Tag: werewolf

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , ,

Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.

 

Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.

 

Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.

Trump vs the Urban Fantasy Debate

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , , , , , ,

Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate.

 

Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):  Mr. Trump, you called for me?

Donald Trump (DT):  Bannon, I need your help preparing for the debate.

SB:  Certainly sir.  Do you need someone to stand in for Mrs. Clinton or the moderator?

DT:  Well sort of.  I need someone who’s the same height and weight as Hillary.

SB:  Uhhhh …… why?

DT:  I need to practice some fighting techniques for when she vamps out and rushes me.

SB:  Mr. Trump, I must assure you that there is absolutely no possibility that Mrs. Clinton is a vampire.  And despite what occurred in Louisiana, you are most definitely not a werewolf.

DT:  Look Bannon, obviously you’re just not as perceptive as I am.  You know, with my werewolf senses and stuff.  Trust me.  It’s completely certain that she is some species of undead and 83% certain to be a vampire.  The science is settled on this point.  You either have to lead, follow or get out of the way.  I intend to lead.  My plan is to replace the drinking water on the stage with holy water and when she drinks it her face and throat will burst into flames.  At that point I intend to stake her and pin her to the podium carpet.  Then I’ll  explain to the Secret Service the importance of decapitating her and stuffing her mouth with garlic as soon as the debate is finished.  My only problem at this point is whether I should go after Bill next or hold off until the full moon.  I believe he is the senior vampire and his strength may be too great for me to take him down without my werewolf power.

SB:  For God’s sake stop this insanity.  You’re running for the most powerful office in the world.  If anyone heard you talking like this you’d be locked up in a nuthouse within an hour.  When I took this job I knew you were goofy but I didn’t think you were bat-shit crazy.  Look I should probably drop a dime on you myself but so help me I need this gig to work.  So come on, snap out of it and try to act sane.

DT:  Bannon, I can’t work with someone so stupid. You’re fired. Now send in Kellyanne so I can get going on this debate prep work.

SB: Goodbye and good riddance you psycho.

Scene 2: First Presidential Debate.

BBC Correspondent (BBCC): Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the BBC radio coverage of the 2016 First Presidential Debate between Democratic Party candidate, the esteemed former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Party candidate, the eccentric failed businessman and reality show personality Donald Trump. The candidates have met for a decidedly tepid handshake and now have taken their places at their podiums. Mrs Clinton is looking decidedly hale and hearty and not at all like the frail elderly person that the Trump campaign has presented her as. As you can now hear Mr. Trump is making some decidedly sophomoric opening remarks about mexican payment for masonry or some such rubbish. Now it is Mrs. Clinton’s turn and as you must hear her diction and elocution is masterful and might I even say delightful. Why it seems entirely possible that Mr. Trump may retreat immediately and vacate the stage in the face of such commanding eloquence. Mrs. Clinton has finished and the studio audience is standing and applauding quite spontaneously. It’s an amazing sight. I think I can be forgiven for saying that a second debate will be completely unnecessary. I feel I must go on the record to congratulate Madam President for this amazing victory. Well done, oh well done.

Trump looks dumbfounded he’s just looking at Hillary as if he expects more punishment from her. Mrs. Clinton is basking in the glow of her still cheering audience. Now she’s reaching for her glass of water for a well deserved beverage. The moderator has asked Trump his first question but the oafish challenger is so overwhelmed by the intellectual beating he’s just taken he hasn’t heard a word of it. He’s still staring at the First Lady as if she will further abuse him while drinking her water. Does he imagine her to be a ventriloquist?

Wait a minute something terrible has just occurred! An enormous flash of light and flames have erupted around the face of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Was the water in the glass actually some kind of incendiary material. A horrible shriek is going up. Oh the poor woman! The secret service is converging on her. They’ve encircled her. Oh help her, help her! She’s on the floor now. But wait the agents are scattering away. All but one. He is holding the First Lady. No she has him. Now he’s screaming. Something unbelievable is occurring. Mrs. Clinton seems to have increased in size and metamorphosed somehow. She is ripping out of the delightful powder blue pantsuit and is taking on a decidedly bat-like appearance. She seems to have exsanguinated the secret service gentleman and is approaching the moderator. This is taking a decidedly unexpected turn and it appears that the moderator feels that Mrs. Clinton has exceeded the already very generous bounds of allowable debating technique at this juncture.

But hold on, Mr. Trump is charging at Mrs. Clinton and appears to have a large pointed wooden implement in his hand. Although this also seems outside the bounds of allowable debating etiquette it appears the moderator is not going to object. Mrs. Clinton must have noticed his approach because she has pivoted away from the moderator and is facing Trump. But alas she is too late. He has implanted the wooden object into Mrs. Clinton’s thoracic region right up to the hilt. And he calls himself a gentleman! Shocking.

Mrs. Clinton has landed on her back and is thrashing about spasmodically. Mr. Trump is standing back. He’s saying something. I can’t make it out. I’m looking at the program feed that we provide for the deaf viewers and it has transcribed his words as “suck on that Bannon.” Well that strikes me as entirely cryptic.

Well Mrs. Clinton appears to have expired and is beginning to deflate down into a dessicated pile of detritus. Mr. Trump is returning to his podium and appears about to speak. Let’s move in for his comments.

DT: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight we have witnessed the ultimate proof of the greatness that is Trump. I have saved America from the undead and also higher taxes. Because of the short window of opportunity to select a new democratic candidate I have instructed the Democrats to leave Hillary’s name on the ballot. Let’s face it, anyone they picked at this point is probably also undead and I’ll just have to stake him too. Because of the shocking events of tonight and also because I myself am now a werewolf, I’ve decided to end my campaigning activities and will just wait for your acclamation in November. So go back to your lives and don’t worry about anything. Werewolf Trump has got your back. After my inauguration I’ll be using my special werewolf senses to root out injustice and corruption wherever it exists in the federal government. My summary judgement will be brutal but fair. Also I’ll be taping these events for my new reality series “Vigilante Werewolf President.” It will be hard-hitting but classy. Very little nudity. I predict it will last eight seasons or more. Trump out.