Dramatis Personae: President Trump – (PT); Vice President Pence – (VPP); Sean Hannity – (SH); Charlie Rose – (CR); Matt Lauer – (ML); Harvey Weinstein – (HW); Tom Brokaw – (TB)
Scene 1- 8am White House West Wing; Oval Office
PT – Mike. Mike. PENCE!!!! Where the hell are you?
VPP – Right here Mr. President. What seems to be the problem now?
PT – I’ve got a text message from Sean Hannity saying the fake news boys want to have a secret conference with me.
VPP – That seems fairly unusual. I’d suspect some kind of trap.
PT – You’re too suspicious Mike. But if I do have them here I’ll make sure the Secret Service uses cavity searches and their new cosmic ray scan. That should fry any electronics they’re hiding and their brains and gonads. But since they have neither there shouldn’t be a problem.
VPP – Very prudent sir. But please show particular restraint in what you say. They are not your friends.
PT – Duh. Set up the White House bunker and go over the details with Hannity. I’ve got a movie date with the First Lady. We’re getting an advance screening of Deadpool 2. It’s gonna be epic. I’m gonna wear my costume.
VPP – Oh good.
Scene 2 – 10 pm, White House bunker; A room half full of journalists and the President entering with his Secret Service Detail.
SH – Thanks for taking time out for these Media celebrities Mr President. They were very anxious to meet with you.
PT – Sean, what the hell are you talking about? These aren’t celebrities. They’re disgraced losers. Just look at them. They’re all wearing track suits and I don’t think any of them has showered this month. Now I’m feeling bad for the Secret Service guys who had to administer the cavity searches.
SH – In many ways you are right but please hear them out. They’ve really suffered a lot and they need your help.
PT – Sean, you’re really starting to slip. Well tell them to make it snappy. I have to have the Deadpool 2 disc back in three hours and I want to watch it again.
SH – Yes, Mr. President.
PT – Alright Brokaw, what do you want?
TB – Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unjust for a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist such as myself to be hounded from the newsroom by the #metoo movement while a proven philanderer and solicitor of prostitutes such as yourself is allowed to keep the highest office in the land and wield the almost god-like power of the nuclear button?
PT – No! Next.
TB – Hey, you can’t …
PT – Toss him on the street and don’t be gentle. (Brokaw is noisily manhandled out of the room by the Secret Service)
PT – Next. Alright Charlie Rose, what’s your story?
CR – Mr. President. If you’ll make a few phone calls and set up a spot for me on Fox I can guarantee that you’ll be my first interview. Now my journalistic integrity won’t permit me to overlook your racist positions on immigration and affirmative action but if you show sufficient contrition and agree to appointing Hillary Clinton to your cabinet as Attorney General I can guarantee to at least keeping an open mind about endorsing you in 2020 or at least treating you like John McCain, you know mild disdain.
PT – Rose you’re the creepiest looking dude since that guy on Tales from the Crypt. You give gropers a bad name. Guys don’t just rough him up. Water board him for a week or two. (Rose is dragged away whining morosely as usual)
PT – Next! What about you Lauer?
ML – You know I’ve changed my mind. I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.
PT – Yeah, well, bye. Give my regards to Savannah and Hoda. Oh, that’s right, they don’t take your calls anymore, pervert. (Lauer is escorted out of the room)
PT – Well, Weinstein, you’re the only one left. But you’re not even a journalist. Why are you here?
HW – Mr. President, I’m not a journalist, I’m a business man just like you. And as a fellow businessman you know how unfair it is to mix business and personal life when business decisions are made. And because of that I want you to grant me a presidential pardon and get the Hollywood Commission to reinstate me at the Weinstein Company. If you do this for me I’ll donate generously to your campaign fund and I’ll see to it that many beautiful starlets are available for, let us say, private conferences.
PT – Harvey, you potted plant polluter, there are no words to describe my disgust at your lack of class. Let’s face it, the way you look, you should have been honest enough to admit to yourself that all your sex would be on a cash basis. Guys, just get him out of here as quickly as possible and make sure all the vegetable life in the White House has been disinfected before the First Lady wakes up tomorrow. (Weinstein is given the bum’s rush out the door)
PT – Hannity I have half a mind to ban you from the White House for a year. What made you think I had anything to say to these losers?
SH – Well Mr. President, not to put too fine a point on it, I assumed that your treatment at the hands of the Pussy Hat brigade would make you at least somewhat sympathetic toward their plight. After all, how different are you from them?
PT – Sean, that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said. The difference between them and me is they don’t understand women. I do. They try to coerce women who work for them into doing what they don’t want to do. I only want women who are convinced I’m the best deal they’ll ever find.
SH – What about Stormy Daniels?
PT – That was just a pit stop. And besides nobody twisted her arm, or anything else if I recall correctly. So Sean, the next time you get a call from one of these guys, just hang up and dip the phone in Lysol.
SH – Yes Mr. President, sorry Mr. President.