(The set of the Morning Shmoe News Show)
Morning Schmoe (MS) – It’s sixty seven seconds past the quarter hour and we’re back at the Morning Schmoe Show. I’m the eponymous Schmoe Browfurrowed and I’m joined by my lovely and enthusiastic co-host Lycra Spandexy.
Lycra Spandexy (LS) – I am lovely and enthusiastic, amn’t I?
MS – Yes you are Lycra and we wouldn’t have you any other way. It’s actually in your contract. And now here’s the rest of our panel. First up, former disgraced journalist and now shameless democrat shill Mike Carbuncle.
Mike Carbuncle (MC) – I like to say semi-disgraced.
MS – Yes you do. Next up, my fellow network superstar host and advocate for comfortable women’s shoes Snarkful Sadclown.
Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Everyone should wear them.
MS – Well almost everyone. Not you Lycra.
LS – Oh thank God. No offense Snarky.
SS – Almost none taken Lycra.
MS – And finally my other fellow network superstar host Chris Cashews.
Chris Cashews (CC) – Ooh, just hearing my name gives me that tingle up my leg.
SS – Please try to pace yourself Chris. It’s a three-hour show.
MS – Well gang, let’s get right down to it. Fraudulent and illegal President Trump has just passed the 100-day mark of his fraudulent and illegal presidency.
LS – He’s so not good! If I was allowed to hate people I’d hate him. And I’d hate his wife who is older than me and not young like I am. I’m not old yet you know.
MC – That was very well put Lycra. You are very young. And your platinum blonde hair reminds me of the time I interviewed beautiful Hollywood blonde bombshell Jean Harlow right after she starred with Clark Gable in 1933’s Red Dust.
SS – But you would have been four years old in 1933.
MC – Yes, I was quite precocious.
MS – Getting back on track. We are here to look objectively at the events of the last 100 days and without bias decide exactly where it became a failed presidency.
CC – That won’t be too hard at all. Back when I was working for storied Speaker of the House, Slip O’Peel, we had a saying, “The buck stops here.”
SS – Didn’t well-known racist and US President Harry S. Truman say that?
CC – Oh, he said it too but he stole it from us.
SS – But O’Peel would have only been 13 when Truman was quoted as saying it.
CC – Yes, he was precocious. Anyway, my point is that obviously, Trump’s presidency became a failed one on Inauguration Day when he failed to use his entire speech as a hymn of praise to Barack Hussein Obama, the most gifted and beloved person ever to occupy the Oval Office. Did I ever tell you the time I got this tingle up my leg during one of his speeches?
MS – Yes, Chris you have. But we’ve really got to move on now. Well, folks, Chris says Inauguration Day. Any other opinions?
LS – Yes Shmoe. I think it happened later. I think it happened when he was mean to those reporters on TV. Reporters (and TV people in general) are the best and nicest people in the world. Being mean to them is like really not good. That is when I feel his presidency failed.
SS – Wow Lycra, compared to Chris and Mike your thesis was surprisingly free of anachronisms.
LS – Thanks Snarky I can see that you respect my intellect.
SS – Sure.
LS – By the way what’s an actronism?
SS – Never mind.
MS – Okay Mike care to share your opinion?
MC – Certainly Shmoe. This presidency officially ended when Trump nominated Gorsuch. When Trump told the country that Gorsuch represented the highest standards of judicial competency he overplayed his hand. To quote from my highly popular and respected blog post of that day, I extemporized, “Mr President, you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” Man was I on fire in that post!
SS – Wait, Abraham Lincoln said that!
MC – He stole it from me.
SS – But that would make you two hundred years old!
MC – I don’t think it’s polite to discuss people’s age. Even if they aren’t nominally women.
LS – Yes, Snarky. That’s wrong and hurtful.
SS – Oh good grief. This is almost as bad as election night. This is not a dream and this is really happening. Maybe I should cut a deal with Fox.
MS – Mike, Lycra that’s enough. We can’t work out the chronological details of all these people right here and now. Let’s just agree that the Trump administration is already over.
All Participants – Oh yeah;… That’s for sure;… Damn straight;… I’ll say.
MS – So the question that has to be answered is what exactly is going to be going on for the next 1,360 days?
LS – Well Shmoe, don’t you think that evil Trump and his evil people will see that they’re beaten and run away?
MS – Well Lycra, you might think so but it’s a funny thing. Not everyone is as reasonable as we are. I’m afraid Trump thinks that elections have consequences.
MC – Hey he can’t use that line, it’s an Obama copyright.
MS – Something ironic about that.
MC – What do you mean?
MS – Oh forget it. Well anyway, let’s just say that if we just keep saying that this is a failed presidency long enough and often enough the public will believe it.
SS – I’m not so sure. Have you noticed that the last few surveys say the public trusts us less than Trump?
MS – Yeah but once we tell them that Trump is a greedy billionaire and we’re honest friends of the common man they’ll believe all the crap we tell them, right?
SS – But that’s what I’m trying to tell you. They don’t believe that anymore.
MS – But why?
MC – Maybe because we backed the BLM movement and the Antifa and the White Privilege whiners and the Transgender bathroom crowd and the illegal rights groups and …
SS – Hey, those are my viewers!
MS – Yeah but look at our ratings. They’re not that much right? Looks like we may be outnumbered in this thing.
LS – But Shmoe, we won, didn’t we? We’ll be all right now and Hillary will be President and we’ll live happily ever after. Won’t we?
MS – I wish I knew Lycra, I wish I knew.