All the Secrets of the Universe and Some Really Important Stuff Too!
Watching the video I was pretty depressed that the once vaunted space program has been reduced to this, billionaires and moribund tv actors popping champagne bottles after accomplishing a tiny fraction of what was done more than fifty years ago by real pioneers.
But for Shatner I’ll allow that he has made Captain Kirk just slightly less fake.
Khaaaaaaan!!!!!!!
Hat Tip to One of the ShatnerKhan founders for passing this along to me. Apparently Jeff Bezos wants to turn Bill Shatner into an actual Rocket Man. But I have to assume he also intends to turn the fat, bald, 90 year old Shatner into a corpse. Could his corpse be ejected in low Earth orbit and allowed to crash back into Earth? Imagine the surprise of some family if Shatner crashes through their roof and is deposited in their living room, maybe as they are actually watching an episode of Star Trek! This truly is an age of miracles and wonder.
It has been brought to my attention that a film version of “The Color of Space,” one of the only good H.P. Lovecraft stories, was made last year and it starred Nick Cage. I vowed I would watch, no matter how bad. And to get my self in the mood to appreciate this cinematic experience, I watched a very funny SNL skit from back in 2012 when the show was only mostly bad.
Here’s the trailer for this magnum opus. How could it go wrong?
Yesterday was William Shatner’s 90th Birthday and I missed it! Excusing myself by pleading COVID vaccination side effects would be a pathetic lie. I have no good reason. Forgive me Bill, I knew not what I did. Well, I will atone for this sin. I promise very soon to provide a ShatnerKhan update and provide some very shatnerian widom.
Meanwhile follow the link.
Several weeks ago, and in a mysterious half-mythical locale like Middle Earth or Camelot, but with better Wi-Fi, I attended the second annual ShatnerKhan. As was specified in my contract, there was New York pastrami and other deli selections to make bearable the task of viewing an intense selection of Shatneriana. Up front I will state it was barely sufficient to cushion my system from the brutal shocks of what was to come.
After the rigors of ShatnerKhan I, I had assumed that the membership would have retreated from the danger zone of forbidden Shatner and played it safe with an agenda restricted to Star Trek and Twilight Zone standards. That was not the case. Like the fictional Gamesters of Triskelion these risk takers wouldn’t settle for trifles like quatloos or CBS science fiction episodes. They were hunting for big game. And they started it off by firing with both barrels.
In my youth I remember seeing a commercial that featured a young-looking William Shatner dressed up as Alexander the Great. Even as a child I knew there was something wrong with that picture. Luckily, I was spared finding out how wrong it was until ShatnerKhan II.
I don’t remember if this was a CBS or NBC made for tv movie. Whatever it was I can tell you it was awful. It was as if the producers were looking for the perfect formula to guarantee that this project would crash and burn like nothing before or since. Think of it, they teamed up Bill Shatner and Adam “Batman” West and put them in dresses, really embarrassingly short dresses. Then they had them riding around on horses and generally pretending to fight a war. They threw in John Cassavetes and Joseph Cotten just to try to butch it up a little but after twenty minutes I begged for mercy. It was just too horrendously bad. I asked for some kind of change of pace just to help me shrug off the effects of that nightmare. I was allowed to choose “The Doomsday Machine.”
Here my feet were back under me. I had just reviewed the show recently and felt like I was back in the company of an old friend. I could hum along to the danger theme of that episode.
Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt
Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt
Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt
Dahdunt, dahdunt, dehdunt, dehdunt
Dehduntduntdunt, dehduntduntdunt
Duhdeduhdeduhduhdehhhhh!
There was the Bill Shatner I was comfortable making fun of. There was Bill Shatner wearing pants. Sure, he might take his shirt off once in a while or have it ripped off of him in a fight but he was consistently dressed like a man. With everything back to normal I declared a break and we broke out the vanilla ice cream, Mounds Bars and salted cashews. This provided just the right amount of sugar shock for us to actually discuss what we had watched without really caring what we were talking about. It was a great success.
With the last of the cocoanut and chocolate washed down with crème soda I thought I was ready for whatever would be next. After all, having survived Alexander the Great I didn’t think there was anything left in Shatner’s resume to worry about. Boy, was I wrong.
Shatner is known for talk-sing covering songs by other singers. But I had never heard him in a duet. I wish I could still say that. I was bombarded by something so pathetic that I can’t even describe it. Words fail me. You’ll have to judge for yourself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J648lr8cjuw
It was like some kind of Lovecraftian horror that leaves you gibbering and disoriented. I just sat there and let the rest of the group steer the choice of videos without me. I think we watched Amok Time but I’m really not sure. It was all hazy. I was like some kind of disaster survivor sleep walking through the wreckage of my mind.
When I finally started to come around, I was sitting at a table with a cup of coffee and a slab of ice cream cake. The world started to come back into focus. When the discussion returned to Shatner, I noticed that there was no mention of what we had witnessed. I could tell that none of us wanted to acknowledge that we had allowed ShatnerKhan II to overstep the bounds of sanity and even break the bonds of normal space-time. We had let it get away from us and we all knew we had been lucky that we hadn’t summoned up some horrible presence from “out there.” Sitting here in the safety of my living room I can contemplate something like that but what if it had happened? What if a fat Korean guy in a bowl haircut and ancient Bill Shatner sweating and talking into his wireless microphone had broken through the space time continuum and suddenly appeared before us singing, “A Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Very probably the whole multiverse would have exploded forming a big bang across all the universes there are. I can’t be responsible for that. I can’t let that happen, not on my watch!
I’m going to need a kill switch for ShatnerKhan III. That’s the only way it’s going to happen. And I’m going to need a lot of corned beef and mustard too.
Not since his triumph singing “Rocketman” has the listening world been electrified by such deeply moving talk-singing. Be prepared to be shatnered.
I have held off posting the proceedings of the recently held ShatnerKhan II. I hope my time off this week allows me to chronicle the vitally important results of this scholarly event.
Today I was on a videoconference with the Board of Directors of the ShatnerKhan Corporation. These august gentlemen and I began the initial planning of this great enterprise. I must tell you, just knowing that ShatnerKhan II would happen despite the COVID-19 Plague was indeed exciting. It would be like a shining beacon in the inky blackness of cultural hiatus that this quarantine has engendered. It would bring hope and purpose to a weary nation. It might even save countless lives by giving these poor souls the will to throw off the deadly clutches of this sinovirus. “Ad astra per aspera.”
So, it was kind of fun talking about something so frivolous and light hearted. No life and death diseases, no do or die elections just the foibles of that demigod of bad acting William Shatner. We committed ourselves to a much more organized effort. As you might remember ShatnerKhan I was an impromptu gathering with almost no planning, preparation or notice. And most importantly not nearly enough time was spent on the menu for the event. For as I’ve often stated ShatnerKhan is mostly an excuse to eat highly indigestible but exquisitely delicious and altogether splendiferous food. So, I extracted this promise that the first thing to be fixed was the menu. I am a reasonable man and will not prevent whatever personal favorites the Board requests. All I ask is that dill pickles, corned beef, pastrami, pumpernickel bread, potato salad and good brown mustard are lavishly provided. There was talk of all kinds of delicacies but we’ll see what they decide on. I know that sausage and peppers, eggplant parmigiana and panko coated drumsticks were mentioned but I also know that Chinese food was listed at one point. Well, at such an intellectually challenging event the sages need to keep up their strength somehow.
Moving onto the agenda we discussed how best to avoid burnout from the sheer volume of Shatneriana that was available for review. It was decided that we would extract the quintessence of Shatner goodness from each historical record and in this way reduce the time needed to review it. This will require great amounts of preparatory work. And it will also require much greater technical skill than is currently at the disposal of the Board. For I must confess that when it comes to digital expertise, we are blithering idiots. But this aspect I’ve taken on myself to explore. But the idea is to have a live stream that will capture us bloviating on the various scenes we are critiquing. Of course, to maintain anonymity we will be masked. I suggested Shatner masks. I understand that the mask that the Michael Myers character wore in Halloween was actually based in some way on William Shatner’s face. Whether this is true or not I have also been tasked to look into the masks and other props needed for the event. It was suggested that I find a three-dimensional chess board and a Vulcan lyre like the ones that Spock employed during various episodes of the original series. While I’m at it why don’t I look for Shatner’s missing hairline? But I digress.
There was a discussion about inviting the great man himself to this great homage to his name. But we were reminded that he’s eighty-nine and also fabulously wealthy. But we may invite him anyway. My guess is he won’t be too pleased by our take on his career and talents. But who knows? I thought maybe we should contact Kevin Pollack. After all he’s fairly famously for imitating Shatner. As you can see, bull was flung pretty freely at this meeting but it was quite stimulating talking about the event. As far as timing the earliest it would be held is midsummer. But based on the current crisis it might also be closer to September. When asked by the Board if the readers of Orion’s Cold Fire could be a source for ideas for the gathering, I said I thought it very well might be. I know of at least one reader who has shown enthusiasm for the idea and I think there is the potential for a collaborative effort where local groups could participate in the live streaming and eat equally indigestible, delicious and splendiferous food. Of course, they’ll have to provide their own masks and food but the spirit of bright camaraderie will more than pay for the foodstuffs needed.
So, I’m throwing it out to the audience. If you have any ideas practical or ridiculous that should be brought to the attention of the Board and if you have interest in remote link up during such an absurd venture leave a comment or send an e-mail and I’ll make sure you’re kept in the loop when any actual information is available.
Say it ain’t so! Well, my real question is, “Was anybody actually asking?” Actually, eventually they would. The desperation in Hollywood will require even the deceased Star Trek actors to appear in later movies as digital zombies, kinda like poor Fred Astaire dancing with a broom in some vacuum cleaner advertisement. But Shatner is right. He’s outgrown Star Trek. He’s ready for Hamlet. Well, maybe Falstaff. He’s old and fat enough for it. But I kid, I kid. Shatner is one of the legends of early television and deserves all the attention and mockery we give him.
Hat tip to one of the Shat’s biggest fans for passing this along.
The Fat Man who is a hyper-vigilant researcher of all things Shatner sent this in to me. Imagine his horror when another of his idols, Peter Thiel, mocks the great one! Watch starting at 10:00.
Oh the horror. Utter blasphemy.
Landreau, coordinate!
Chemist is a long time reader of OCF and a self-avowed Shatner aficionado. He added this link to my last ShatnerKhan post and I just had to share it with the rest of the site viewers.
Enjoy.