Scene 1 – White House Residence / 2 a.m.
Biden – Holy Crap! I think this thing is for real. They know everything I’ve done and why I did it. My only hope is to win the 2024 election and win over the American people. I know. I’ll say all that MAGA stuff. The rubes eat that up. All I’ve got to do is freshen up my “Scranton Joe” act and I’ll be back on easy street.
Ghost of Biden Present – That’s what you think.
Biden – Donald Trump? What are you doing here? I thought I was going to meet the Ghost of Biden Present.
Ghost of Biden Present – I’m here because I’m going to be the Ghost of Biden Present.
Biden – Oh come on man! That’s not fair!
Ghost of Biden Present – Why would a crooked rat like you get treated fair? I got the job because I told them I’d twist the knife every chance I got. Believe me when I say no one is looking to help you, Joe. The only friends you’ve got are paid and that doesn’t exactly guarantee loyalty.
Biden – Look Donald. None of that stuff we’ve been doing to you is personal. Garland is just following the law. It’s completely by the books.
Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t waste your time. I’m here to show you what people really think of you.
Biden – Well, that’s all just a partisan exercise. Your voters are against me and mine are for me.
Ghost of Biden Present – You haven’t been paying attention to the polls or the social media sites. You’re about as popular a herpes.
Biden – Which kind?
Ghost of Biden Present – Both. Even the 25% of people who say they’ll vote for you are holding their noses to do it.
Biden – I don’t believe you. There are millions of Americans who love and trust “good old uncle Joe.”
Ghost of Biden Present – Well, we’re going to go out tonight and let you talk to the people.
Biden – Should I hold onto your sleeve and we’ll be whisked along through the air?
Ghost of Biden Present – No we’re taking the front door and walking down Pennsylvania Avenue.
(Exit)
Scene 2 – Washington D.C.
Biden – What are all these homeless encampments doing in the capitol of the greatest country on Earth?
Ghost of Biden Present – You put them there, numb nuts. These are all the people who’ve been displaced since you opened up the border and let illegal immigrants and fentanyl flood the country.
Biden – My border policy is smart, humane and very popular with the American people.
Ghost of Biden Present – Really? Let’s test out your theory.
(Trump whistles loudly on his fingers and addresses the crowd.)
Hey folks, here’s “President” Biden. He wants to get your opinions on his border policy.
Random Homeless Man – It’s really him. Let’s get him!
Biden – (As he’s being dragged away by his heels and kicked in the head and ribs by the murderous crowd)
Donald, Donald don’t leave me here. Get me out of here before they murder me. How can I learn my lesson if I’m dead.
Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t worry Joe. You can’t be killed in this little demonstration.
Biden – What do you mean? Those kicks hurt!
Ghost of Biden Present – No the beating will hurt like a bastard for sure. But you won’t die. That way it can go on for a very long time. I’ll see you later Joey, much later.
Biden – Help Trump, help! Don’t leave me here!
Folks, ouch, we’ll build back better together, ow, Bidenomics is making this the most robust economy in the world, ah, the green economy is lifting all boats, Ahhhhhhhhhh!
(Exit)