Tag: presidential election

The Pause before the Plunge

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Since December 22nd I have been in a veritable cocoon of self-imposed isolation from the world.  I have left the grounds only three times and only once for more than an hour.  I have spent this time, for the most part, reveling in the blissful sloth of a long holiday vacation.  I have eaten delicious and unhealthy food until it is coming out of my ears.  I sat around and watched so many holiday and “classic” movies that I’m tempted to nominate Bing Crosby for sainthood.  And, of course I read so much political news that I feel sure that Trump will give me the nod for Veterans Administration head just on the merits.

But now it’s time to emerge from my cocoon.  Tomorrow (shudder!), I will make the commute back to the office and reconnect with the real world.  I’m not sure what to expect.  I know my desk will be covered with paperwork (actual and virtual) and it will be a week before I’m dug out.  In fact, the beginning of the year is a sprint of deliverables and meetings that will keep me hopping for weeks.  Good, the status quo is restored.

But it’s not.  The impending Trump presidency hangs over everyone like some alien spacecraft hovering over a large city in a sci fi thriller.  Either it’s going to be Independence Day and the hellfire is about to rain down or it’s Star Trek IV and we’re all gonna be bored by some sermon on saving the whales.  But either way it’s up there and until we know which it will be it’s hard to pretend that finishing that power point presentation on quarterly highlights is the most important thing in the world.

Of course, we have to wait another two and a half weeks until this Obama joker gets finished trashing the government and golfing on our nickel.  I doubt there’s a less welcome player on the world stage than BO.  Not even his own party can stand him.  But he’s determined to cause the maximum annoyance until they pull the curtain down on this clown.  Lord, give me patience.

But regardless if you’re Ann Coulter or Rosie O’Donnell there’s no denying that Donald Trump is the biggest story and none of us know for sure exactly what he’ll do.  Now, I’m firmly ensconced on the right periphery of the political spectrum.  I hope that Trump starts off his administration with a rapid reversal of all Obama’s executive orders and moves on to appointing Torquemada to the Supreme Court and Genghis Khan to the Justice Department.  Then they could take on a joint project of structuring a RICO prosecution that includes BLM and George Soros.  But only someone who has been asleep for the last thirty years can be unaware of how badly reality can deviate from even the most reasonable forecasts.

In early 1992 no one could have seen GHW Bush losing to Bill Clinton.  During the Gulf War his poll numbers were stratospheric.  Equally improbable was GW Bush’s failure to reckon with the American people’s dissatisfaction with his interminable wars in the Mid-East.  These were political blunders that led to Bill Clinton and Barack Obama respectively.  What they should teach us is that the president can’t have a tin political ear.  If you pull the levers of power and they cause pain to the people who vote, you’d better be able to convince them that it’s for something they want.  So, there’s the question, is Trump more like Reagan or more like a Bush.

I’m actually pretty certain that Donald Trump is closer to the former than the latter.  And that gives me hope.  I can see him striking deals with even some democrats that will satisfy voters and boost consumer confidence.  Of course, the flip-side of this would be, Trump moving so far to the left that he would be indistinguishable from Hillary Clinton.  This I find unlikely.  Based on the people he’s putting in place, I think he wants to make some big changes.  His picks for Education, Energy and the EPA are affronts to the liberals.  I can see how he intends to lighten the ship in those departments.  Also his pick for Defense is a signal that fun and games are over for the Army.

All in all, I find myself quite optimistic about 2017.  The best part of having a character like Donald Trump in the White House is that his famously thin skin should allow for some truly memorable Twitter rants against some of my least favorite people.  Can you imagine him disinviting the Kennedys and the Clintons from some state affair and broadcasting it on social media?  And my favorite Trump fantasy is the defunding of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.  Can you imagine the panic?  All those completely talentless television and radio personalities vying to remain on the only viable shows (Sesame Street and other kids shows) or trying to find spots at the already beleaguered operations of the other networks.  The beg-athons would have to become epic in scope and basically unending.  Probably for the right size donation you could have Ken Burns as your butler for a couple of years (and a tote bag).

Another way that Trump will probably excel past presidents is press conferences.  I’m trying to imagine how it won’t be entertaining and I just can’t.  I’m guessing that some of the reporters will challenge him from the start and I’m guessing he’ll ban them from the White House.  And if he doesn’t like the articles the White House beat reporters write I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts trolling the comments sections of the NYT and WP.  The best will be when he gives exclusive interviews to Ann Coulter and Breitbart’s Milo Yiannopoulis.  The rest of the media will rail against this favoritism and decry the softball questions (as if the Obama deference never happened).  It will be fantastic.

And finally, I look forward to the photo op where he sets the cornerstone for the wall.  That’s when I’ll know we’ve arrived.

Giving Thanks for a Short Respite – Part II

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Giving Thanks for a Short Respite – Part 1

Here we are almost a month after part one of this thread and the warm glow from the election has not dissipated.  If anything, it has increased.  Donald Trump has surprised almost all of the critics (other than the democrat hacks who if even Einstein were the republican candidate would deny he was smart enough to count on his fingers).  His cabinet selections have been good, very good.  Personally, my favorite is the pick for EPA Administrator, Scott Pruitt.  Pruitt is the Oklahoma attorney general and he has been involved in stopping the EPA from imposing CO2 restrictions on the energy industry.  This sort of clear and direct approach to reversing the outrages of the Obama administration, I think, bodes very well for Trump’s success.  In addition, the extreme panic and indignation on exhibit over this particular selection is both amusing and instructive.  These folks realize that they are not dealing with the hapless Bushes or some equally ineffective mainstream republican.  We’re gonna get to move the chains in a big way.

So, I kept my promise and I did not speak about the election or politics with my friends or relatives of the other persuasion at Thanksgiving.  I intend to maintain this policy through to the New Year and possibly beyond.  The idea of separating friends and families from political debate was sound.  No good or gain would come of it.  Anyway, it would be overkill.  I’m so saturated with schadenfreude through reading and watching reports of the progressives’ fury and panic that I’m almost poisoned with it.  So, I’m done with it.

The time is better spent enjoying the holidays.  There are books and movies to read and see.  There are grandsons, nephews and nieces to regale with tall tales and bribe with presents.  There will be mountains of splendiferous food; lobster, lamb, turkey, ham, lasagna, sausage and bean soup, eggplant parmigiana and breads, rice and potato dishes enough to feed a small village.  After that we’ll eat desserts until diabetic shock sets in.  Pies; apple, blueberry, strawberry rhubarb, coconut custard, sweet potato, Boston crème and three kinds of pumpkin.  Pastries; sfogliatelle, lobster tails, tiramisu and several kinds of cannoli.  And we’ll drink gallons of coffee.  And for those who indulge, there’ll be enough wine and booze to float a boat.

So, looking ahead to the Inauguration and the First 100 Days what should we expect?  I think the question that needs to be answered is whether Senator McConnell has the stomach to go nuclear to get the cabinet and supreme court appointments confirmed.  Recently he’s showed some backbone but it’s too soon to say.  Luckily, McConnell is about to find out that pressure can come from both sides of the divide.  I don’t doubt that Trump will use the bully pulpit and public opinion to get what he needs.  After that I’m assuming we’ll see a bunch of Obama executive actions rescinded and new ones put in place.  Also, I think we’ll hear what will be replacing Obamacare and how the immigration measures will be initiated.  Eventually I hope to see how Trump plans to increase employment.  Changes to the corporate tax code to encourage increases to domestic employment would be the best way.

So, here’s to everybody’s holidays.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Enjoy yourself and save your energy for 2017 and the fireworks to come.

The Coffee Walk Bunch II – The Trumpocalypse Aftermath

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For those who read my earlier post, The Coffee Walk Bunch , this is the follow-up.  I was away from the office on some training during election week.  There were some e-mails to acknowledge the momentous events but the face to face had to wait until the next Monday.  To say it was a contrast to the pre-election mood would be a gross understatement.  That  dispirited assemblage of men had been replaced by a jolly band of strutting conquistadores.  Gone was all defeatism.  Cast aside was the doom and gloom.  All talk was of the stunning victory and the accompanying despair of the progressives.  Schadenfreude was rampant.  And personally gratifying was the acknowledgement of my brilliance as a steadfast proclaimer of the Trump victory.  In fact my Tubman wager (although not literally possible to collect on due to the unavailability of a Tubman $20 bill) was celebrated with a framed and inscribed Jackson presented with all appropriate acclamation for the winner (that was me).  I modestly accepted the winnings and gave a brief and animated address on the folly of betting against someone of my obvious accomplishments.  Enthusiasm for this speech was, in my opinion, undeservedly muted and they instead congratulated themselves for being on the winning side.  I let this Trump Triumphalism go on for about fifteen minutes just to be fair and also because I really enjoyed it too.

After that I brought them back to earth.  “So you think God is in his heaven and all’s right with the world in this best of all possible worlds.  Suckers!  All you’ve got is a reprieve.”  I spelled out the problems they faced.

  1.  Although Trump had shown great discernment in identifying immigration as the underlying issue that needed to be addressed by a candidate, there was no way of knowing if he could or would solve that problem.
  2. The Democrats wouldn’t just fold up and go away and let Trump and Republicans have a free hand in undoing the Obama agenda.
  3. Trump was a completely unpredictable player.  He might be a great help or he might actually do great harm to the country.
  4. Regardless of eventual success or failure of the Trump presidency, the weeks and months ahead would be full of frustration and uncertainty.
  5. The country itself had not unified.  A few hundred thousand votes in a handful of states separated the progressives and conservatives from majority to minority.  The nation was just as disunited as ever.  Probably more so, based on the post election violence on display.

I’m not sure if they believed my assessment.  I’m not sure if I wanted them to believe it.  After all, the holidays are supposed to be a time of happiness and generous spirit even toward your enemies.  Maybe we should embrace optimism at this time of year.  It’s definitely more enjoyable than pessimism.  Even the lousy coffee served by the cafeteria was described as better by those who somehow imbibe it.  So I’ll grant them their respite until the Obama retreat.  Then we’ll renew debate and solve the world’s problems, one lousy cup of joe at a time.

Giving Thanks for a Short Respite

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As Rooster Cogburn said “I am grown old.”  I’ve lived through the horror of the Kennedy assassination, Nixon’s resignation, Carter’s humiliation, Clinton’s disgrace, Bush’s frittering away of the American hegemony and Obama’s deconstruction of its greatness.  I no longer harbor any illusions about happily ever after.  When Trump reaches the White House we will witness a wave of vitriol unleashed by the left that will infect every stratum of American life.  Their drumbeat of accusation will be relentless and exhausting.  Even if Trump manages to achieve much of what he intends and even if this corresponds to what I want done it will not be fun.  It will be akin to fighting the hydra, a multi-headed monster that refuses to die.  It will be exhausting.

And that brings me to my thesis.  Thanks to Donald Trump (and divine Providence) for allowing us a holiday season before the ordeal.  I will take the opportunity to celebrate and spend time with family and friends, to eat, drink and be merry.  In fact, I’ll go one better.  I have close relatives who are committed progressives.  They are probably extremely dejected over the election loss.  If the conversation turned to the subject of the election it would probably cause them lots of discomfort.  So, for that reason I will make a point of not discussing the election or Trump.  If anyone else does I will not join in and instead attempt to steer it away from this subject.

Why?  After all, the schadenfreude would be considerable.  These folks had taken great pleasure in Obama’s every disruption of American life.  They had indulged in the vilification of Bush during the Iraq War.  They thoroughly deserve to be gloated at.  They’ve richly earned it.  Why won’t I do it?  Because it’s too dangerous.

I’m becoming convinced that an open breach is building up in America.  There will be some pretty powerful hate unleashed on both side of this divide.  Many friendships and families will be torn up and I want to do whatever I can to steer it away from my family.  I have seen what happen once you let the genie out of the bottle.  You can’t unsay things.  The poison remains in the wound and never fully heals over.  Some people say that this is a better way to handle these political differences, to have your say and walk away from the other side and not come back.  I don’t agree.

I have always felt that family is the absolute bedrock foundation of life.  Turning your back on a brother or sister was tantamount to gnawing off a limb, an act that can only be justified if your very life is at stake but still so awful that the survival is a pyrrhic victory.  And the election has been so ugly and the anger has been so corrosive that it would only take a few rounds of escalating rhetoric to blow up a holiday gathering into a political hate fest.

So, that is why if someone tells me that Donald Trump stole the election from Hillary and that he is not her president I will answer, “okay, but please pass the mashed potatoes, and here are the candied yams for your side of the aisle… I mean table.”

I’ll save my venom and scorn for the internet trolls who work for Soros and endlessly opine on the evil of white privilege, misogyny and the plight of the downtrodden.  I promise not to give them a single inch.  And I’ll continue to post all through the holidays to rally the troops.  But I’ll preserve a truce at the holiday table.

Happy Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years to both patriots and progressives.  Season’s greetings to all the families out there.  Rest up and enjoy.  Next year is going to be extremely busy.  Eat, drink and be merry.  You’re going to need it.

Of Trump, the Alt-Right and Me

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So, the Trumpocalypse came to pass, as foreseen by the Alt-Right.  Some will argue that he got lucky, that he was just as likely to choke and lose as badly as a mainstream republican like JEB!.  Possibly, but I don’t think so.  Reading the reasons that the Alt-Right give for Trump’s success I think they have identified some very important facts:

  1. There was a pool of white voters that felt unrepresented by both the democrats and republicans. These were the so-called Reagan Democrats who stopped voting after 1988.  They were forgotten by George Bush Senior and didn’t like what either the democrats or the republicans were doing to the heartland.  They were abandoned by the corporations who used globalization as a way to access cheap labor in Mexico and other developing countries.  This stayed the same under Clinton, Bush Junior and Obama.
  2. The Progressives have successfully moved forward an agenda over the course of the last fifty years that is aimed at progressively disadvantaging and demonizing white people in general and straight white men in particular. To achieve this, affirmative action laws and the progressives in the media and education were used to incrementally deprive them of opportunities and dignity.  The narrative of female and minority oppression at the hands of straight white men was endlessly reinforced on television, in the movies, in the news, at school and by government agencies that enforced these discriminatory practices.
  3. The Democrats were endeavoring to bring in enough Illegal immigrants to ensure that white Americans would no longer be a majority of voters. This would allow them to easily remove the parts of the Constitution (freedom of speech and right to bear arms) that interfere with them permanently controlling the country.
  4. And finally, the Republican Establishment, from Bush Senior on, was complicit in this immigrant plan as a way of providing cheap labor for their crony capitalist friends. In addition, they were allowing these corporations to shut down all major industrial activity in the US and move it to the third world (China).  This was the so-called new world order of Bush Senior.

The only one of these that is at all surprising is the last.  It had always seemed perplexing that Bush Junior was unable to achieve any conservative reform during his first term when he had a virtual mandate from heaven to do as he pleased and which Congress would rubber stamp.  He lowered some taxes but that was for his corporate friends more than for anyone else.  All his other efforts were indistinguishable from progressive programs.  Now it seems clear to me that the Bushes, McCain, Romney and most of the rest of them are identical to the Democrats.  They use fear of progressive control to get themselves re-elected every few years but they are much more interested in their own careers and the connections they cultivate in office than in helping to conserve the way of life that is systematically under attack from their friends on the other side of the aisle.

On all these points, I am now in unanimity with the Alt-Right.  Beyond this is where I differ.

Many (if not all) on the Alt-Right feel that racial differences preclude modern America from going forward as a united country.  They predict that the US will splinter into separate racial homelands with descendants of the British colonists self-segregating themselves into one nation and other groups dividing up along ethnic lines.  They state that a propositional nation based on rights and equal treatment will not last and shouldn’t.

They believe this will be sparked when white people become a minority in the US and revolt at the treatment they receive at the hands of the minority majority.  In their estimation, this would have preceded more quickly if Trump had lost the election.  They see a Trump administration as a band-aid and a delay before the inevitable revolt.  They believe that the other ethnic groups and their allies in the sexual grievance communities (women, the various sexual deviants) will push white men too far and they will secede from the country.

So here we are.  I will be the first to admit that much that they say about our present situation is accurate.  And I’d be the last to deny that the treatment of white men in the last fifty years has been outrageous.

From my point of view, the leftists have followed a strategy that will divide this country in much the same way Yugoslavia disintegrated.  This is a truly frightening possibility.  The misery and destruction such a conflict would represent is hard to overestimate.  When you consider the possibility of outside forces getting involved, the scope of the disaster could be virtually apocalyptic even on a global scale.

But I shy away from the idea that people can’t exist under a government that treats its people impartially.  To this end I tried to envision what changes to our government would forestall this rupture of the American people.  Here they are:

  1. The recognized status of the family uniquely defined as a man and a woman producing and raising children.
  2. The elimination of government interference with parents raising their children as they see fit.
  3. The elimination of affirmative action or protected status in any government law or program based on race, gender, sexual orientation or any other discriminatory factor.
  4. The elimination of government interference to free association. This includes any forced association by government decree.
  5. The elimination of automatic citizenship to the children of non-citizens.
  6. The curtailment of all but minimal immigration for the foreseeable future.

I believe that if these changes were made to the government, normalcy would be restored.  Of course, seeing these kinds of changes initiated would require action by the three branches of the government well beyond any effective action seen since the Great Society legislation of the 1960s.  So, it’s hard to see how this will happen.  And although I am unhappy with the Alt-Rights vision of the future, I don’t think I can dismiss it as unrealistic.  Based on the wide-ranging disruptions occurring every day around the world it’s a bold man who would preclude almost anything as impossible.  So, that’s where things stand.

I admit to the accuracy of the Alt-Right’s assessment of what is going on in the world right now.  I hope that they’re wrong about the fate of our country.  I think I see what changes would improve our union.  And I don’t have a sense of how likely it is that we’ll fix these problems.  Time will tell.  In the meantime I’ll enjoy the spectacle of the Trumpocalypse for as long as I can.

 

Trump vs The Wake-Up Call

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Scene:  Trump Headquarters, Election Day evening.

Donald Trump (DT) (Reclining back in his desk chair asleep and having a bad dream):  No, no.  I don’t want to eat the Supreme Court.  Sotomayor is too greasy, Ginsburg is too stringy and Kagan is too bitter!  No don’t force me to do it.  Don’t suspend the first amendment!  No, no, noooooo!

Melania Trump (MT)  (bending over and shaking Trump):  Wake up Schmoopy, you’re having the bad dream.

Mike Pence (MP):  Mrs. Trump is he alright?

Chris Christie (CC):  Yes, should we call an ambulance?

MT:  No he sometimes has the bad dreams.  They started after we went to the Clinton wedding.  Very scary.

DT:  Where am I?  Did I eat them?

MP:  Eat what?

DT:  The Supreme Court broads.

MT:  Why are you dreaming of having the oral sex with other women, you bad man?

DT:  No, not have sex with them, tear them to pieces and wolf down their flesh.

MT:  Oh, in that case it’s alright.

CC:  Mr. Trump have you gone out of your mind?  Why would you dream of such a thing?

DT:  Because I’m a werewolf.  Remember, after being bitten by a loup garou down in Louisiana after the flood, I became a werewolf and killed vampire Hillary Clinton during the debate and then during my first hundred days in office I was forced to eat the democrat members of Congress and the entire staff of the Departments of Education and Energy.

MP:  But Mr. Trump it’s only election day and none of those things happened.  Look at the TV screen on the wall.  They’re showing Clinton Campaign Headquarters and there she is and surrounded by all those democrats.

DT:  But you were there Mike and you were there Melania and you Chris.  And I ate Hillary and Biden and him and him and him too!  It all seemed so real and there were some meals that were really, really, gross but there were also some meals that were really, really good.  Like when I ate Oprah, it was exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

CC:  No Mr. Trump.  All those people are still alive and you’ve been right here asleep.

DT:  Well I’m glad I’m back because even though slaughtering your political opponents is very effective, it takes a terrible toll on your self-esteem and waistline.  And that’s why every time they told me I had to solve one of these political problems by digestion I told them I just wanted to go home to Queens.  And they sent me back and here I am.  And I’ll never leave again.

MT:  But Schmoopy, if you win tonight won’t you have to go to Washington the DC?

DT:  No.  I will sign an executive order making Queens the new capitol.

MP:  But Mr. Trump, all the federal personnel are in D.C.  The government won’t be able to enact business for years if you move the capitol.

DT:  That’s a feature Mike, not a bug.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant.  Without access to the presidency these bureaucrats won’t be able to spend money half as fast as they do now.  I should have thought of it with my brain,

MT:  And I should have felt it with my heart.

CC:  And I should have sensed it with my courageous political instinct.

DT:  Whatever.  Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll join everyone at the main screen.  But have someone send out for a snack.  I’m ravenous.  Better make it ice cream and put on the Oxygen Network during dinner.

The Coffee Walk Bunch

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So, I work with some guys.  They’re regular guys.  Most of them are about my age and mostly share my point of view on the direction the country is moving and whom they want to win in November.  Every workday morning, we trek down the incredibly long corridor of our corporate rat’s maze to the polished stainless counters of the company cafeteria where we get our free coffee.  Not all drink this brew.  I’ve always described the taste as a combination of battery acid and pencil shavings so I only make the daily journey for the camaraderie and exercise.

Over the last few months I have noted that two reactions have set in with this group.

One group is resigned to a Clinton victory.  I have been unable to budge them into hope.  The only good of this is the $20 bet (that we’ve dubbed a “tubman”) I have going with one of them.

The other group, of which I am a member, sees the possibility of a Trump victory.  Some limit their hope to this victory.  Nakedly apparent in their hope is the fear that they’re wrong.  Wrinkled brows are there during every bull session.  Hope is a thin veneer and comfort is slight.

But then there’s me.  I am calm.  I have finally faced my demons.  I have admitted to myself that the United States aren’t.  I now know that there are at least two (and probably several) distinct groups occupying the geographic territory known as the USA.

One of those groups was the one I thought was the US.  These are people who believed in all the traditions and values that until sixty years ago defined the way of life of almost all Americans.  Another of these groups is the progressives.  They believe the opposite.  Until recently I believed these people were mostly good hearted people who were mistaken as to the results of the policies they espoused.  I did not think that they were intent on destroying the traditional ways of life.  I now know I was wrong.  These people are intent on destroying everything that I believe is good in this world.  They want to put an end to the traditional family.  They want to outlaw the normal relations between men and women.  They are working to replace parental rights with state control of all aspects of child-rearing.  They desire to undermine all institutions that compete with the state bureaucracy.  And they want to eliminate the ability of people to oppose the state.

I could go on and on (and one future post I will) but suffice it to say these people are neither friends, allies or even countrymen.  They are the reason the Unites States has ceased to exist.

So, there I am.  I admit the US is gone.  I don’t have to worry whether the next president will maintain and strengthen the laws and institutions.  He won’t.  We’ll continue down the slope to Sodom.  My only responsibility is to identify the course of action that I will follow to minimize the damage to myself, my family and my friends.  This will involve subterfuge, dissemblance and devious tactics.  But once you recognize your opponents as such, it’s no longer necessary to treat them honorably.  And so, the tension about the fate of the country is gone.  And the worry goes away.  It’s quite liberating and almost fun.  It’s much easier to be the pirate than the preacher.

And that is what I’ve been telling the Coffee Walk Bunch.  It’s sort of the “don’t worry be happy” line.  It’s actually quite annoying to the folks worrying.  But I come by it legitimately.  You see I’ve been sweating all the elections and progressive changes since Richard Nixon was in office.  I’ve finally seen the light and I’ll wait for these poor souls to see it too.

So now I can look forward to the Trumpocalypse or the Clinton Catastrophe with equal equanimity and even wry amusement.  Whichever way it goes I hope it involves at least a Page 6 babe and possibly a cover on the Enquirer.  But either way the Coffee Walk Bunch will have plenty to talk about next week.

Trump vs the Congressional Negotiations

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Scene 1: Oval Office, Monday morning.

Vice President Pence (VPP) Mr. President, We’ve got a problem.

President Trump (PT) Pence, what the hell is wrong now? I’ve already right sized the government and eliminated the Departments of Education, Energy and the EPA. What is left to worry about?

VPP:  The Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader are forming a coalition with the democrats to produce a veto proof majority and use it to prevent any of your initiatives being funded.

PT:  Don’t these idiots ever learn? Alright, convene a presidential address in the Capitol. I’ll “persuade” them. Get me a list of all the democrats and the Speaker’s and the Majority Leader’s allies in this cabal.

VPP:  Mr. President, I didn’t know you knew the word cabal.

PT:  Ha ha. Any more jokes at my expense, Pense and I’ll add you to this list.

VPP:  Sorry sir.

PT:  Okay, get going. And get me the Alka Seltzer. No, make that Brioschi.

VPP:  What’s Brioschi?

PT:  Oh, just look it up.

Scene 2: US Capital, Wednesday night.

PT:  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here tonight to move forward on the people’s work. This afternoon I met with the republican and democratic leadership teams for the house and senate. I gave them an ultimatum, either cooperate with my agenda or be eaten. Apparently they thought I was joking. They all started laughing. So I ate them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, he couldn’t have eaten all of them, they’re way too greasy. But you’re wrong. As US President and werewolf I take my responsibilities and meals very seriously. So while I feel decidedly queasy I am fully committed to seeing this problem through to its logical end. So to speed up the process would any of you congressmen or senators who feels he must in good conscience vote against my requested legislation please move toward the left side of the room, your left that is. Everyone else can leave now and the last one out please lock the door behind you. Thank you and good night.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………. Good they’re gone. Now let’s get down to business…………………………….………

Scene 3: Oval Office, Thursday morning.

VPP:  Good morning sir, how are you feeling today.

PT:  Pence, this job is killing me. My cholesterol is through the roof and I can barely get into my fat suit. Look at me. I look like Jabba the Hut.

VPP:  Sir, no one would blame you for taking it easy for a few weeks. Why don’t you try a golf holiday?

PT:  But who will keep an eye on things while I’m gone.

VPP:  Well Mr. President, after the events of the last few months I doubt there’s anyone left who will give us any trouble. I’ll hold down the fort.

PT:  Okay I’ll do it. Where do you suggest I go?

VPP:  Well there is a big charity tournament in Hawaii. I believe your predecessor is one of the sponsors of the match.

PT:  Him? Hmmm. Well why not? By tomorrow I’ll probably be a little hungry again and he’s all skin and bones anyway. Might as well mix business with pleasure. I have a feeling I’m gonna kill it on the links.

VPP:  Yes Mr. President.

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: A Book Review

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Scott Adams is best known as the creator of the Dilbert comic strip.  In the 1990s and 2000s it was one of the most widely read and enjoyed parts of the common culture.  Every cubicle dweller in the western world could commiserate with the trials and tribulations of this geeky everyman.  Any engineer of whatever stripe could empathize with the bureaucratic idiocy that Dilbert navigates at every turn.

What people might be less aware of is that Scott Adams has written some other books that are more in the vein of self help.  I was unaware of it.  The only recent information I had about Adams was his commentary about Donald Trump’s candidacy.  Apparently he is somewhat on the right end of the spectrum (although his exact shade is not defined in the present book).  But through an article I read on his recent book I became interested to see what kind of advice I could get from Dilbert.

After reading this medium length book (~250 pages) I will say I’m very impressed.  It combines advice on health and career in a surprisingly integrated fashion.  Without regurgitating the details of the book he ties together diet, exercise, work, play, psychology, innovation, socialization and happiness into a coherent hierarchical plan.  The book is laid out into a narrative following the details of Scott’s life from his childhood on.  It shows how each of his various failed endeavors contributed to his understanding of what he was doing wrong and what he had learned.

I found the writing style funny and very readable.  What really surprised me was how convincing his arguments were.  I found myself agreeing with the logic of his perspective on a lot of these topics.  Most surprising was how enthusiastic I felt in response to this book.  Individually, none of these topics is profound.  But wrapping them together I think they provide a powerful stimulus to someone interested in enhancing his own peace of mind and prospects for a happy life.  There are all kinds of self help books out there.  Some better, some worse.  Scott Adams has written one for the everyman who is navigating a world filled with confusing, unhealthy and frivolous choices that distract us from what we need to do (and not do) to be happy.

Because of how positively I viewed the book I decided it was necessary to test my reaction by consulting with the most skeptical authority on life known to man, my wife.  I described the thesis of the book in short outline and she provided a rapid decision.  It was all just common sense.  I objected that the way the advice was presented made it much more valuable than Ben Franklin’s, “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”  She still scoffed at my enthusiasm.

So there you have it.  It’s a man’s book.  Women are the ultimate pragmatists and have little use for common sense handbooks because they already live by simple rules that life dictates for them.  I guess men naturally think rules don’t apply to us and therefore allow us to defy common sense and make our own rules.  Fine.  But I think I did not sufficiently detail the sections of the book that addressed the advice on maximizing success and innovation.  Here I believe Scott captures some behaviors and ideas that are applicable to almost anyone who wants to break out of the hum-drum existence of modern day corporate life and build something of his own.  If I went over this with my wife I’m sure she’ll tell me it’s just another way of saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

Damned pessimists.  Once I’m rich, powerful and famous she’ll change her tune.

Bravo, Scott Adams, bravo.

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.

 

Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.

 

Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.