Tag: presidential election

Monday’s Debate without the Fantasy

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Watching yesterday’s debate was a fascinating, frustrating informative look at this year’s election dynamic.  The most important fact I observed was that Donald Trump was the first Republican since Ronald Reagan who knew how to stand up to the moderator at a debate and say what he needed to say.

Think of the pathetic image of Mitt Romney being corrected by Candy Crowley on something that he had gotten right.  And that he meekly allowed her to get away with it.  Compare that to Trump.  Not only did he object to many things Hillary said (and while she was still speaking) but when Lester Holt tried to correct him on Stop and Frisk, Trump corrected Holt!  It was a pleasure to hear and see.  Trump may have been rambling and repetitive a lot of the time but at least he wasn’t cowed by the tag team of Clinton and Holt.  He asserted his opinion and it was a breath of fresh air.

Trump was even able to overcome the overtly biased nature of the questions.  Whereas Clinton was given neutral questions about her policy direction, Holt singled out Trump to defend his decision not to release his income tax records.  And to his credit he skillfully turned it right around on Clinton by declaring that he would release his income tax records just as soon as Hillary recovered the 33,000 e-mails that she has deleted.  It is this kind of verbal jiu-jitsu that distinguishes the effective debate performance of Trump from the weak passive performance of the last four or five republican presidential contenders.

Let me be clear.  Trump is no Reagan.  He is not a deep thinker.  He’s a salesman.  But he knows enough about scams to know that all of us are being scammed by the politicians.  He is an American and I think he empathizes with the common man.  Is he trustworthy?  Not if you’re buying steaks or college courses.  But that’s not what he’s selling.  What he’s offering is his expertise in negotiating with sharp operators. Some commentators friendly to Trump believe he avoided overtly attacking Clinton on personal matters (such as Bill’s womanizing and assaults) because it might have seemed overly aggressive. I think they’re right. He came off as a relatively moderate version of Trump which robbed his enemies (i.e., all of the MSM) of their charge that Trump is irrational. No national poll has been issued since the debate but a number of instant polls have appeared and the majority show people believe Trump won.

We’re six weeks out and two more debates to go. Where do I think we are? I’m starting to think Trump is going to pull it off. I fully expect the NYT, WP and NBC will come out with polls showing Hillary up by some enormous amount (6 to 10 points). But if the other polls (LAT, Rasmussen, Reuters, etc.) don’t move much or at all then I think he’ll win. My hope is that in fact some of the polls will even show him ahead by a significant amount (3 – 5 points). But that’s not even necessary yet. Just the fact that he’s right on her tail will be enough.

In short I feel the Trumpocalypse is afoot. Take cover.

Trump vs the Undead

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Donald Trump (DT)  Hey Bannon!  Where’s my Deadpool suit? I left it on this chair five minutes ago and now it’s gone.  We’ve got a thief around here.  Call Christie.  He used to be a cop or a judge or something.

Campaign Chief Executive Stephen Bannon (SB)  No Mr. Trump.  It wasn’t stolen.  I had it put in the closet.

(DT)  You stole my costume?  Whose side are you on?  Even Rosie O’Donnell never stole my stuff.  And she’s the worst person in the world you know.

(SB)  Governor Christie called me about your George Washington Bridge plan.  I told the Secret Service and they stopped all the arrangements you were making.  Mr. Trump you realize how dangerous and irresponsible your plan is don’t you?

(DT)  Relax.  It was gonna be done with CGI.  You know. Green screen (or blue screen or sun screen or something).  Come on Bannon we’re behind in this race.  We’ve gotta shake things up.  Start thinking outside the box.  That’s why I hired you.

(SB)  Well CGI is okay but I think we need to do something a little less uhhh … symbolic and a little more focused.

(DT)  Well then, you come up with something and hurry up.  I hate to be behind that old bag of bones.

(SB)  Bag of bones?  Hmmm.  I think I’ve got an interesting idea. All of Hillary’s recent health problems, the coughing, the spastic tics, the cackle, the slips and falls, could be explained if we found out that she had died years ago during that surgery for her broken elbow back in 2009.

(DT)  But if she died what is she doing walking around?

(SB)  Exactly.  The walking dead.  We’ll locate a doctor who can explain how the Hillary beast could have been re-animated using either black magic or some kind of zombie elixir. Then we’ll get some legal scholars to show that once she died and was revived her age reset to newborn and therefore she’s too young to fulfill the minimum age limit for president.

(DT)  And they say I’m crazy.  Do you seriously believe anyone is gonna buy the idea that Hillary is seven years old.  I mean, come on!  Look at her.  She’s a gargoyle.

(SB)  All right.  If you don’t like zombie how about vampire?  She always seems to be covered with make-up.  That could be to protect her skin from bursting into flames in the sunlight.  It would explain why she couldn’t stay out at the World Trade Center.  And it would account for her new vehicle.  Obviously she’s keeping a coffin full of the dirt of her homeland in the car to revive her after the weakening effects of the sun.  That explains why an hour later she was revived.  How’s that for thinking outside the “box?”

(DT)  Actually, I could believe that one.  But are you sure that will help me?  I hear kids actually empathize with vampires in stories nowadays.

(SB)  Actually more of them sympathize with werewolves than with vampires.  It would be Team Donald versus Team Hillary and we’d mop the floor with them.  We could establish that you were bitten by a werewolf while helping out down in Louisiana and now you sprout thick hair during the full moon and devour illegal aliens you run across.

(DT)  Sprout thick hair?  Hmm.  Maybe this werewolf thing isn’t as bad as it sounds.  Seems like there could be some advantages.  Could I tape some of my campaign commercials during my good hair, I mean werewolf phase?

(SB)  Well Mr. Trump I’m no expert on lycanthropy but once you transform I believe the only thing you’ll be able to do is rip people to shreds.

(DT)  Interesting.  Bannon I have a side job for you to take care of.  I want you to set up a media event.  Hire Rosie O’Donnell to debate me on air during the full, I mean next week.  Offer whatever she wants, but don’t pay upfront.  And take out the usual double indemnity policy on her.  I just have this feeling.

(SB)  Mr. Trump, come on, you’re not a werewolf.

(DT)  Bannon, while I was down in Louisiana we had a little incident with something they call a Loup Garou.  Know what that is?

(SB) Yes.

(DT)  Good.  Go call Rosie.

(SB)  Okay Mr. Trump.  I’m assuming we won’t actually broadcast this meeting.  That might negatively impact the campaign.

(DT)  Definitely not.  Just keep a copy of the video for my private use.  Oh and be sure to leave some floss and a toothbrush at the studio.  She looks like she could be kinda tough.

(SB)  Certainly Mr. Trump.  All will be arranged as you want.

(DT)  See now I know I was right hiring you.  You’re a very reasonable man.

September 11th Election Update

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September 11th is too solemn a day for me to publish a Trump comedy. I’ll just sum up the bizarre combination that surrounds the events of this day and the impressions they leave. When September 11th 2001 occurred there was still the semblance of a united country. That has long since dissolved into a hodge podge of leftist grievance groups, disillusioned citizens and ignorant children. Watching as Clinton puts on the clown hat that Trump has momentarily dropped is tragically funny. To see the US presidency contested by two truly awful human beings and realize that in some sense each one is sort of what the country deserves is simultaneously enormously funny and heartbreakingly tragic.

But we have no choice but to see it through. As I’ve said before I look forward to the election’s completion.

If Clinton wins then I can read a eulogy over the United States of America. Hillary intends to appoint leftists to the Supreme Court and gut the 1st and 2nd amendments. That will more or less end the experiment started in 1776. It will also end my concerns with this sinking ship. After that I’ll just concentrate on me and mine and any like minded folks I find. Amen.

If Trump wins I’ll be almost disappointed because I won’t be out of my misery. I’ll still have to bang my head against the wall over the endless foibles of the lunatic asylum that Trump will usher in. But I guess the old saying about life and hope remains. So let’s say that would still be the more favorable outcome.

Anyway after the bizarre occurrences of Hillary’s fainting spell it’s not beyond possibility that the democrats end up with a different candidate. Maybe Fauxcahantas or Crazy Uncle Joe. Either way we are about to see a circus like nothing dreamed of before. Watching Trump berate the democrat candidate and the democrat moderators will be close to a Monty Python skit. After this morose and boring post I’ll try to uphold my plan of mock chronicling the election as a farce with all the mockery and sarcasm that both sides richly deserve. With any luck Trump will prevail and I’ll be able to continue the comedy in the inaugural season. If Hillary wins I’ll have to quit this project. Under her regime this writing would probably be a felony. I’ll move on to something more profitable (and less candid).

So stay tuned for the fun. I predict that Mr Trump will continue his fascination with popular culture and bring great enthusiasm and dignity to all of his endeavors. And since I’m currently fascinated by all things Deadpool I predict more mashups of the two. After all what better metaphor can there be for the current chain reaction pile-up that is our world than the opening scene of Deadpool with a slow motion view of a spinning, tumbling car crash complete with mayhem and bodies ejecting to their deaths all to the tune of Just Call Me Angel In the Morning?

Trump vs October

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Scene:  Trump home,  90th floor of New Trump Tower

Donald Trump (DT): Melania, Where’s my Halloween costume?

Melania Trump (MT): I don’t know schmoopy, what does it look like?

DT: It’s a Dead Pool costume, schmoopy.

MT: I do not know the Ned Poole.

DT: Not Ned Poole, Dead Pool. He’s a super hero who kills bad guys and makes fun of them at the same time. He’s a lot like me only poorer and he kills bad guys. Also he’s very popular. If I dress up like him I’m sure to get the youth vote.

MT: Okay, what does it look like.

DT: Well it’s your typical lycra spandex super hero suit with a mask that completely covers the face.

MT: Schmoopy, I don’t think spandex is your look.

DT: Don’t worry there is molded body armor underneath to … ummm? … contour my physique.

MT: Will it compensate for “small hands?”

DT: I have no idea what you’re talking about… but yes it will.

MT: But doesn’t covering your face detract from your biggest advantage?

DT: My stunning good looks?

MT: Uh… yeah that too, but I was thinking about your famousness.

DT: Already have it covered. The costume will be customized to show my hair.

MT: Okay good choice but I haven’t seen this costume in the 90th floor bedroom. Maybe it’s in the 88th floor closet or maybe the 97th floor closet.

DT: What the hell is going on around here? The system is breaking down. I need that costume right away. It’s almost Halloween and I have to start practicing my walk for the Halloween Presidential Debate Red Carpet stroll.

MT: But schmoopy that’s two whole months from now.

DT: I know but there’s a lot of preparation. I have to identify the rest of my entourage. I’m going to need a side-kick. I guess that’ll be Pence (oh boy!) and a super villian, probably dress Chris Christie up as Hillary (he’ll need some extra padding now), and a super hot girlfriend in a see-through skin-tight, topless thong arrangement.

MT: Well at least you don’t have to look for her. I have just the outfit, it’s perfect.

DT: Uh schmoopy I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MT: Why? Just because I’m gonna be the First Lady I can’t show off the merchandise.

DT: Uh … yeah, that’s it. But also for this occasion I’ll need to maximize the effect. I’ll need someone between twenty two and twenty two and a third years old. It’s been researched. I’m depending on getting the young nerd vote and any one older will turn them off.

MT: Oh!!! This politics is ruining our lives. You told me I had at least three more years before I’m too old for you! This is most unfair.

DT: No, no schmoopy, it’s made things better. After I win the election you’ll have at least four years. I’ll need to sew up the second term and it wouldn’t be smart to dump you in the middle of the campaign. You see, it’s a win/win.

MT: Oh schmoopy, you’re so smart. So tell me more about this Dead Pool. Why does he wear a mask? To hide his secret identity?

DT: No, he’s horribly disfigured. Boy I’m glad I’m not really him. It would be a terrible loss to the culture to lose this beautiful face. I mean think of it. If I weren’t this handsome I would never have been able to capture you.

MT: Huh? Oh yes, yes. That’s right. A girl needs a handsome face. That’s all, that’s all. Sure, sure. Uh listen schmoopy, I’ve got to go out right now I’m trying on a few platinum and emerald ball gowns for the Inauguration and I can’t decide whether they are too traditional. I’ll see you tonight in Sydney for the Opera.

DT: No can do schmoopy. I’ve got to get this Dead Pool thing straightened out. The election and the country are depending on me to get this right. Otherwise, disaster.

MT: Suit yourself. (Heads out the door.)

DT: …Now where was I? Oh yeah, (selects a contact on his phone and it rings). Hello Christie, yeah go ahead with the Hillary costume. I don’t care if powder blue makes your ass look big. And also I’ll need you to close up traffic on the George Washington Bridge for a few hours. Oh stop complaining you’re not gonna get re-elected anyway. If it makes a difference we won’t do it during rush hour. I need to be able to jump off one of the cables and crash through the roof of a car while playing “Just Call Me Angel In the Morning.” Why? You’re asking why?  Don’t you know anything about becoming President?

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Trump vs Manning Up: ( A Hopeful Fantasy)

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Location: National Guard base in Louisiana

Secret Service Agent (SSA): Mr. Trump, the motorcade is ready for the trip back to the airport.

Donald Trump (DT): Okay Joseph. I’m just sending a text home. How long should I say it will take us to get back to the airport?

SSA: Three hours sir.

DT: Three hours? That can’t be right. It only took 45 minutes to get here.

SSA: We have to detour around the area we accessed earlier. The National Guard is in there now and we might get stuck behind some major rescue operation or caught in a swamped out road. It may get kind of uncomfortable in there.

DT: Might? May? Come on Joseph, man up! If we’re lucky we’ll save more than two hours and be in New York in time for dinner.

SSA: If you insist sir.

(Fifteen minutes down the road)

DT: Joseph, what’s the delay.

SSA: There’s a convoy at the intersection bringing out some families from the low ground ahead. We’ll be moving in a minute.

DT: Good.

DT: Lotta kids and old people there.

SSA: Yes, sir.

DT: They look beat.

SSA: Yes sir. They’re scared and tired. Alright we’ll be going on now.

DT: Ahh, okay, good.

(Ten minutes later)

DT: Oh my God. Look at those houses. They’re submerged! Is there anyone inside.

SSA: No sir. This is where those people you saw used to live.

DT: Ohh.  Uncomfortable you said.

SSA:  Yes.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph, where are they gonna put those people.

SSA: Temporary shelters. Military bases. Actually they’re trying to figure that out now.

DT: Ohh.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph.

SSA: Yes, Mr Trump.

DT: Head back to the command base.

SSA: But we’ll be late sir.

DT: I guess I’m already almost too late, Joseph.

SSA: As you said sir, man up.

DT:  Yep.

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August 21st 2016 Election Status Report

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The USC Dornsife/Los Angeles Times Presidential Poll is a rolling poll that is updated daily. It’s based on a 3,000 eligible voters. Today Donald Trump is ahead of Hillary Clinton 45% to 43%. What does this mean? Well, actually who knows. What it means to me is that a non-republican polling group has Trump ahead. To me that makes it credible. It doesn’t mean he’s definitely winning. But it does mean that those ridiculous polls by every left wing pollster imaginable showing Hillary ahead by 10% or 15% or even 20 % are a bunch of crap.

And that’s important. It means the drive by media will attempt another hit piece about Trump eating baby unicorns. It also means that Louisiana and the other bad news for democrats stories have had some traction. Labor Day is getting close and it’s time for the campaigns to switch into high gear. Expect endless political commercials and endless democrat outrage at anything Trump says. Well, it’s time for him to up his game. And based on the last week’s worth of speeches (in Milwaukee and Louisiana) I think he might be ready.

Hopefully Trump’s folks are ready to start spending money on advertising. I just hope they use it to go for the throat. Playing it safe isn’t what got him this far and it isn’t what he needs to pull ahead. The appeal to black voters was smart and also innovative. It speaks to the fundamental weakness of the democrat coalition. A few more jabs like that would put a good scare into the dems and might even get some votes from unexpected quarters.

I think focusing on the Millennials would be a very smart move. They are the primary recipients of the Obama economic meltdown. The Bernie voters are still out there and ripe for the picking. Another good move might be focusing on some cultural factors. Playing up the political correctness aspects of progressive organizations and groups and how they restrict the freedom of everyday people would seem to be fertile ground for campaigning.

Finally I think pointing up the most obnoxious qualities and policies of Obama (IRS attacks, executive orders putting coal miners out of work) is a political winner. So prepare for the two-fold narrative push:

1) Hillary is already a “lock.”

2) Have you heard the latest Trump gaffe?

That’s what the Trump campaign needs to push back on. Hopefully they’ve put together a good strategy. If there are going to be debates I expect that will be Hillary’s weakest link. She’s not very good off the cuff. The only thing he has to be careful about is looking to mean to the old bag.

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