Joe Biden’s colon was successfully scoped today. Due to some fears about military doctors getting back at the Commander in Chief for the Afghan debacle the procedure was shifted away from Walter Reed Medical Center and to the local Duane Reade Pharmacy where Mr. Biden shops for his adult diaper supplies.
This colonoscopy wasn’t a regularly scheduled procedure but was strenuously requested by the State Department at the behest of the Vatican and British Monarchy. Both organizations had lodged protests against the US Government claiming treaty breaches on the biological warfare front. The voice message form the Papacy said, “Eeffa you letta that sumavabeetch back here again you betta make a sure he’s a not a gotta the blacka death a hidin’ a up there. Get a camera up a there you dopey bastardos.
Although the medical privacy acts protect release of the details of the procedure certain information was gleaned by interviewing some of the ancillary members of the surgical team. Team member Lloyd Bender who performs clean up in aisle four revealed that the scope discovered a large bolus of mummified gorgonzola cheese lodged in the presidential colon. Dislodging it proved difficult. Lloyd attested, “We tried pulling it out but it was the size of a bowling ball so you can guess that was a problem. By a stroke of luck, we had the Roto-Rooter guy in house working on a sewage line that was blocked. So, we asked him if he would do something for us if we kicked in another forty bucks and he was very obliging. So, he got the thing done. But he did say he’d have to get a new rig because the gorgonzola did a job on his setup. And not for nothing but we had to close shop because the stench was awful. But it’s done. And I never want to get involved in anything like that again.”
Mr. Biden seemed subdued after his ordeal and he was walking kind of funny but his press secretary Jen Psaki said that all rumors about foreign cheeses and commercial sewage line clearance equipment were greatly exaggerated. Later on today Mr. Biden felt himself sufficiently back to normal to make this short statement to the press, “My butt’s been wiped and is squeaky clean.”