Tag: Morning Shmoe

Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra

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Update:

I don’t normally revive an old post.  But this post from 2017 just seemed timely due to Joe and Mika’s recent antics.  It seems back then I spelled Schmoe without the c.  Well potato, patatta.

 

 

Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair.  He’s not beautiful like me.  I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.

MS – That’s right sweety.  But this is not about us.  It’s about this very bad man.

LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man.  And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

MS – Okay honey, let’s move on.  So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great.  We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together.  Every single blessed thing.      ….        And it’s great!   Really, really, really   …     great.

LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head.  Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week.  And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”

MS – Yeah that was great.  Really, really, really   …   great.

LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line.  Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show.  What would you like to say?

President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump.  I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me.  I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.

MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space.  But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.

PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.

MS – What’s that?

PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings?  Because if not then I don’t get it.  I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time?  I mean come on!  Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.

LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous.  Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way.  Shmoe loves to hear my opinions.  Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll.  And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed.  And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.

MS – I’m sorry folks but I’m out of time.    …  BANG.

PT – Thought so.

Morning Schmoe and Lycra Spandexy Bend the Knee to Trump

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I guess we all should have seen this coming.

Is there any lower form of life than Morning Schmoe?  The answer is a resounding no.  After attacking Trump for eight years he crawled on his belly and did obeisance.  And he even dragged his half-witted ditz along for moral support.

What’s next?  Will Keith Olbermann be the next lefty hack to wash up on the shore of Mar a Lago begging for forgiveness?  Has word gotten out that this is the only way to escape from right-wing death squads?  How about Rosie O’Donnell?

I don’t know.  The whole thing is so embarrassing.  The next thing you know Bruce Springsteen and Robert DeNiro will be seen wearing MAGA sweatshirts.  No self respect.

Morning Shmoe vs. The Biden Boondoggle

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Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS), Joe Biden (JB),

 

MS – It’s 19 minutes and ten to minus 23rd seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m  Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that Joe Biden isn’t way ahead in the polls.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em.  Get up in their grill!

MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish my thought.

LS – Certainly darling.  I was just trying to add emphasis for emphasis.  Okay?

MS – Okay.

LS – Okay.

Shmoe gives an involuntary shudder.

MS – Where was I?  Oh yes.  Some fly by night polling outfit calling itself Gallup, and boy that sounds like a made up name to me, claims that jailbird Trump is ahead of President Joe Biden nationally by ten points and ahead of him by significant margins in almost all of the critical swing states.  This is obviously propaganda meant to undermine the confidence of the American people in advance of the upcoming 2024 election.

LS – Boo!  Boo!!  Hiss!! Hiss!!

MS – (Staring menacingly) Are you done?

LS – Oops, sorry.

MS – (under his breath) Give me strength.  Anyway we’ve got President Joe Biden on a video chat and we’d like to have him clear the air about these phony polls.

A monitor behind the hosts projects the enormous image of the octogenarian politician which they turn to face.

MS – Hello Mr. President.  How are you today sir?

JB – Hi Shmoe, I’m pretty good.  I ate a little too much ice cream this morning so I’m trying to stay close to the bathroom for the next couple of hours.  Purely as a precaution mind you.  But otherwise I’m doing swell.

LS – Hi Mr. President.  I hope you feel better!

JB – Thanks Lycra.  My you’re looking cute as a button.  I wish I could smell that shampoo I sent you.  Mango papaya coconut dream is my favorite.  Maybe you could come over later for a sniff.  Boy you look good enough to bite!  Grrrr.  You remind me of a girl I knew back when I was a lifeguard.  She was pretty as a button too.  Back then they didn’t have the fruit scented shampoos like they have today.  But she smelled good too.

LS – Oh Mr. President, how exciting that sounds.  Maybe some other time.

MS – Ahem!  As wonderful as that would be, we’re in New York and you’re in Washington so maybe we could just move along with our interview?

JB – C’mon man!  I was just being friendly.  Sure sure.  Let’s move on.  What can I tell you?

MS – Well, Mr. President, we wanted your thought about that erroneous report circulating this morning.

JB – Those are damned lies.  I never took any money from the Chinese or the Ukrainians.  No way.  Now the Russians, well maybe.  But why shouldn’t I take their money?  We don’t like them right?  That would be patriotic.  And anyway, they can never prove it.  I had the CIA scrub that stuff six ways to Sunday.  And I spent all of it on that weekend at Hunter’s place.  So, no way they’ve got anything on me.

MS – Uhhhh.  No, we don’t want to talk about that.  I’m talking about the polls.  The ones that say Donald Trump is in the lead.

JB – Who?  That dog-faced pony soldier?  No way, no how.  We fixed his wagon.  You see I spoke to my old buddy Hatrack Barabbas, that sort of mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, and he told me that as long as Trump is only ahead by anything less than two million votes we can grind that out with fake absentee ballots over the course of a couple of days after election day.  So no problem.

MS – Mr. President, we’re live on the air right now.

JB – Why you stupid son of a …

Suddenly the feed disappeared from the monitor and was replaced by a stock photo of the White House with the word, “oops” across the screen.

MS – Obviously the President was just demonstrating his puckish sense of humor.  There is nothing “fake” about absentee ballots and anyone who claims that is obviously a stooge for Trump and Putin.  But what President Biden was implying was that reliable pollsters have assured him and us that 2024 will be another amazing election year for Joe Biden.

LS – Oh, Shmoe isn’t it exciting.  Joey, I mean President Biden, on election night smiling with his bright, bright teeth and his aviator shades, sniffing my hair and calling me cute as a button.  You never say I’m cute as a button anymore.

Shmoe removes his earpiece and hurls it at Lycra and walks off the set.

Morning Shmoe vs. The Deplorables

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Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS)

 

MS – It’s 18 minutes and 17.023 seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that the 2020 election was rigged.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em.  Let’em have it.

MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish!

LS – Sure, dear.  You go ahead I was just trying to cheer you on a little.  Okay?

MS – Okay.

LS – Okay.

MS – Woahh!.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, recently I took a call on this show from some neanderthal with the IQ of an angle worm who was trying to claim that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.  And when something like this happens, I become enraged.  This is the greatest country on the face of the earth with the greatest ballot counting people that have ever been.  Joe Burden was the greatest vice president under that greatest of all presidents Hatrack Barabbas back in the great days of this great republic.  And now he’s the greatest president of this great time.  His ability to wear a mask and tell other people to wear masks has made him a legend.  And when some ignoramus tries to claim that such a great man would be involved in anything as underhanded and unheard of as election fraud, well I can’t even describe how angry I become.

LS – Try Shmoe, try!  Tell us how mad you are.  Describe your righteous anger.

MS – Dear! …  Please, please, stop interrupting me.

LS – But I was just trying …

MS – I know what you were just trying to do.  But what you actually did was interrupt my train of thought.

LS – So I derailed your train of thought!  You’ve gone off track and want to get back on track.

MS  – STOP!!!   STOP!!!   STOP!!!

LS – erp.

MS – If you don’t stop interrupting me, I’m gonna walk off this set and find a younger, prettier, quieter co-host who can do what I say.  And remember what happened to the last woman I had a problem with.

LS – erp.

MS – ……    Okay, so, when these mental midgets try to make these crazy claims like COVID-19 came from a Chinese lab or that 800% ballot overcounts aren’t just obviously the typical rounding errors you expect in any election I want to tell these people to just get out.  That’s right, I want them out of my country.  Because this is my country.  Shmoe Browfurrowed is the decider here.  I’ve sacrificed everything for this country.  I’ve sunk thousands in dental implants and an indetectable hair process that allows me to speak to the good people of this country the way they should be talked to, from a position of authority and credibility.  I’ve sacrificed my original family members because, honestly, they just weren’t good enough for my future.  I owed it to this country to evolve beyond them.  And if Lycra starts babbling again, I’ll probably be evolving beyond her too.

LS – erp!

MS – But mostly I’ve sacrificed my outmoded sense of values.  I no longer trouble myself over seeming inconsistencies like “documentary evidence” or “math” or even “eye witness accounts.”   Because if any of those things contradict the truth that I receive from the network briefing that morning then I know it is either Russian propaganda or lies spread by Donald Trump.  Even if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Make that, especially, if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Because the rock bottom truth is that truth is always evolving.  Trying to sort it out yourself is madness.  The briefing has been prepared by experts in their fields and is always right until tomorrow’s briefing.

So, you can see, I’ve got this under control and we don’t need any phony baloney deplorables “thinking” or looking into things.  If you don’t trust the integrity of a great man like Joe Burden then you don’t belong here anymore.  Get out!  Get out!

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest.  What do you think about that Lycra?

LS – erp.  Am I allowed to talk now?

MS – Certainly dear.  I just wanted to finish my thought without being interrupted.  That’s all.

LS – I agree with every word of it.  How brave you were standing up to those “truth” bullies with their facts and their logical consistency.  How unbrave they are.

MS – And on that note it’s four minutes and 13.0234 seconds past a quarter to the hour.  And it’s time for a commercial from Twerker, the social network that keeps things shaking.  Have you twerked yet today?

LS – So brave Shmoe, so brave,

MS – Shut up Lycra.  Even I can’t make believe you make sense.  Just smile and hide your wrinkles.

LS – erp.

Mika Brzezinski Versus Joe Biden, Clash of the Mindless

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I was watching a video clip of Joe Biden being “grilled” by Mika Brzezinski over why he would not allow a search through his document archive of sealed Senate records at the University of Delaware.  I suppose in some sense there is some importance in the outcome of the “investigation” of Tara Reade’s assault charges against Biden.  Biden was categorical during the Kavanaugh investigation that a woman must be believed when she makes a charge of sexual harassment.  And he made it perfectly clear that in his mind Title IX demanded that any man in a college that was accused of sexual “crimes” should have all his rights to due process stripped away by the college administration and be subjected to summary expulsion at the whim of any woman who chooses to make an accusation.

For those reasons I guess I should enjoy watching Brzezinski ask Biden over and over and over why he won’t allow his archive to be searched for evidence on Tara Reade.  But it’s just so painful to have to listen to the two of them monotonously make the same points endlessly.  It’s like one of those Three Stooges routines where two hoodlums have overpowered Moe and Larry and are preparing to beat Curley to a pulp but somehow he and one of the gangsters get tangled up and are both wearing one half of a coat, each one of them has an arm in one sleeve and so Curley will swing and punch the other assailant and as the force of the blow pivots him around the guy he punched swings and hits the guy in the coat with him.  And the force of that blow pivots Curley back around again and he punches the same guy again.  This goes on ad infinitum until both gangsters are beaten to a pulp.  As humorous as this might be the first couple of times, after that it starts to get annoying.

I’ll give Biden credit.  In his present state of demented senility, I wouldn’t have thought it possible for him to keep track of the argument.  Granted they were the exact same words repeated over and over but based on what I’ve seen of Joe lately I assumed he would have been worn down and just started going into details of his assault on Reade and tried to justify it based on his importance as a Senator and her job description.  But somehow, he managed to repeat his talking points with only short lapses into incoherence.  Not once did he drool or stick his finger in his ear.  It was a virtuoso performance.

As for Brzezinski, I can’t stand looking or listening to her.  Everything she says and does is painful to sit through.  I consider her to be one of the stupidest or the most dishonest individuals in media.  It’s got to be one or the other and possibly it could be both.  But looking at her vapid face while she parrots whatever drivel she’s been handed is just too much for me.  When I started writing the Morning Shmoe parodies of Scarborough and Brzezinski I tried to make Lycra Spandexy as over the top as I possibly could.  But I don’t think I ever made her more absurd than the almost-real-world model she was based on.

And so, it was astonishing to me to note that I was rooting for Creepy Uncle Joe to somehow manage to escape from the mindless hectoring of Mika/Lycra.  I could hear myself thinking, “No Creepy  Joe, don’t get your arm tangled up in that coat with her.  Don’t slip on that banana peel.  Put your hand between your eyes before they get poked!”

It’s such a strange world.  In a sensible world I’d want Biden, Brzezinski and Jim Comey to be eaten by zombies searching for their non-existent brains.  Or at least I’d like to see them performing the work their talents qualified them for, namely picking up trash on the side of a highway with a pointed stick while wearing an orange jumpsuit.  But we live in a fallen world.  So, I guess it’s a good thing when MSNBC and Joe Biden are at an impasse as to which is stupider.

Mourning Morning Shmoe

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I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);  Producer Jorge – (PJ);  President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;  

MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe.  Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe.  Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter.  But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely.  Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed  country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime.  Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just.  Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way.  A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters.  And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute.  China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really?  Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles?  I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second.  I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out.  Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog?  Mr. Toodles?  After all he did for you?  Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe.  I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

LS – Put him through!  I want to tell him what I really think of him.

PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra.  I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.

LS – Go to hell Trump.  We won’t let you divide us.

MS – Exactly!

LS – Exactly!

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer!  You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old!  I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen.  Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two.  It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor.  He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang.  The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that.  You have to apologize to me.

MS – What?  Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly.  So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes.  He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size.  And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe!  We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.

MS – Very well, you villain.  We’ll do it.  What must we say.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me.  I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished.  I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so.  And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours.  Till then rejoice.  Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again.  Trump out.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , , , ,

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

 

Mourning Morning Shmoe

Finding an Actual Conservative Talk Show on PBS? As Likely As Getting Sense Out of Nancy Pelosi

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I saw this “news item” on Drudge “PBS-launching-new-conservative-political-talk-show” so I clicked on it. I should have known better.  They claim this new show called “In Principle” will take its cue from Buckley’s “Firing Line.”  I think it’s more likely to be a PBS version of Morning Joe.  Michael Gerson is a house conservative over at the Washington Post and a NeverTrumper.  His co-host Amy Holmes has spent some time at MSNBC so I’m sure she will be a tower of conservative rigor.  This should be good for me.  I’m tired of making fun of Morning Shmoe and Lycra Spandexy.  This will be fresh meat for the lions.

Here’s the link but I already took the bullet for you so feel free to leave the Seattle Times alone.

https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/pbs-launching-new-conservative-political-talk-show/

 

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Chris Buskirk prefers listening to Kid Rock over Morning Schmoe

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This is an easy recommendation.  American Greatness has become an essential place for me to check for a good political read.  I have a feeling my Morning Schmoe and Lycra series will be hearing about Kid Rock pretty soon.  I know, I’m shameless.  But Scarborough actually singing is pure comedy gold.  I’m bound to have Lycra become the new Yoko Ono.  Seriously though it wouldn’t hurt Trump to go on tour with Kid Rock as his opener.  We could use something more entertaining than Russiagate to listen to.  It’s becoming a bore.

Goodbye Joe Scarborough . . . Hello, Kid Rock

 

Some background on Morning Schmoe and Lycra

Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra

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Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair.  He’s not beautiful like me.  I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.

MS – That’s right sweety.  But this is not about us.  It’s about this very bad man.

LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man.  And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

MS – Okay honey, let’s move on.  So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great.  We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together.  Every single blessed thing.      ….        And it’s great!   Really, really, really   …     great.

LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head.  Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week.  And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”

MS – Yeah that was great.  Really, really, really   …   great.

LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line.  Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show.  What would you like to say?

President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump.  I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me.  I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.

MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space.  But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.

PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.

MS – What’s that?

PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings?  Because if not then I don’t get it.  I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time?  I mean come on!  Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.

LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous.  Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way.  Shmoe loves to hear my opinions.  Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll.  And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed.  And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.

MS – I’m sorry folks but I’m out of time.    …  BANG.

PT – Thought so.