James Carville, the “Ragin’ Cajun” carnival barker of democratic political advisors, this week counselled President Joe Biden to adopt a radical strategy to restore his presidency, medically induced coma. The ingenious plan came to Carville when he analyzed micro polls that are taken every second of the day on the interwebs and register the meaningless momentary thoughts of very stupid people who constantly click on web polls. During Dementia Joe’s colonoscopy Carville noted that Biden’s job approval trended continuously upward from 12.0% to a mind-boggling 12.6%. Interestingly during this same time period when Kamala Harris was the de facto President of the United States her job approval rating went from 1.6% to 0.1%.
Carville immediately saw the possibilities and crafted the plan. He advised Sleepy Joe to have himself placed in a medically induced coma for the remainder of his term in office. By November of 2024 Carville calculated that Biden’s approval rating will be approximately 124.3%. This should guarantee his reelection and allow him the mandate he’ll need to fundamentally transform the United States, again.
But when the plan was approved and announced to the Biden cabinet it spawned a firestorm of outrage. Kamala Harris screamed, “He’s not leaving me holding the bag on this turkey of an administration. I’ll beat him to the punch. I’m gonna coma this afternoon.” And just like that every member of the administration in the chain of succession to the presidency rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center to be induced into medical comas. The only mishap was with Speaker Pelosi. While setting up the IV, a few drops of her blood came in contact with a spark and because of the high alcohol content there was a flash back in which the Speaker of the House was incinerated.
This brilliant strategy has had one drawback. Once the chain reaction of comas subsided it was discovered that the presidential succession devolved onto Cletus Burbank, the night janitor at the White House. But the amazing thing is that despite Carville’s data once Burbank was installed as president his job approval rating soared to 94.1%. When contacted to account for this anomalous success, interim President Burbank stated, “I make sure all the doors are locked before I leave in the morning and all the toilets are cleaned and have a roll of paper. Everything else is somebody else’s problem, if you know what I mean.”
Republican strategists are working feverishly to counter this brilliant ploy and vow to have both the Republican members of Congress and the Republican Supreme Court appointees under medical comas within the week. Mitch McConnel was heard to say, “If those bastards think we’ll take this lying down … well I guess they’re right. Because I suppose you have to lie down when you’re in a coma.”
The upshot of this phenomenon in Washington is that the federal government has ground to a virtual standstill. Coincidentally, GDP has soared and crime has dipped to its lowest level in 100 years. No one in the government was available for comment.