He’s a Rocket Man – Shatner Rejected by Space and Hurled Back to Earth

Jeff Bezos and William Shatner travelled a few time higher than a jet plane goes and then parachuted down to Earth and pretended that made them astronauts.

Watching the video I was pretty depressed that the once vaunted space program has been reduced to this, billionaires and moribund tv actors popping champagne bottles after accomplishing a tiny fraction of what was done more than fifty years ago by real pioneers.

But for Shatner I’ll allow that he has made Captain Kirk just slightly less fake.

Khaaaaaaan!!!!!!!

 

 

Jeff Bezos Plans to Kill Shatner in Space

Hat Tip to One of the ShatnerKhan founders for passing this along to me.  Apparently Jeff Bezos wants to turn Bill Shatner into an actual Rocket Man.  But I have to assume he also intends to turn the fat, bald, 90 year old Shatner into a corpse.  Could his corpse be ejected in low Earth orbit and allowed to crash back into Earth?  Imagine the surprise of some family if Shatner crashes through their roof and is deposited in their living room, maybe as they are actually watching an episode of Star Trek!  This truly is an age of miracles and wonder.

William Shatner – A Demigod of Bad Acting

ShatnerKhan 1 – Part 1

A Horrible Injustice Has Occurred!

Yesterday was William Shatner’s 90th Birthday and I missed it!  Excusing myself by pleading COVID vaccination side effects would be a pathetic lie.  I have no good reason.  Forgive me Bill, I knew not what I did.  Well, I will atone for this sin.  I promise very soon to provide a ShatnerKhan update and provide some very shatnerian widom.

Meanwhile follow the link.

05OCT2020 – OCF Update – photog Bound

Regular readers of OCF will have been dismayed at the low output for the last couple of days.  Shameful as it is to admit, the day job is interfering with my work here on the site.  As tragic as it is it will be short lived.  After Wednesday I will have a very long break that will allow me to bloviate to my heart’s content.

In the meantime, I’ll produce as much content in the next couple of days as is humanly possible while simultaneously being beaten like a red-headed stepchild or whipped like an army mule.  Working where I do is akin to being an orc.  But not one of the really cool orcs like the Uruk Hai, more like the morgul rat types that grumble and complain and are constantly whipped by the non-commissioned officer orcs that always overhear them grumbling.

The President has once again befuddled his critics and seems to have dodged the COVID bullet and now claims he’s feeling better than he has in twenty years.  What the hell!  Where’s my dose of dexamethasone?  I could really use a dose of “twenty-years-younger” right about now.  Oh well, he is the leader of the free world, if there is a free world anymore.

As an aside ShatnerKhan III will occur this Saturday and as a major change of pace, there will not be any pastrami or corned beef.  There was a decision to go with homemade sausage.  There will apparently be both regular Italian sweet sausage and a specialty thin Italian sausage called cervellata that was much in demand in Brooklyn back when there were Italian neighborhoods in Brooklyn.  Of course it isn’t pronounced anything like it’s spelled thanks to the magic of southern dialectical Italian.  It sounds more like shivrelod.  But if you told that to one of the guys from the old country they’d claim you weren’t hearing it correctly.  Yeah right!

It has been speculated that ShatnerKhan has degenerated into an excuse for eating fattening foods.  I would argue that is actually an upgrade.  Be that as it may, we will be breaking new ground exploring a little known gem from Shatner’s middle period called The Devil’s Rain (1975).  Just listen to this summary and look at the cast.

A satanist cult leader is burnt alive by the local church. He vows to come back to hunt down and enslave every descendant of his congregation, by the power of the book of blood contracts, in which they sold their souls to the devil.

Starring Ernest Borgnine, Eddie Albert, Ida Lupino

You might think this could be a good horror movie.  You might be wrong.  To round out the program we’ll be watching a favorite Star Trek episode to be decided by popular acclaim, listening to some of Shatner’s latest spoken word songs and watching a particularly disturbing interview that includes Shatner and Mike Tyson threatening each other with death.

In addition to sausage and peppers sandwiches there will be  pumpkin, coconut custard and apple pies a la mode, various sweets and coffee.  Camera girl offered a fruit salad as a healthy choice but we’re going with mounds bars and M&Ms.  Considering the age and weight profile of the audience there may be casualties.

There was a discussion about live streaming our comments on The Devil’s Rain but in order to maintain anonymity I purchased multiple copies of the mask that Michael Myers wore in Halloween.  This mask is supposedly based on a mold of William Shatner’s face.

After wearing one for thirty seconds I don’t think this will work out.  I also have my doubts about our technical ability to perform a live stream.  But some enthusiasm still exists.

Strange and stranger things are happening wherever you look but I contend we need to have some fun in the midst of this so bear with me.  I’ll be back to share some serious thoughts soon but right now chaos reigns here at the compound.

29SEP2020 – OCF Update

Well, where are we?

Tonight, is the first Presidential Debate.  The level of insanity that will be on display should be breathtaking.  I remember Biden in his debates against Sarah Palin and Paul Ryan.  He never lets truth or even common-sense stand in the way of saying something Biden.  His creepiness should be on full display.  But the big mystery is whether he is coherent or not.  Apparently, there are some drugs that can be used to lift a dementia patient up out of the fog.  If Joe seems sharp, not intelligent but sharp, then we’ll have to assume they’ve got him doped up.  Either that or he dogged it during the whole earlier part of his campaign.  Either way watching the debate should be interesting.

A month or so before Election Day and indications are that voter fraud through mail in ballots is going to be a wholesale business.  It’s going to be interesting to see if the adjudication of this election ends at the Supreme Court or goes way beyond that.  From the things I’m hearing this may turn into a freak show where voting levels go to unheard of levels and the whole process goes off the rails.  That sounds like something that could cause a very serious reaction from both sides.  The Left is already occupying the street in many blue locales.  If unrest occurs in places like Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin then armed conflict cannot be ruled out.

Florida has ended the COVID precautions and raised the all clear signal for its citizens.  This should be an interesting moment.  If two or three weeks down the road the daily death rate remains the same it will be an indicator that the other rational areas can do the same.  And it’s none too soon as far as I’m concerned.  The holidays are coming soon and I’d like to think this lockdown will end before Christmas.  New England will be the last to relent but at least if there are some early examples it will build impatience among the sane to pressure the authorities to wake up and smell the coffee.

I keep threatening to do some of my photo retrospectives but the day job has been keeping me busy.  But in about a week, things will definitely improve and I’ll keep some of my promises.  Insects are the first subject.  But hopefully I’ll have a foliage group and some other things too.  And I haven’t forgotten my promise to do a report on what I learned about photographing hummingbirds.

I still have another Olivier Shakespeare play (Othello) to review and I will continue on through the Star Trek series no matter how painful it becomes.  The powers that be are threatening to inflict ShatnerKhan III on an unsuspecting world.  I have been trying to figure out a way to live blog or make a podcast out of it.  Because of this I have purchased multiple copies of the Shatner mask that the Michael Myers character wore during the Halloween movies to allow for anonymity during the video.  This is an indication that ShatnerKhan has now descended into the madness that we knew it eventually would.  But since the food is well worth it, we expect to continue the series well into double figures.

And as promised I’m recruiting some other writers for the site.  And I like the change.  Not only because it takes some of the pressure off me to write but also because other voices make the site more interesting and generally better.  And I’m still looking for more writers.  If you or someone you know has some content to share leave a comment here or send an e-mail to orionscoldfire “at” charter.net and let me know.  And don’t restrict yourself to politics.  Anything interesting will be considered.

ShatnerKhan II – Pastrami in the Time of Plague

Several weeks ago, and in a mysterious half-mythical locale like Middle Earth or Camelot, but with better Wi-Fi, I attended the second annual ShatnerKhan.  As was specified in my contract, there was New York pastrami and other deli selections to make bearable the task of viewing an intense selection of Shatneriana.  Up front I will state it was barely sufficient to cushion my system from the brutal shocks of what was to come.

After the rigors of ShatnerKhan I, I had assumed that the membership would have retreated from the danger zone of forbidden Shatner and played it safe with an agenda restricted to Star Trek and Twilight Zone standards.  That was not the case.  Like the fictional Gamesters of Triskelion these risk takers wouldn’t settle for trifles like quatloos or CBS science fiction episodes.  They were hunting for big game.  And they started it off by firing with both barrels.

In my youth I remember seeing a commercial that featured a young-looking William Shatner dressed up as Alexander the Great.  Even as a child I knew there was something wrong with that picture.  Luckily, I was spared finding out how wrong it was until ShatnerKhan II.

I don’t remember if this was a CBS or NBC made for tv movie.  Whatever it was I can tell you it was awful.  It was as if the producers were looking for the perfect formula to guarantee that this project would crash and burn like nothing before or since.  Think of it, they teamed up Bill Shatner and Adam “Batman” West and put them in dresses, really embarrassingly short dresses.  Then they had them riding around on horses and generally pretending to fight a war.  They threw in John Cassavetes and Joseph Cotten just to try to butch it up a little but after twenty minutes I begged for mercy.  It was just too horrendously bad.  I asked for some kind of change of pace just to help me shrug off the effects of that nightmare.  I was allowed to choose “The Doomsday Machine.”

Here my feet were back under me.  I had just reviewed the show recently and felt like I was back in the company of an old friend.  I could hum along to the danger theme of that episode.

Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt

Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt

Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt

Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt

Dehduntduntdunt, dehduntduntdunt

Duhdeduhdeduhduhdehhhhh!

 

There was the Bill Shatner I was comfortable making fun of.  There was Bill Shatner wearing pants.  Sure, he might take his shirt off once in a while or have it ripped off of him in a fight but he was consistently dressed like a man.  With everything back to normal I declared a break and we broke out the vanilla ice cream, Mounds Bars and salted cashews.  This provided just the right amount of sugar shock for us to actually discuss what we had watched without really caring what we were talking about.  It was a great success.

With the last of the cocoanut and chocolate washed down with crème soda I thought I was ready for whatever would be next.  After all, having survived Alexander the Great I didn’t think there was anything left in Shatner’s resume to worry about.  Boy, was I wrong.

Shatner is known for talk-sing covering songs by other singers.  But I had never heard him in a duet.  I wish I could still say that.  I was bombarded by something so pathetic that I can’t even describe it.  Words fail me.  You’ll have to judge for yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J648lr8cjuw

It was like some kind of Lovecraftian horror that leaves you gibbering and disoriented.  I just sat there and let the rest of the group steer the choice of videos without me.  I think we watched Amok Time but I’m really not sure.  It was all hazy.  I was like some kind of disaster survivor sleep walking through the wreckage of my mind.

When I finally started to come around, I was sitting at a table with a cup of coffee and a slab of ice cream cake.  The world started to come back into focus.  When the discussion returned to Shatner, I noticed that there was no mention of what we had witnessed.  I could tell that none of us wanted to acknowledge that we had allowed ShatnerKhan II to overstep the bounds of sanity and even break the bonds of normal space-time.  We had let it get away from us and we all knew we had been lucky that we hadn’t summoned up some horrible presence from “out there.”  Sitting here in the safety of my living room I can contemplate something like that but what if it had happened?  What if a fat Korean guy in a bowl haircut and ancient Bill Shatner sweating and talking into his wireless microphone had broken through the space time continuum and suddenly appeared before us singing, “A Total Eclipse of the Heart.”  Very probably the whole multiverse would have exploded forming a big bang across all the universes there are.  I can’t be responsible for that.  I can’t let that happen, not on my watch!

I’m going to need a kill switch for ShatnerKhan III.  That’s the only way it’s going to happen.  And I’m going to need a lot of corned beef and mustard too.

Shatner Does it Again

Not since his triumph singing “Rocketman” has the listening world been electrified by such deeply moving talk-singing.  Be prepared to be shatnered.

I have held off posting the proceedings of the recently held ShatnerKhan II.  I hope my time off this week allows me to chronicle the vitally important results of this scholarly event.

 

The Unholy Inception of ShatnerKhan II

Today I was on a videoconference with the Board of Directors of the ShatnerKhan Corporation.  These august gentlemen and I began the initial planning of this great enterprise.  I must tell you, just knowing that ShatnerKhan II would happen despite the COVID-19 Plague was indeed exciting.  It would be like a shining beacon in the inky blackness of cultural hiatus that this quarantine has engendered.  It would bring hope and purpose to a weary nation.  It might even save countless lives by giving these poor souls the will to throw off the deadly clutches of this sinovirus.  “Ad astra per aspera.”

So, it was kind of fun talking about something so frivolous and light hearted.  No life and death diseases, no do or die elections just the foibles of that demigod of bad acting William Shatner.  We committed ourselves to a much more organized effort.  As you might remember ShatnerKhan I was an impromptu gathering with almost no planning, preparation or notice.  And most importantly not nearly enough time was spent on the menu for the event.  For as I’ve often stated ShatnerKhan is mostly an excuse to eat highly indigestible but exquisitely delicious and altogether splendiferous food.  So, I extracted this promise that the first thing to be fixed was the menu.  I am a reasonable man and will not prevent whatever personal favorites the Board requests.  All I ask is that dill pickles, corned beef, pastrami, pumpernickel bread, potato salad and good brown mustard are lavishly provided.  There was talk of all kinds of delicacies but we’ll see what they decide on.  I know that sausage and peppers, eggplant parmigiana and panko coated drumsticks were mentioned but I also know that Chinese food was listed at one point.  Well, at such an intellectually challenging event the sages need to keep up their strength somehow.

Moving onto the agenda we discussed how best to avoid burnout from the sheer volume of Shatneriana that was available for review.  It was decided that we would extract the quintessence of Shatner goodness from each historical record and in this way reduce the time needed to review it.  This will require great amounts of preparatory work.  And it will also require much greater technical skill than is currently at the disposal of the Board.  For I must confess that when it comes to digital expertise, we are blithering idiots.  But this aspect I’ve taken on myself to explore.  But the idea is to have a live stream that will capture us bloviating on the various scenes we are critiquing.  Of course, to maintain anonymity we will be masked.  I suggested Shatner masks.  I understand that the mask that the Michael Myers character wore in Halloween was actually based in some way on William Shatner’s face.  Whether this is true or not I have also been tasked to look into the masks and other props needed for the event.  It was suggested that I find a three-dimensional chess board and a Vulcan lyre like the ones that Spock employed during various episodes of the original series.  While I’m at it why don’t I look for Shatner’s missing hairline?  But I digress.

There was a discussion about inviting the great man himself to this great homage to his name.  But we were reminded that he’s eighty-nine and also fabulously wealthy.  But we may invite him anyway.  My guess is he won’t be too pleased by our take on his career and talents.  But who knows?  I thought maybe we should contact Kevin Pollack.  After all he’s fairly famously for imitating Shatner.  As you can see, bull was flung pretty freely at this meeting but it was quite stimulating talking about the event.  As far as timing the earliest it would be held is midsummer.  But based on the current crisis it might also be closer to September.  When asked by the Board if the readers of Orion’s Cold Fire could be a source for ideas for the gathering, I said I thought it very well might be.  I know of at least one reader who has shown enthusiasm for the idea and I think there is the potential for a collaborative effort where local groups could participate in the live streaming and eat equally indigestible, delicious and splendiferous food.  Of course, they’ll have to provide their own masks and food but the spirit of bright camaraderie will more than pay for the foodstuffs needed.

So, I’m throwing it out to the audience.  If you have any ideas practical or ridiculous that should be brought to the attention of the Board and if you have interest in remote link up during such an absurd venture leave a comment or send an e-mail and I’ll make sure you’re kept in the loop when any actual information is available.

22MAR2020 – OCF Update – Locked Down in New England and Annoyingly Upbeat

Don’t ask me why but for reasons unknown I am disgustingly cheerful today.  It can’t be the temperature because it was 20F this morning and that’s not spring in my book.  Maybe it’s the sunshine and the increased daylight hours.  But whatever the cause I haven’t got any angst to distribute this morning.  What’s a prophet of doom to do?  So, I’ll use my COVID-19 lockdown leisure time today to walk the prison yard, shank a few of my enemies with a shiv, or shiv them with a shank and start a new tunnel to freedom.

I was looking around at a number of science sites talking about quinine derivatives that might be a component of an effective COVID-19 treatment and a couple of interesting things emerged.

  • The first is that there is some pretty good evidence that chloroquine and azithromycin is effective in preventing COVID-19 infected people from developing life threatening pneumonia.
  • The second is that many people in the pharmaceutical industry hate Trump so much that they are angry that he may get credit for pushing a successful treatment forward in a timely manner.

I work with a lot of technical types and they are mostly anti-Trump.  There will be a fair amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth if the President gets credit for shortening the pandemic to something manageable.  These people really are almost gleeful in the face of a looming depression.  That’s how much they despise the President and, by extension, how much they despise us.

Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m optimistic and cheerful today.  I think the therapy being mentioned is going to be effective at lowering the death rate to a very minimal level and allow the rest of us to get back to work.  Boy, that would piss off a lot of people I know.  Good.

This week I expect some more movie reviews and possibly music reviews.  I also feel it is time for a political satire.  What exactly it will entail is hard to say sonce there are so many targets to choose from.  I think I’m overdue to put together a description of the current state of Sony mirrorless photography and identify the much smaller number of holes in the system that exist currently.  And going along with my recent defense of Western Civilization, I think I’ll have a post giving my take on outreach to the various groups that are assumed to be wholly owned subsidiaries of the Democrat party.  I mean, some of those people, women especially, probably haven’t heard a conservative argument about anything in their whole lives.  We may be able to do some recruiting.

And on the photo side I’m going to do a few more focus stacks.  I was at a standstill this week because suddenly my computer thought my camera was a storage device and not a camera and so I couldn’t use the software that allows remote control.  I found that the only thing that fixed the problem was reloading the drivers for the USB devices.  Of course, it is a little chilly for outdoor focus stack work but I am a martyr for my art.

Finally, a suggestion came up during the preliminary planning for ShatnerKhan II.  It was hinted that maybe the program could include non-Shatner-related themes.  It seemed like heresy to me but I said I would consider it.  I throw it out to the readership if this is anathema or is it the natural evolution.  I think the only way to even consider this is if deep theoretical research is done in advance to justify the validity of non-Shatner content.  I foresee the need for enormous quantities of deli meats and potato salad to even begin this kind of philosophical discussion.  What do you think?

So good morning my fellow prisoners of the COVID-19 gulag.  We have nothing to lose but our chains so have a fun day.