Tag: Morning Shmoe

Morning Shmoe vs. The Deplorables

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Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS)

 

MS – It’s 18 minutes and 17.023 seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that the 2020 election was rigged.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em.  Let’em have it.

MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish!

LS – Sure, dear.  You go ahead I was just trying to cheer you on a little.  Okay?

MS – Okay.

LS – Okay.

MS – Woahh!.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, recently I took a call on this show from some neanderthal with the IQ of an angle worm who was trying to claim that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.  And when something like this happens, I become enraged.  This is the greatest country on the face of the earth with the greatest ballot counting people that have ever been.  Joe Burden was the greatest vice president under that greatest of all presidents Hatrack Barabbas back in the great days of this great republic.  And now he’s the greatest president of this great time.  His ability to wear a mask and tell other people to wear masks has made him a legend.  And when some ignoramus tries to claim that such a great man would be involved in anything as underhanded and unheard of as election fraud, well I can’t even describe how angry I become.

LS – Try Shmoe, try!  Tell us how mad you are.  Describe your righteous anger.

MS – Dear! …  Please, please, stop interrupting me.

LS – But I was just trying …

MS – I know what you were just trying to do.  But what you actually did was interrupt my train of thought.

LS – So I derailed your train of thought!  You’ve gone off track and want to get back on track.

MS  – STOP!!!   STOP!!!   STOP!!!

LS – erp.

MS – If you don’t stop interrupting me, I’m gonna walk off this set and find a younger, prettier, quieter co-host who can do what I say.  And remember what happened to the last woman I had a problem with.

LS – erp.

MS – ……    Okay, so, when these mental midgets try to make these crazy claims like COVID-19 came from a Chinese lab or that 800% ballot overcounts aren’t just obviously the typical rounding errors you expect in any election I want to tell these people to just get out.  That’s right, I want them out of my country.  Because this is my country.  Shmoe Browfurrowed is the decider here.  I’ve sacrificed everything for this country.  I’ve sunk thousands in dental implants and an indetectable hair process that allows me to speak to the good people of this country the way they should be talked to, from a position of authority and credibility.  I’ve sacrificed my original family members because, honestly, they just weren’t good enough for my future.  I owed it to this country to evolve beyond them.  And if Lycra starts babbling again, I’ll probably be evolving beyond her too.

LS – erp!

MS – But mostly I’ve sacrificed my outmoded sense of values.  I no longer trouble myself over seeming inconsistencies like “documentary evidence” or “math” or even “eye witness accounts.”   Because if any of those things contradict the truth that I receive from the network briefing that morning then I know it is either Russian propaganda or lies spread by Donald Trump.  Even if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Make that, especially, if it was in yesterday’s briefing.  Because the rock bottom truth is that truth is always evolving.  Trying to sort it out yourself is madness.  The briefing has been prepared by experts in their fields and is always right until tomorrow’s briefing.

So, you can see, I’ve got this under control and we don’t need any phony baloney deplorables “thinking” or looking into things.  If you don’t trust the integrity of a great man like Joe Burden then you don’t belong here anymore.  Get out!  Get out!

Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest.  What do you think about that Lycra?

LS – erp.  Am I allowed to talk now?

MS – Certainly dear.  I just wanted to finish my thought without being interrupted.  That’s all.

LS – I agree with every word of it.  How brave you were standing up to those “truth” bullies with their facts and their logical consistency.  How unbrave they are.

MS – And on that note it’s four minutes and 13.0234 seconds past a quarter to the hour.  And it’s time for a commercial from Twerker, the social network that keeps things shaking.  Have you twerked yet today?

LS – So brave Shmoe, so brave,

MS – Shut up Lycra.  Even I can’t make believe you make sense.  Just smile and hide your wrinkles.

LS – erp.

Mika Brzezinski Versus Joe Biden, Clash of the Mindless

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I was watching a video clip of Joe Biden being “grilled” by Mika Brzezinski over why he would not allow a search through his document archive of sealed Senate records at the University of Delaware.  I suppose in some sense there is some importance in the outcome of the “investigation” of Tara Reade’s assault charges against Biden.  Biden was categorical during the Kavanaugh investigation that a woman must be believed when she makes a charge of sexual harassment.  And he made it perfectly clear that in his mind Title IX demanded that any man in a college that was accused of sexual “crimes” should have all his rights to due process stripped away by the college administration and be subjected to summary expulsion at the whim of any woman who chooses to make an accusation.

For those reasons I guess I should enjoy watching Brzezinski ask Biden over and over and over why he won’t allow his archive to be searched for evidence on Tara Reade.  But it’s just so painful to have to listen to the two of them monotonously make the same points endlessly.  It’s like one of those Three Stooges routines where two hoodlums have overpowered Moe and Larry and are preparing to beat Curley to a pulp but somehow he and one of the gangsters get tangled up and are both wearing one half of a coat, each one of them has an arm in one sleeve and so Curley will swing and punch the other assailant and as the force of the blow pivots him around the guy he punched swings and hits the guy in the coat with him.  And the force of that blow pivots Curley back around again and he punches the same guy again.  This goes on ad infinitum until both gangsters are beaten to a pulp.  As humorous as this might be the first couple of times, after that it starts to get annoying.

I’ll give Biden credit.  In his present state of demented senility, I wouldn’t have thought it possible for him to keep track of the argument.  Granted they were the exact same words repeated over and over but based on what I’ve seen of Joe lately I assumed he would have been worn down and just started going into details of his assault on Reade and tried to justify it based on his importance as a Senator and her job description.  But somehow, he managed to repeat his talking points with only short lapses into incoherence.  Not once did he drool or stick his finger in his ear.  It was a virtuoso performance.

As for Brzezinski, I can’t stand looking or listening to her.  Everything she says and does is painful to sit through.  I consider her to be one of the stupidest or the most dishonest individuals in media.  It’s got to be one or the other and possibly it could be both.  But looking at her vapid face while she parrots whatever drivel she’s been handed is just too much for me.  When I started writing the Morning Shmoe parodies of Scarborough and Brzezinski I tried to make Lycra Spandexy as over the top as I possibly could.  But I don’t think I ever made her more absurd than the almost-real-world model she was based on.

And so, it was astonishing to me to note that I was rooting for Creepy Uncle Joe to somehow manage to escape from the mindless hectoring of Mika/Lycra.  I could hear myself thinking, “No Creepy  Joe, don’t get your arm tangled up in that coat with her.  Don’t slip on that banana peel.  Put your hand between your eyes before they get poked!”

It’s such a strange world.  In a sensible world I’d want Biden, Brzezinski and Jim Comey to be eaten by zombies searching for their non-existent brains.  Or at least I’d like to see them performing the work their talents qualified them for, namely picking up trash on the side of a highway with a pointed stick while wearing an orange jumpsuit.  But we live in a fallen world.  So, I guess it’s a good thing when MSNBC and Joe Biden are at an impasse as to which is stupider.

Mourning Morning Shmoe

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I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

 

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);  Producer Jorge – (PJ);  President Trump – (PT)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show; the set is festooned with black streamers, in the center of the breakfast table is a poster sized photo of a morbidly obese pug dog;  

MS – Welcome solemnly back from that tasteful adult diaper commercial break and it’s the saddest two minutes after the quarter hour I’ve ever experienced here at the Morning Shmoe Show.  I’m your co-host Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and here’s our co-host the lovely but deeply bereaved Lycra Spandexy.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe.  Very, very lovely and deeply, deeply bereaved.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe.  Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter.  But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely.  Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed  country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime.  Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just.  Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way.  A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters.  And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute.  China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really?  Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles?  I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second.  I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out.  Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog?  Mr. Toodles?  After all he did for you?  Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe.  I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

LS – Put him through!  I want to tell him what I really think of him.

PT – Hello Shmoe and Lycra.  I see you’re engaging in your usual nutbaggery.

LS – Go to hell Trump.  We won’t let you divide us.

MS – Exactly!

LS – Exactly!

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer!  You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old!  I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen.  Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two.  It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor.  He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang.  The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that.  You have to apologize to me.

MS – What?  Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly.  So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes.  He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size.  And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

LS – Don’t say no, Shmoe!  We must save Mr. Toodles no matter the cost.

MS – Very well, you villain.  We’ll do it.  What must we say.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me.  I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished.  I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so.  And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours.  Till then rejoice.  Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again.  Trump out.

Morning Shmoe vs the Doggie Gaegogi

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I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best.  I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments.  This one began back in March 2018.

Trump vs Kim Jong Un and the Shanghai Noon

Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe – (MS);  Lycra Spandexy – (LS);   President Trump – (PT); Kim Jong Un (KJU)

Scene 1- 8am, MSNBC, Set of the Morning Shmoe talk show;  

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un.  After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Hmmm.

LS – Oh, look!  Producer Jorge says we have a caller on line one.  Go ahead caller.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe!  This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  You really piss me off.  Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will.  You are in deep doo doo.  You make fun of me?  Hah, I make fun of you!  What kind name Lycra Spandexy?  Sound like the sports bra.  And Morning Shmoe?  You some kind of Fourth Stooge?  Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah?  Well your name is really funny.  Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name?  Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage.  I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers.  I already sent team to your apartment.  You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right.  I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend!  I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother.  Diplomatic immunity.  And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean.  Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much.  You piss him off too.  So goodbye losers.  Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank.  (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles)  Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe.  Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred.  In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons.  I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred.  It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge)  You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

MS- Whatever!  Well anyway, goodbye everybody and may your morning progress.

 

Mourning Morning Shmoe

Finding an Actual Conservative Talk Show on PBS? As Likely As Getting Sense Out of Nancy Pelosi

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I saw this “news item” on Drudge “PBS-launching-new-conservative-political-talk-show” so I clicked on it. I should have known better.  They claim this new show called “In Principle” will take its cue from Buckley’s “Firing Line.”  I think it’s more likely to be a PBS version of Morning Joe.  Michael Gerson is a house conservative over at the Washington Post and a NeverTrumper.  His co-host Amy Holmes has spent some time at MSNBC so I’m sure she will be a tower of conservative rigor.  This should be good for me.  I’m tired of making fun of Morning Shmoe and Lycra Spandexy.  This will be fresh meat for the lions.

Here’s the link but I already took the bullet for you so feel free to leave the Seattle Times alone.

https://www.seattletimes.com/nation-world/pbs-launching-new-conservative-political-talk-show/

 

[socialpoll id=”2489142″]

Chris Buskirk prefers listening to Kid Rock over Morning Schmoe

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This is an easy recommendation.  American Greatness has become an essential place for me to check for a good political read.  I have a feeling my Morning Schmoe and Lycra series will be hearing about Kid Rock pretty soon.  I know, I’m shameless.  But Scarborough actually singing is pure comedy gold.  I’m bound to have Lycra become the new Yoko Ono.  Seriously though it wouldn’t hurt Trump to go on tour with Kid Rock as his opener.  We could use something more entertaining than Russiagate to listen to.  It’s becoming a bore.

Goodbye Joe Scarborough . . . Hello, Kid Rock

 

Some background on Morning Schmoe and Lycra

Trump vs Morning Shmoe and Lycra

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Morning Shmoe (MS) – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s 13 and 1/8th minutes after the quarter hour and we’re here at the newly refurbished set of the Morning Shmoe Show.  And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how much better it is to be us, young and in love and not old and racist like President Trump.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Yes, he’s a creep with small hands and bad hair.  He’s not beautiful like me.  I am still very, very young and don’t need a facelift and would never get one and besides it’s called a dermatological procedure and everyone gets them because they’re young and not because they need them.

MS – That’s right sweety.  But this is not about us.  It’s about this very bad man.

LS – Yes, he’s a very bad man.  And there was no blood and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

MS – Okay honey, let’s move on.  So, as you all know we’re deeply in love and being together here on the show and also constantly morning, noon and night, all day every day is great.  We never tire of each other’s company and we do everything together.  Every single blessed thing.      ….        And it’s great!   Really, really, really   …     great.

LS – Yes, and I tell Shmoe every little thing that pops into my head.  Like yesterday when the girl doing my nails told me that I had a cold sore on my lip and I said it was a white-head and she said it was herpes and I told her that my dermatologist told me that you can tell if it’s herpes because you get that tingling feeling ahead of time and then you use the Abreva and then it’s a lot less icky and nobody can notice it under the make-up on the show and I don’t have to go on assignment for a week and that’s really great and I told her that it was a white-head and I knew that because it looked like a white-head and I popped it with a pin and squeezed out the puss and then it hurt but not much and it looks like it will heal without a scab that’s noticeable so I won’t have to go on assignment for a week.  And Shmoe was so interested while he sat there listening and drinking that scotch without the water and I asked him if he wanted some water but he just kept filling up that tumbler and I said, “Boy that’s a lot of scotch and he just kept smiling and nodding his head and it was great.”

MS – Yeah that was great.  Really, really, really   …   great.

LS – But Producer Jorge says we have a caller on the line.  Hello caller, you’re on the Morning Shmoe Show.  What would you like to say?

President Trump (PT) – Hello Lycra, it’s me President Trump.  I was told by some of my friends who are forced to watch terrible shows like yours for a living about the nasty things you’ve been saying about me.  I figured I’d call up and set the record straight.

MS – Trump, you’ve got a lot of nerve calling us up and invading our safe space.  But we’re not scared of you and we won’t be intimidated by your bullying.

PT – I won’t need to bully you, I only want to ask you one question.

MS – What’s that?

PT – Did the network force you to marry her for ratings?  Because if not then I don’t get it.  I mean to have to listen to that blathering for an hour or two in the morning is doable, but all the time?  I mean come on!  Don’t you ever feel like just putting a bullet in your head to stop the incessant babble.

LS – Hah, that’s ridiculous.  Just because you are a cave-man and don’t value women for their intelligence doesn’t mean all men are that way.  Shmoe loves to hear my opinions.  Like this morning when we were in the middle of that long commute from Jersey and I started telling Shmoe about what my mother told me the other day about how when I was a little girl and my sister stole my “My Pretty Pony” doll and I told her to give it back and she said it was hers because she said I promised to give it to her if she told me what Marcy said about me to Charlene but I told her that I found out from Debby what Marcy really said and it wasn’t what she told me and my mother said that I really hurt my sister’s feelings and to this day she still wants that doll and she told my mother that my face looks too tight after that dermatological procedure that I didn’t have done and I told Mom that that was mean and I thought that my sister’s butt had gotten really fat and I wasn’t going to give up the doll.  And then I asked Shmoe wasn’t he going too fast and why was he swerving toward the guard rail and then he laughed and laughed.  And he laughed so hard that a tear was in his eye and then I told him that I was enrolling us in a couple’s yoga class and there was a jazzercise section too.

MS – I’m sorry folks but I’m out of time.    …  BANG.

PT – Thought so.

Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo?

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The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

 

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – Oh Shmoe-meo, Shmoe-meo, wherefore art thou Shmoe-meo?

Morning Shmoe (MS) – I’m right here at the teleprompter and it’s 37 seconds past the quarter hour my dear Lycra.

LS – Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father’s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed.  A girl can only endure so much.  You’re a modern metrosexual man.  Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.

MS – Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah.  Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again.  He’s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don’t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.

LS – Wow, that’s grim.  Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo.  I’ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.

MS – Uh, yeah sure.  And three, two, one!

LS – And we’re back.  During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.

MS – You said it toots.

LS – And since we’re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.

MS – And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we’re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together.  Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?

LS – First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown.  And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.

LS – But Mommy and Daddy said I’d look like a princess!

SS – This ain’t your Mommy’s network Princess.  And I’d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle.  That’s right, this is real, you aren’t dreaming, this your life.

LS – Why do you keep saying that?

SS – You-Tube said it gets clicks.

MS – Next up is noted gender studies authority and NY Times bestselling author of, “Painful Changes, Wardrobe Choices,” Dave-Sue Haddgonadds.  Good morning Dr. Haddgonadds.  Am I pronouncing that correctly?

Dave-Sue Haddgonadds (DSH) – The dees are silent, you silly man.

MS – My apologies.  Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?

DSH – First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color.  You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today.  It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.

LS – Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.

DSH – That’s no excuse.  Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices.  For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.

MS – Five foot three?

DSH – Yes Dr. Farber is a virtuoso with the bone saw.

MS – I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the idea of gender reassignment surgery.

DSH – No problem.  There’s no pressure whatsoever.  Our motto is “If you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.”

MS – Somehow, that’s less than totally reassuring.

DSH – And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6’ 3’’with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.

LS – But I want to be a princess!

DSH – Fine.  We’ll compromise You can be bi-sexual.  See I’m willing to meet you half way.

MS – Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist.  He’s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious.  Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?

Tad Litigious (TL) – No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.

MS – But there is no vee.

TL – That’s why it’s silent.

MS – Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.

TL – Well, first off Shmoe, you’re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.

MS – Why?  Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility.  I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.

TL – Sure you do Poindexter.  But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I’ll set you straight on a couple of items.  So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points.  Super-duper.  But let’s look about five years down the road.  By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure.  Now based on what I’ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn’t going to go into the baby raising business for you.  She’s gonna shop her act around the networks and she’ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain.  My guess is you’re the kind of old boy who’ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I’m guessing you’ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds.  Now, if you don’t have a pre-nup in place, she’ll get 85% of your stuff.  If you have one she’ll get 55%.  So, it’s your call.  I get paid either way.

MS – Well Tad, that all seems very unlikely, (sotto voce) call me later.

LS – Hey I heard that!

MS – Well that’s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife.  Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time.  But for me and Lycra…

LS – Up yours Shmoe!

MS – Here’s to a happy and progressive today.

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency

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Morning Shmoe 2

(The set of the Morning Shmoe News Show)

Morning Schmoe (MS) – It’s sixty seven seconds past the quarter hour and we’re back at the Morning Schmoe Show.  I’m the eponymous Schmoe Browfurrowed and I’m joined by my lovely and enthusiastic co-host Lycra Spandexy.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – I am lovely and enthusiastic, amn’t I?

MS – Yes you are Lycra and we wouldn’t have you any other way.  It’s actually in your contract.  And now here’s the rest of our panel.  First up, former disgraced journalist and now shameless democrat shill Mike Carbuncle.

Mike Carbuncle (MC) – I like to say semi-disgraced.

MS – Yes you do. Next up, my fellow network superstar host and advocate for comfortable women’s shoes Snarkful Sadclown.

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Everyone should wear them.

MS – Well almost everyone.  Not you Lycra.

LS – Oh thank God.  No offense Snarky.

SS – Almost none taken Lycra.

MS – And finally my other fellow network superstar host Chris Cashews.

Chris Cashews (CC) – Ooh, just hearing my name gives me that tingle up my leg.

SS – Please try to pace yourself Chris.  It’s a three-hour show.

MS – Well gang, let’s get right down to it.  Fraudulent and illegal President Trump has just passed the 100-day mark of his fraudulent and illegal presidency.

LS – He’s so not good!  If I was allowed to hate people I’d hate him.  And I’d hate his wife who is older than me and not young like I am.  I’m not old yet you know.

MC – That was very well put Lycra.  You are very young.  And your platinum blonde hair reminds me of the time I interviewed beautiful Hollywood blonde bombshell Jean Harlow right after she starred with Clark Gable in 1933’s Red Dust.

SS – But you would have been four years old in 1933.

MC – Yes, I was quite precocious.

MS – Getting back on track.  We are here to look objectively at the events of the last 100 days and without bias decide exactly where it became a failed presidency.

CC – That won’t be too hard at all.  Back when I was working for storied Speaker of the House, Slip  O’Peel, we had a saying, “The buck stops here.”

SS – Didn’t well-known racist and US President Harry S. Truman say that?

CC – Oh, he said it too but he stole it from us.

SS – But O’Peel would have only been 13 when Truman was quoted as saying it.

CC – Yes, he was precocious.  Anyway, my point is that obviously, Trump’s presidency became a failed one on Inauguration Day when he failed to use his entire speech as a hymn of praise to Barack Hussein Obama, the most gifted and beloved person ever to occupy the Oval Office.  Did I ever tell you the time I got this tingle up my leg during one of his speeches?

MS – Yes, Chris you have.  But we’ve really got to move on now.  Well, folks, Chris says Inauguration Day.  Any other opinions?

LS – Yes Shmoe.  I think it happened later.  I think it happened when he was mean to those reporters on TV.  Reporters (and TV people in general) are the best and nicest people in the world.  Being mean to them is like really not good.  That is when I feel his presidency failed.

SS – Wow Lycra, compared to Chris and Mike your thesis was surprisingly free of anachronisms.

LS – Thanks Snarky I can see that you respect my intellect.

SS – Sure.

LS – By the way what’s an actronism?

SS – Never mind.

MS – Okay Mike care to share your opinion?

MC – Certainly Shmoe.  This presidency officially ended when Trump nominated Gorsuch.  When Trump told the country that Gorsuch represented the highest standards of judicial competency he overplayed his hand.  To quote from my highly popular and respected blog post of that day, I extemporized, “Mr President, you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.”  Man was I on fire in that post!

SS – Wait, Abraham Lincoln said that!

MC – He stole it from me.

SS – But that would make you two hundred years old!

MC – I don’t think it’s polite to discuss people’s age.  Even if they aren’t nominally women.

LS – Yes, Snarky.  That’s wrong and hurtful.

SS – Oh good grief.  This is almost as bad as election night.  This is not a dream and this is really happening.  Maybe I should cut a deal with Fox.

MS – Mike, Lycra that’s enough.  We can’t work out the chronological details of all these people right here and now.  Let’s just agree that the Trump administration is already over.

All Participants – Oh yeah;…  That’s for sure;…  Damn straight;…  I’ll say.

MS – So the question that has to be answered is what exactly is going to be going on for the next 1,360 days?

LS – Well Shmoe, don’t you think that evil Trump and his evil people will see that they’re beaten and run away?

MS – Well Lycra, you might think so but it’s a funny thing.  Not everyone is as reasonable as we are.  I’m afraid Trump thinks that elections have consequences.

MC – Hey he can’t use that line, it’s an Obama copyright.

MS – Something ironic about that.

MC – What do you mean?

MS – Oh forget it.  Well anyway, let’s just say that if we just keep saying that this is a failed presidency long enough and often enough the public will believe it.

SS – I’m not so sure.  Have you noticed that the last few surveys say the public trusts us less than Trump?

MS – Yeah but once we tell them that Trump is a greedy billionaire and we’re honest friends of the common man they’ll believe all the crap we tell them, right?

SS – But that’s what I’m trying to tell you.  They don’t believe that anymore.

MS – But why?

MC – Maybe because we backed the BLM movement and the Antifa and the White Privilege whiners and the Transgender bathroom crowd and the illegal rights groups and …

SS – Hey, those are my viewers!

MS – Yeah but look at our ratings.  They’re not that much right?  Looks like we may be outnumbered in this thing.

LS – But Shmoe, we won, didn’t we?  We’ll be all right now and Hillary will be President and we’ll live happily ever after.  Won’t we?

MS – I wish I knew Lycra, I wish I knew.

 

Wherefore Art Thou Shmoe-meo?

Morning Shmoe 2 – Trump Hates Bannon!!!  Just Saying.

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Chris Buskirk over at American Greatness is fast becoming one of my favorite reads.  He had a great article ( https://amgreatness.com/2017/04/15/foolish-choose-morning-joe-crowd-bannon-voters/ ) that has once again inspired me to revisit our friends at Morning Shmoe.

 

Scene: Studio Set at Morning Shmoe

Shmoe Browfurrowed (AKA Morning Shmoe) (MS) – It’s three and a half minutes before the quarter hour and we’re back.  Lycra have you heard the latest evidence about how Trump has already eliminated Steve Bannon and is about to replace him with Barney Frank.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – No Shmoe, tell me all about it.

MS – Well it’s obvious to anyone paying attention.  Trump is wearing ties.  And as you all know Bannon doesn’t wear a tie.  You do the math!

LS – That’s so true!  Well now that Barney Frank is the virtual president what wonderful changes do you forsee?

MS – As first order of business, Melania will be eliminated as First Lady, either by divorce or deportation and Caitlyn Jenner installed in that position.  Next Ivanka will begin the slow, deliberate process of becoming Ivanko.  After that Trump will begin his transition which will culminate in him grabbing herself.

LS – It just writes itself, doesn’t it Shmoe?

MS – Yeah, sort of.

LS – Shmoe, what do you think caused the original loss of trust between Trump and Bannon.

MS – Well Lycra, we may never truly know but we can speculate.

LS – Can we?

MS – Oh, not only can we but we will.  We’ve still got several hundred words to add before this post is full.

LS – Post?

MS – Nothing, nothing.  Anyway, if you remember during the election it was rumored that Donald Trump had become a werewolf or possibly a loup garou.

LS – Yes, that was definitely a theory that swirled around the press corp.

MS – Well, I recently heard from someone (or possibly from a voice inside my head) that Bannon had become a vampire or some other type of undead.

LS – Well, that would explain a lot of things.

MS – Yes it would Lycra, yes it would.  After all, if Underworld has taught us anything it’s that lycanthropes and vampires are always enemies.  Also, we haven’t seen Bannon during the day recently.  And he is obviously suffering from a skin condition brought on by his vampiric aversion to sunlight.

LS – Of course, why didn’t I realize this before?

MS – Because it’s only obvious after a great mind points it out.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are wise.  But where do we go from here.  Now that progressives are firmly in charge of the US executive branch again what is the next order of business?

MS – There are so many Obama initiatives that are languishing and that need a few trillions of taxpayer dollars to really perk up.  I would say that a new cabinet level department is the first order of business.  The Department of Black Lives Matter is the unofficial name I heard mentioned (by a voice in my head) but the name is secondary.  The important thing is eliminating this whole law enforcement and justice concept that has somehow infected our government for too long.

LS – Shmoe, that’s marvelous.  And to think, the Trump administration hasn’t even acknowledged Bannon’s departure yet.  What are they waiting for?

MS – I would guess it has to do with the cycles of the moon.  Lycanthrope/vampire interactions are far from an exact science.  My guess is the announcement will occur at the new moon.  That’s April 26th to you normals.

LS – Shmoe, isn’t it great to be living in this best of all possible worlds?

MS – Yes it is Lycra, Yes it is.

 

The Last 1360 Days of the Trump Presidency