Today I was on a videoconference with the Board of Directors of the ShatnerKhan Corporation. These august gentlemen and I began the initial planning of this great enterprise. I must tell you, just knowing that ShatnerKhan II would happen despite the COVID-19 Plague was indeed exciting. It would be like a shining beacon in the inky blackness of cultural hiatus that this quarantine has engendered. It would bring hope and purpose to a weary nation. It might even save countless lives by giving these poor souls the will to throw off the deadly clutches of this sinovirus. “Ad astra per aspera.”
So, it was kind of fun talking about something so frivolous and light hearted. No life and death diseases, no do or die elections just the foibles of that demigod of bad acting William Shatner. We committed ourselves to a much more organized effort. As you might remember ShatnerKhan I was an impromptu gathering with almost no planning, preparation or notice. And most importantly not nearly enough time was spent on the menu for the event. For as I’ve often stated ShatnerKhan is mostly an excuse to eat highly indigestible but exquisitely delicious and altogether splendiferous food. So, I extracted this promise that the first thing to be fixed was the menu. I am a reasonable man and will not prevent whatever personal favorites the Board requests. All I ask is that dill pickles, corned beef, pastrami, pumpernickel bread, potato salad and good brown mustard are lavishly provided. There was talk of all kinds of delicacies but we’ll see what they decide on. I know that sausage and peppers, eggplant parmigiana and panko coated drumsticks were mentioned but I also know that Chinese food was listed at one point. Well, at such an intellectually challenging event the sages need to keep up their strength somehow.
Moving onto the agenda we discussed how best to avoid burnout from the sheer volume of Shatneriana that was available for review. It was decided that we would extract the quintessence of Shatner goodness from each historical record and in this way reduce the time needed to review it. This will require great amounts of preparatory work. And it will also require much greater technical skill than is currently at the disposal of the Board. For I must confess that when it comes to digital expertise, we are blithering idiots. But this aspect I’ve taken on myself to explore. But the idea is to have a live stream that will capture us bloviating on the various scenes we are critiquing. Of course, to maintain anonymity we will be masked. I suggested Shatner masks. I understand that the mask that the Michael Myers character wore in Halloween was actually based in some way on William Shatner’s face. Whether this is true or not I have also been tasked to look into the masks and other props needed for the event. It was suggested that I find a three-dimensional chess board and a Vulcan lyre like the ones that Spock employed during various episodes of the original series. While I’m at it why don’t I look for Shatner’s missing hairline? But I digress.
There was a discussion about inviting the great man himself to this great homage to his name. But we were reminded that he’s eighty-nine and also fabulously wealthy. But we may invite him anyway. My guess is he won’t be too pleased by our take on his career and talents. But who knows? I thought maybe we should contact Kevin Pollack. After all he’s fairly famously for imitating Shatner. As you can see, bull was flung pretty freely at this meeting but it was quite stimulating talking about the event. As far as timing the earliest it would be held is midsummer. But based on the current crisis it might also be closer to September. When asked by the Board if the readers of Orion’s Cold Fire could be a source for ideas for the gathering, I said I thought it very well might be. I know of at least one reader who has shown enthusiasm for the idea and I think there is the potential for a collaborative effort where local groups could participate in the live streaming and eat equally indigestible, delicious and splendiferous food. Of course, they’ll have to provide their own masks and food but the spirit of bright camaraderie will more than pay for the foodstuffs needed.
So, I’m throwing it out to the audience. If you have any ideas practical or ridiculous that should be brought to the attention of the Board and if you have interest in remote link up during such an absurd venture leave a comment or send an e-mail and I’ll make sure you’re kept in the loop when any actual information is available.