Resurfacing after his escape from Disney World, Animatronic Biden (AB) has taken the 2021 Summer Olympics, women’s decathlon by storm. Wearing a blue wig but still dressed in the business suit Disney equipped him with, AB has broken women’s records in all events. The sight of the geriatric cyborg racing down the track in wingtips while his competitors are lashed by his tail wind has become a familiar one. Many of the women withdrew in tears from the remaining events and even the transgender women were heard to complain bitterly that AB was no woman. But such is life in these enlightened times.
The only truly controversial moment of the first day came during the javelin throw. When the projectile disappeared over the horizon the track officials were temporarily at a loss as to how to measure the throw. Luckily a news service drone was speared by the javelin and the camera output and telemetry were used to document the event. The 2.3 miles (~ 3700 meters) distance represents a very healthy increase to the previous Olympic record of 90.57m. But AB (or as she’s now known Jocelyn Biden) declared, “Oh come on man, I would’ve broken the 10,000-meter boundary. This is the work of the patriarchy for sure.” But the officials decided to leave well enough alone. To avoid further issues all UAV’s will be grounded for the upcoming shotput and hammer throws. And the equipment for these events will be equipped with trackable GPS devices to facilitate measurement and also provide documentation for civil and criminal lawsuits in the case of further impacts.
After it became clear that Jocelyn would be the 2021 decathlon champion, CNN’s Chris (Fredo) Cuomo attempted to get a comment from 1976 decathlon gold medal champion Caitlyn Jenner. But all Jenner would say was, “That’s too weird even for me, dude.”
CNN had Don Lemon interviewing the dazzling automated athlete. But an ugly moment occurred when Jocelyn attempted to sniff Don’s hair and massage his shoulders. Some error in the calibration of Jocelyn’s grip must have been present because she accidentally tore the vivacious Mr. Lemon’s arms off at the shoulder. Prompt medical response was able to save the veteran reporter’s life but this injury has made his job at the network much more difficult. But CNN being the progressive and compassionate place that it is has begun assembling a team of assistants who will surround Don and provide every service that a man with no arms requires. An arm double will stand behind Don and hold his microphone and gesticulate and point to the things that Don would have himself. Another assistant will be in charge of vivacity. He will provide any sexual horseplay that the irrepressible Mr. Lemon is known for. And finally, a separate team will be in charge of the bodily requirements of the star. Mr. Lemon had a brief statement during which he said that, “This experience has given me a whole new perspective on the right to bear arms.”
Following this incident, the Olympic rules committee decided that Jocelyn would be excluded from the wrestling, martial arts and other contact sports. She predictably was quoted as saying, “Oh come on man!” The White House has sent supportive messages of congratulations from the president and all his staff. Biden was quoted as saying, “This is a great day for American women of every kind, XX, XY or silicon chip. And she’s quite a looker too!”