Last year we were privileged to witness the Antifa/BLM riots. Every day on our screens we could watch as thugs with room temperature IQs assaulted hard working Americans then looted and burned down their businesses. And while watching it we were instructed by the cable news networks about how lucky we were that justice was finally catching up with our racist white selves. Good times.
Well, now that it’s warm enough to leave their parents’ basements it’s time to start the burning down the cities again. But as an entertainment critic I must say I hope they don’t expect their audience to be satisfied with that same old riot, loot and burn schtick. Come on! That’s so 2020. We want more.
To get people’s attention in this post-Trump era we’re going to need our thugs to step up, lean in, throw down, whatever. My thought is a show trial of their own. Why not round up the Mayor and City Council of Minneapolis and the Governor of Minnesota along with some corporate executives from local companies like Target and United Health Group and try them for the crime of whiteness. I doubt that these individuals will even try to avoid their trial. And they will fall all over themselves to admit to their crimes. They’ll publicly grovel and weep. They might even soil themselves as they self-flagellate over their guilt and infamy. If you insist, they’ll even admit they personally ran slave ships from Africa. Sure, time machines, whatever.
And after the verdict is handed down which of course would be guilty of whiteness in the first degree then start with the beheadings. I would begin with the Governor and the Mayor. They’re both men so beheading them won’t garner much sympathy. Then go for the CEOs of the corporations next and follow up with the City Council. Now I know there’s a transgender woman on the City Council so that could be kind of ticklish, especially if she’s a person of color but really, I don’t think playing favorites is a good idea. After all whiteness is not just a skin color thing. It’s a state of mind and City Council is an institution that probably oppresses people in all kinds of ways so off with her head. As far as beheading protocol, I’d go with the Al Qaeda standard. Basically, orange jump suit, hands bound behind back and hack job with dull rusty hunting knife. It’s a classic that just plain works for the audience.
Now after the beheadings and some end zone dancing with the severed heads I think things become a little less circumscribed. Stodgy decorum would suggest that the bodies, including the heads, should be returned to the families for religious ceremony and burial. Even Robespierre and his crew gave the bodies back to the families. But I don’t know, why not have some fun? Get a really big pot, throw the bodies into it and cook them with some vegetables. Maybe a gumbo or something. Since this is a BLM co-sponsored event, they could consult with Idi Amin’s living relatives and get some of his favorite cannibal recipes. This will help make the connection to the 1619 Project. I’m not implying that the white presenting allies from Antifa should be excluded from the feast. Of course, the vegans might not be interested but I’m sure many others will partake to show their solidarity and also to signal their commitment to recycling.
And once this first trial/feast is completed it could be the template for a whole season of social justice feasts. The Minnesota event could be termed a smorgasbord because of the Scandinavian heritage of the Great Lakes region. But when the proceedings reach Boston, it could be billed as a clambake or potluck. Just imagine all the fun that could go into the regional preparations and presentation. Marvelous, marvelous.
So, come on street thugs put you heads together and make this leadoff year of the Biden administration something special. Mine are only suggestions Dig deep and wow us with your ingenuity and audacity. Your audience expects it.