Those who follow the banners of Reason are like the well-disciplined battalion, which, wearing a more sober uniform, and making a less dazzling show, than
They run through the woods in a flock like a small stampede, making a lot of noise. I was squirrel hunting before turkey season. I was sitting on a fallen log in full camouflage with a ..22 rifle. I heard a flock approach and saw them coming my way. I waited until they were close, took off my hat with camouflage face net, stood up, waved my arms and shouted at them. Pandemonium. They ran in all directions, some flying, hitting trees, and falling to ground before taking off on foot. I laughed until my sides ached. If it had been turkey season, I’d have taken two of the toms or jakes. In fact I returned to the area in season and took two single toms . Wild turkey is much better than farm raised, just as I prefer wild rabbit to tame rabbit. Wild turkey giblets make the very best gravy.
Tonight, I asked Camera Girl what she thought I should write my post about. She said I should write about the fact that Donald Trump doesn’t have a pet dog. I countered, “But he doesn’t like dogs.” She said that was weak and that if he got a dog, he’d be much more likely to succeed as president. Well, what can I say? She’s got me there. Of course, exactly what kind of dog would be compatible with Donald Trump seems like a very complicated question. Well, he’s kind of tall. Maybe a Great Dane. I explained to her that it’s sort of a moot question because Trump’s not going to change his mind at this point in his life. Well, she rejected this explanation and stood by the idea that this situation spelled disaster for his presidency. Oh well, agree to disagree.
Yesterday I sent a proposal for my unfinished novel to Ark Press to see if they are interested in this soon to be blockbuster story. It’s almost twenty-four hours since I hit the send button on the e-mail and I’ve heard nothing. As you can imagine, I’m crushed and dejected by the interminable delay. I now question my optimism and see all of life as a hollow husk of what my hopes and dreams were. I was planning on tying a lead weight to my ankle and tossing it into the pond thus ending it all. But I realized the water depth is currently about three feet so it could take a long while to perish. I need a better plan.
Plan B is to start a new career. Currently the top contender is bare-knuckle-boxer. My plan is to begin an intensive physical conditioning program. I’ll start with road work and then add on a raw egg diet and finally I’ll find a good manager someone named Mick or Apollo or something like that. I figure if I play my cards right, I’ll be ready for a title fight sometime in 2026 which being the 250th birthday of the United States will be sorta like what happened for Rocky Balboa only without the turtles named Bert and Ernie. I told Camera Girl about my plan and she punched me in the stomach really hard. It was sort of a foul. I wasn’t expecting it after all. But it really has affected my confidence. I complained that, “Adrian never punched Rocky or did anything to discourage him from becoming the boxing champion of the world and aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” She countered that Adrain was a doofus and Rocky was too short to be an effective boxer. I reminded her that we saw the movie back in 1976 and she never said anything about those things back then. She replied that she was still attempting to trap me into matrimony at that point so she let it ride for then. But she claimed that she always thought Adrian was a doofus. And as her final point she opined that boxers need very strong neck muscles and I have a bad neck. Her point was that modern boxers hit so hard that my head would fly off my body after one punch and that would be gross. Well, that was food for thought.
So, I guess I need a Plan C. I haven’t really worked out all the details but maybe, possibly, I’m going to go pro in pickle ball. I’ve heard good things. But I haven’t bounced it off her yet. Wish me luck.
Today is my regular Wednesday zoom call with the boys and of course we were hooting about last night’s speech. Everyone loved the hilarious jabs at Biden, the endless list of billion-dollar boondoggles cut from USAID and Trump’s droll braggadocio of his list of accomplishments. But I think I had them laughing hardest when I reminded them of the three hundred- and fifty-year-old social security recipient. I thought a couple of them were going to have a stroke or swallow their tongues. I think everyone inherently senses how this absurdity just encapsulates what runaway bureaucracy looks like in its terminal stage. As Trump said, “This guy is a hundred years older than the country but he’s still on the rolls!” You have to have a kind of primal respect for someone defending a lie that big. It’s epic.
Now some would rightly point to the much greater financial impact of there being many millions of Americans claiming to be alive after 110, 120, 130 and even 140 years of age. The benefits for millions of people are enormous. They’re in the tens of billions of dollars. They are an outrage and they should be crimes that are rooted out and punished. Even the people just working in the social security department and ignoring the absurdity of these impossible ages should be punished.
And yet I can’t help but hearken back the Sesquarcentennial Man. So that means he was born in 1675 AD. Isaac Newton and Louis XIV of France were still alive back then. In that year King Philip’s War broke out, as the Wampanoags attacked Swansea, Massachusetts. Maybe Sesquarcentennial Man remembers the trauma of those frightening days. Maybe he still requires medication to deal with the fear. But whatever else we can say about him the most important characteristic he possesses is that we’re still paying for him. And without Elon Musk we probably would continue to pay for him until the US Treasury finally closes its doors and goes out of business.
So yeah, we got a hoot out of it and thank you Donald Trump for your love of comedy. But the real point is that the federal government is filled with people making six figure salaries while ignoring the apparently endless incompetence and corruption going on all around them with no concern for how it impacts their fellow Americans or the country as a whole.
Well, I think it just hardens our resolve to see DOGE fire as many of these useless and despicable individuals as is humanly possible. We should want to see the number of federal employees reduced to the bare minimum possible through the use of automation and continuous improvement of the systems and processes needed to perform the critical functions of the government. And by eliminating all non-essential functions of government. No more research studies into fields that the government has no business funding. If anyone has an unquenchable curiosity about the sex lives of any animal (including humans) let him pay for that voyeuristic pursuit out of his own pocket. And likewise for every other pseudoscientific time sink. Fund yourselves.
But more than anything else, I want to know about Sesquarcentennial Man. Who is (or was) he? How many descendants has he? And most urgently, who’s cashing his social security checks. Elon, can you help us out here?
Well, let’s see. Today is Mardi Gras. Interestingly, it is celebrated in Dunwich but with a local twist. Because the Great Old Ones are devout Roman Catholics (go figure) they forego eating humans during the entirety of Lent so tonight they have a wild party where they make an enormous cauldron of jambalaya (5,000 gallons) and garnish it with any local elected officials they can find within the town limits. So, for that reason I’m currently hiding in an abandoned fallout shelter with the Elder Sign emblazoned on the bolted hatch. Above me I can hear the screams of the Dunwich Town Clerk, Treasurer and Tax Collector as they’re paraded down Bourbon Street on the way to dinner. Well, nobody likes them anyway. They voted to increase taxes and wouldn’t let us put up that Trump sign behind the Town Hall so boo hoo!
It’s kind of boring down here. All I have is an internet connection, a dart board and ten thousand sugar cubes. I’m trying to build a pyramid with them but it looks kind of crooked. It really adds to my respect for those Egyptians. First off, I now see why they didn’t use sugar as a building material. After all, the slaves building the pyramid might be tempted to lick one of the blocks surreptitiously. Multiply that by a billion licks and now you’re looking at real issues. I’m guessing type 2 diabetes would have been rampant, so there’s that. It really makes you think.
But now Donald Trump is starting his speech. He’s speaking to a joint session of Congress and the Democrats are all holding what look like ping pong paddles with catchy slogans like “Trump Sucks” and “Pelosi is Still Hot” emblazoned on them. After a particularly provocative anecdote about how ugly Chuck Schumer’s wife is up jumps Billy Dee Williams and threatens Trump with a golden handled cane.
Trump jumps down from the podium and joins Billy Dee in a spirited fencing match. I believe he borrowed an umbrella from Speaker Johnson. Luckily for everyone involved the Sergeant at Arms trips Billy Dee from behind and put him in a full nelson hold before giving him the bum’s rush. After taking a few bows, Trump returned to the lectern and continues his remarks on his photos from his trip to Las Vegas with Mitch McConnell. Riveting stuff.
Oh wait, I made all that stuff up in my head.
Actually, Trump’s address was quite effective. He gave a long list of the frivolous causes that DOGE discovered that have wasted literally billions of dollars of taxpayer money. One of the funniest revelations was of the age of some of the social security recipients. I guess the most egregious was a man who was reportedly 350 years old. Now this was just one case. There were also actual millions of social security beneficiaries that were over 120 years of age. Think of that.
He described the atrocities that illegal aliens have caused to our people; the murders and rapes and the fact that he has now closed off the border and is deporting illegals at a record pace. Trump reported that the military with the aid of the Pakistani government have recently apprehended the leader of the group responsible for the suicide bombing of American troops during the botched withdrawal from Afghanistan. And he reiterated how incompetently Biden managed that withdrawal.
He announced his intent to end the Ukrainian war and revealed that Zelensky has sent him a message saying he is now ready to get involved in peace talks and also wants to sign the rare earth metals contract.
Trump highlighted the steps he’s taking to lower energy costs. And he highlighted all of the failures of the Biden administration. It was a very long list.
All in all, it was an entertaining talk. The impression is of a President confident in his ability to make America great again. The Democrats on the other hand appeared to be a bunch of petulant children. Interesting.
