Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS), Joe Biden (JB),
MS – It’s 19 minutes and ten to minus 23rd seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show. I’m Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that Joe Biden isn’t way ahead in the polls.
LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em. Get up in their grill!
MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish my thought.
LS – Certainly darling. I was just trying to add emphasis for emphasis. Okay?
MS – Okay.
LS – Okay.
Shmoe gives an involuntary shudder.
MS – Where was I? Oh yes. Some fly by night polling outfit calling itself Gallup, and boy that sounds like a made up name to me, claims that jailbird Trump is ahead of President Joe Biden nationally by ten points and ahead of him by significant margins in almost all of the critical swing states. This is obviously propaganda meant to undermine the confidence of the American people in advance of the upcoming 2024 election.
LS – Boo! Boo!! Hiss!! Hiss!!
MS – (Staring menacingly) Are you done?
LS – Oops, sorry.
MS – (under his breath) Give me strength. Anyway we’ve got President Joe Biden on a video chat and we’d like to have him clear the air about these phony polls.
A monitor behind the hosts projects the enormous image of the octogenarian politician which they turn to face.
MS – Hello Mr. President. How are you today sir?
JB – Hi Shmoe, I’m pretty good. I ate a little too much ice cream this morning so I’m trying to stay close to the bathroom for the next couple of hours. Purely as a precaution mind you. But otherwise I’m doing swell.
LS – Hi Mr. President. I hope you feel better!
JB – Thanks Lycra. My you’re looking cute as a button. I wish I could smell that shampoo I sent you. Mango papaya coconut dream is my favorite. Maybe you could come over later for a sniff. Boy you look good enough to bite! Grrrr. You remind me of a girl I knew back when I was a lifeguard. She was pretty as a button too. Back then they didn’t have the fruit scented shampoos like they have today. But she smelled good too.
LS – Oh Mr. President, how exciting that sounds. Maybe some other time.
MS – Ahem! As wonderful as that would be, we’re in New York and you’re in Washington so maybe we could just move along with our interview?
JB – C’mon man! I was just being friendly. Sure sure. Let’s move on. What can I tell you?
MS – Well, Mr. President, we wanted your thought about that erroneous report circulating this morning.
JB – Those are damned lies. I never took any money from the Chinese or the Ukrainians. No way. Now the Russians, well maybe. But why shouldn’t I take their money? We don’t like them right? That would be patriotic. And anyway, they can never prove it. I had the CIA scrub that stuff six ways to Sunday. And I spent all of it on that weekend at Hunter’s place. So, no way they’ve got anything on me.
MS – Uhhhh. No, we don’t want to talk about that. I’m talking about the polls. The ones that say Donald Trump is in the lead.
JB – Who? That dog-faced pony soldier? No way, no how. We fixed his wagon. You see I spoke to my old buddy Hatrack Barabbas, that sort of mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, and he told me that as long as Trump is only ahead by anything less than two million votes we can grind that out with fake absentee ballots over the course of a couple of days after election day. So no problem.
MS – Mr. President, we’re live on the air right now.
JB – Why you stupid son of a …
Suddenly the feed disappeared from the monitor and was replaced by a stock photo of the White House with the word, “oops” across the screen.
MS – Obviously the President was just demonstrating his puckish sense of humor. There is nothing “fake” about absentee ballots and anyone who claims that is obviously a stooge for Trump and Putin. But what President Biden was implying was that reliable pollsters have assured him and us that 2024 will be another amazing election year for Joe Biden.
LS – Oh, Shmoe isn’t it exciting. Joey, I mean President Biden, on election night smiling with his bright, bright teeth and his aviator shades, sniffing my hair and calling me cute as a button. You never say I’m cute as a button anymore.
Shmoe removes his earpiece and hurls it at Lycra and walks off the set.