What would Nikki Haley and Joe Scarborough have in common? Well, they’re both in a panic that Americans might re-elect Donald Trump President of the United States of America. Here are their latest statements as headlines in today’s new reports:
Haley: Nominating Trump Means ‘Suicide for Our Country
Scarborough: “How Stupid Would You Have to Be” To Vote for Trump?”
Apparently, we would have to be so stupid that we would be willing to commit suicide by nominating Donald Trump for Republican candidate for President.
Well, thank our lucky stars that we have Nikki Haley and Joe Scarborough, two of the most extreme conservatives out there to alert us to our danger. And that is a relief because suicide is bad. Very bad. After suicide there really isn’t much upside left. Of course, I’m not exactly sure what it looks like when a nation of 273 million people commits suicide all at once.
That’s a lot of corpses. And if we’re all dead who buries the bodies. And it will have to be burial. The cremation of 273 million people would be an awful lot of carbon dioxide released all at once. The Canadians are even more strict than Biden about CO2 so if they’re going to be stuck disposing of their neighbors’ bodies, they’re not going to burn them. So, I guess it’ll be burial. Or maybe composting. That’s kind of green. Maybe they’ll do that.
Now I wonder if the suicide will occur immediately after the Republican Convention nominates him. That’s on July 18th so I had better take my summer vacation before that. And probably around the Fourth of July I’ll probably buy an expensive sports car and a diamond tennis bracelet for Camera Girl. The first payment will come due in August. Hah!
I guess I better start figuring out how I want to commit suicide. I’ve never really given it enough thought. It’s kind of complicated. If I were Canadian (Canada again!) I could get some help from the government. I hear they’re always willing to lend a helping hand when someone wants to off himself.
I read somewhere that if you drink too much water, like ten gallons or so, your electrolyte levels in your blood get too low and your heart will stop. That sounds pretty painless but I’d have to spend my last hours on Earth in the bathroom urinating and that doesn’t sound very dignified.
Maybe pills. Currently I know we have a lot of heartworm medicine for the dogs. Could I do myself in with those? Nah, I’d just end up dewormed.
Maybe I could get like ten COVID vaccine boosters all in one day. That would probably kill anyone. But I don’t like needles.
I have heard of the “death by a thousand cuts.” Hopefully paper cuts count. Over the course of my career around the office I must be in the high nine hundreds by now. I’ll buy myself a ream of really sharp paper and begin playing around with it. I’m bound to reach my goal in a day or two. And as a man who spends a lot of his time writing down words, death by paper seems a fitting end.
I guess all that remains is for me to figure out my epitaph. “He died with his boots on?” “Stranger, go tell the Spartans?” “Tippecanoe and Tyler too?” “Haste makes waste?” “Dammit, I’ll take the garbage out later?” I don’t know. Nothing grabs me.
You know this whole thing is more complicated than I thought. I’m sorry Nikki, Joe. I may have to put off this whole suicide thing for a while. If it’s all the same with you maybe we can nominate Donald Trump and somehow keep breathing for a short while. If you don’t mind. But feel free yourselves to drop dead. I don’t think anyone will really care that much. I know I won’t.
Look, who does Nikki Haley think she’s kidding? Regardless of whether Trump succeeds in fixing our government or not he’s the lone possibility of it. Nikki Haley, at best would be Jeb Bush in a skirt. At worst, she’d be the new Hillary Clinton putting the deplorables in their place. Nope, I’ll take my chances with Trump. At least he hates the same people I do.