Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Secretary Jim (Mad Dog) Mattis – (JM); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Attorney General Jeff Sessions – (JS); Receptionist Patty – (RP)
Scene 1 – White House West Wing, Inside the Oval Office, President Trump at his desk.
PT – Mike. Mike. Pence!!! Where the hell are you Pence?
(President Trump pressing the intercom switch)
PT – Patty, where the hell is Mike?
(The intercom replies)
RP – Mr. President, the Vice President hung up the phone on me when I called him up this morning. He said, and I quote, “tell that lunatic I’m done,” unquote.
PT – What lunatic does he mean?
RP – I couldn’t say Mr. President.
PT – Okay Patty, get Mad Dog in here.
RP – Yes Mr. President.
(Secretary Mattis rushes into the Oval Office almost immediately).
PT – Mad Dog, what took you?
JM – I was caught in cross town traffic.
PT – Excuses. Pence has cracked. What can we do?
JM – Air strike, special forces extraction, black ops, wet work, several things.
PT – Hey Mattis, I make the jokes around here. You’re the straight man.
JM – Well then, let’s just say I don’t handle psy-ops. But if you want my opinion, tell him to resign. It’s not like things are going to get easier anytime soon.
PT – And they say I’m the prick.
JM – All due respect Mr. President.
PT – Alright, get the hell out and send in Sessions.
(Mattis leaves and a few minutes later Jeff Sessions enters.)
JS – Mr. President, how can I help you?
PT – Jeff, we’ve got a problem. Mike seems to have reached his limit.
JS – Mr. President, we’re all under enormous strain. Maybe Mattis is right and you should encourage Mike to step down.
PT – Yeah but it’s different for Mike. I’ve kept him out of the loop on a lot of what goes on behind the scenes so he won’t be vulnerable to attack by those psychopaths under you. Because of that all this stuff looks completely fubar. Plus I need him on deck in case they get me.
JS – Good points. Alright, what do we do?
PT – I don’t know, I think I’ll try to talk him down off the ledge. But I may need some shock and awe. See if you can come up with a plan.
JS – I’ll get right on it.
Scene 2 – Same day, outside the Vice Presidential Mansion. President Trump and two secret service agent standing in front of the door. President Trump pushes the intercom button.
PT – Hey Mike. It’s me. Let me in and we’ll talk.
Mike Pence’s voice answers loudly through the intercom.
VPP – Go away. I’ve got nothing to say. I’m going on leave. Leave any messages with my secretary.
PT – Oh come on Mike, this is important. Where’s your sense of decorum?
VPP – Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
PT – Mike, are you okay?
(There’s no answer from the intercom and a minute later Mike Pence comes to the door. He has a three day growth of beard and is wearing a sweat suit.)
VPP – Look you maniac, don’t you understand I’ve had all I can take. Insulting volatile world leaders at the brink of nuclear confrontation, paying off porn actresses, endlessly quarreling with reporters, business leaders, Congress and your own employees. Not a single day goes by that you don’t fire someone or threaten to fire someone. You vacillate back and forth between contradictory positions on everything from gun control to tariffs to illegal immigration. And then there’s the Mueller thing. Which is it? Are you going to fire him or is he going to send you to jail? I have had it. I’m starting to become psychotic myself. So just leave me alone. I’m taking a vacation and when I get back I’m going to resign.
PT – Hey you two guys go over by the car, I’ve got something to say to the vice President that you can’t hear.
(Secret Service agents move away.)
PT – Mike, everything you say is true. Under a normal politician none of this stuff would be happening. Most of the earlier Presidents like FDR, Kennedy and Bush Senior had their affairs hushed up by the FBI. Only Clinton got outed because he was an outsider. But in my defense all of my stuff is from way before I was in the White House. And other than you, there’s probably no one in Washington who doesn’t have his skeletons.
VPP – Well, actually that’s true Mr. President, but…
PT – And with respect to Kim Jung Un and Assad, wouldn’t you say that my approach, while bombastic is actually more effective and honest than what the last four Presidents have done?
VPP –Well yes, I guess that’s true, but…
PT – And with respect to quarreling with leftists, was the appeasement that W or his father employed more or less successful than my confrontational style?
VPP – Well sure, but…
PT – And has my stutter step rhetoric made it possible for me to more or less avoid some of the traps like the Dreamer Bill and any major compromises on the budget?
VPP – Yeah, but…
PT – And as far as firing people, wouldn’t you admit, considering what we’re doing right now, that working for me can’t be done by many people and leads to high attrition?
VPP – Huhh. Hmm. You’ve got a point.
PT – Look Mike. I’m not pretending that I’m normal. I am a maniac as you said. But when you have to kill cancer you don’t use chamomile tea and sugar. You use radiation and deadly poison. Think of me as chemotherapy. And if I fail the patient dies. The country dies. So cut me some slack will you?
VPP – Sorry Mr. President, I guess I lost my nerve.
PT – No were right. This is no country for old men. But there are some perks too.
VPP – What do you mean?
PT – Well I had Sessions look into some kind of small win for our side, something to cheer you up. He found some more dirt on McCabe and we got him to turn on some of his old buddies at the Bureau. That may be what I need to get Mueller to call it quits.
VPP – Very rational and measured it sounds to me. Good work Mr. President.
PT – Yeah, and he’s agreed to appear in a dunk tank on tv and let the All Star pitching staff dunk him up to ten times in jalapeno sauce dressed in a speedo with the words I’m a ratfink liar stenciled on his chest.
VPP – Well it’s a start.