Category: Current Events

Time’s Up

photog Current Events, Trump

So I have been parodying the rise of Trump for the last few months and no one who has read these posts would accuse me of being subtle. I use a sledgehammer rather than a sculptor’s chisel on my creations. But comparing the reality to the art (such as it is) isn’t really much of a contrast. Trying to exaggerate the words and deeds of Trump and Clinton and Sanders is a frustrating exercise. Every time I have one of them say something absurd in my joke, in reality he comes back the next day with something even more outrageous.

And just as amazing is the reactions of the world to these bomb shells. The opposition shrieks and the home team declares them gospel. When Trump joked that he could shoot someone in the street and his numbers would still go up, he wasn’t exaggerating by much.

Let’s talk about this.

Why are we where we are?

Because we’re out of time.

The regular people have been waiting for a raise since 1989. And they’ve been waiting for someone to care about their problems. In fact they’re waiting for someone to even notice that they’re in desperate shape. For the last 25 years they’ve been told that they were gonna reap the reward that came with winning the Cold War and making the world safe for capitalism. Instead the Bushes and the Clintons gave their jobs to the Chinese and the Mexicans and put the Cold War peace dividend in the stock market for the rich. And now they have no jobs and their kids have no jobs and they’re being told that they’re no longer needed by the Democrats because they’ve been replaced by immigrants.

So why aren’t they flocking to the Establishment Republican candidates?

Because they only talk about balancing the budget and lowering taxes and reforming entitlements.

What the hell do any of those things mean if you don’t have a job?

So guess who is talking about jobs? Trump and Sanders. The two craziest bastards to ever run for the job of POTUS are the only ones in a field of over twenty who remembered that you can’t have life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness if you don’t have a job. When a ship is sinking a drowning man wants a life preserver not a blueprint for a new sturdier hull design.

So these people aren’t looking to see if Trump or Sanders has checked off all the boxes in the presidential scorecard or if he’s a good husband or if he’s even human. At this point, they’d vote for Godzilla if he were promising to get them jobs.

So whoever is elected better manufacture about twenty million jobs. Because if he doesn’t, the next time these people vote it will be for someone a lot uglier than Trump or Sanders. Or maybe they won’t wait for a vote.

Time’s up.

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Jerk Store!

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump ,

The First Clinton/ Trump Debate

DR: Howdy ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the first Clinton/Trump debate.  My name is Dan Rather and I’ve come out of forced retirement to do my very best to torpedo Donald Trump.  We’re here in beautiful Newark, New Jersey to help the American people come to their senses and welcome Hillary Clinton as their next leader.  You may remember a few weeks ago that Senator Sanders had a nervous breakdown during his debate with Mr. Trump.  Of course no one could explain the presence of LSD in both Senator Sanders’ blood and Senator Clinton’s handbag but we’ve moved on to the task at hand.  The Democratic Party reconvened their leadership and drafted Senator Clinton to take over for Sanders as their nominee.   So let’s welcome the candidates and get this show on the road!
DR:  Good evening Senator Clinton.
HC:  Hello Dan… cough cough  So good to see you back… cough cough cough cough cough
DR:  Good evening Mr. Trump.
DT:  You still alive Rather?  That’s too bad.  I thought I’d get to give Stephanopolis a wedgie  tonight.
DR:  If I didn’t need this gig to pay off my trailer mortgage I’d walk out right now.
DT:  Hey I’ll write you a check and get you on your way.
DR:  Moving on.  The first question is for Mr. Trump.  How can the American people trust you to take care of their fiscal problems if you have personally gone bankrupt four separate times?
DT:  Rather, that just shows how ignorant you are about the realities of modern finance.  In each case I used the law to re-align my businesses to thrive in the ultra-competitive environment of today’s economy.  I’m sure you’re too stupid to understand this but to a real businessman this would be apparent.
HC:  Businessperson, not businessman. cough cough cough cough cough
DT:  What?
HC:  I corrected your gender exclusive choice of words…cough cough.  We’re in the 21st century.  Deal with…cough cough cough cough cough…it!
DT:  Are you serious?  You’re gonna pull the woman card for that?  Aren’t you afraid that if you waste it on every male pronoun and stereotype that it’ll be all used up when you really need it?  Like when I call you a shreiking fat hag and tell you to shut the hell up.
HC:  How dare… cough cough… you try to… cough cough cough… silence me… Cough cough cough…  I’m a strong…cough cough cough cough… woman and I can… cough cough cough cough… put you in your… cough cough cough cough cough… place anytime.
DT: Yeah? Well the nineties called and they want your feminism back.
HC: Oh yeah,… cough cough… well the… cough cough cough… jerk store… cough cough cough… called… cough cough cough cough… and they’re out of… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough
DT:  What the hell is wrong with you?  Hey Rather, this old bag sounds like she’s dying of tuberculosis.  Unless you can put her in a germ proof bubble I’m getting the hell out of this death trap.
HC:  Run away… cough cough cough cough cough… you big… cough cough cough cough cough… coward… cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough.
DT:  That’s it.  I’m outta here.  Good luck Rather.  Hope you make it.  So long Consumptive Clinton.
DR:  And that’s the rest of the story here in Newark tonight.  I’m Dan Rather and this is not the evening news.

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The Ronalds and The Donald

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So it’s late and I’m going to bed but it’s worth reviewing some of the headlines.

CBS; “Donald Trump, Candidate of Change.”

Washington Post; “Even Supporters Agree: Clinton Has Weaknesses as a Candidate. What Can She Do?”

NY Times; “Social Conservatives, However Reluctant, Are Warming to the Idea of Trump.” and  “Little Is Off Limits as Donald Trump Plans Attacks on Hillary Clinton’s Character.”

And these are Trump’s Nemeses and Hillary’s Guardian Angels.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas every where I go. I think the reality is starting to infect the progressives that they’ve hitched their star to a dead horse (nag?). My greatest wish is that the next five months are excruciating for them. And it wouldn’t hurt if Trump spends some of that time actually figuring out what in God’s Name he’s going to do once he has this tiger by the tail. After all, audacity may get him elected but after that people are gonna want action and results. Otherwise the mob will works its way around to him. Wouldn’t hurt him to actually start calling up the CEOs of the Fortune 500 and see if they can hire a few million new rust belt republicans at tax break prices. That would go a long way to making The Donald look a little less like Ronald McDonald and a little more like Ronald Reagan.

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A Meditation on Leadership

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In this strangest of election years, it is hard to know exactly what the smartest or the safest or the best plan is. One of the strangest things is how wrong everybody has been about everything. The wise men on the left and the right were completely blind-sided by both Trump and Sanders. And in what alternate universe is Donald Trump the champion of the forgotten working class man?

But after the fact, some things become almost obvious and maybe we can start piecing together what the hell is going on.

Facts:

1) Donald Trump figured out that both the Democrats and the Republicans had written off the votes and the interests of working class white people. The Democrats didn’t want them because they didn’t share the new values and replaced them with professional class white people and immigrants. The Republicans claimed they wanted their votes but stopped attracting them by ignoring their plight. Both sides were complicit in the destruction of the working class by exporting all the good manufacturing jobs abroad through global free trade initiatives and importing virtually limitless numbers of immigrants to undercut them on any jobs that were left.

2) Nobody else but Trump was willing to speak plainly enough about how to address these problems:
a) Stop further illegal immigration.
b) Deport the current illegals.
c) Institute a trade policy that puts American workers before global capitalism.

3) Trump energized these working class voters to propel him to the Republican Presidential Nominee.

4) Trump either is or acts as if he were some crazy combination of P T Barnum and Caligula. His rhetoric is completely unconnected to truth or even reality. He literally will not hesitate to say whatever he thinks will convince people.

5) He probably has the best chance of any of the 2016 crop of republican presidential candidates of beating Hillary Clinton in the general election. I’d say his odds are better than 50%.

6) No one has any idea what he will do if he gets elected. It’s a straight up mystery.

Conclusions:

1) Anyone who doesn’t want America to become a wholly owned subsidiary of the Global Corporate New World Order owes Donald Trump a debt of gratitude. He single-handedly slew the politically correct gatekeepers who silenced all attempts at questioning illegal immigration or outsourcing American jobs. He demonstrated how you talk to the media scolds; confidently. He hit back and the people loved it.

2) If we don’t want Hillary Clinton to be president then we had better back up Trump to the hilt.

3) The general election is going to be like a fireworks display launched from a roller coaster. I fully expect that the campaign ads and debates will include laughter, tears, lies, insults, threats, physical confrontation, nudity and several of the seven words you formerly couldn’t say on tv. My greatest hope is that during a debate Hillary will become incoherent and start barking like a dog.

4) Trump proves that a strong leader isn’t necessarily a nice guy. The man acts as if he thinks we’re idiots. He is boorish, self-centered and annoying. He is inconsistent, petty and vindictive.
But he saw how we were being manipulated. And he wasn’t afraid to say unpleasant truths.

5) The rest of the Republican field proves that when the ship is sinking you don’t want a social worker or a debate team. You want someone with a loud voice and a clear plan.

5) I hope that the rank and file of the republican party now realize that the elites of both parties are not our friends. They want to surrender this country to the hive. Their goal is an international corporate feudalism. Guess who the serfs are gonna be. Hint: It won’t be the Bushes and the Clintons.

Predictions:

Prediction is a perilous pursuit but here goes.

1) I predict Trump will win the presidency and both pleasantly surprise and sorely disappoint conservatives.

2) With Melania as the First Lady, I predict the millenials will be inspired to abandon metrosexual hipsterism for the pursuit of old fashioned binary cis-heterosexuality and sterotypical gender roles in the home and workplace.

3) I predict that failing to be added to Mount Rushmore, The Donald will build his own personal monument to himself which will be mockingly referred to as Mount Trumpmore. Upon hearing the nickname his only comment will be “That’s what she said.”

4) I predict that Mitt Romney’s dog will write a tell-all book about that time he was forced to ride on the roof of the family car. Mitt will then be taken hostage by PETA and the Animal Liberation Front and subsequently eaten.

5) During the Inauguration ceremony, I predict Joe Biden will attempt to stand behind Melania’s chair and rub her shoulders but he will accidentally fall off the edge of the platform. The event will go unnoticed and Joe will remain pinned under the stands until later in the week when he will escape, wander off and begin a nomadic existence in various D.C homeless shelter where the female inhabitants will nickname him “The Shoulder Holder.”

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Should I Vote for Trump?

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Greetings all you folks out in the vast right-wing conspiracy and even you denizens of the various substrata of the American Dream.

Well the unthinkable has happened and The Donald is the presumptive nominee. The screaming can be heard all the way to low earth-orbit and the usual suspects have declared it the sign of the coming apocalypse and the beginning of the end of the Republican party, conservatism, the American Republic and all multicellular life.

The reason for this consternation is Trump’s character. Hillary has declared him a loose cannon. “Everyone” knows that he’s dangerous and unreliable. Actual pundits on both ends of the political spectrum have declared that any result would be better than allowing Trump to win. Friends of mine have tried to convince me that it’s my duty to vote against him or at least abstain from voting altogether. As proof of this they ask ominously “Do you know what he might do if he wins?” They say this as though voting for him without knowing what he might do is tantamount to handing a loaded pistol to a hopped up chimpanzee. “Do you know what he might do if he wins?”

Of course the short answer is, “Damned if I know.”

And that’s the problem. Uncertainty about who he is and what he’ll do has fueled endless hand-wringing. And reaction to the outlandish and scurrilous statements that he has used against democrats and republicans alike during the campaign so far has led to angry statements from many thoughtful people about voting third party or not voting at all, as a protest.

Now, being a leading internet pundit, I have the moral responsibility to reveal the deep truth of the situation and thereby clarify the path forward for everyone else. What will Trump do if he wins?

Ready? OK.

Damned if I know.

So how do I know whether to vote for him or not? Well it occurs to me that the last two Presidents I voted for who were elected (namely George Bushes I and II) told me they would govern as conservatives. GHWB said he’d be the extension of Reagan’s terms in office. And GWB said he was a conservative. Well that wasn’t really the case. In fact I had no idea that either of them would disappoint the conservative voters who got them elected. So not knowing what a candidate is going to do once he’s in office is not really that unusual a situation to be in.

So here we are in 2016 and the RNC sends out JEB! and says he’s a conservative and here we go again. Trump threw a monkey-wrench into the works and eliminated JEB!. For that alone he should get a medal or his face on the twenty dollar bill. He also eliminated candidates who actually might be conservatives. Well that’s too bad. But that’s where we are now. The only question left is should I vote for him? Well, let’s try logic.

Choices for Conservative Voters:
1) Vote For Hillary.
2) Don’t Vote.
3) Vote for a Third Party.
4) Vote for Trump.

Results of each:
1) Causes Hillary victory. Liberal Supreme Court. Loss of 1st and 2nd Amendment Rights. Permanent crony capitalist kleptocracy with us as serfs.

2) Causes Hillary victory. Same results as first choice.

3) Causes Hillary victory. Same results as first choice.

4) Damned if I know.

Analysis:
Choices 1, 2 & 3 produce the same result, the end of the American Republic (such as it is).
Choice 4 is what is technically known as a “crap shoot.” Let’s be pessimistic and say there’s a 75% chance that the outcome will be as bad or worse than Hillary. So pessimistically, there’s a one in four (25%) chance that the outcome will be better.

In that case common sense tells you to go with this choice. Now someone can say that instead of a 25% chance it’s really 10% or 5%. Fine. Let’s say it’s 1%. That still means you have one chance in a hundred of getting a good result. You might say that the difference between 1% and 0% is negligible. You would be wrong. The difference between 1% and 0% is infinite. Because anything is infinitely more than nothing. Basically it’s the difference between hope and despair. Let’s say you’re in a burning high rise building and the only way to escape is to run across the roof as fast as you can and jump for another building that’s so far away that you don’t know if you can reach it.

Your choices are:
1) Stay in the building and get cooked.
2) Jump

Outcomes:
1) 100% (agonizing) death
2) 99% fall to your (quick) death, 1% survive

I don’t know about you, I think I’d take a chance and jump. I’ll vote Trump.

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President Trump’s Gettysburg Address

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We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to present an address by the president.

“Good evening my fellow Americans.  Sorry to wake you out of your reality tv stupor. But this will be short.  So put down your bong and try to follow along. I’m speaking to you tonight because I’m making a change in your lives very soon and I didn’t want to surprise anyone.  Starting next month I’m shutting down the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.  That’s radio, tv and internet.  The whole kit and kaboodle.  I had the whole news staff in here at lunch and broke the news to them.  They didn’t take it well.  I told them they could maybe get some intern spots on the staff at MSNBC.  Well anyway, it’s moving ahead.

You may be asking why I’m doing this.  Well, it’s like this. I have a grandchild now.  And after catching a few minutes of Sesame Street and a few of the other kid shows I was worried that my grandchild might turn into a loser.  I mean, it’s a bunch of old people hanging out in Greenwich Village with a bunch of puppets. How could that turn out well?  And the Nova guys are always harping about the global warming and animal rights.  Let’s face it.  It’s propaganda.  And that guy Ken Burns is so boring that even real baseball is less boring than his baseball.  I mean what’s the big deal about Gettysburg?  I’ve been there.  A real snooze-fest.  Not a single casino anywhere.

Now maybe you might be thinking that it’s hypocritical for someone involved with the Apprentice to render judgement on educational tv.  Maybe but think about it.  Only the brain-dead watch reality tv.  It’s already too late for them.  I’m just harvesting their welfare residual value.  But PBS targets children.  Only the suicidal sacrifice their own children.  I’m not that crazy.

So anyway, I’m pulling the whole thing off the air.  With any luck those PBS guys can get their own funding or possibly advertising revenue from the letters N and O and the numbers zero and zilch.  Anyway I’m sure Comcast can carry them.  They already funnel money to total losers like MSNBC.  One more free-loader couldn’t make that big a difference.

So the government is getting out of the tv business.  But this is just the beginning.  I’ll be following up with a review of our research funding and social agency support.  I’m guessing that climate science is gonna have to change its name to climate science fiction and get its funding from the Syfy Channel because the government gravy-train has just been derailed.

Alright, that’s all for now.  You can get back to watching porn and smoking pot.  Wow.”

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Transcript of the First Trump – Sanders Debate

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Maddow:  Good evening everyone and welcome to the first presidential debate.  I’m Rachel Maddow and tonight we’re here at Smith College to hear Senator Sanders and Mr Trump debate each other and answer the questions the whole country is asking.  The agreed to rules are simple.  Each candidate has 2 minutes to answer the question.  His opponent has 2 minutes to respond.  The moderator may ask a follow-on question.  If either candidate overruns his time or attempts to speak out of turn his chair will be energized with a moderate electric shock.  And here are our candidates.  Gentlemen, welcome.

Sanders:  Rachel it’s good to be here among the good and thoughtful women of Smith College.  I only hope that someday soon I’ll be able to liberate Smith from the cruel injustice of tuition and open the doors to everyone no matter how poor or stupid.

Trump:  Hello Rachel.  Still no make-up, I see.  Tell those cheapskates at MSNBC to break down and spring for a make-up girl for God’s sake.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, I’m a lesbian and do not submit to the stereotypical ideas of female grooming.

Trump:  Yeah, well even Rosie o’Donnell wore some make-up.  I’m not saying it helped much but at least she tried.

Maddow:  Let’s move on.  First question is for Senator Sanders.  Senator, if you are elected president what will be your first priority?

Sanders:  Rachel, that’s a good question.  My first priority upon entering the White House will be to restore good relations with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.  Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has indicated that if I am elected he will be encouraged to accept all the food and ICBM shipments we can send in exchange for 11 percent fewer condemnations of America in the DPRK’s news stories.  I forsee the day when America and the DPRK will have reversed places with respect to caloric intake and nuclear megatonnage.  Only then will we be able walk down that long road of accepting the guilt for having been happy and prosperous for so long.  Once we’ve experienced starvation on a national level and had a couple of cities obliterated by thermonuclear attack, then we’ll finally know how evil we’ve been and … OWWWW!!

Maddow:  I’m sorry Senator but you’ve exceeded your time.

Sanders:  Holy crap Rachel, that smarts!

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, your answer or rebuttal.

Trump:  Are you kidding me?  What kind of freak show is this.  I mean, come on!  Look, the only reason me and the Nutty Professor over there are the candidates is because the Dems and Repubs were so completely brain-dead that they thought they could run Bush and Clinton again.  So it doesn’t take a lot of smarts to know that I’m not the most qualified man for this job.  I just happened to be willing to tell them that the Emperor had no clothes.  But come on!  This guy’s a raving lunatic.  I’d as soon give Hannibal Lector a straight razor and ask him to give me a shave, as to let this guy control the nuclear stockpile.  Look, for the good of the country, just load him up with some thorazine and cart him off to Bellevue.  After this performance the only one nuts enough to vote for him will be the Occupy Mom’s Basement crowd.  So shut off his mike and let’s call it a night.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump you exceeded your time but you didn’t experience any electric shock?

Trump:  Of course not.  I’m not stupid.  I just put on a wet suit under my Trump Collection suit.  Many people think it’s Armani but it’s even better.

Maddow:  Mr. Trump, if you leave now it will be viewed as a victory for Senator Sanders.

Trump:  Rachel I knew you were odd but I didn’t think you were delusional.  Look, if I don’t leave now people will think I’m as nuts as him.  Anyway, do yourself a favor, don’t get in the elevator alone with that guy.  He’s gonna go postal eventually,  Don’t let it be with you.

Sanders:  Hey I resent these remarks!

Trump:  Shut up Bozo.  You’ve had your say.  Now go quietly with the orderlies and they won’t have to use the straitjacket.

Maddow:  Good night from MSNBC.

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President Trump’s United Nation’s Address

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Look, I’m not wearing any headphones, it’ll mess up my hair.  Besides if these mooks don’t speak American then they’re losers and I don’t need to hear what they’re saying.  And take some bleach to that dais, I don’t think all of these guys understand soap.  And I’m using my own microphone.

Hello UN.  This is your landlord, President Trump.  Looking out across this audience I can see why the world is going to hell in a handbasket.  I don’t see how most of you got past the TSA at Kennedy Airport.  Anyway, let me get right to the point.

THE GRAVYTRAIN IS OVER.

I’m closing this place down.  I’m sick of paying for you bums so go home.  Now!

There’s an airline ticket for each of you and cab fare to Kennedy.  Don’t bother packing.  I’ll have your crap shipped back to the useless countries you’re from.  Once you’re gone I’m gonna demo this dump and disinfect it for a couple of years and then Trump Corp is going to put up a 400 story building here.  It’ll be huge.  Once you freeloaders are gone and no longer clogging up the streets, I’ll be able to get a cab without resorting to Uber. From now on don’t call us we’ll call you.

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Escaping the Whole Post-Normal Experience

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So the Freak Show is not a passing phase.  It’s the new normal.  Somewhere in the vicinity of 5% of the general population is certifiably nuts and another 10 – 20% is permanently depressed and medicated.  And we have been informed that we’re the ones with a warped view of reality.

So what’s a red-blooded American to do?  Well I guess the best thing to do is find like minded folks and lock the crazies out of the club house and have some fun until the zombies chew through the walls.

And since we’re in the age of social media I plan to spit in the face of Facebook by blogging here at OCF on my favorite things (photography, sf and politics) and attracting like minded folks to join the discussion.  Other topic will be added in as we go but I guess the important point is that the other team doesn’t infringe on the non-crazy people having fun.  So my plan is to try to let folks enjoy themselves in the comments sections and keep everything fun and low key for the non-political topics.  Moderation will be light.  But I’ll have a very low threshhold of tolerance for anything left-wing.  I guess the best way to measure this will be to imagine you’re communicating with someone time-warped from circa 1957.  Hopefully it will go swimmingly, or it will be an unmitigated disaster.  Time will tell.

First thing coming up will be a review of the Zeiss Loxia 21mm f/2.8.  It just arrived today and I’m waiting to test it out.  I’m particularly interested in the quality of the corners.  This is one of the first native full-frame e-mount lenses.  Previous to this the 16-35 f4 zoom was the only fe lens this wide.  Because of this Sony users tried adapting various wide lenses, especially rangefinders (for their small size and quality).  Almost all of these attempts were disappointing.  The light rays reaching the corners of the sensor were so far from perpendicular that they interacted with the cover glass to produce smearing and chromatic aberration.

Because of these problems it was a great relief when Zeiss announced that the 21mm Loxia lens would be a Distagon design.  This design is known to produce perpendicular rays in the corners.  So for the last six months I’ve been reading reviews by the few lucky souls who were able to get their hands on this gem.  And true to form the reports said the corners were excellent.  Only problem from my point of was that the damn thing was always of of stock.  I’ll qualify that a little.  You could pay three or four hundred dollars above the MSRP of $1,499 and get a gray market copy from Japan or ebay.  But with something this pricey I restrict myself to B&H (or direct from Amazon, no third party sellers).  Well it finally hit my pre-order on B&H and here it is.  It does have one quirk.  So much of the lens barrel surface is taken up by the focus and aperture rings that there’s just the thinnest ring of non-rotating surface available to torque the lens on and off the camera.  Add this on top of the tightness of the o-ringed connection and you have a tricky fit.  This is a little annoying but hardly a deal breaker (unless you’re even nit-pickier than me).  I’ll put out the review in the next week or so.

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President Trump’s Inaugural Address

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Is this thing on?  Can you hear me?  Yeah?  Good.

I’d just like to start by saying thanks to Judge Roberts.  I heard what a lousy job you did on that Obamacare case so I wasn’t expecting much from you today.  I figured you’d probably forget to bring your glasses or something.  You know, typical low-energy behavior.  But you were okay.  So for now you’re not fired or anything.  Now go sit down and try not to fall asleep or anything.

I guess it’s traditional to talk about all the good things I’m gonna do once I move into the White House.  But I’m not gonna do that.  I just spent the last year and a half telling you what I’m gonna do.  If you didn’t hear me then you’re not gonna now.

What I am gonna do is tell all the losers who doubted me exactly what I think about them.

I’ll start with Hillary.  First of all I just want to tell you that the only woman more fat and disgusting than you is Rosie O’Donnell.  And I don’t have anything good to say about Bill or Chelsea either.  The whole bunch of you are disgusting losers.  And beating you in the election was great and truly fun.  Now go back to your small sad smelly house and drop dead the two of you.

Okay, now for the republicans.  You’re all a bunch of losers and I can’t believe you thought you could beat me.  Low Energy Jeb, Pathological Ben, Little Marco, Scary Carly, Crazy Kasich and the rest of you other losers.  I knew the American people would identify with the Trump brand.  It is the best brand.  All of you go back to whatever sad meaningless things you were doing before.

And as for you Lyin’ Ted, just be glad I let you be VP.  Your job is to translate all this Constitution stuff and that conservative talk into something that fits on a Power Point slide deck.  I don’t have a lot of time for theory.  Just give me about twenty bullet points and line up those cheap suits over at the Senate to take their marching orders.  And tell McConnell and Ryan that I’ll kick their asses if they don’t get this all done in January.  I’ve got a trip to Cancun planned for Valentine’s Day with Mrs. Trump and I don’t want to be distracted.  I don’t expect you to understand this but with a woman as hot as Melania you’ve got to be on your game on V-Day.

Now I have a message for all you government workers.  You’re fired!  That’s right.  Everyone who works for the federal government, except for the soldiers, is officially fired.  Anyone who wants to continue on as a temporary worker can stay for half pay.  And that’s step one.  Then I’m doing a top down and bottom up review and if someone can’t convince me that what you do is vital you better get your resume tuned up.

And for Megyn Kelly and the rest of the creeps in the Media and especially you morons at NBC you better wake up and pull your heads out of your asses.  Because with all the ass-kicking I’m gonna be giving you from now on you’d end up with more brain damage.

And all you lazy bastards living on the dole, start looking for work.  I’m cutting the cord for all of you.  Lucky for you there’ll be plenty of work once I raise the tariff on chinese crap to 300%.

Well that’s all.  Now get off the lawn.  I’m late for a meeting with Fox.  I have a new Reality show called White House Shenanigans.  It’s a thirty minute format that just drips with class.  No total nudity, just boobs.  It’s gonna be huge.

 

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