Announcer’s Voice (surprising Don Pardo-esque!) – We interrupt this regularly scheduled and highly uninteresting programming to bring an important message from the President of the United States.
(President Trump) – Good evening, my fellow Americans, I hate to break in on your viewing of “Fresh Off the Boat” or whatever other crapfest you were watching, but I need you to wake up for thirty seconds, put down the Doritos and listen carefully.
For the last few months, ever since I kicked Hillary’s ass in the election, Obama and his stooges in the FBI, CIA and NSA have been cooking up a sting operation against my nominees to stop all the things I’m doing to drain the swamp. You see, they are the swamp and they don’t want to be drained. Unfortunately some of the appointees allowed themselves to be tricked into trying to hide the contacts that the sting operation was using as bait. Well that doesn’t reflect well on their own intelligence and honesty. But they’re also the best we’ve got so I can’t allow this nonsense to go on.
That is why I’ve come up with a two prong solution to this problem. First I’m providing a blanket pardon to all these nabobs who took the Obama bait. They don’t deserve it but it’s the only way to put an end to this nonsense.
Second, I’m announcing a bounty for anyone who has evidence that I can use against this little cabal that Obama and Clinton have cooked up. I’m calling it Dollars for Democrats. If you have evidence that will allow me to prosecute any of these losers, I’ll give you cash, lots of cash. You name the price. A million dollars, a hundred million dollars, let’s talk. I’ll also throw in a pardon and even secret service protection if it’s on Bill and Hillary (they’re known to get vicious, I’ve heard). And don’t forget, if you’ve got something showing who is leaking this stuff to the Times and Post I’ll get you a Presidential Medal of Valour (if there is such a thing) and probably put your face on a postage stamp.
Okay, that’s it. Go back to the bong now but try to remember and think about it if you still can. Trump out!