Dramatis Personae: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – (AOC); Nancy Pelosi (NP); Al Gore – (AG); Narrator who looks and sounds like Rod Serling – (NRS); Barack Obama – (BO); Michelle Obama – (MO);
Scene 1- Unknown Office building; 8 pm Mid-July
A narrator, who looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Rod Serling circa 1961, is standing in front of a map of the United States
NRS – Tonight’s cautionary tale is most unusual and requires that we imagine the following. Here behind me is a map of the United States. But what if suddenly it disappeared (whole map goes dark except one point of light) and all that was left was a tiny dot called Washington D.C.? Now imagine that within this tiny world there was no longer radio, television, the internet, telephones, gas engines or even electricity. And assume that the only thing that farmers were allowed to grow was vegetables. No beef, pork, chicken or fish. And finally imagine that even wishing for any of these things was now a death sentence executed by a monster. If you can imagine all that you’ve just entered the Bizarro Zone (well I couldn’t use the real name).
Scene 2 – A ramshackle farm building with peeling paint and a wooden porch with a porch swing with an old haggard woman fanning herself with a piece of paper.
NRS – And here is the lair of the monster, a farmhouse with all the misery of pre-industrial life on display. Over there in the swing on the porch is Aunt Nancy Pelosi, she once had the most influence over the monster but one time she hinted that maybe eliminating all private jets wouldn’t be a “good thing” and she was reduced to the cracked-brain non-gavel wielding hag you see before you.
NP – Hey not so much of the hag thing. I just got another facelift and I’m a damn good-looking babe, you male chauvinist pig.
NRS – As I was saying, the monster does not like to be contradicted. Oh, and I’ve forgotten to introduce the monster. She’s a bug-eyed petulant millennial Latina from the Bronx who can’t even spell climatology but don’t be fooled. There’s a nasty mean streak behind that googly eyed expression and what passes for a brain is completely in charge of her surroundings. Meet Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez or as she’s known to her fawning minions A-oh-see. (swift view change to show AOC trying to get something unstuck from between her horse teeth with her pinky nail, then noticing the camera and glaring in a cross-eyed scowl.
Scene 3 – Same farmhouse from the viewpoint facing the road. An overweight man (Al Gore) on a delivery bicycle is straining along the driveway to the house. On the ground in front of the house A-oh-see is playing in the dust. He pulls up in front of her.
AG – Hi, there A-oh-see. My it’s good to see you today. Whatcha doing there? Whatever it is it’s sure good, but I was just wondering what you were doing there.
AOC – I was figuring out how many white men it takes to pull a wagon for ten women of color in the next Cinco de Mayo parade.
AG – Oh, that’s a real good thing. Why I never knew so much good figuring going on as you sure can do.
AOC – Yeah, go away now, you’re starting to make me mad.
(Gore quickly scurries away toward the house. He carries some boxes into the kitchen and addresses Michelle Obama who is shucking corn in the sink)
AG – Hello Mrs. Obama, it’s certainly a good day today and we all just love A-oh-see so much, that’s right, she was out there figuring and figuring and it was just great.
MO – Hello Al. Yeah, it’s certainly a great day all right and we’re real happy here, we are.
AG – I brought you some things for the party tonight. I’ve got corn flour and whole wheat flour and baking soda.
MO – Have you got any white flour for the cake?
AG – Oh, we don’t have any more of that. Not since A-oh-see explained to us just how evil white is. No, we don’t want none of that, we don’t. I mean we used to think it was useful but it’s real good that A-oh-see set us straight on that. Well not straight, we don’t say straight no more we don’t, no sir, I mean no ma’am, Ma’am.
MO – Yeah, it’s funny how you forget how things used to be when you could just say something without being afraid.
AG – Oh, it’s good that you said that but I don’t think you mean it because it’s much better now that we don’t say anything that A-oh-see says is bad. It’s real, good.
MO – That’s right, it’s real, good. But last week when she was denouncing honey because it was stolen from bees, she got so excited from screaming that her eyes were extra bulged out and I thought maybe her blood pressure might be reaching maybe five hundred or something, mumble, mumble, mumble…
(Al Gore looking panicky and grabbing his box and heading for the door)
AG – I better be getting on, but can you let A-oh-see know that I got her corn flour that she likes so much? Can you tell her it was me who got it specially for her?
MO – I sure will Al. But don’t worry she hates you much less than most other white men.
Scene 4 – Same farmhouse, upstairs where Barack Obama is putting on his tie for the party. He looks in the mirror and sees A-oh-see staring at him in her friendliest cross-eyed frown.
BO – Oh, hi there, A-oh-see. It’s good that you were standing behind so quiet like.
AOC – None of the other congress persons came to play with me today. I wanted congress persons to play with today.
BO – Yes, it’s good that you wanted them to come but last time you denounced Debbie Wasserman Schultz to the Congressional Black Caucus as a Zionist collaborator and they shaved her head and painted it red. Folks were awful upset about that.
AOC – But I want to play with other congress persons.
BO – Tell you what, we’ll invite some of the rinos. They’ll be so grateful just for being asked that they’ll come even if you do denounce them. they’re used to it anyway. Anyway, A-oh-see everybody loves you. You’re everybody’s favorite.
AOC – But I remember one time that somebody thought bad things about me. I can’t remember who it was. Who was that?
BO – Oh, that was Joe Crowley, after you beat him in the primary. He said you weren’t qualified. But don’t worry, Michelle had the FBI and the IRS defenestrate him so he won’t bother you anymore.
AOC – That’s right Joe Crowley, he was a bad white man, a very bad white man. I hate anybody who doesn’t do what I want.
BO – But everybody loves you A-oh-see, you’re everybody’s favorite. Now come on, let’s get ready for the party.
To be continued …