I have to assume that from now until at least when Mike Pence inherits the presidency in 2025 there will be at least three crises every week in the Trump Administration. I’m not sure if guys like Bannon are under contract to break out into nuttiness or if it’s just the Call of Cthulhu.
And it used to make me fret. But I’ve long since cut the break cables and learned to enjoy the dizzying corkscrew plunge down the Trump Magical Mystery Hairpin Extravaganza. It truly is the “Greatest Show on Earth.” But this is a slow news week (sort of) so I decided to amuse myself by imagining what is crazier than what is actually unfolding in D.C. every day. What’s missing?
Well, the only thing missing is space invaders like the ones in Independence Day. I mean, why not? Sure, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum won’t help out Trump but he can get Adam Baldwin and then maybe add on Vince Vaughn. And Trump would be a much better President than Bill Pullman. First off, Trump really is President! Secondly, he wouldn’t be all whiney about using nukes. Why, just this week he was bragging that his nuclear button was bigger than North Korea’s button. So nuking aliens, no problemo. And finally, if a captured alien broke loose and killed our scientists Trump would not be trying to placate it into being our friend. He would very wisely tell Adam Baldwin to shoot it full of holes. Then he would send it back to the aliens in a big bottle of formaldehyde as a warning. Now that’s the way the movie should have gone. And another thing, Melania would be a much better First Lady than the one in Independence Day. If Donald tells her to get out of Los Angeles she won’t hang around and get caught up in the firestorm. In fact, she’ll probably be at home taking care of her young child like a good mother should.
Is there any doubt that Mad Dog Mattis would be a better Secretary of Defense than that loser in the movie? So, the biggest problem is Area 51. I’m guessing if there really were a secret alien spacecraft in Nevada then Obama must have handed it over to the Iranians as part of his surrender treaty. So, we’d have to start from scratch on counterattacking with their own spacecraft. Now Data from Star Trek, TNG wouldn’t be a conservative. Possibly we can get Shatner. He’s a Canadian but I think he’ll take any part he gets paid for. So, it actually makes sense to encourage the President to lure space invaders to Earth. Defeating them will encourage a camaraderie among surviving Americans. Also, let’s face it, only the Americans and possibly the Russians have an air force that would actually defeat space aliens. All those other countries would be essentially wiped out. And as sad as this would be, it would definitely have a positive effect on the American economy.
And finally, if New York, Los Angeles and Washington were essentially wiped out, followed by San Francisco, Boston, Philadelphia and Baltimore, then after the invasion was over it seems possible that California, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Maryland might become red states. Now that really would be science fiction (or fantasy).
Month: January 2018
Trump vs 2018
Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office
President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike. Pence! Where the hell are you?
Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell. He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.
PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy! Tell him to stop whining. He’s done his part. He got the tax bill passed. I’ll take care of everything else. He can go back to sleep.
VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President. But he brings up a good point. With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?
PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?
VPP – I’d like to think I have.
PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?
VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?
PT – Of course it is. My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists. It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy. I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders. My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees. I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana. Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.
VPP – Is that even possible?
PT – Think big Mike. If you can dream it, you can do it. What dream do you have?
VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.
PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that. It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact. I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.
VPP – Huh, what!
PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone. We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.
VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.
PT – That’s just a figure of speech. We don’t need to actually shut it down. We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.
VPP – What does that mean?
PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show. Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000. If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.
VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget. That includes other line items beside salary.
PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike. Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000. That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department. Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right. I’ll have twenty managers including the department head. And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.
VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan. Can you get it done?
PT – Bold? That’s just one department. Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?
VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!
PT – Let’s hope! Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits. I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable. They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them. So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people. And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector. We’re about to eviscerate the beast.
VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?
PT – Of course not. They’re part of the beast. But that’s my job, weasel herding. I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing. I’m actually going to enjoy it. Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?
VPP – I’ll do the best I can. But this is all so strange and disorienting. It feels almost unreal.
PT – Just the opposite. Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers. What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone. Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal. America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back. But that’s our job. We have to give them a chance to choose reality.
VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.
PT – Very good, you’re learning.
I Object – A Dissenting Opinion on an American Greatness Post
Linking to American Greatness is usually easy for me. I’ve found many articles that I’m proud to link to. And the occasional article I don’t agree with I just chalk up to “nothing’s 100%.” But today I read Henry Olsen’s “Four New Year’s Resolutions for Making America Great.” The first three resolutions were unproblematic.
The fourth was tolerance. Now he couched tolerance in terms of Christian patience as demonstrated by the early martyrs. Basically what he is advocating is more losing. Lose but be a good sport about it. Turn the other cheek. Call those who hate you friends and maybe they’ll let you be a slave after the last of your freedoms are stamped out. I’m sorry, this won’t wash. This was tried by George W. Bush. He was demonized, pilloried and mocked for eight years by these friends. Now that they’ve found a greater satan he’s become the beloved clown that they can point to as the exemplar for “good republican” behavior, a loser.
In the words of Cyrano “No, thank you. No! I thank you and again I thank you!”
I’m sure Mr. Olsen is a well meaning fellow but this is a war. After the enemy is defeated we can talk about the surrender conditions. Until then it’s us versus them.
Daily Pick from American Greatness – Deion Kathawa’s “Boot Licking the Left”
Back during the Iraq War Max Boot was one of the war’s biggest boosters. When I still thought W was on my side I would read Boot’s articles to understand what strategy was needed to win the war and allow us to get back to being alive. It didn’t dawn on me that ending the war wasn’t part of the agenda that Boot and the rest of the neo-cons had in store for us. These were people who would gladly spill every last drop of American blood in order to advance a global project that none of those Americans wanted.
Well, the mask is off. Trump isn’t Bush. So Boot isn’t a conservative anymore. He’s embracing the left with both arms. Good. Now he’s home. Good riddance.
The narrative would be comical if it wasn’t so repellent. It seems that most of these so called pundits just want a paying gig, regardless of who is paying the check. Enjoy?