Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Jim Acosta, CNN – (JA); Major Garrett, CBS News – (MG); Hallie Jackson, NBC News – (HJ); Cecilia Vega, ABC News – (CV); Al Drago, New York Times – (AD)
White House Press Corps Briefing Room; Wednesday 3pm
(President Trump is at the podium and is flanked by Secret Service Agents holding cardboard boxes.)
PT – Good afternoon Fake News Corps and welcome to the first White House news briefing since I’ve instituted the new rules. I will now walk you through them.
First, each of you will be issued your own personalized microphone. This microphone is only active when you hold it and the President or the Press Secretary has authorized your turn to question. Your biometric information has been programmed into the unit. It will only act as a microphone if you yourself are holding it. Utilizing sound isolation software it will only broadcast your voice. Also, if anyone else attempts to use your microphone within this room or if you attempt to use it out of turn, it will administer a significant electric shock to the holder. Each subsequent attempt at unauthorized use will increase the voltage significantly until it reaches the legal limit. After that point you probably will drop into a fetal position and call for your mommy.
Bob and Mitch will hand out the microphones and we’ll get started.
(Secret Service hands out the microphones and return to the dais)
PT – Okay let’s see who’s first. How about you Major?
MG – Sir, Major Garrett, CBS News.
PT – Yeah, I know Major, I said your name. What’s your question?
MG – Mr. President, don’t you think this demeans the dignity of the White House Press Corps?
PT – You can’t demean that which does not exist. You next Hallie.
MG – As a foll… (suddenly screeching and swearing) YEEEAAAHHHH, son of a bitch!
PT – Major you weren’t next. Bet that stings though. Hallie, you’re next.
HJ – Uhhh, no questions at this time Mr. President.
PT – Oh, okay, how about you Cecilia?
CV – Mr. President, aren’t you afraid that this will send the wrong message to the American people?
PT – No Cecilia, I’m generally not afraid. Al Drago, any question?
AD – Mr. President, why are you resorting to these draconian measures? Don’t you trust the fourth estate to maintain decorum?
PT – Those are two questions but just this once I will answer them both but in reverse order. First, hah! Second, I have resorted to the use of dog training equipment because Jim Acosta has shown that he has the manners and the intellect of a fairly dull-witted chihuahua. You have a question Jim?
JA – I protest such a vile characterization of myself.
PT – That’s not a question. Major you’re next.
JA – How dare youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!
PT – That was a question Jim, but it wasn’t your turn.
MG – Can I give my question to Jim.
PT – No, but that was a question so Hallie we’re back to you.
HJ – Still no question sir.
PT – Cecilia?
CV – Uhhh, how are you enjoying the fall?
PT – Excellent, I’ve taken a couple of strokes off my golf game. And that brings us back to you Jim. Care to take another crack at it? But please try to follow the protocol, we just got the rug steam cleaned.
(Acosta looking nervously around and holding the microphone in his left hand)
JA – Which reporter do you consider the enemy of the American people?
PT – Certainly not you anymore Jim. You’re such a good boy! Catch the treat!