Tag: Rachel Maddow

Fake News for Stupid People

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I’ve had a lot of fun mocking our heroic pundits on the Left.  Whether it’s Joy Reid and her completely hollow skull or Rachel Maddow and her total lack of self-awareness or Jeffrey Toobin and his missing boundaries; all these people share the circumstance that they are unqualified to act as journalists.  Granted, their employers really don’t expect or want them to perform that function.  The last thing that MSNBC or CNN want is honesty and objectivity.  Heaven forbid!

What these dullards and liars are supposed to do is mouth the talking points they are handed and pretend to be serious adults.  In some cases, this is impossible.  Joy Reid can’t even pronounce the word objectivity.  Jeffrey Toobin couldn’t forego autoerotic activities while at work.  And the Rachel Maddows and Chris Hayeses and Chris Lemons simply crawl with tics and mannerisms that announce to the world, “Here is a nut job.”

So, yeah, it’s a lot of fun and beyond easy to slap these meat puppets around whenever one of them takes to the airwaves and pontificates about Donald Trump or someone else on the Right who won’t kowtow to Barack Obama or some other creepy “lightworker” who they pull out of the woodworks.  It’s easy because they’re idiots and because the things they say have become demonstrably false.  COVID was built in a lab and the vaccine didn’t protect us from it.  Biden has let in ten million illegal aliens and they are overwhelming New York, Chicago and every sanctuary city that claims to want them.  Biden has inflated cost of everything from food to gasoline to rent until now working-class people can’t afford to live.

As I say, it’s easy to slap them around.  But that only helps if so many people demand change that even the fake election producers can’t fake the results.  And unfortunately, there are plenty of people like the Karens of the world who would rather see working class people starve to death rather than allow Donald Trump in the White House.  The Affluent White Female Liberals (AWFL’s) are perfectly happy to pretend that Joy Reid is a genius if it validates their own intelligence.

But the final laugh will be on them.  White females have finally fallen off the edge of the critical race table.  Whiteness has finally sunk them too.  There just isn’t enough room in the zero-sum game that is the Democrat coalition to allow them to keep their heads above water.  BIPoC women need their jobs and their status.  So, it’s time for them to go.  And at the same time if the Supreme Court invalidates sex based affirmative action in the workplace, then there won’t be anything at all left for them to console themselves with as they come home to their little apartments filled with boxes; wine boxes and cat litter boxes.

But one thing they’ll still have will be MSNBC.  Rachel Maddow and Joy Reid will always be there to remind them that black women and white lesbians can go on tv and tell them all the things that white people (including AWFL’s) have done to harm this world and why they need to be punished.

So, these dullards and liars have a real function.  It’s to tell fake news to stupid people.  I stand corrected.

My Favorite Iowa Moment. Send in the MSNBC Clowns

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As Trump was declared the winner by NBC Rachel Maddow announces that MSNBC won’t be airing Trump’s victory speech.  But it’s not spite, she says, it’s their high journalistic ethics that will not allow lies (lies!) to be broadcast on their channel.  Hah!  But luckily for us they will monitor the speech in case there is anything that needs to be conveyed (or more likely refuted).

Well, thank goodness we have MSNBC to let us know what is newsworthy.  I mean, if you can’t depend on MSNBC to provide objective reporting who can you?  Isn’t it rich.

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2024/01/15/msnbcs_rachel_maddow_censors_trumps_iowa_victory_speech_its_not_out_of_spite.html

Dunk Tank Justice

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Tuesday was a chaotic day.  We had snow, then rain, then sleet.  When I got out of work today my car was a popsicle.  But being a really lazy guy, my ice scraper was sitting at home where I left it, in front of the kitchen porch where it was definitely of limited value.  So, I used my bare hands to scrape this thick ice off my windshield and remove the ice from the roof and trunk.  Liquid water is an amazing heat transfer material.  The ice on the car was wet enough to make my caveman act extremely effective at freezing my fingertips.  So, there I am driving along trying to use the dashboard car heater to thaw my fingers enough to feel the steering wheel.

On the way home I filled up my five-gallon plastic gas can with some three-dollar gasoline and headed home to the horror that was my driveway.  Because there was still a freezing rain falling, I put on a raincoat.  And because my fingers were still kind of tingly-numb I decided that I needed to protect them from getting frozen again.  I made a glove sandwich.  I put a pair of thin Thinsulate gloves on and covered them with a pair of disposable kitchen gloves.  Not the tight-fitting rubber ones for doing the dishes but the loose clear thin plastic kind that restaurant workers wear when they handle cold cuts.  Then I put a pair of work gloves on top of this.  It worked like a charm.  Keeping the insulated glove dry kept my hands warm and the work gloves provided the strength to protect the thin plastic gloves from damage.  Edison the Man!

Snow blowers are pretty good with dry snow.  They’re so-so with wet snow and they’re pretty abysmal with slush.  And that’s what I had.  The slush would separate in the auger and form a cylindrical plug of solid ice that would slowly travel up the outlet and when it got to about a foot long it would break off and fall out of the chute and then a burst of watery slush would shoot out for about thirty seconds and then start to clog with ice again.  It took about three passes over the whole length to get most of the slush off the driveway and even then, it was still a mess.

Last week, I bought this fancy shovel which works better at pushing than shoveling the snow down the driveway.  It has a couple of handles at different points on its length and works really well for quickly clearing this heavy wet stuff.  I went over the whole upper driveway again with it.  This was slower and more tiring than the snowblower, but much more successful.  By the time the light failed at about 5 pm I had gotten the upper driveway and enough of the rest of the pavement cleaned up to the point where tomorrow I should be able to get in and out without trouble.  Camera Girl provided sufficient wifely verbal sympathy for my heroic efforts and also a hot meal that was greatly appreciated.

Afterwards I watched a few clips on the results of the Iowa caucuses and was happy to hear the Lefties on MSNBC caterwauling about white privilege and racism.  It’s interesting how even Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow only seem somewhat moronic when in the company of someone as profoundly stupid as Joy Reid.  She was jabbering away about how White Christians were plotting with Donald Trump to subvert the country and disenfranchise everyone who wasn’t white and Christian.

And I thought to myself, “If only Trump was this evil dictator.  I think I would submit to a purported dictatorship of these Midwestern, Elks or Shriners or whatever, if only they would promise to sit Joy Reid on the shelf of a dunk tank filled with ice water and gave me a dozen baseballs.  Now I’m not a monster.  I would allow her to be fished out between dunks and dried off and warmed up.  But I would consider it one of my finest moments if I managed to hit the target even once and consigned Joy Reid to the icy depths if only for a few moments.  And I thought, “That’s a pretty good idea.”  Dunk tank justice would provide satisfaction to the multitudes.  Imagine if every aggrieved conservative got a turn at freeze dunking Nancy Pelosi or Joe Biden or Nikki Haley for saying really stupid things.  This would be a happier world.  Of course, some of the frailer losers like Pelosi might catch pneumonia.  But I’m willing to take that risk.

I guess maybe the cruel and unusual punishment standard of justice might forbid dunk tank justice.  But I tell you, I don’t see why we couldn’t get a constitutional amendment to cover it.  And I’ll bet if Joy Reid thought that she could get dunked in ice water for saying things as stupid as what comes out of her mouth currently, maybe she’d take up some more noble profession, like rodeo clown.  But unfortunately, being a rodeo clown takes brains, of which she has not a scintilla.  Well, how about doorstop?

Trump vs Twitter Ban

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Dramatis Personae:  President Trump – (PT);   Melania Trump – (MT);    Vice President Pence – (VPP);    Mad Dog Mattis – (MDM);    Rachel Maddow – (RM);   Kim Jong Un – (KJU);   Russian President Vladimir Putin – (RVP);  Rosie O’Donnell – (ROD);  George Will – (GW);  Warning Announcer – (WA)

 

Scene 1: White House West Wing; 8am Friday; First Family living quarters

PT – Schmoopey!  Schmoopey!  Schmoopey where are you?  I need your help more than ever before.

MT – I’m right here Schmoopey, do not despair.

PT – Schmoopey, this is a national emergency, Twitter has banned me.

MT – Schmoopey, is this indeed an emergency?  Twitter seems to me to be not an emergency.

PT – Of course it is.  Without my twitter feed how will I get out the truth?  The failed New York Times and fake news networks will lie unopposed and Americans will fall into panic.

MT – This is true.  How can I help you in the saving of the nation.

PT – I need an idea to force them to restore my Twitter account.

MT – But you are the great leader.  They must obey or you will crush them like ants under your giant feet.

PT – Sadly, that is not how it works.  Apparently, the US government is not allowed to assassinate US citizens except if a Democrat is President.

MT – Too bad.  That would be convenient.

PT – You’re telling me.

MT – Yes, I am telling you.

PT – (sighs heavily) … Anyway, I can’t do that so I need a good idea to fix this.

MT – You must speak to the very wise men of government. President Vice Mike and the Mad Dog.

PT – You’re right again Schmoopey, those guys have been sleeping on the job long enough.  I’ll put a fire under them and get something useful out of them for a change.  After all I can’t do everything all alone.  And I’ll get Putin and Kim Jong Un working on this too.

MT – Get them, get them.  Make them fix this.  Go Schmoopey, you are truly wonderful, Mr. Leader.

Scene 2; White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area; Same Day 6 pm.; President Trump, Vice President Pence and Defense Secretary (Mad Dog) Mattis are seated in virtual conference seats with life sized images of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un facing them.

PT – Okay, so that’s the problem.  I’ve been banned from Twitter and I have to get back on.  What are my options.

VPP – Mr. President, what seems appropriate is a strongly worded editorial in the major daily newspapers, the Times and the Post, declaring the unfairness of this decision by Twitter.

PT – Low energy, Pence.  Next.

KJU – Nerve gas attack on Twitter owner’s dog.  Get message across with small gesture.

PT – Interesting, but let’s hold the nerve gas in reserve right now.  There’s a whole treaty about that sort of thing plus PETA can be a bear to deal with when they get antsy.  Next.

RVP – The correct play is hack their servers and block all other feeds but yours for two weeks and then demand a billion dollars in cryptocurrency to restore their service.  Plus special forces should occupy the first three floors of their headquarters and annex it to the Russian Federation.

PT – Also interesting.  But none of that annexing jazz.  Americans are pretty attached to the territory.

RVP – Suit yourself.

PT – Next.

MDM – Mr. President, I think I’ve got an idea that should provide you with the short-term ability to get out your message and long-term will force Twitter to restore your account.  And my plan has the added advantage that it allows you to work within the confines of the US Constitution and all other applicable US laws.  Plus, no humans or dogs will be terminated.

KJU – You must really be mad dog if you so picky about nerve gassing them.  You big baby.

RVP – Why so boring Mad Dog?

PT – Kim Jong Un, Vladimir, thank you for your help.  If we need a backup plan I’ll be in touch.  (the images of Putin and Kim disappear but not before Kim flips Mattis the bird)  Alright Mad Dog you put together your team and Mike try to be helpful to the team.  You know, I can’t do everything myself!

Scene 3:  The following Monday evening;   The Set of the Rachel Maddow Show; Rachel Maddow is at her desk and facing a large television screen on which appear the various guests she interviews.

RM – Hello everyone, we’ve got our usual line up of inspiring progressive stories and tragic conservative stories but before anything else we need to jump onto the biggest story of the week.  Donald Trump has been banned from Twitter, permanently!  I’ve assembled a panel of brilliant and objective thought leaders to objectively explain to you why it’s perfectly reasonable for Twitter to decide that Trump is too racist and evil to be allowed to tweet.  My first guest is an esteemed former Republican and originator of the bow tie and glasses look that I myself envy so much, the estimable George Will.  (Will appears on the screen looking both pompous and ill at ease at the same time)

GW – Thank you Rachel.  And if I may preface my remarks with a quote by the great Negro League pitcher Satchel Paige, “Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.”

RM – I believe that is cultural appropriation.

GW – If it is, I’ll warrant I can lay it at the feet of the Trump presidency or hacking by Putin.

RM – Probably.  Okay, continue.

GW – What Satchel said about fried foods is the advice that Twitter is acting on.  Trump is the irritant like the fried food and Twitter has removed it and that will pacify our blood and give the nation cool thoughts.

RM – That’s fascinating coming from a conservative.

GW – Obviously, Rachel you’re still working under the fallacies of the old paradigm.  After the conversion to the new Will paradigm shift all of these seeming paradoxes disappear.  For instance, under the old fallacious viewpoint my opposition to the Republican president would appear to be unconservative.  But once you shift your point of view to the Will perspective you realize that real conservatism is what you find on MSNBC.  Real conservatives conserve the values that thrive in the new conservative universe.  The universe of Twitter and Facebook.  And once you embrace this new knowledge you realize who the real leader of the conservative movement truly is, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

RM – I always suspected as much.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT –   Rachel Maddow is a nincompoop who really needs a better haircut and wardrobe.  Very unfair and fake news.  Also, very boring and unattractive.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

RM – What the (bleep) was that?

GW – Apparently Donald Trump has lost whatever tenuous grip he had on reality and is now satisfying whatever impulse his id dreams up with complete …

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – George Will is a pompous doofus who couldn’t play golf on his best day but pontificates about it endlessly.  His breath is horrible and he farts on TV all the time.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

GW – What the (bleep) was that?  (Will disappears off the screen leaving a test pattern in his place.)

RM – We seem to be having technical difficulties but let’s bring on the next panel member, Rosie O’Donnell.

(O’Donnell appears on the screen in an outfit that resembles a slightly tight fitting burlap sack.)

ROD – Hello Rachel.  It seems like it’s been a long time since you invited me on the show but let’s stay on point.  Donald Trump is a dangerous maniac and removing him from Twitter is the least that can be done to stop him from destroying the world and even the universe.  He is responsible for global warming, ozone depletion, overpopulation and hate crimes against all at risk groups.

(suddenly a federal emergency interruption flashes across the screen and a warning announcer speaks)

WA – We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

PT – Rosie O’Donnell is undeniably the worst human being to appear on the View and considering how awful most of the broads on that show are that’s saying a lot.  She is so filled with rage that in order to transport her to events she must first be put in the Hannibal Lector restraints with the mask and straight jacket and the two-wheeler.  And she’s gotten so fat that she can no longer bath indoors but instead needs to be hosed down outdoors in the Bronx Zoo elephant paddock.  But the elephants must first be removed to avoid panicking them.  Hello Rosie.

WA – That concludes this warning of the emergency broadcast network.  We return you to the regularly broadcast program already in progress.

ROD  – (bleep)ing Trump I’ll (bleep) (bleep) the (bleep)ing (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeep)!!!  (Rosie is last seen attacking the camera with her teeth then the feed goes dead followed by static.)

RM – We’re going to take a break now and go to commercial when we come back I’m sure we’ll have all this sorted out.  (once the cameras stop Maddow drops her head to the desk and sobs uncontrollably.)

Scene 4 – White House Bunker, Teleconferencing Area, Tuesday 6pm, President Trump sitting at the control board of the audio-visual system watching various feeds from the network and cable news shows and scribbling down some notes for his announcement rebuttals.  Next to him is a very tired and disheveled Mike Pence.

PT – Mike what rhymes with Tapper besides crapper.  I’ve already used that one.

VPP – Mr. President I can’t even think straight anymore.  It’s been more than twenty-four hours since we started this.  Can’t we take a break to sleep.

PT – Not yet Mike.  We’re very close.  I can tell they’re ready to cave.  I heard Jim Acosta is in the rubber room over at Washington General Hospital.  Apparently, he wandered in saying something about not being the enemy of the people.

(the phone rings and Mike Pence answers it)

VPP – Mr. President, it’s the CEOs of Disney, NBC-Universal, CBS, Time-Warner, Netflix, Amazon and the Home Shopping Network.  They want to surrender unconditionally.  Well except for HSN, they want to see if they can extend your subscription for three years at a really good rate.

PT – You tell those nitwits that the only way I’ll stop is if they reverse my Twitter ban and reinstate all conservatives they’ve banned in the last four years.

VPP – They’ve agreed.  Bezos purchased Twitter and fired the whole department in charge of persecuting conservatives.

PT – Good.  Oh, and tell them no more limit on the number of characters in my messages.  It’s really very lame.

Trump vs Mother Nature

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Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); EPA Administrator  Scott Pruitt – (SP); Rachel Maddow – (RM);

 

Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office, President Trump sitting at his desk.

PT – Mike. … Mike. … PENCE!!!!

VPP – Right here Mr. President.

PT – Quick, get Pruitt over here right away.

VPP – You know Mr. President the switchboard can do that for you.

PT – Too busy today Mike?  Sorry I put you out.  Please accept my apologies.  I’ll tell the Chief of Staff not to wake you before Wednesday.  Is that satisfactory, Your Highness?

VPP – Understood, I’ll tell Scott to get here ASAP.

PT – Another profile in courage by Mike Pence.

(Mike Pence walks out the door shaking his head.  Ten minutes later Scott Pruitt walks in)

SP – Mike said you needed me Mr. President.

PT – Scott, look at this fake news on MSNBC.

(President Trump puts the cable show up on a conference monitor.  Rachel Maddow is reporting triumphantly on a Court ruling that prevents an Administration action.

RM – And the 4th Circuit Court’s decision effectively prevents the EPA from firing the Obama holdovers for at least 5 years.  The court further specified that the workers must be employed in environmental project work only.

SP – I’m afraid it’s true.  I’ve got forty Obama appointees each making two hundred grand apiece and the only way to get rid of them is have them quit.  And there’s no way on earth they’ll do that now.  Environmental projects aren’t exactly difficult.

PT – Pruitt, you low energy loser, I’ve been defending you against the press and Democrats for weeks.

If you don’t come up with a solution to this I’ll feed you to the lions.

SP – Yes Mr. President.  Hmmm, lions.

Scene 2- 8pm MSNBC Studio of the Rachel Maddow Show.  Maddow is sitting at her desk, and on the screen is President Trump.

RM – We’re coming to you live with this exclusive interview with President Donald Trump as he reacts to the stunning defeat of his assault on the EPA.  Mr. Trump, does the judicial reversal of your illegal firings spell the end of your charmed reign of terror?  Will this represent the beginning of the end for your Administration and the chance for Hillary Clinton to be restored to her rightful place as Madame President?

PT – Rachel, that studio you’re in must be too cold because under that boy’s haircut you’ve developed brain freeze.  Crooked Hillary is detoxing in a sanitarium while Bill frolics with the maid.  And, of course, my administration will completely comply with any legitimate judicial decision, no matter how asinine it may be.

RM – Well, despite your homophobic jibe it must distress you greatly that these Obama appointees will be doing everything in their power to save the environment from your friends, the rapacious wolves of Wall Street.

PT – Well Rachel, you’re very much mistaken.  I thought long and hard about what fitting assignment I could find for these unselfish champions of the environment.  Luckily, Administrator Pruitt found just the project.  It seems that there has been of late an invasive species causing terrible environmental damage down in Florida.  It’s a tragic situation.  And even though this species is doing untold environmental harm all true lovers of Mother Earth would want these invaders treated humanely.  So, in keeping with that humanity, I’ve assigned these forty environmental champions with the difficult but incredibly rewarding task of capturing by hand the tens of thousands of Burmese Pythons now infesting the Everglades National Park.  It will be dangerous and hopefully torturously uncomfortable, but we will make sure that these heroes of Gaia spend the rest of my administration up to their armpits in pythons and swamp mud.  Of course, if they don’t feel up to the challenge, they can of course resign.  But we don’t imagine they could consider that.

RM – I know I’m an atheist but is it possible you actually are Satan.

PT – Sucks to be you toots.  Trump out.

RM – Well folks, he’s done it again.  This is not a nightmare.  This really is life in Trump’s America.  Good night?

Trump vs The Feminist Blind Spot

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Scene 1: MSNBC studio set for the Rachel Maddow Show, the evening after the Academy Awards (The Harvies), Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres are seated at a table in the lounge area.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – Rachel I came as soon as I got your text.  I cancelled an interview with President Obama.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.

ED – Nah, I was glad to skip it.  I’m so tired of being forced to make believe I want him to do that dance thing he does.  Even I know straight women don’t find it sexy.  Plus he’s got a new book coming out about community activism and my sponsors have warned me if my ratings get any lower I’m gonna have to find a side job as a rodeo clown.

RM – Breaking another barrier!

ED – Or several ribs.  So, what’s up?

RM – Well, after last night’s awards fiasco I tried figuring out how all this could have gone so wrong.  I mean we have Donald Trump on tape joking about sexual assault and not only isn’t he tarred, feathered and sent to prison but he waltzes into the White House.  Meanwhile all these great progressive Hollywood men like Harvey and Kevin turn out to be rapists and psychopaths.  I mean, I don’t get it.

ED – You’re right.  It doesn’t make any sense.  I’m a pretty close friend of Harvey’s and he never once came onto me or made a pass.

RM – Yeah, me neither.  Something doesn’t make sense.

ED – Well, what do you think can be done?  Maybe a march.  Different hats?

RM – No.  No more hats.  My look is weird enough without hat hair.

ED – Then what?

RM – I have an idea.  It’s pretty crazy but a good journalist needs to think outside of the box sometimes.

 

Scene 2: Next day, White House West Wing, President Trump at the Oval Office desk and Melania Trump entering the room.

Melania Trump (MT) – Schmoopy, guess who called for you.

President Trump (PT) – Schmoopy, I’m kinda busy right now for guessing games.  That Nork Rocketman just called me a pumpkin head so I’m trying to have Mad Dog reposition some satellite lasers to melt down his favorite Rolls Royce into a slag heap.

MT – Hey, you can play around with your silly toys later, I just had to spend five minutes talking to Rachel Maddow that I can never get back.

PT – I’m very sorry.  That is something that should never happen to a woman.  I’ll have the satellites melt her down instead.

MT – No Schmoopy, the melting would be bad for the publicity.  You must keep the dignity.

PT – Fine.  What did that loser want?

MT – She wants the interview.

PT – Her, interview me?

MT – Yes, Schmoopy, she said any conditions you have will be agreed to.

PT – It must be a trick.

MT – No not the trick.  She even cried a little.  It was very sad.

PT – Alright Schmoopy, I’ll make some time for her this afternoon.

MT – Thank you Schmoopy, this makes you greater than the Reagan again.

PT – Exactly.

 

Scene 3: Afternoon the same day, Oval Office, President Trump at his desk, Rachel Maddow seated facing.

RM – Thank you Mr. President, for your time.

PT – Right.  What do you want?

RM – As you know I am one of your harshest critics.  I find the fact of your presidency as one of the surest signs that America is a terrible and unjust place.  I find everything about you reprehensible.

PT – Check.  What do you want?

RM – I want you to tell me how you do it.

PT – Do what?

RM – Act like a sexist pig and get away with it when better men, progressive men are hounded out of public life for much, much less.

PT – You’re confused.  You’re combining different things into one category and wondering why the outcomes are different.

RM – Can you be more specific?

PT – Yes.  You’re a deluded imbecile who is confused about every aspect of human behavior.

RM – Can you do it without insulting me?

PT – It won’t be as much fun, but I’ll try.

RM – Thanks.

PT – I’ll give you some examples of things that you’re confusing together.  If some old guy in a university who has spent his whole life advancing science, let’s say some Nobel Laureate in Biology, someone who has cracked the genetic code and basically invented modern biology, a man who has often made a point of advancing women in science and even hired them in his lab, if he makes a joke about young women being a distraction in his work place, what happens?  You hound him out of his job, force every University to retract his awards, force an apology and then unperson him like some victim in Stalinist Russia.  What is his crime?

RM – Sexual harassment and misogyny.

PT – Wrong on both.  He has committed no crime.  Telling you the truth about how he reacts to having the Spice Girls invade his professional space is not sexual harassment.  It’s just being a man of his generation.  And as for misogyny, that’s not a crime.  It’s just a description of your perception of his relationship to women based on one statement.  And I’m guessing that his wife of forty years and his female relatives would probably dispute it too.

RM – But what does this have to do with my question?

PT – Keep listening toots and maybe you’ll get it.  Next example, if a microphone records me talking off the record to a Bush family operative about what women will allow me to do when they’re interested in dating a very rich man what is that.

RM – Proof of sexual assault.

PT – Wrong again.  Exulting in the social advantages of being a very, very rich man is not a crime.  If a woman is sexually attracted to rich men or even pretends to be in order to become associated with a wealthy man that is just one of the dynamics that exist between people in a free society.

RM – But what if she doesn’t want to be mauled by you?

PT – Do you remember anywhere in that tape where I said I force myself on any woman that wasn’t interested in that kind of behavior.

RM – How do we know you don’t?

PT – Because I’m smart enough to know I don’t have to and that it isn’t a good way to stay rich.  I’ve been married three times.  Basically, every time you try to separate yourself from a woman it’s going to be very expensive.

RM – Well, that’s cold-blooded but probably accurate.

PT – Sexual harassment is very expensive to hush up.  Ask your buddy Harvey Weinstein.  And speaking of whom, let’s conclude the list of examples with him.  And what is it when Harvey Weinstein invites an actress to his hotel room for a job interview, disrobes in front of her, and chases her around the room trying to corner her for some form of sexual contact.

RM – Attempted rape.

PT – Maybe.  But if she is an employee or a prospective employee it would certainly be the textbook legal definition of quid pro quo sexual harassment.

RM – Well, we finally agree on something.

PT – And that’s the problem.  We agree that the third behavior is sexual harassment.  You however think the other two examples are the same thing.

RM – But they are.

PT – And that’s why you can’t figure out why I don’t end up like the other two examples.  In the first example you have a man who works for a university filled with people like you.  They control the levers of power and unless you have a very good lawyer and lots of money they will destroy you by fiat.  In the case of Weinstein, society is in agreement that coercing an employee into sexual contact against her will is sexual harassment.  In my case you have two guys discussing how easy it is to score when you’re rich.  Now, granted, it’s kind of boorish, but it’s no different from a woman describing how she got out of a speeding ticket by making eyes at a traffic cop.  In neither case would you want your words to be recorded but we all use what we have to get ahead in this world.  Whether it’s a pretty face or a nine-figure bank account it has its advantages.  Is this starting to sink in?

RM – There is some sense to it.  But it is horribly unfair.

PT – You mean like life?

RM – Yes.

PT – Welcome to the human race, kid.  It’s full of surprises but unfairness is really not a surprise.  It’s base case.  So, now you see why you don’t understand what’s going on.  You think if something’s unfair somebody, and probably a straight white man is responsible and should be held accountable for it.  You’re blaming him for something that only God can fix.  And since you don’t believe in God you need someone else to blame.

RM – Hmmm.  You’ve given me some things to think about.  But one thing I don’t understand.

PT – What?

RM – How come you sound so normal and intelligent.  You’re very different in your public persona.

PT – We’re not in public.

RM – Oh.

PT – Alright Maddow, are we done?

RM – I guess so.

PT – Then get out.  I have an interview coming up with Hannity and I have to figure out how to incorporate the words “huge” and “greatest” into a discussion about orange juice production.  Oh, and by the way, if you’re hoping to get the ratings up on that show of yours it wouldn’t kill you to show a little cleavage.

RM – Pig!

PT – That’s the Maddow we love!  Now get out.

The First Annual Harvey Awards – The Hollywood Perp Walk

photog Current Events, Humor , , , , ,

Scene 1: Announcer’s Booth at the Dolby Theater, Rachel Maddow and Ellen DeGeneres hosting the PBS review.

Rachel Maddow (RM) – Hello post-patriarchy America.  I’m here with Ellen to host the first rebranded Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards henceforth to be known as the Harvies.

Ellen DeGeneres (ED) – That’s right Rachel.  It’s been renamed the Harvey to commemorate the Harvey Weinstein catalyzed revolt of the womyn.  Even the statuette has been re-engineered.  It’s still a nude figurine but in honor of its namesake it is a rather pear-shaped satyr with his castrated genitals on the base near his feet.

RM – Amazing artwork, really.

ED – Yes, indeedy.

RM – Ellen, let’s reflect on the changes we saw earlier on the red carpet walkway.

ED – Yes, Rachel, let’s.  I thought it was very encouraging how all those strapless evening gowns and daring short skirts have disappeared from the runway to be replaced with sensible jumpsuits and snazzy tuxedettes.

RM – Yes, a breath of fresh air and so much fairer to some of our more mature colleagues.  And how about the hair styles?  I thought it was about time for Hollywood to rediscover the buzz cut.

ED – You said it sister.  Nothing like a number two buzz cut to get you out of the shower in less than five minutes.

RM – And the addition of the Burka Parade was both brave and empowering somehow.

ED – Yes, somehow.

RM – Yes.  Anyway, wasn’t it great not having to feel like some kind of display being gawked at by lecherous, lecherous men?

ED – Or lecherous, lecherous women!  We are the equal of men in every way you know.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Yes, exactly.

RM – Yes.  Now, where were we?  Oh yes, breath of fresh air.

ED – Yes, fresh.

RM – So as an update to the audience, just today it was decided that Jimmy Kimmel having a beard and a wife was unsuitable for this first Harvies broadcast.  So, in his place we’ve got Amy Schumer.

ED – Oh, that’s great.  She’s really funny and she has those fat jokes that are very funny.  But what about the swearing?

RM – Let ‘m fly!

ED – On ABC?  Disney?

RM – Don’t get wobbly now Ellen.  I am Womyn hear me Roar!

ED – Yeah, but I’m on ABC.  We can’t afford to lose any more viewers.  As it is I’m being payed per diem.  If I lose anymore base, I’m gonna have to move over to one of the loser channels like MSNBC.

RM – Hey!

ED – I mean CNN.

RM – Exactly.

ED – Anyway, why don’t we run down the list of Best Picture nominees.

RM – Yes, let’s.

ED – Starting with the hands down favorite, Ghostbusters.

RM – What a hoot.  It had everything, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones.  And all of them were womyn!

ED – I think you’re right there Rachel.  I think they all were womyn.  Isn’t that something?

RM – Yes, indeedy.

ED – Now you’re using “yes indeedy?”

RM – sure I always use it.  I can be folksy.

ED – Oh, fine.

RM – Anyway, what about the other nominees?

ED – Well, actually that’s the only nominee that wasn’t pulled from consideration for linkage to a director, producer or major star involved in a #metoo accusation.

RM -But how can we have a competition if there is only one nominee?

ED – What’s the problem?  The rules say the nominee with the highest vote total wins.  Where does it say you can’t have just one nominee?

RM – But all the lead actors are womyn how will we select a Best Actor award?

ED – Oh, they were all eliminated.  We’re just gonna run the “Who Died This Year” clip instead.

RM – Hmmm.  So Best Director, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Cinematography all go to Ghostbusters?

ED – It looks like a good bet.

RM – Well, then even I think this seems kind of pointless.  How will we fill four hours of air time if all the awards are pre-determined?

ED –  The acceptance speeches.  Each winner will spend approximately twenty minutes ranting and foaming against the patriarchy and in particular, against the Men of Hollywood who have offended against us.

RM – Oh yeah.  That’s right.  This is gonna be good.

ED – Not to mention, at the three-hour mark there will be a forty five minute montage of all the #metoo victims and villains.  It’s gonna be great.

RM – But won’t that kind of alienate male viewers.

ED – Actually we don’t have any, except the gay guys of course.

RM – Oh, of course.  Plus, they can boo Kevin Spacey.

ED – That’s right.  It’s a win/win.

RM – Well, this actually is sounding pretty fabulous.  Now that we’ve conquered Hollywood and hold all the aces the future must look very bright.

ED – Well, actually this is also the last Harvies.

RM – Last? Why?

ED – Well without the male stars, writers, directors and producers the studios realized that no one would want to see the movies made by women.  So, they closed down the businesses and put their money into realistic sexbots.  Apparently, they’re where the smart money is going.

RM – Yeah, I guess we should’ve seen that coming.

ED – But what will all the actresses do?

RM – Work?

ED – What if they can’t?

RM – Well I hear the sexbot industry needs models to simulate sex to teach the sexbots.  Could they do that?

ED – Yeah, in a funny way that’s kind of what they’re good at.

RM – Well, Amy’s taking the stage for her opening monologue.  Good night PBS audience for this first and last Harvies Awards celebration.  Good night everyone!