after serving with you for the last year or so, I’m not sure I want to be President anymore.
PT – Suit yourself. If Norris isn’t available there’s always Dolph Lundgren. I hear he’s between gigs and we could probably get him cheap. Oh wait he’s a russky that wouldn’t look good.
VPP – Actually he’s Swedish. He just played a Russian in Rocky IV.
PT – Whatever. Now get me Sly Stallone on the phone. I hear he’s between gigs and we could get him to be FBI Director for almost nothing.
VPP – Oy vey.